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Do I leave my wife? What a mess.....

London Uk

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I am a married man.


I am in the most confusing of situations and looking at other posts on here - mostly involving those who are in love with married men who are with their wives but not leaving them find myself torn every second of the day.


I met my wife just over ten years ago. She is attractive and fun to be with. My friends and family love her and in the eyes of many we genuinely portrayed the image of the perfect couple. In 1998 we married. Marriage for me was total commitment. To set the record straight, I have never looked at another woman at any point I have been with her.


We have always worked full time, and children were in the general plan although we very much wanted to have fun first. I knew that I wanted children at some point in our future together, but was not in a rush to have a family straight away. I have many friends who had families early on and we enjoyed life together, doing what we wanted pretty much when we wanted to, but without a family for the time being.


In 2001/2002, we decided that the time was right to start a family. My wife stopped taking the pill and we were of the view if it happened it happened. It was a fairly big moment for me. We never got to the point of looking at the calendar and planning each month, but we tried.... There was a fair amount of pressure from my parents - the joking of 'it's about time you two had a baby etc.' It was fairly light hearted and never really meant in a way to pressure us. I would occasionally get annoyed by this but bit my tongue, kept my head down and firmly believed that it would happen in good time.


Pregnancy never happened and although neither of us on the outside declared frustration with the position, it in it's own way ate away at us as a couple.


We have always had the relationship where independence was important. I have always worked irregular hours and to a point it has always been important that we could amuse ourselves in our own circle of friends or together. Once again this was a great strength to us both and a situation we both admitted was the basis of a strong, trusting and loving relationship. Looking back now, over a period of time, we became more and more independent of each other and I became guilty of not putting enough into the relationship. This was not due to the involvement of anyone else.


In December 2002, I allowed myself to flirt and enjoy the company of a girl I work with. Nothing sexual occurred, although there was a fair amount of verbal flirting and a huge amount of attraction between us. I remained faithful to my wife.


In January 2003, the bomb burst. After a couple of months of suspicion, I confronted my wife who admitted to having an affair with a man she worked with. Not that it is relevant, but I had met him at previous work functions. I had also met his wife.


I was gutted. Totally gutted. My wife moved out to her brothers fairly soon after to give me some space. I could not really believe that this had happened as marriage to me had only one rule and that had just been broken. My immediate thoughts were I didn't want to be with her anymore. She had broken the one and only big rule of marriage and I didn't want to deal with it. Friends were really supportive and looking back my views of ending it all there and then were tempered by friends and family views of no rushing into things and taking a step back.


I took a step back. I blamed myself for not showing as much attention as I should have done and blamed her for not being strong enough to resist being with another man. The affair I have since learned was brief - 3 or 4 months. I am told they slept together only twice - does it really matter? the boundary had been crossed.


I turned to my work colleague. She could not have been more understanding and supportive. I spoke, she listened. She was impartial and spoke without malice. We talked and talked and within weeks, we slept together. My wife remained at her brothers giving me the space in order to sort myself out, and I went headlong into a very intense relationship with someone else. We spent almost every moment together and enjoyed the company and every part of each other at almost every moment. I had never been with anyone else outside of a relationship before and here I was falling into a situation which should not have happened.


January, February, March, April and May passed. I didn't know what to do, but kept on seeing the one who gave me so much time and was really making me happy. My wife kept asking if I knew what I wanted and I took the weak way out by committing to as little as possible. She returned home. We had separate bedrooms. By this time, I for one did not want to sleep with her - partly because she had been with another man and mainly because feelings had by now developed for L and I felt I didn't want to cheat on her.


I continued to see L. We spoke with complete openness about the ongoing situation. I really, really saw a future with L, and feared greatly about what friends and family would think. I thought about the messiness of splitting up from my wife, selling the house and taking a huge step into the unknown. I also feared that this had started in part for the wrong reasons.


My wife and I eventually sought counselling at her request. We sat week after looking at the reasons why my wifes affair had happened and I began to understand maybe why she had turned to someone else who gave her the suport and understanding that at late 2002 was lacking from our relationship and from me. I sat there the whole time secretly living a lie. Continuing to see L and wanting to be with her whilst engaging in giving me wife false hope that we might be able to work at our relationship and have a future together. I was starting to feel really bad about myself in a way that I had never done before.


The counselling ended after about 7 weeks which was about as long as it took for the counsellor to cover the whole syllabus. I never spoke of L.


My relationship with L continued and feelings crept up on us to a point where we were falling in love with each other. Completely and absolutely in love. I began in some ways to feel guilty about this as I knew I was really now misleading my wife and no better than her.


I remained in the spare bedroom on the context of not rushing things and saying I would move back in when I was ready. L continued to be supportive and really wanted me to make the break to be with her. The situation intensified and continued. L started to become frustrated with me for not making the break. Time and time again I thought seriously about leaving my wife, to the point of having the words 'I am leaving you' in my mouth and not saying them.


I think it was in July or August when I reluctantly agreed to go away with my wifes family for a week in the country. I could not get L out of my head. For the first time I slept in the same bed as my wife although we did not sleep together for the same reasons as before. I don't know why I went away but this was the first time that leading my wife to falsely believe I wanted to try at getting our marriage on track again meant I had to go along with the holiday.


During the week, she confronted me about L. I don't hide my feelings too well and she had certainly picked up on the fact that all was not right. I admitted to what was by now a serious, loving, fun, exciting, committed and complete affair. She was not especially angry. I explained what had happened, when it had happened and again found myself leaving out truly how I felt about L. I downplayed the feelings I had about her and the level of feelings between L and myself. I took the weak way out. After a lot of conversation I agreed to end the affair saying that I really wanted to give my wife (and us) a chance. My wife agreed to this and shortly after my return - and with my wifes knowledge met L and tried to explain that we shouldn't see each other anymore. L was heartbroken and I felt like a total shit. I was now truly living a lie and misleading everyone including myself.


In some ways, I felt relieved that I had paved the way to trying to commit to my wife and that there were now no secrets to come out and bite me in the future. I had really hurt L and she was deeply upset. I could not have felt worse about how I had upset her and started to resent the presense of my wife, for in a twisted way I felt it was her fault for this mess.


I started to sleep again in the same bed as my wife. I continued not to sleep with her for if I did, there would be no future for L and I. L and I continued to see each other although I was having to see less and less of her in order to make my wife think that I had ended the relationship.


I went on holiday with my wife in September to see for myself if I could reignite the physical feelings I had had for her. It didn't happen. It did however re-inforce the real partnership side of our relationship. She is the most caring of people, and truly regrets what has happened. She is nothing other than supportive of everything that I do (including the long irregular hours of work) and is totally there for me. She is everything she was when I married her but I cannot commit to her physically. I don't find her unattractive but cannot bring myself to cheat on L.


Over the last month L has quite rightly become unhappy that I have not yet left my wife. I am the cause of that unhappiness and that in itself does not make me feel good about myself. I know that this would not compare to the unhappiness that my wife would feel if she found out I was still seeing L (no matter how infrequently) or if I left my wife to be with L.


The difficulties I have are many. I love my wife as person but still am not committing to her sexually. I don't doubt the love she has for me, and on a partner level the love I have for her. The love that L has is unconditional. She has not 'cheated' on me and the honesty of her feelings towards me are absolute. I remain torn. The less I see L, the more I want her. She makes me feel so alive and happy. I feel as if my wife has tainted my views on starting a family with her. I now know how fragile relationships can be and am so glad we never became parents - although if we had this would never have happened, not having a family sooner I am sure is partly why the independance and troubles started in the first place.


As mad as it sounds, I can would want nothing more than a future - including a family with L. I am hurting everyone and misleading myself. It is so easy to say you have to do what your heart tells you and so hard to do it. I am with a wife who is my best friend - although I should never be treating my best friend like this. She gives me the stability that has always been important to me but I am not committing to giving her any more. I am really starting to hurt L. She has everything to offer and I know deep down that if I don't make the break now, I will regret not doing so. There is the huge danger of stepping into the unknown and fear that if - to put it bluntly - I make the wrong choice I will end up without either.


After almost a year I am at crisis point. If I fully committed to my wife there is every chance that we have a future together but the children thing frightens me after what has happened. L is everything I want and I know we could be so happy together.


Please accept my apologies for the length of this posting. This is the first time I have really put my thoughts down from start to end.


I know you only live once and you should do what makes you happy but that is also a very simplistic view. Is this a rough patch I can work through or do I make the break? I know ultimately the choice is mine but I am finding it so very hard.

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I am sorry to hear your troubles, it sounds very complicated.


I think that the best thing you can do is what feels most right to you. I know you muist feel you should work at your marriage and so you should but also if there is too much past there that you cant move on from which it seems there is then I think its time for you to call it a day and go your own ways.


If L is going to make you happy then thats who you should be with but be careful that once you leave your wife (if you do) that the thrill of the chase doesnt wear off with L or you could end up on your own.


Good luck with whatever you choose x

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In one hand you have your wife who has stood by you through quite a bit and still maintained her composure. She supports you and is concerned enough about your marriage to seek counseling. You made a promise to your wife when you married her, that no matter what, you'd be there and love her. You've created a home with your wife, and have already set the ground floor for building a family. Yes, she may have been unfaithful, but she admitted to her flaws and is truley regretful. This is a woman who seems like she was getting the "I'm lonely" itch and acted on it foolishly.


In the other hand you have a woman, a co-worker no less, that could be the worst person to have a relationship with, because now if you and L break things off, you still have to see her in the office on a daily basis. L may make you happy, but what does she do different to make you happy? Does you wife do the same thing? Could she do the same things? L seems to be in a situation herself, she wants a married man (which I've been there before) but she's not taking into consideration that you two have come so far as a couple. Another thing she's not taking into consideration is that you two are infact Married, not an easy legal bond to break. If you two file for divorce, it could get long, drawn out and nasty. Do you really think she's going to stand by you after she finds out that you're probably going to have to pay spousal support?


It sounds like L might need to be let go in a way. I know she means a lot to you, but you made a commitment to your wife. Try and work things out with your wife, be open and honest with her about everything. If you don't feel sexually attracted to her, tell her, but don't be rude about it. Maybe there is still some spark in there somewhere for her. Maybe she's got a cute piece of lengerie that she wore while you two were dating that still turns you on. Before walking away from something you've had this long, try and make it work. When all else fails, then separate.


Let L know your decisions and see if she respects them. See if your wife understands you and your position. I do hope you the best, but I believe that you should try and fix what you have before hopping onto something "bigger and better". L may seem like what you want now, but in 5-10 years will she still be as desireable? Will she have made the same decisions as your wife to have slept with someone else? Will you have to go through this horrid mess again? Be true to your self, but keep in mind everything you do will change your life.

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Wow, this is a tough one. Forgive me if I'm going to sound harsh but I think there are some things you need to think about and I only know certain ways to say them.....(I'm not judging you!) If I were you, the first thing I would do is tell both of them that you need some time alone. I would put in for some time off work, plan a getaway for just yourself, and do a lot of soul searching. With one or both of them around all the time, it's very difficult to think clearly at this point. I'm not going to tell you to leave your wife or stay with her, I only want to give you some things to think about.


During this time, think about the following: Think about all the events that led up to everything and how you feel about what actually happened. I am a firm believer in once a cheater always a cheater, but I guess it's possible that people can change. It is just difficult for me to believe. You are in a very bad situation because you both were unfaithful so it not only puts the guilt on both of you for this failure, it shows that your marriage is in serious trouble that can possibly never be mended. Trust is one thing that is extremely hard to earn back once it is broken - true trust, anyway. Ask yourself, could you trust your wife ever again, when you're not around, are you going to constantly check up on her to see if she's cheating again, is it going to drive you nuts? It would drive me nuts....


The affair with the co-worker is definitely not a good situation, as the previous poster mentioned the reasons behind that. I don't care how wonderful you think she is, she's not. She is a rebound relationship and that is a fact. You are only seeing the good things about her because that's all you're getting. You're not seeing how she lives in her home, like your wife. You're not seeing the dirty laundry on the floor, her leaving the cap off the toothpaste, her without makeup, her burnt suppers, her moods during her period, her bad habits, her insecurities, or her real thoughts. You are living a fantasy with her. Who's to say she'll even want you afterward either, I know I wouldn't want to be with a man who is cheating on his wife. A bell might go off in her head after you leave your wife and she might think, "wow, now that I have this guy I don't really want him." My advice on this girl is to tell her you are extremely sorry but you were messed up because of your wife's affair and you wrongly leaned on her for comfort, and that you never want contact with her again. If she inquires about what you're going to do with your wife, tell her it is none of her business. She will be hurt, but it's her own fault for messing with a married man. She should have expected it. That's a no-brainer.

You admitted that you were wrong to begin with, about not giving your marriage the time it needed -- you have made a huge step in the right direction and that is respectful. Your wife WAS wrong to cheat, and you were wrong to cheat. Know that and accept it. I think you are worried too much about what both of them think and what the families think. WHO CARES????? You can't control their feelings. You made your vows and you broke them. OK so now you have to take responsibility for your actions and fix it. All you can do is either mend things with your wife or you can get a divorce. There is no other choice. Screw what your wife thinks, (she cheated, remember?) screw what L thinks, what the family thinks, and what the co-workers think. It's your life and sometimes people forget that they do not live your life, YOU do. If it's not going to work it's not going to work. They don't have to live with the choice, YOU do. If it is going to work, it's going to take a lot of work and trust. If you feel it's worth saving, save it. If you don't, get a divorce, move, get a new job and start a new life.

If thousands of people can do this every day, you know you can too. You are strong enough to make the decisions you need to make, stop allowing people to infiltrate their ways into your head. Make a decision and stick to it!!!

PM me anytime if you would like more insight... I've been through a similar situation. Hope you find the strength to move on.

Remember, we can fix things just as we can mess them up.

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We sat week after looking at the reasons why my wifes affair had happened and I began to understand maybe why she had turned to someone else who gave her the suport and understanding that at late 2002 was lacking from our relationship and from me.


This quote is a good starting place, I think. You need to let go of any notion that your wife's affair was partly your fault. Yes, you could have been more supportive and understanding; that's a common complaint in modern marriages. However, she apparently chose to cheat on you instead of seek counseling initially, and as you imply in your post, she likely had baby-related feelings of resentment and disappointment that drove her into the arms of another man. Now, you have difficulty trusting her or getting physical with her, because she has broken spiritual and emotional vows. She in effect debased your manhood in the relationship when she cheated with another man after she failed to become pregnant. In my opinion, that's a subtext in this situation.


Next, you found a perhaps naive or commitmentphobic woman who was willing to have a deep love affair with a married man with whom she worked. She played perfectly into your feelings at the time and gave you everything your wife did not. It's quite clear to me that your wife is understanding of this affair because she feels at fault for its occurrence. Now that you're told L that you aren't leaving your wife, she will have trouble ever trusting you in the same way again, and remember, she chose a married man, and as such you may find her pulling away if you ever commit to her. She may not like commitment at all.


This sad chain of events had progessed to a point that there are no ideal solutions. You need to choose a path that seems optimal, and then never look back. One choice you did not mention is divorce your wife and see L for a period of time to decide if you should be together. In other words, choose neither. Perhaps as a single man, you'd discover someone else, or discover that L is not right for you. She came into your life at a vulnerable time, and I think your top priority should be to become centered and grounded again, and let your decisions flow from that place.

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Being in a very similar situation myself, I'm afraid I'm going to have to report that there is no easy answer.


A few things though. Be prepared to face the very real possiblity that you might be on your own for a while. The thing you have on the positive side in this respect is that you've married one woman, and fallen in love with a second. That points to a third somewhere down the line should you become completely unattached as a very real possiblity. You'd likely only end up being on your own from this point forward for the long term only if you choose to be.


Make sure you're not going to end your marriage to be with L unless you are absolutely sure L will keep you happy in the long term. It's hard to judge this because you can't really live with only L in your life and not your wife under the current conditions. The newness will quicly wear off, and you may find it's not as appealing as you at first thought.


What does you wife want? If she wants a divorce, than maybe you should consider that more strongly. If she's become unhappy with you, will it be the same if the two of you decide to try again after all this has happened? Does she still love you enought?


Does you wife truly still make you happy? Do you want to be affectionate, or can you see yourself being that way in the short term? If there's nothing there, I doubt you'll be happy. There will always be the what-ifs.


Like you though, I often feel there are so many different reasons to stay married that splitting up due to love and shifting emotions is not always the dominant reason. There's the feeling of loss of somebody you've shared a lot with, the guilt of breaking vows, and not being there into the later years when life slows down again. There's the loss of mutual activities and investments. There's also the feeling you're letting your family and her family down by splitting up. Thank goodness you don't have kids, that just makes it even worse.


I wish you all the best. It's a hell of a tough decision to make. I thought I'd made it a few times myself, but I've realized I haven't. I fear I may never fully do so and the end result will be being without either of them.

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London, you've gotten some terrific advice. I've got just a little bit to add.

First, I have personally ended two very good relationships by cheating, and ended up having a relationship with the person I cheated with. IT DOESN'T WORK. Said another way, IT DOES NOT WORK.

You think L is perfect for you? Wait until you leave your wife--who seems like a very nice lady, in spite of everything--and you have to deal with the guilt and pain and resentment of what you've lost. Guess who's going to catch the blame-bullet here? Did you guess L? If you did, you are so very right.

And somebody already mentioned that L will never trust you. How could she possibly? Your relationship with L was likely doomed from the outset, simply because of its nature.

My advice: Leave your wife and get a place of your own. Make no promises to anyone. Quit seeing L. Give it several months--or longer--and then try to find some closure with L. Then, if you are truly able to put that behind you, see if there's enough of a relationship with your wife left to salvage. Be honest with yourself. It may be that you need to start over fresh with a whole new partner--isn't it very strange how relationships seem to have personalities of their own, how two wonderful people can have an absolutely horrible relationship? And finally, cut yourself some slack. Everybody makes mistakes. It's how we grow. Best of luck.


PS I hope that final statement about learning from our mistakes doesn't offend the sensibilities of the "once a cheater always a cheater" camp-- otherwise recognizable as proponents of the Theory of How Human Beings are Essentially Flatworms with Better Motor Skills and Net-Browsing Software.

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Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time out to read the long description of my current / ongoing situation.


All of thr advice is gratefully received, printed off and being digested slowly.


I know I love my wife, certainly on a true partner level, I guess there is a deep down fear that no matter how perfect you feel things are at any given time there is always something that can go wrong.


I shall take some time out for some really deep soul searching and I do see a lot of positive ways forward aided by your comments - each of which I have been thinking about over the last year.


I would advise any married partners never, never to get involved with another whilst in the commitment of marriage, no matter how bad you perceive the situation to be at the time - same rule for guys and girls.... I certainly have no intention of ever placing myself (and my wife) in this position again.


The very last post does bring a real sense of reality to the situation and I know that you are right in what you say (as all of you have been).


I will deal with this and ease of the self blame thing.


Many thanks to each of you - I will post the outcome in good time. Thank you again.

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Greetings again,

I am glad to hear that you got some great advice on this one... it is tough. We will all be here to support you through this, should you need it. It sounds like you are a man who learned immensely from his mistake and will never do it again.... that's wonderful!!! I'm glad that you are not a "once a cheater always a cheater".... take pride in the fact that you learned from this experience and are thinking it through thoroughly. We are all human... Good luck!

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Hello London UK.


I am a woman but in the same situation with a married man. Our situation is so similar, its uncanny. My partner of two years has been in dilemma on leaving his wife for a whole year now, and i have been hurt badly and crushed by his ups and downs and indecisive attitude. I know how much he loves and wants to be me and how happy we could be, but he is so attached to his children he finds it hard to leave. His wife is using every trick in the book to keep him and she has known about me for a year now. I last spoke to her 6 weeks ago when he lied to me about a few things and i decided i needed either closure or some sort of commitment that i felt he was not giving me but promising me every day. He constantly says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and marry me, and i believe him and i know its real true love. He lies to his wife which i dont feel is right as she will end up being so hurt and hateful to him, i feel he is doing it all wrong by lying to her, and every day, its only giving her the hope he may stay, but out of guilt and remorse to her. She knows he is not in love with her, but loves her. You know that feeling. But, she will eventually find out the truth and it will be 100 times worse than if he had just left in the beginning. Why prolong the agony and be somewhere where you dont want to be. You deserve to be happy and if you have found true love with L, grab it with both hands or you may loose her and it will be too late to go back. A woman can only take so much. My partner is the love of my life. I left a husband for him and gave everything up, but my children are happy now and i can talk to my ex husband. He knew all along about Jason and caught us out. You have to follow your heart. Life is so short and its too short to be unhappy. Your wife deserves to find someone to love her like you love L. True love happens only once in a lifetime, some people search all their lives and never find it. You have a chance and HAVE found it, so grab it, and dont let it pass you by. You will regret it for the rest of your life and will begin to resent your wife for it.

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I'm sorry jubear, but Come On!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have to disagree with your last post.... the last thing this man needs right now is someone telling him to leave his wife for some woman who messed around with a married man! He's already got enough problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Granted, everyone makes mistakes, as you are making right now by wasting so much of your energy. What would be the point of getting married as long as there are people like you around? Just because you messed around and are in love with a married man who obviously doesn't feel the same way about you, but you are too blind to see it, doesn't mean that his situation is the same. Your fling hasn't left his wife for you -- he won't, they never do!!! He is using you to pump up his ego because his actions speak louder than his words, as always!!! This man who posted for help realized he screwed up and is on his way to a better life. He has a lot on the line to give up for someone who doesn't even respect the sanctity of a marriage. How would you feel if YOUR husband messed around on you? Does that even give you a glimpse of the pain you're causing? I find it horrifying to know that there are people like you in this world, acting as if you are more important than his vows to his wife, God, and himself. You will experience the pain you have caused his wife and how she feels one day... karma will get you, girl. Ask God for forgiveness now and learn from YOUR mistake!!!! You are worth far more than that.

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  • 8 months later...

Here I am some eight months after I posted the original text. My relationship with L has ended, some four months ago. It broke my heart then and it breaks my heart now knowing that something so very good and maybe through rose tinted glasses so very special and perfect is over. I continued to see her until April this year. The more I saw her, the more I hurt her through my indecision, and as much as it hurts me, even now I find it so very hard, I never meant to make her feel bad. For this reason, it was not fair to continue our relationship whilst still at home. She deserves better and I was not the one to give it.


As time drew on, my relationship with my wife stengthened and it became clear to me that in order to leave her I had to be so very, very sure that that was what I wanted to do. I very much believe that once you have made a decision there is no going back and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was fooling myself if I though that leaving her was entirely what I wanted to do. I do know that it isn't.


Although I work for the same organisation as L, I no longer work in the same location having moved on in May of last year. L took the very brave and difficult step of distancing herself, and as much as it hurt, it was the right thing to do. She is getting on with her life and there is someone else in her life to share the days ahead. I cannot interfere. It is not fair. It hurts like hell.


I love my wife dearly and life is getting better. It is true to say that some days are better than others but we are getting there. It is also true to say however, that I continue to love L dearly and time does not diminish these feelings and the hurt is still very much there. I miss her terribly and see no way of that changing. Ever. It is impossible to spend so much time with another in the way that we did without feeling no emotion. I have to bury these feelings deep inside or I just cannot move on.


So there you have it. Life IS getting better. I know that much. I do feel so very guilty about hurting all of those involved. Not a minute goes by when I don't reflect, and I guess (and indeed hope) that as time goes by, these feelings will fade because I know if I feel like this in a years time, my full attention is not with my wife which is what she also deserves.


If there was ever anything to be learnt, I have answered my original question. If your relationship is over, and you are as sure as you can be that it is, move on. Even if that means going it alone for a while. If you don't, there is nothing but hurt waiting for you and those around you and believe me, it doesn't go away.

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Greetings again.


I remember you very well.


I am glad to hear back from you, and that you feel you are progressing. I still sense a lot of pain from you, and a somewhat bittersweet feeling. You seem numb to a lot of feelings that you might need to still acknowledge, and I hope that you can be emotionally honest with yourself from now on.


If staying with your wife is what you feel is right, then I congratulate you on your progress with her.... but you still claim that you love and still long for L, and that may continue to be a problem until you end the inner battle that you are experiencing. I know that being in "limbo" is harder for me than doing one thing or the other.... I'm not sure about how you feel in that respect.


You sound determined yet "stuck" in staying with your wife and that concerns me. However I'm sure you're doing what you feel is right for you, and feel free to come here and talk any time.


Glad you updated us!

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Wow, this was a really provocative thread. I'm so scared to get married when I read things like this...because people do change, and so do their feelings. Who is to say that someone else can't come into your partner's life and take them away from you? . Anyway, I just watched the Woody Allen movie "Husbands and Wives" last night, and it made some interesting points about the whole nature of marriage, infidelity, and divorce. I recommend it, although it's certainly one of his more bittersweet films.

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I have great sympthoy for you, and what you are going through is probally the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with.


I am a strong believer in fate. Yet, I understand people do make mistakes.

However, I feel "L" was the person to help you through the darkness. And throughout your entire post, you had mentioned her with great passion. Fate leads us through many unknown paths...but a path is not a path until someone or something creates that very path. Until creation, it is nothing more than the unkown.


At first, "L" put your emotions first, before hers...a sign of a great, caring woman. Then she became attached. Which is common.


But I ask you this my friend....close your eyes....take a deep breath....



forget about the world....your life....your troubles....as if you were drifting on a cloud high in the sky....as free as the birds...as bright as the sun




when you are there....whom do you dream about?




That is the person you are destined to be with.










Good luck! and mostly...take care of yourself

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  • 5 years later...

Hello, I'm posting from Italy. Have been digging several forums in Italy and abroad to find a case like my own, and yours is 99%. We also have no kids, I also am in love with another lady called M, pissed but troubled with my wife that cheated with a business counterpart and has been very tough with my family and demanding re material things. The only difference with your story is that I do not work with M, but with my wife. And she's the one that had the affair in the office (the administrator of the building our own offices are based in). I am at a crossroad, and can't take on the stand alone solution because things are too far ahed with M and either I give a serious try with my wife or fly away with M. She's married and has two kids aged 11 and 15 and already told her husband she's leaving.


I am very much into knowing how your story really ended. It passed quite some time by now. Did you remain with your wife happily? Sex started happening again and is it satisfactory? Or did you break apart and met L again? Another analogy with you is that there has been alomost no sex for years with my wife because of me. Not willing, feeling not welcomed not much in the bedroom but overall in our common life, her typical reply to any idea or request was 'No'.


Thanks for an update, and apologies if my English is not perfect...



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  • 6 months later...

I have the house to myself and a spare moment online.


I don't know what prompted me to come back here after so many years, but seeing as this topic isn't entirely dead - and to show that things do not always fail as they so often seem to these days I thought I would update anyone who cared to read this.


Well, six years on..... God where did they go?!


I am with my (original!) wife and we have a son (four and a half) and a daughter (one and a half). Our relationship is perhaps the best it has ever been.


Going back to the darker years for a moment, we took on some counselling - whilst I don't especially believe in it, it got us talking. The biggest single thing I can recommend is talking. We talk about everything - more now than we ever did.


The problems we both had - the post reads all about me but that it really only ever half the story - are well behind us. In a perverse way, our relatoinship is stronger now than it ever was. I really mean that. We sometimes talk about what happened - and for us it was our wake up call. So many of our friends have gone through similar experiences, many have ended their relationships and gone on to meet new partners. In many cases I not so convinced life for many of them has worked out better.


L and I still work for the same organisation and very occasionally we cross paths - in a random, non intentional way. Lots of things have moved on since 2003. She is now married and has children of her own. Nothing is said, at the very most we exchange a knowing smile. Yes I still care for her and maybe one day we might talk about the past, but to be honest it is probably best left where it was.


I love my life again. My little family is growing up. I love my wife and I love the time we spend together. You absolutely never know what is around the corner. I sometimes wonder 'what if' but there is little point. You have to be brave, make your decision and if it works out wear a knowing smile and be proud of your achievements. You have to do what feels right - nothing is irrepairable if thats what you want to do - and I can guaranteenyou'll never get an answer to the 'what if' question.


If you got this far, be strong and good luck.



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I was reading the original thread and I looked at the date and said to myself oh shoot, it's seven years old and low and behold you are online. LOL


I guess back then you were in a dark dark place and probably couldn't see the forest through the trees. As I was reading, I kept thinking, he doesn't want to leave his wife because he is still there. I'm glad everything worked out for you and congratulations on the babies.

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WOW, a real life story! So, so glad he came back with the update! I hate that so many of these threads leave us hanging like a movie without a proper ending. Great read and I am so glad that it worked out for the OP and to end up with 2 precious children is the icing on the cake. Thanks for sharing and for giving us a happy ending............

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  • 6 years later...

Some 14 years on I am so glad I made the effort. Two fantastic kids now almost 11 and 8, a great wife who is also my best friend and absolutely no regrets. For those of you who are where I was in 2003, all I can say is no matter how bad things are right now, there can be a happy ending. Some will say you only live once, I will say after a lot of soul searching I am just so pleased I used my head.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel for you so much. I really do. I know what it feels like to have your head in one safe, easy going, comfortable place but your heart wanting to explore the what if's in life. My situation differs to yours in that my married man will never leave his wife even though there have been talks in the past it was a passing conversation (after sex) which we all know heightens and intensifies any feelings. I was sad to read your story because it is so similar to mine although yours is still alive. I am coming out the other end of mine and i look back and remember how intense it was in the beginning, those feelings for each other, the constant contact and i honestly believed it would never end and then we would be together but unfortunately, I do have to agree with the comments that it is a fantasy. Its a relationship without crumbs. No morning breath or toilet not cleaned or washing not done. This was the biggest eye opener for me that all the things that stop you wanting to be husband and wife will eventually occur with the other person if you choose to embark on a relationship. Its possible they stay cute and you will grow old together but I read time and time again that things are no different. I guess it depends what matters to you. I believe that you are still in the moment, and its wonderful, I do understand that because I miss it so much in my affair. Its almost a feeling that I worry I may look for when things end here, which I know imminently will. 4 years was longer than I thought it would last but i can feel its gone cold on his part. His life is too busy, his family demanding and I am the only thing that gets left out as a result. I agree that some time on your own is the only way that this will even itself out. Remember not to punish yourself. Look at my user name? I know what I mean. If you forgive yourself for the situation you have ended up in then you will see clearly where you should be, that might not be with either of them.


Good luck.

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  • 1 month later...


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