My SO has a terrible addiction (just found out)

[TheSmilingTurnip]

But she lied to me from the beginning of the relationship.

 

I must admit i have seen her take a pain killer from time to time (maybe once every 5 months) and she told me she used to to cocaine but stopped for me. But she never told me about her painkiller habit being daily, and her cocaine abuse at least weekly.

 

Oh sorry -- I didn't mean to imply that her fears justified lying, they don't justifiy it or excuse it. Did she lie about other things too? Probably.

[servedcold]

I'd leave her and not look back. Two years is way too long to lie to someone you love about something so important. She has selfishly kept you in the dark way too long. 6 months, maybe, one year, probably not, two years, definitely not. Until she proves by her actions that she is making drastic changes in her life, honesty as much as addiction, you must assume that she has no respect or real love for you. Leave her be IMO. Thank goodness you haven't married her.

[Papillion]

She said she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would leave her.

 

absolutely she did. totally convinced of it. in the end she became comfortable with the lie. she built a fence round it. it was almost "none of your business" if that makes sense.

[Papillion]

I'd leave her and not look back. Two years is way too long to lie to someone you love about something so important. She has selfishly kept you in the dark way too long. 6 months, maybe, one year, probably not, two years, definitely not. Until she proves by her actions that she is making drastic changes in her life, honesty as much as addiction, you must assume that she has no respect or real love for you. Leave her be IMO. Thank goodness you haven't married her.

 

OP, this is why she didnt tell you.

 

Many people think like this. She assumed you would too.

[Papillion]

Most addicts know that their addiction is usually a deal breaker in relationships where people are not blood-related.

 

Yes, they know this. Because they're having an affair. With the drug. And they're spending the housekeeping on it as well...

[chitown]

She wants to act like she will get help, and go about business as usual.

 

I cannot just act like this isnt a big deal.

 

How do I act, and portray to her that this is completely unacceptable.

 

What do i say to her to make her realize i have 1 and 1/2 feet out the door? And she must stop immediately?

 

Honestly i am leaning toward leaving her, but I still care enough to help her.

[servedcold]

OP, this is why she didnt tell you.

 

Many people think like this. She assumed you would too.

 

And the thinking that many people have is absolutely correct. At some time in the first year of a relationship, such matters must be dealt with, or it shoud be assumed that there is no real love or respect there, only using. To let the web of lies go on for two years is absolutely unforgivable IMO and I stand by it. Perhaps if there was a marriage in place, a generally happy one for a substantial length of time, someone in OP's shoes might feel reasonably obligated to try to work through it. Such is not the case here.

 

Another point to consider is that in all likelihood, regardless of what she says to the contrary, OP is in fact an enabler of her behavior. It is incredibly difficult to hide a serious cocaine addiction from an S.O. who isn't looking the other way for that length of time.

[chitown]

I take that back. i dont know if i will leave her..i dont know what to do.

[chitown]

ServedCold.. (and everyone)

 

Like I said, i have had my suspicion about her, and my gut told me something was off for a very long time. But I NEVER could pinpoint it. She would use with her friends and was obvously rediculously good at hiding it.

 

Now this does support her claim that her cocaine use is only social, but she does say it has a grip on her when in her presense. Her pill habit according to her is (once a night)...

 

Is this to be believed?

 

ServedCold, i think you are right about your last post.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

She wants to act like she will get help, and go about business as usual.

 

I cannot just act like this isnt a big deal.

 

How do I act, and portray to her that this is completely unacceptable.

 

What do i say to her to make her realize i have 1 and 1/2 feet out the door? And she must stop immediately?

 

Honestly i am leaning toward leaving her, but I still care enough to help her.

 

To be honest, her stopping is not contingent on anything that you do. Her addiction is not about you, and her stopping won't be about you. It'll be about staying the same being more painful for her than changing her ways. And that's completely about her, see what I mean?

 

You have to decide for YOURSELF what you can accept and what you can't, and then you have to make a decision for yourself. Her health is her responsibility. Nothing you do can fix her.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

ServedCold.. (and everyone)

 

Like I said, i have had my suspicion about her, and my gut told me something was off for a very long time. But I NEVER could pinpoint it. She would use with her friends and was obvously rediculously good at hiding it.

 

Now this does support her claim that her cocaine use is only social, but she does say it has a grip on her when in her presense. Her pill habit according to her is (once a night)...

 

Is this to be believed?

 

ServedCold, i think you are right about your last post.

 

No this is not to be believed. She is trying to minimize her usage to make herself look a little better. Don't fall for it. A painkiller's body forms a chemical dependency on the painkiller. I'm not sure about cocaine, but pill addictions are both physical and behavioral, not just behavioral.

[Iggy5129]

When I first started dating my most recent ex he told me that he does a lot of cocaine and other drugs. When I told him this was unacceptable to me he said that he wouldn't do it anymore. I believed him but he still occasionally did it and lied to me about it even though I told him to just be honest. After he came clean and told me that he was doing drugs behind my back I was pretty upset and it made our relationship quite rocky. I thought maybe since he came clean that he would stop. But no, he kept doing it and when I confronted him because I knew he was doing it (found rolled up dollar bills in his pocket, knew that his voice got scratchy when he had done coke) he would always deny it and then once he admitted it he would not understand how it hurts me.

 

All I'm trying to say is that it is VERY difficult to have a relationship with someone who has a problem with drugs. My ex didn't go to rehab so if your gf is willing to do that it is a lot better than my situation, but still I think that for her to maintain a relationship while dealing with this would be extremely difficult. You should probably end it for now but be there for her if she needs to talk or anything, that would be the best scenario for her if you can handle it. I didn't dump my ex because of it, although I wish I had, we broke up for other reasons but I can see now that the drugs were a HUGE reason why our relationship was so rocky and why he was so selfish. Good luck!

[JadedStar]

She wants to act like she will get help, and go about business as usual.

 

I cannot just act like this isnt a big deal.

 

How do I act, and portray to her that this is completely unacceptable.

 

What do i say to her to make her realize i have 1 and 1/2 feet out the door? And she must stop immediately?

 

Honestly i am leaning toward leaving her, but I still care enough to help her.

 

Addicts are great at making promises and saying they will get help.

 

You must tell her that she shows some solid action plans and steps to you and make progress each week or you are gone. Don't sugarcoat it, let her know she already breached your trust by lying about it just to keep you, and now she has to put her money where her mouth is.

 

She needs to enroll immediately in a substance abuse program and not miss a single meeting and see a therapist.

[flower99]

Hey there chitown, Sorry for the postion you are in right now.

I don't know how much help I can be, but I am a former addict myself. Addicts down play the addiction, partly because they are ashamed partly because they like to believe it's not as bad as it. When she says she doesn't think rehab is necessary..I take that as a warning. She hasn't come to accept how deep she is in. Without seeing that- she won't do what she needs to help herself. and the cycle will continue (as it has been) She says she's been trying to kick this since before you two began dating...She's in Deep. She needs to realize that & get herself the help she needs. Maybe your words can open her eyes..

 

I don't know if you should stay or go, Only you know that. And what best for you. Personally i'd definietly be hurt by her lies, But like you said, you love her & care for her so it's hard to walk away from that. But be sure you don't stay because you feel it's your responsibility. Because it's not.

myself I don't know what's I'd do....I might step out of the relationship but you two are broken up right now at the moment correct? if not I would step back a bit, to protect yourself.(Because it will be a long hard road ahead, a lot of ups & downs, actually far more downs than ups.) But I'd continue to supporting her & helping her through this IF she is seeking help for herself. Watch what's happens. and keep praying.

[chitown]

In ANYONES experience...

 

Just because she admited it, is there still a chance she is no where near ready to deal with it?

 

Or is admitting the first good sign?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

In ANYONES experience...

 

Just because she admited it, is there still a chance she is no where near ready to deal with it?

 

Or is admitting the first good sign?

 

It depends on the admission. If she were admitting that she's an addict and that she's powerless over her substance, that would be substantial. She might be ready to deal with it then. JUST admitting to her addiction doesn't do much, and she could very well be nowhere near ready to deal with it.

[flower99]

I admitted it many times before I actually did anything about it. just like people admit they are addicted to Cigarettes...doesn't mean they are ready to quit it. You did say you cornered her than she admitted it? so it wasn't her coming out & ready to be honest.....it was her getting cornered & finally confessing.

 

I think unless she stops living in denial about how deep she is in, this isn't ready to end. HOWEVER maybe you- being the only person around her who doesn't enable or support this- maybe YOU can help wake her up to see how deep she's in. And what she may lose if she doesn't get her act together.

 

for 2 years she's been trying to kick this, she hasn't yet....She either isn't trying hard enough & wanting to bad enough - or isn't getting the help she needs. But she has to want it - See if she does.

[JadedStar]

Admitting it could be a good sign that she wants help, or it could be she felt her secret was about to be uncovered anyway so she'd better fess up.

 

I am sure a part of her wants to stop. I don't think any addict wants to continue that way forever, but the motivation has to be REALLY REALLY HIGH. Coke is a very addictive drug. I have known people who relapsed for years.

 

If it were me, i know this sounds mean but i might have to move forward without her. I would not want to deal with the yo you of dating a coke head. And pain pill addictions can be as hard to overcome as coke.

[chitown]

Upon communicating through email .. Here is what she just said... any takers?

 

 

I agree. It is a problem. I wasn't saying it wasn't babe. I just don't think I should be put in the category of some of the people you are talking to.

 

I wasn't defending the problem, I was merely saying how often....don't make me out to be some person you see on intervention.

 

I'm addressing it, that you can be sure of.

 

As I said before, this is not daily use. I've only had the stuff I gave you last night because my mom gave it to me....so since Thanksgiving I've had it.....I'VE NEVER BOUGHT ANY FROM ANYONE ELSE.... The other stuff is a problem when I go out.

 

I think it is good that you are getting advice from people, but are these people thinking that I'm doing this at work or all the time....or that I'm not paying bills and I'm a total user.

 

As I've said, I'm not trying to downplay any of this....... The other stuff is a problem when I'm around it....that is the truth. The other stuff I gave you isn't all the time. As I said, I've had it since thanksgiving.

[chitown]

Another...

 

The grasp is enough to warrant getting help. You don't need to say anymore.

[flower99]

Just curious, why is her mom is giving her pills? how often is she around coke? And why is she around it if it's a problem?

 

during my addiction, I never had a problem paying bill either, rent, food on the table....i was a very responsible organize single mom & college student...but addict behind closed doors. Of course not as bad as so many others i knew...but that doesn't mean it wasn't bad for me. I used meth to keep me awake & help me study (; and the problem lasted years, even when I was done school...obviously a problem. I felt like I had no control around it...it controled me, I no longer controled it.

 

If she agrees she has a problem, ask her what she's doing about her problem?

[beauty21]

In ANYONES experience...

 

Just because she admited it, is there still a chance she is no where near ready to deal with it?

 

Or is admitting the first good sign?

 

Yes, there is a chance. I am in alcohol abuse counseling and even now that I am attending I am still not ready to deal with it. I actually like to drink. I like the way it makes me feel, and I like to socialize when I am drunk with my buddies. Doesn't mean I don't want to stop, I just have an addictive personality where drinking is included in my day.

 

In my class, there was a video tape about being "in denial". I am still in denial a little. There will be times where she wants to relapse because she is feeling angry or sick, but with support she can get thru it. Admitting is a good sign. But counseling is the first step.

[chitown]

Her mom and dad are hippies pretty much. She is a nurse.

 

She does not frown on recreational use.

[JadedStar]

I would leave her. NO ifs ands or buts. If a man i was dating downplayed it to this degree I'd realize he is going to be a user for a VERY long time and nothing I can say is going to change that. She thinks everything is just fine.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but she does not think there is anything wrong with her recreational use and there is NOTHING in that email that sounds like she is going to make a bit of effort.

 

She is using that classic "i'm not like those others" excuse.

 

She sees herself as "better" than some other users. She needs a better grip on reality. Maybe it will help her grasp it if you say I"m sorry babe, I don't want a coke head in my life.

 

I don't like how she is trying to call other users "losers" but yet since her use is recreational she is above them. A user is a user, little girl needs to grow up and realize that.

 

Feel free to share my post with her. I have been around enough users, both casual and addicts, to know the difference and just because she is recreationally using one is not a reason to act like there is no problem. And the "other" well, at least she admits she has a big problem with that one.

 

I will never date another drug user again. Did that once, been there done that got the tshirt and will never go there again.

[flower99]

there is NOTHING in that email that sounds like she is going to make a bit of effort.

 

She is using that classic "i'm not like those others" excuse.

 

I would have to agree.

And honestly if she admits to having a problem being around coke, it's quite simple to fix...Don't go around it or near poeple who do it. (when quitting a drug, if serious about it, you drop a lot of friends - all the ones that do it)

She not even taking that simple step & her emails sounds like she not going to take any other steps. I'm not sure what to say. I'm sorry.