My SO has a terrible addiction (just found out)

[chitown]

her latest.

I told you, you can do whatever you need to do to get through this....you can talk to whomever.

 

I am going to do everything in my power. I called the therapist and went down to the bookstore to look at books on it. I am going to do everything necessary Jonathan. I want this, most importantly.

 

 

We can discuss all of this with a therpist. These people don't know anything about me. You can get all the advice you want Jonathan. You can get advice from your friends, family, strangers..whatever you think will help....but i think it would be more productive to sit down with a therapist rather than getting advice from untrained strangers who don't even know the situation.

[flower99]

yeah definietly talk to a theripist if you want to or think you need to.

curious, what's there to know about her that would change our opinion?

 

Also if you do want more help with this, they have NA classes for spouses of addicts. I hear they are pretty good. most of all, I think you should still pray about it, God knows what's best for you & can give you guidence & strength through this.

[chitown]

She also said.

 

Didn't my email just say that I was ready to separate myself from my friends?? Didn't I just say that I would be willing to move away from all of this?? Didn't I just say that I had a problem and that I WANT TO GET Help? I wasn't downplaying anything.

 

I'm going to do what is necessary...even if you decide not to be around. This is something I want for myself. I'm going to take the necessary steps. I'm going to do what is best for me, because I want to.....

[flower99]

She also said.

 

Didn't my email just say that I was ready to separate myself from my friends?? Didn't I just say that I would be willing to move away from all of this?? Didn't I just say that I had a problem and that I WANT TO GET Help? I wasn't downplaying anything.

 

I'm going to do what is necessary...even if you decide not to be around. This is something I want for myself. I'm going to take the necessary steps. I'm going to do what is best for me, because I want to.....

 

No her email didn't say that, at least not the one you posted.

 

I'd accept what she saying and stop communicating for now (doesn't look like it's getting anywhere, she seems like she's getting frustrated)

So just stop talking for now & Wait to see the results. Actions speak louder than words & pray she's serious about this & succeeds. that would be best for her.

[chitown]

Since people are askiing a little about her background.

 

She is very charasmatic and social. Friendly and caring, thoughtful. Truly a unique person.

 

SHe kind of grew up as she puts it an "ugly duckling" But has since grown to be beautiful, both inside and out.

 

She is very close with her family..(another mess)

 

She doesnt know how to handle the attention she gets "now that she has blossomed"

 

She is easily influenced by friends.

 

She cannot be alone and seeks to please people so she doesnt have to deal with herself.

 

She cheated on me very early on.

[JadedStar]

Yes, see a therapist, but the fact that she wants to hear of nothing we are saying wihtout knowing our backgrounds, our experience or credentitals tells me that she is going to be one of those people who blows smoke up your behind.

 

I hope I am wrong.

 

And yes, get her to see a therapist. I'd even recommend some group sessions if you can. She is disputing our advice as if we have never possibly encountered someone who is doing the same thing she is doing. Sure everyone is different, but she doesn't sound a bit like she is desperately wanting to quit. Users in this circumstance often elevate themselves above other users in an attempt to convince themselves they are so much better, so much different.

 

To be honest, her tone in her emails sounds like she is really annoyed. If she really wanted to quit and had a great love and respect for you I do believe you'd hear more remorse and more convictions in her pleas.

 

It sounds pretty flat, like you are annoying her. This is YOUR future too, and you should be able to spend it without drugs in your life, yet she sounds aggravated to even have to keep discussing it.

 

She cheated on me very early on.

 

Sorry if it offends her, but with all I know about relationships and my own past experiences I'd not continue this relationship. First the drug issues, now we find out she has also cheated on you before. Lovely.

 

I am sure she'll have some nasty retort to this advice as well.

[flower99]

^^ good point jadedstar

That's why I say wait & see. Look for results, not just words.

either way I think she could benefit from therapy.

And whatever you choose... I wish you must luck & happiness.

Keep us posted on how things go...we're always here.

[chitown]

I agree.

 

She did email me saying that tonight she is going to be looking into therapists.

 

...big deal right?

[chitown]

Now she is getting upset.....

 

That is simply not true. I just told you yesterday. I'm going to see a therapist and I agreed to go to group sessions last night with you Jonathan. I just told you all of this yesterday. I can't change and act on all of it in less than 12 hours from when I told you. I'm not annoyed. I'm not upset. I'm not downplaying anything. All I'm asking is for a chance to prove that I can do this. I WANT TO DO THIS. I just can't do it at work the day after I told you.

[chitown]

is it bad etiquite for me to be posting her replies?

 

Are her answers helping you help me?

[JadedStar]

Why do you think she came clean with you? Did she say she had to get it off her chest and that she was really tryign to stop and needed helP?

 

I think knowing how she shared this revelation with you and the motivation will give us a bit more insight.

 

as for posting her replies, i would not use your real names.

[chitown]

Good Question Jaded.

 

SHe broke up with me about a month ago out of the blue. She is in the process of trying to get me back. Since this is not the first time she has broken up with me I am reluctant to jump back in.

 

I started questioning her last night, and said, I feel like there is more to the story then you are telling me.

 

At that point she came clean.

[flower99]

Now she is getting upset.....

 

That is simply not true. I just told you yesterday. I'm going to see a therapist and I agreed to go to group sessions last night with you Jonathan. I just told you all of this yesterday. I can't change and act on all of it in less than 12 hours from when I told you. I'm not annoyed. I'm not upset. I'm not downplaying anything. All I'm asking is for a chance to prove that I can do this. I WANT TO DO THIS. I just can't do it at work the day after I told you.

 

personally i'd say to her.. she has her chance to prove herself. Just not to expect you to put your life on hold. If she needs support you are there, but she has to do this for her.

Make that the end of the conversation. If she has so much time to email you, she could have booked an appointment with a theripst....but if she needs more time...leave her alone to do that.

As for you, I'd just focus on yourself right now. what you want in life & for a future & if She is part of that.

 

I looked back at some of your other threads....hummm...It appears she doesn't treat you very well. And you admitted that she is very manipulative. if she can dump you 3 times...why can't you walk away from her?

[chitown]

Flower..

 

Good question. I guess I just feel that I have so much invested in this right now, that if there is a silver lining, all the storm i have gone through already might have been worth the wait.

[chitown]

This sounds sincere from her.....

 

 

 

I wasn't trying to sound annoyed in my emails. I wasn't trying to sound like I was downplaying anything. I don't want my words to be misconstrued. I also wasn't trying to make it sound like I didn't care if you were going to be around or not. I want nothing more than your love and support during this. I want nothing more than to mend the problems I've caused. I want nothing more than to be the person I know I can be. I just didn't want it to sound like I was doing this only for you. I am doing this for you, but most importantly I am doing it for myself.

 

I want and need your support during this. You are the only person in my life that pushes me to be better. You are someone I look up to and someone I admire. I am ready to separate myself from people that aren't good influences. I am ready to make the move to work through the things that are negative in my life.

 

I just admitted all of this to you late last night. You can't expect that I will have the answers the next day...that just isn't fair.

 

I will:

1. go to a therapist

2. go to group sessions

3. go to couples therapy

4. separate myself from negative people and things

 

These are things that are necessary for me to get over this. I know that and I am ready to make the necessary steps to improve my life. I really hope that you will give me a chance to show you (and myself) that I can get past this.

 

I will never downplay how this has effected you. You know my family and how it has effected me, so I would be a hypocrite to not see how it has and will effect you. It is important that you know that.

 

I wish you would allow me to say all of this to your face, because it isn't fair that strangers are analyzing all the emails I'm writing. I'm not defending my problem. I'm not annoyed. I'm not upset. I'm not saying that I don't want to do whatever it takes to get better......and I'm sorry if any of my emails have portrayed anything other than my complete willingness to do whatever it takes to win back my life, to win back my respect, to win back my identity, to win back my control, and to win back your trust. whatever it takes....

 

With love,

[JadedStar]

Good Question Jaded.

 

SHe broke up with me about a month ago out of the blue. She is in the process of trying to get me back. Since this is not the first time she has broken up with me I am reluctant to jump back in.

 

I started questioning her last night, and said, I feel like there is more to the story then you are telling me.

 

At that point she came clean.

 

As I suspected she came clean when pushed into a corner. Not really of her own volition in an attempt to want to become sober.

I dont know man, if it were me my tolerance levels for drugs are so low I'd have to leave. And throw in the having cheated on me too? Whoa. If i had finally learned to trust her again after that then this new revelation would have me buckling.

 

Bottomline is and i am going to be painfully truthful - even users who WANT to quit a great deal backslide a lot. Since her motivation seems pretty flat and not all that high this naturally means her potential to keep slipping backwards will also be higher.

 

Unfortuntately I have more experience with users than I wish I did have. I have seen them clean up and relapse - over and over again. I have seen wives, and husbands hope that things change and then live in a spiral of deciet and pain. My ex's family were on coke, crank, pills, you name it...I watched these people say just waht your girl is saying HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THEM! I am not a LOSER like THOSE people....

 

Yet they slipped further and further into the abyss every year that they got older.

 

LIke I said if i can help it I will never deal with people on drugs ever again in my life. They are the most crafty people I have ever met when it comes to slipping out of situations

[TheSmilingTurnip]

That email doesn't really take responsibility. She is just trying to admit enough to keep you from dumping her.

 

She doesn't own up to what the addiction does TO her and to the people round her -- ie turning her into a liar and criminal, which is a huge risk. She tries to make it sound like it's no big deal, but cocaine and narcotic painkillers are a huge deal.

 

I don't know about cocaine, but withdrawal from narcotic painkillers is no joke. I had a friend with a pill addiction to Oxycontin and Percocet and his nerves became so sensitive without the stuff that he was in so much pain during withdrawal that he had to be 50% under during the withdrawals.

[JadedStar]

Yes, phreckles is right. We haven't even addressed the w/drawals yet. Coke is powerfully addictive but I am not sure if the physical w/drawal is as strong as the painkillers. Coming off of painkillers is VERY rough and shoudl not be done without a gradual tapering off.

 

She really needs to be in detox or at least talking to a doctor about HOW to stop. If her goal is cold turkey she is liekly wasting her time. I don't care if she has only been dabbling in this - if she is habitually taking painkillers I bet she has developed a tolerance and addiction.

[chitown]

Is this your response to the email posed at 3:30 by me? Or an earlier?

[chitown]

Just her nonchalance about it gives me hope that it is not as bad as it seems? Is this foolish? Do I have to treat this like it COULD be as bad as it can get? Meaning, using every day in a bathroom stall? Or should I somewhat take her word for it?

[flower99]

Flower..

 

Good question. I guess I just feel that I have so much invested in this right now, that if there is a silver lining, all the storm i have gone through already might have been worth the wait.

 

I will say that recent email is much better than the rest & she does sounds sincere....just becareful. keep your eyes wide open. And actions speak louder than words. And do remember in life we look for the silver lining. Excellent thought pattern

But in relationships it's not best to look at the silver lining (otherwise women being abused would never leave) we must look at what it is- not what is was, or what it could be- but what it is.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Just her nonchalance about it gives me hope that it is not as bad as it seems? Is this foolish? Do I have to treat this like it COULD be as bad as it can get? Meaning, using every day in a bathroom stall? Or should I somewhat take her word for it?

 

no, you don't take her word for anything. Addicts lie. That is the one universally known thing about addicts. They lie. They are expert manipulators. You are being manipulated.

 

Yes, it will get worse. That is a guarantee. Think about it...how did it start? Is she using more now than when she started? Without treatment, she has nothing but a killing, progressive disease.

[flower99]

Just her nonchalance about it gives me hope that it is not as bad as it seems? Is this foolish? Do I have to treat this like it COULD be as bad as it can get? Meaning, using every day in a bathroom stall? Or should I somewhat take her word for it?

 

I'd be extremly weary on taking her word for it. How honest of a person is she to begin with-before adding the addiction to it? she has been lying to you for 2 years already. I'd take her words with a grain of salt. But you have to do what's right for you.

 

her nonchalances gives you hope,(which isn't a bad thing as long as you aren't blinded) But also should worry you because chances are she has no idea what she is in for. quitting is incredibly hard, that's why she hasn't done it. cravings are hard, withdrawl is harder, relapsing is the worst....it's a long hard road ahead of her.

[JadedStar]

Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and addicts lie a LOT.

 

Given that she also cheated in the past...

 

Well I wish i could give you a better prognosis but the likliehood that she will tell some lies is high.

 

If you share this with her certainly she is going to say no way. But cheating is the biggest form of lying and betrayal out there and she has already proven she is capable of that.

 

Users learn to lie because they almost have to so that they can protect their habit. Lying is a very sad byproduct of being a user.

[postergirl]

i feel really bad that you're parading your girlfriend's (whom you supposedly still care for) private emails to you, verbatim, for everyone (total strangers to her *and* to you too) to see. she sure has a problem, but i believe the heaviness you seem to be feeling about her situation is in reality just a reflection of the state your relationship is in. maybe you just refuse to squarely face this relationship, and instead, are deflecting attention away from it by pushing her smack in front of the oncoming headlights. she has a problem, that's for sure. but that doesn't make it right or fair that she should be relentlessly crucified this way. i don't excuse her, but i feel for her and this is why i'm unable to refrain from speaking up this way, sorry. i would've preferred emailing you privately but your profile doesn't have your email address, sorry again.