Risque move but I think it can work. What do you think?

[InLoveWithAlex]

Hi, I am the girl who is with a guy who has trust issue, whos depressive, suicidal, insecure et affraid of commitment.

 

Today was bad because he told me to not talk to him ever again, turned his phone off, deleted his facebook, myspace, left school, joined the army.

 

Thing is, I see what he is doing, destroying everything.

Facebook is the only way he has to talk with his friends, his guy friends. And I am the only girl he likes, talk to.

 

We never met, even tho he invited me at his house 10 times in the last year, he always got cold feet.

 

Tonight his best friend contacted me by email, and told me Alex needed help and that I was the only one who could help him.

 

He keep fighting with his dad so family is out of the question.

 

Last night he lost his patience at me because i told him i would go see a movie and that I would work on something for him later. It was due for Sunday morning, and me going out with 2 friends wasnt that bad. I would still have time to work on it and get it done in time.

He snapped at me, told me it was over, that he didnt like how i was doing things. Deleted me from msn.

I waited, gave him the space he needed.

 

Today he logged my account (to help me get an item he know i really want) in a game we both play, I let him play, thinking how sweet he was..

and i see he added me back on msn, so i leave him a message, "tell me when you are out ill log back and play"

he logout and tell me "*** yourself.

I go into the game, play a lil, 30 mins later, i receive a email saying someone changed things in my account, so I change the pass, and i email him (cause he is offline) saying "hey something weird happen, ill give you the pass when you are back if you want

he reply with "dont talk to me ever again, i told you to leave me alone.. etc etc, read it accept it, understand it"

 

And then the whole I delete everything and I destroy everything.

 

So now, I decided that I will sleep about 5h and drive to his house.

it's 6h drive, but i dont care, he needs me? ill go!

Am i doing the right thing?

[Momene]

As I see it the whole thing was LDR. I've learned the hard way that if he is suicidal, depressive, etc the only person who can help him is him, possibly with professional guidance.

 

If you jump in a car and drive 6hrs, he might not see you or even be there. However depressed he is, he must learn to take responsibility for his own actions and if he's dumped you, you owe him nothing.

[InLoveWithAlex]

Yeah LDR.. like i said he did mentioned many times how he wanted to meet me but got scared and didnt.. he is the kind of guy that will day dream about having a relationship with me, want it, but when its time to actually do it he will back off..

 

I know that only him can help himself, I know that.. but i feel like its the kick in the ... that he needs..

 

Other solution might be that i call his dad and tell him about it, or his other best friend, but that best friend, i never talked to him before.

 

(Best friend who told me that is someone he never met, his internet body) his other best friend is RL.

 

But i know that if i do talk to his RL best friend, is he ever learn i did it.. he will cut off his life forever, and for good..

[arwen]

I wouldn't go to him right now. He seems to be shutting down completely- he needs to be in counselling. Can you contact someone that can reach him, like neighbours or siblings? Sometimes the person closest is also the person who gets shut out the most. I hope he will contact you soon.

 

It's hard here to distinguish between what he would have done 'normally' and what he did because of his depression. All you know is that he broke up with you now, and I think it's best to keep that in mind now. He didn't ask you for help- he even explicitly asked you not to contact you. thereforeeee, I think that IF you want to help (I understand, I'd be worried too!), it's best to contact someone near him, like a parent or even a neighbour.

 

Arwen

[Papillion]

my head is saying dont go see him, leave him be, give him space, try to get someone who knows him in real life to help etc. This is the logical answer.

 

but if you wanna know what i would do if it was me in your shoes right now - yeah, i'd get in the car and drive drive drive.

 

something would be niggling away in my mind. Reading what you've posted, something doesnt 100% add up, and my curiosity would get the better of me. I would drive and see them. Then, if they knew i was there after a 6 hour drive and refused to see me, i would text them and say "you have ten minutes to agree to see me, after which i am deleting your number and driving back home and you will never ever hear from me again".

[InLoveWithAlex]

Papillon, its exactly what Im thinking..

Like i said, his best friend and his dad are the two person I can contact.

But he fights constantly with his dad. All the time. I do know that family is important for him.

 

I have also his email passwords, that's pretty much how I know he is alive.

I never looked any of these before, but tonight I knew he wasnt going well and i looked to know what else he deleted and erased.

Not because I do not trust him, because I am extremely scared right now.

[Papillion]

go see him honey.

[InLoveWithAlex]

That's the thing too, I know he is in depression.. but how far.. and what he go tru right now.. him closing everything.. shutting himself from the rest of the world..

I mean, im not a depression expert but.. its bad right?

 

Before he would talk to me, or always come back if something happened..

now, he does come back but, for 1 day.. and then.. same thing.. "leave alone" and push me away..

I fear the day he wont come back..

[Papillion]

Yeah, its bad hon. I'm no expert either, but i was in a relationship for 3 years with someone who suffered terribly with depression.

 

I think you should go see him. What do you have to lose? He needs someone now, and it may as well be you if there's nobody locally who can help.

 

He may thank you for this one day.

[Momene]

I'd still advise contacting someone local first.

[InLoveWithAlex]

i'm so nervous..

if i type too much here tell me and i will stop..

 

i wish i had a PHD in psychology right now to really understand.

I read on wiki but i prefer staying here and talking with you guys.

I really love him, and care for him,

i told him many times, everytimes i would tell him, it would make him feel better..

Wish things werent that bad and i could call him and tell him but, he doesnt wanna hear from me

[evaporate]

go to see him. I think it shows a lot of love that you are willing to do this, in light of everything that has gone on. He is lucky to have someone like you looking out for him.

[Batya33]

This is a complete stranger for safety purposes - at most it's an e-mail buddy and you two have built this fantasy of a romantic relationship - (and his behavior and role in this fantasy is not surprising given his mental condition) - and you are not a doctor or a therapist. If you are truly concerned for his safety, call a suicide hotline for help in how to proceed so that they can perhaps find someone in his area who can call him - or call the police if you think it is that type of situation.

 

Please don't focus on the "but I love him" as justification to go to a depressed stranger's home - if you have loving feelings for him use those to help in productive ways without all the unnecessary drama of you showing up there.

[Momene]

^^^^

 

What she said!

[InLoveWithAlex]

I didnt go, I waited today..

He added me back on his msn but I haven't seen him online. Only on AIM and I was invisible so he didnt know I was here. I thereforeee was "busy" on msn.

 

He reactivated his facebook.

 

After he told me not to talk to him, ever.

I didnt.

 

Tonight he send me a hate mail,

He tell me not to talk to him, but talk to me.. what does he want?

[Batya33]

Instead of worrying so much about how he feels about you why not focus on what you can do for him - did you call the suicide hotline to help find him help/resources where he lives? I thought your point was to try and help him because he is suicidal - this "does he like me" isn't really important given this situation, right?

[InLoveWithAlex]

i know Batya33.. i found his dad email at work, i will write tomorrow..

 

just trying to find out what he wants.. why he tell me dont talk to me and then send me a hate mail..

[Batya33]

Because he is unwell. Avoid making this all about you. You know enough information to know he is unwell. Good for you for e-mailing his father!

[InLoveWithAlex]

This post is not about me, its about what I can do for him. Because actions needs to be taken fast for him.

It has nothing to do with me.

 

I just wants to know, with the help of people who been with similar situations,

if he want my help or not, with what happened last night and today.

That's all.

 

Because the whole "leave me alone email" and the next night.. another email from me.

Is it his way to ask for help? I dont know. That's why im here.

[Batya33]

In the beginning of this thread sounded like your focus was more on the drama of going there personally - please see mine and Momene's post above. I realize you say it's not about you but your behavior that you described gave the other impression. You already know he needs some sort of help and maybe serious help.

 

As I wrote calling his father is a step in helping him - the whole drama of running there given his desire not to see you didn't sound like it was about him as much as it was about your musings on whether he wanted you. This last post about whether he still needs help - his reluctance to speak to you probably has no connection to whether he needs help other than you can assume he is angry with you for some reason. Very good of you to continue to help him by contacting his dad.

 

Good luck.

[Momene]

I agree contacting his dad was the best choice. Well done.