How Do I Deal with a Women with Self Esteem Issues?

[Texas2004]

I need some help with a challenging situation. I am interested in a woman I met recently. We have gone on a couple of dates. I think she has some self esteem issues, now that I have gotten to know her a little better. In particular, I think she has been out with some scuzzy guys and is not used to guys saying and doing nice things for her.

 

I can sense an emotional barrier and the relationship has basically been one sided up until now. She really doesn't call me and doesn't ask me to do things she wants. However, she makes time for us when she isn't working (our work schedules are challenging - I work first shift and she works second shift and weekends).

 

So, I am a bit confused. She seems interested because she keeps going out with me when I ask (I think she would blow me off otherwise), but she is not being very proactive herself.

 

I really like her, and want to try to make something of this. Suggestions on what she is doing and what I could do?

[Clementine orange]

Oh god, almost everyone seems to have self esteem issues. The women I met that don't (have self esteem issues) - are annoyingly arrogant.

 

It might not be self-esteem - it might be shyness, nervousness, inexperience...the list goes on.

[fastball2113]

RUN

 

women with self-esteem issues are not worth the trouble

[Censored]

Go NC and wait for her to contact you. Simple. Make her call her hand. I had this happen to me once, and it annoyed the crappers out of me. As soon as i wet NC it started to even out.

[jenny_mcs]

Don't make her issues your issues. separate all these "issues" she has from the way you want and need to be treated.

 

If she really does have self-esteem issues from dating a bunch of losers, then nothing in the world you can do will change that. There are posts every day on this forum from men and women saying things like "My current partner is sooooo amazing, but I am still paranoid/closed off/screwed up because my past partners have been awful...."

 

Don't lower your standards as to how you want to be treated. If it is important to you that she initiate calls/dates, let her know in a non-angry/non-confrontational way, and see how she reacts.

[afrodite79]

If she's been hurt by past relationships of course she might be a little careful. She might also feel that it's the man's job to initiate everything (which is BS). She might even think that if she calls you that you'll think she's desperate. I agree with niceguyloses. Don't call her or plan anything with her. Put the ball in her court. If she really likes you and wants to see you she'll start making an effort. If she still doesn't call then you know she wasn't too interested.

[Pegasus]

I really like her, and want to try to make something of this. Suggestions on what she is doing and what I could do?

 

Talk to her about it. If she's sane, everything will be fine - if not, it's better to find out earlier than later. Communication is the key - running away achieves nothing.

[Brightest Dark]

RUN

 

women with self-esteem issues are not worth the trouble

 

I disagree. Someone with low self-esteem can be as nice if not nicer than someone who doesn't have them. You just need to show her a little more that you care. She'll warm up a bit the more she knows you. If you've only gone on a couple of dates I think you should keep going. Does it really matter if she doesn't make a move for a little bit. She is probably wary since it's early on in the relationship and over time will get more confidence in how it is going.

[cluelessme]

i disagree with the above poster...

 

i went out with a girl with deep rooted self-esteem issues for a number of years (she also had depression/eating disorder..etc) and now i am a FIRM believer that you CANNOT love someone else until you truly LOVE yourself...

 

i am not generalizing, but the emotional rollercoaster is just too much...

 

total trust issues, lack of communication, very secretive about things, keeping thoughts to herself, lack of opinions and direction, gives up EXTREMELY easily, swayed easily, INFLUENCED easily, easy to stray because another guy "made her feel good", project her own issues on her SO, mistake her SO's intentions as controlling/manipulative, invasive in personal information, demanding and needy, and if you don't comply she thinks you're taking her for granted........

 

the list can go ON forever...

 

i am definitly NOT saying that girls with any self-esteem issues are like that....but all the above said traits are all stated in psychology (my major)...and i witnessed them first hand....

 

keep in mind however that i did love her and will for a while even tho we're done....but just know for the OP it WILL be alot of work!

 

oh and the whole initiative thing was ALSO my problem with her....she never took initiative like holding hands, kissing you, hug you, in bed, even just general activities......to be honest, that made me a little insecure about myself at the time because i thought she wasn't proud to be with me to be seen...etc

 

anyways i would HONESTLY get to know her REALLY well first.....u HAVE to start off right, i mean full trust from BOTH you and her!

 

anyways good luck dude......but do prepare yourself for a little bit of rockiness!

[Dating Coach]

To the OP, I agree that you should not make her issues your issues. Don't bring it up or dwell on it at all. Doing so just creates drama and drama from a guy chases women away faster than nearly anything else.

 

First off, realize what kind of relationship YOU want. If this girl isn't providing that then don't stick around. So many people try to change the other person to become what they want them to be. Even if it would be heathy for them to change, it's not your place and trying will just make things worse. The moment you realize this isn't right for you, walk.

 

And don't try to overdo the niceness. This too sends women packing. I am not saying you can't be nice, you are a nice guy, but don't make it an effort. You're a nice guy without having to emphasize this.

 

Just continue to set up dates and go out and have fun with her. If she isn't reciprocating and you don't like it, you can try to communicate that to her. If she isn't making the effort, bro, walk before you get trapped in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

[ghost69]

not every women has self-esteem issues as someone said. sure, they probably hate something about themselves. everyone does. that's not a self-esteem problem though. stay away from those girls that are nuts. i've tried helping the ones i dated. not good. most don't want help and think you are trying to bring them down.