She doesn't want to talk?

[Gin]

I've been seeing the same girl for three and a half years now. We've known each other nearly five years, and we have been good friends since day one. We have been living together for a few months. Most of our relationship before this was strained, it was a long distance relationship with only a handful of visits each year and most contact over the phone.

 

I love this girl. I love her deeply and truly, I have stuck with her through good and bad times and I want to always be there for her. She makes me smile, she makes me feel special and I'm always excited to talk to her after a day at work. I usually call her during my lunchbreaks. I look forward to calling her each day, and it's a little lonely when I can't.

 

Today I called her, talked about a few normal things, and halfway into the conversation I couldn't hear her for a moment, so I asked if she was there. She responded with "WHAT?!" in a very angry voice. I told her to nevermind and asked if she wanted me to go. She simply said "Yes." and then goodbye. I was extremely hurt. She called back about 15 minutes later and I asked why she felt I deserved to be yelled at and ordered to leave, and she told me that she was just in a bad mood and didn't want to hear about the "stressful things" I was talking about. I told her I didn't understand, I was talking about a sewing machine that she had been wanting and that I was going to help her to buy. She was silent for a very long time, until I told her how excited I always am to talk to her and how I looked forward to it today, and that I was in a good mood before we got on the phone. She told me that she wasn't excited and had rolled her eyes when she saw the phone ringing, then lamented about having to feel guility for not looking forward to talking to me.

 

The conversation ended when I told her that I wouldn't' call her anymore if that's what she wanted. Not at lunch, not to tell her I'm on my way home or that I'll be late, not for anything. She simply said "Okay."

 

I'm hurting a lot over this. I don't understand what I did wrong, I had really been very happy today and I'd had no ill intention in speaking with her. She doesn't care. She doesn't care that she's made me feel terrible, and she doesn't care that I won't call her anymore. It doesn't matter to her. I feel terrible now. I don't even want to talk to her when I get home today. I had to go right back into work into a one-on-one with my boss just as that horrible conversation had ended. I'll bet she doesn't care about that either. I don't know what to do.

[NewPhillyGuy]

She's verbally abusive to you. Does she do this alot?

[ghost69]

sounds like she has someone on the side or she met someone else. her loss bro. forget her. it's gonna hurt to let go, but you can't be with someone that can be so hot n cold with you.

[colors]

I wouldn't go so far as to say she was verbally abusive....but I am wondering if this out of character of her?

 

when she said that she rolled her eyes when you called...that makes me wonder if either you call to much? or she is getting bored of the relationship? OR she is just having an extremely terrible day & the interruption made it worse?

 

I don't think she doesn't care, but I'm thinking perhaps something occurred today that has her extremly sidetracked & distracted her which made her apethetic to your feelings & said things she didn't mean. Which is wrong of her, but I think we've all been there at some point. She should learn to control herself & moods though, cause that was extremly rude & hurtful....but do give her the benefit of the doubt.you'll definietly need to discuss this with her at some point, cause otherwise you will keep on hurting. ....unless this is in her character which I would say dump her, cause you deserve better.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I wouldn't go so far as to say she was verbally abusive....but I am wondering if this out of character of her?

 

when she said that she rolled her eyes when you called...that makes me wonder if either you call to much? or she is getting bored of the relationship? OR she is just having an extremely terrible day & the interruption made it worse?

 

None of these reasons justify her behavior, in my opinion.

[jettison]

Today I called her, talked about a few normal things, and halfway into the conversation I couldn't hear her for a moment, so I asked if she was there. She responded with "WHAT?!" in a very angry voice. I told her to nevermind and asked if she wanted me to go. She simply said "Yes." and then goodbye.

 

WRONG approach. The next time she's rude to you then stand up for yourself! The proper answer would have been something like:

 

"Ok, you want to fight chick? Have it. Give me your best shot Ms.Angry Hotshot."

 

When she hangs up on you because she's in utter shock that you'd actually stand up for yourself then don't sweat it. Just chill and wait for her to apologize. If she never does, or gets worse then don't give in.

 

Also, DO NOT respond with adoration when met with that kind of behavior. It doesn't help. You're teaching her that you don't matter at all in the relationship. She's cool? Great, you adore her. She's acting like a jerk? Great, you adore her. She hits you in the face? Great, you adore her. Provide consequences!! This is your burden, and you need to teach yourself to be up to this task.

 

In a relationship, imagine that your significant other is your pet canince. If the canine bites the mailman, do you respond with "good doggie"? Of course not. People are no different. We all test our boundries with every person we meet. Just because you love someone doesn't make them exempt from this rule.

 

If you can never do this, and never stand up for yourself then she will continue to disrespect you, and your relationship will meet an untimely end.

[colors]

None of these reasons justify her behavior, in my opinion.

 

Keep reading my post. Cause no where did i say it did justify it, I just said those made me wonder what is going on on her side to make her treat him this way, cause I find to help solve a problem you sometimes have to stop & take a look from the other side....I did not at any point say it was acceptable or justified. I did say it was wrong & that she should have control over her moods.....

 

Oh wait, I think you posted while I was adding & finishing my post..sorry.

 

^^ yes good point Jettison. Do stand up for yourself Gin, I know it's hard when you love the person so much. but you shouldn't let her snap at you & treat you so cruel....is this out of character for her????

[Gin]

This is out of character for her. It's not the first time, no. But she hasn't really responded -that- badly to my calling her since we were in a long distance relationship and phone convos were very frequent and often frustrating.

 

I think you're probably right...I think we do call too much. I guess not everyone calls up their significant other at every lunch break. But you're also right that her behavior was wrong. I would feel awful if I ever made her so upset over nothing, and I would probably apologize very quickly. I suppose I have to talk to her about it, but I'm still very angry and hurt. I don't know how to approach it.

 

Don't think I don't stand up for myself. There are pleanty of times where I've shot things back at her when we're both in bad moods. When I'm in a good mood, though, I don't want to fight.

 

And she would never cheat on me. She's a compulsive confesser, anyway. If she was seeing someone else she'd surely have guilted herself into telling me about it by now.

[jettison]

Keep reading my post. Cause no where did i say it did justify it, I just said those made me wonder what is going on on her side to make her treat him this way, cause I find to help solve a problem you sometimes have to stop & take a look from the other side....I did not at any point say it was acceptable or justified. I did say it was wrong & that she should have control over her moods.....

 

Oh wait, I think you posted while I was adding & finishing my post..sorry.

 

^^ yes good point Jettison. Do stand up for yourself Gin, I know it's hard when you love the person so much. but you shouldn't let her snap at you & treat you so cruel....is this out of character for her????

 

We have to put ourselves in her shoes as well. If I came home from work, was super grumpy, barked at my significant other for absolutely no reason whatsoever, then I would absolutely deserve to be thrown in the doghouse, and I'd expect to be sleeping on the couch that night.

 

If I get no response from her when I'm a jerk then I'm at the very least pretty dern suspicious. If I get, "I love you sweetie. I'm so happy you're home. Can I make you some tea?" In response to me being an absolute jerk then all I'll be able to think is "What the hell is wrong with you?! I treat you like utter garbage, and this is your response? What, are you some kind of robot or something?"

 

His response is insincere and untruthful, and she feels like she's being lied to. So would I. His response does not match the circumstance. When we're equals with someone, and they cross a line, we put them in their place. If we don't, we're telling the other person "I'm not your equal. Here is my neck. Here is the leash. I submit."

 

Most women do not respect submissive men. Don't be submissive. This is a HUGE difference between being a jerk and just standing up for yourself. I'm not saying that the OP is a bad guy. He's probably a great guy, but he's too sensitive too his GF, and this is a bad dynamic that creates problems.

 

This behavior puts her in an even worse mood then she'd otherwise be in. Sometimes, people pick fights because they want a fight. You're not giving it to her in order to avoid confrontation. Don't always do that. Once in awhile? Sure. Otherwise, give the lady what she wants. A fight. And if she doesn't like it? Too bad. Maybe she'll learn to curb her behavior so she doesn't act like a jerk to you anymore.

[colors]

oh Jettison my post wasn't directed to you.

I fully agreed with you on your post..I wasn't questioning it at all. I guess I should have put my ^^ at the top of my post there so you knew that (:

[colors]

I suppose I have to talk to her about it, but I'm still very angry and hurt. I don't know how to approach it.

 

Don't think I don't stand up for myself. There are pleanty of times where I've shot things back at her when we're both in bad moods. When I'm in a good mood, though, I don't want to fight.

 

yeah I hear you, you don't want to wreck you're good mood...looks like she beat you to it.

 

Personally I would approach her with "the way you treated me today was totally unacceptable, if you're pissed off for some reason talk to me about it don't snap my head of & disrespect me. I didn't & dont' deserve that & I don't ever want to be treated like that again."

ha ha ha...Yeah I don't know if that's you...but that's me & how i would respond.

[jettison]

oh Jettison my post wasn't directed to you.

I fully agreed with you on your post..I wasn't questioning it at all. I guess I should have put my ^^ at the top of my post there so you knew that (

 

Haha. My post wasn't directed at you either. My pronoun usage was rather weak in my post. Sorry.