She called me after 8-9 months!!!

[NiceGuy76]

I am not sure what to think or do...I have been controlling myself and not calling her now that I have her number. She changed her number, you will probably read in some of my older posts, that I begged, pleaded, all that crap to the point she sent me an email telling me to leave her alone. She said some pretty nasty things..."I am an ugly person inside and out" "she hopes she never see's me again" etc.

 

I got a call from a weird number and I was at work. I called that number back around 10pm after I had got home. She answered and I did not really think it was her, but she said "YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO THIS IS"...then I knew but still acted like I had no idea. We talked for about an hour...I know that is probably not a good idea on my part. I am supposed to play it cool - act happy, busy, and not stay on the call for longer than 10 minutes. Oh well...

 

She has been texting me and actually called me again and we spoke yesterday for about 30 minutes. I do not know what to do...I thought she was married and having a kid...turns out that was all BS. I also learned she was in a relationship with her "dream man" and he ended up hitting her more than once during their 5-6 month relationship. THAT IS CRAZY! I told her nobody deserved that...

 

I was always hoping for karma, but I did not expect her life to of turned out like that and with someone like that. I did tell her that I was hoping I never heard from her again, because that meant everything in her life was going well and she was happy...I also knew that if I did someday hear from her it would be something that I didn't want to know and that also meant she wasn't happy. Was that confusing? lol I have had a little bit to drink tonight.

 

Would I like to try and get back with her? Well, I do not know for sure, but I do LOVE her a lot. There was not a single day that went by in that 8-9 months that she didn't cross my mind in some way. What is the best thing to do here? Should I not contact her and let her contact me? She has been out of that relationship for about a month...from what she said.

 

The thing is that I know if I allow it, she might hurt me again, I just want to know what she wants. Would that be so bad to ask? My friends are telling me to stay away...but I am interested...she is the only one that I would go back to and try to work things out. The only one!!! I just do not want to mess this up...she needs space, healing, and I think she should come to me. Would it be a good idea to act busy when she contacts me? Say, "hey it was nice talking to you but I have to go...kinda busy"...any tips would be sweet!! Thanks!

[CrapAtNC]

I would not make any moves towards her. Let her come to you herself. It's like training dogs (I love dogs, so it's not an insult, OK! be sure to ignore the behaviour you don't want - don't even give it the time of day - but give little rewards for desired behaviour.

 

So, remain slightly aloof right now, but keep rewarding any positive contact she makes. Smile when speaking on the phone (you will sound different), as that is a reward that they will repeat behaviour for. Tell her you like it when she calls. Be responsive to any suggestions to meet up.

 

But

 

I would hold back a little. Let her make most of the moves for now. Don't be too available. Don't reply right away all the time (sometimes is OK). Return calls a little later than you would normally feel comfortable with.

 

And forget the past. Treat this like a new relationship. That means accepting she's had lovers in the past, just as you have. Take it slow, and be sure not to throw all your affection and neediness at her once things seem to be going your way. Remember, it's your pulling back that is pulling her back. Just don't pull back so much any more.

 

God, that was great advice ... let's see if I can follow it myself.

[NiceGuy76]

Thanks! Are you in the same kind of position? She mentioned something about going out for dinner "maybe" this evening...and I have not heard from her. She was going out with some friends earlier today...and i have tried not to think about what she is doing.

 

I am trying so hard not to call her or text her right now. It is not easy to control it, just have to keep busy.

[Up and Down]

I don't think you can forget the past at this point. You need to evaluate what drove you to break up in the first place..Are these issues still there? If they are then you are pronlonging the inevitable? Can you get past the hurt of the break-up? You really need to go through her negative qualities and decide if you are OK with them. Hopefully she is doing the same thing and not just putting you on a pedastal( I am sure you are a wonderful person) However post break-up people tend to idolize, whether right or wrong. In any case you have a lot of thinking to do, either way I wish you the best of luck, regardles of out come.

[Censored]

Hi Niceguy76,

 

i really think that you should listen to your friends on this one.

 

Where was the contact when she was with the other man?

 

 

Nowhere, that's where.

 

Where were the nice emails?

 

Oh, that's right, there weren't any, just malicious nasty ones near the end.

 

Where were the letters, phonecalls, coffees.....................

 

Oh that's right they weren't there.

 

Gee I wonder why.........Hmmmmmmmm let me think........Hrmmmmmmm

 

Because she is selfish, that's why. She needs you when she needs you and not a second before.

 

I know i probably sound harsh, but trust me man, she is calling and contacting you b/c things went pear shaped with this other dude, she didn't wake up one day in a decent relationship and think,,,,,,gee you know.....i really love Niceguy76, what the hell am i doing here.

 

No, she rang you because she is feeling sorry for herself, and she knows you'll be a patsy to support her and get her back on her feet (emtionally)

 

You are seriously setting yourself up to get hurt here, in a big way too. The second time around is ALWAYS worse than the first. Trust me on this.

 

this woman cares for herself, not you.........relook at the past 9 months, and show me the care, the thoughts, the feelings..........

 

I'm sorry man, I am only saying this because i have been there, and I too, still to some degree think that "I am in love" with my ex (after 6 years).

 

Move on and recover, it sounds to me that all you have done this past nine months is hold your breath.

 

Cut her out forever, she is not a friend.

 

Sorry man. it's tough.

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks! Are you in the same kind of position? She mentioned something about going out for dinner "maybe" this evening...and I have not heard from her. She was going out with some friends earlier today...and i have tried not to think about what she is doing.

 

I am trying so hard not to call her or text her right now. It is not easy to control it, just have to keep busy.

 

Don't call or text. Let her come to you. It's really important that she tells herself to come to you rather than you convince her.

 

You're doing great. You're valuable. You're desired. Be like Fonzie!

[Snoopy24]

I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like the only reason she is calling you is to get your affection to ease the pain of her breakup.

 

How a person ends a relationship, shows a lot about their true character. If she was mean and nasty at the end when she knew you were hurting shows what type of person she is.

 

She is contacting you for her own selfish reasons. I would stop talking to her and continue moving on.

[NiceGuy76]

I looked back at some of the emails I sent as well...I was a pain in the @ss...and I could see why she moved and changed her number to get away from it.

 

I broke her heart before I realised my feelings, then tried to get her back and it was too late. What she did to me was unspeakable...but with my begging and pathetic bahavior I guess it was too much for her to handle at the time.

 

She is contacting me because she wants to see how I am doing...that could be it...the only reason. She might not want or have any intentions of developing anything with me again, and I am trying to look at that and be careful.

 

If I do things right then maybe something postive will happen...if not...then I will either get hurt again or things will eventually just stop and I will not hear from her again.

[kevinm]

Geezz, talk about over-analysing things.... what do you want to marry this woman? Go out with her! Don't listen to your friends. Tell her exactly what you've said here. Tell her how you felt when she hurt you, how you felt when you wrote your "begging" notes. Tell her about how you feel about everything that has gone on/ is going on. It's okay to be uncertain, and tell her that too! Tell her you're scared she might hurt you again, and that you don't want to be a rebound guy or whatever it is you're feeling. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. Whatever you do, don't play childish games with plots and sub-plots about how to string someone along or how to keep your advantage. Your strength will be your brutal honesty. If you play games, you are inviting her to play games.

[TMinCali]

I hate to say it, but you're getting very bad advice.

 

She obviously left you for a reason. You're not a victim here.

 

If you want to work things out, don't play games with her. If she left you because you were unappreciative and took her for granted, act aloof and I guarantee you'll never have a successful reconciliation.

 

Just be natural and be confident. You guys were broken up for a long time. Did you expect her to not date anyone else?? And if she was dating someone else, did you expect her to keep contact with you? If so, that's crazy. She had every right to move on just as you did.

 

Again, you are not a victim and she most likely had her reasons for leaving you.

 

If you want her back or want her back in your life in some capacity, don't play games with her, but instead, be someone that truly loves her as you say you do.

 

For those that think he should act "aloof" and wait for her to come crawling back to him, is this currenlty working in your relationships?

 

She's contacting him again. Who cares why. She's contacting him. If anything, it's an opportunity to build on a friendship and possibly (if it's what both parties want), work on building something more.

 

NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!!! Sheesh

[CrapAtNC]

For those that think he should act "aloof" and wait for her to come crawling back to him, is this currenlty working in your relationships?

 

Yes, it is. She is finally showing her true feelings.

 

By 'aloof', I mean acting confidently and not responding to her every demand and whim. She didn't value him before; if he goes running back and rolls on his back at the first sign of interest from her, it will be a natural reaction for her to think she can do what she wants and he will still always be there. That's what causes our exes to go off and explore other avenues in the first place; they know they can easily get us back, and that lessens the value of our relationship.

 

Read my post again. I'm suggesting he is nice to her, responsive. I'm not saying he is to ignore her or take a step back - just don't go rushing in, show his hand, and expose any neediness. Take things slowly. Let her work at it a little, or she will not value it and it will be doomed from the start.

 

It's fun and exciting for them to work a little harder, to experience the thrill of the chase, and to love the feeling that they deserve what they have worked hard for rather than having everything handed to them on a plate.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like the only reason she is calling you is to get your affection to ease the pain of her breakup.

 

How a person ends a relationship, shows a lot about their true character. If she was mean and nasty at the end when she knew you were hurting shows what type of person she is.

 

She is contacting you for her own selfish reasons. I would stop talking to her and continue moving on.

 

 

This is a smart girl right hear so listen. I can't get over what she said to you, insulting when your already down. That's pretty cold hearted and she revealed her shallowness to you right there. Be very careful. I'm not going to tell you to stay away because the truth is you have to do what you have to do. Just don't ignore the overwhelming negatives for a few positives.

[itsallgrand]

The thing is that I know if I allow it, she might hurt me again, I just want to know what she wants. Would that be so bad to ask?

 

The next time she calls, you should ask. Ask her what she wants.

 

Don't call her, dude. Keep calm as much as you can.

 

You may love her, but a bunch of time has passed and experience has been had and you two haven't even caught up. There has been zero time yet for even seeing if she worthy of your trust a second time around or not.

 

Ask her. Then end the call. Really, I'm not kidding.

 

If she loves you and all this is meant to work out, there is no rush. Not the time for impulsiveness!

[emalkoc]

Agree with TM...If someone contacts you, dont be stubborn but careful.

 

Work on building...

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm with the consensus that you should look into this more closely if indeed reconcile is what you were hoping for.

 

I think it takes a lot of guts to call someone after all that 8-9 months later. I'm sure it wasn't an easy move for her to make.

 

Don't be super available but don't ignore her.

[NiceGuy76]

"I think it takes a lot of guts to call someone after all that 8-9 months later. I'm sure it wasn't an easy move for her to make."

 

Your right, I know it was not easy for her to do so...and I know that. It is so HARD to control myself from contacting her because I would so much like to just hold her in my arms after all this time. Waiting is the hardest part and trying to keep busy and not contact her is not easy since she broke NC after 9 months. She told me she does not want anything from me, just wanted to see how I am doing. What the hell does that mean? After nine months...and vanishing out of my life she all of a sudden one day decides to contact me? I am confused...

 

Maybe she wants to reconcile, but she is going to have to earn it and work for it after my heart was torn out of my chest. Anyways...I just try and focus on work and my life, like she never contacted me. It has been a couple days now and I SO want to call her...but I guess I should wait until she initiates contact....right?

[NiceGuy76]

After work tonight I called the ex up and she was pretty tired about to pass out, but then asked "hey would you want to come over and help me with laundry and watch a movie"? So I went over to her place...

 

We sat on the couch and I gave her a foot rub (she asked and I used to give her foot rubs all the time). While watching the movie she fell asleep and I finished up her laundry and the movie. lol

 

The laundry was done, so she woke up and we hung her clothes and had some small talk, nothing special. She mentioned that contacting me after 9 months was not an easy thing to do and I agreed with her. She jokingly said you are not going to stalk me now are you? lol I told her I had reasons in my madness back when I was trying to get a hold of her back when we broke up, then mentioned it is the past and we do not need to get into the past. The past is the past. She agreed and said we don't need to get into that...

 

I thanked her for coming back into my life in whatever way, shape or form takes place from it. We hugged and I asked her if I could give her a little kiss on the cheek...she said it would not be a good idea...so I gave her dog a kiss on the cheek and said "there dog, your momma passed this up". Then she said "ok...kiss me here" and pointed to her cheek...and I kissed it gently.

 

She wants to stay in touch and I winked at her and left her place.

 

So my question to the women...or men that have been in this postion...

 

Do you think we have a shot of reconciling? Do you think she still has feelings for me? Any responses would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks!

[CrapAtNC]

I think you do have a chance. She's guarding her heart right now, which is understandable. And that stalking comment would definitely lead me to advise that you allow her to make the very next move.

[NiceGuy76]

Thanks! So, should I wait for her to call? I tild her tonight that I did not feel right calling her and that she can contact me the next time...she said she doesn't mind me calling her. I have been good and IN CONTROL...since she contacted me last week out of the blue. I think that is why she felt comfortable enough to invite me over tonight. I have grown over the nine months and I am sure she has too. This is just so weird...never expected it...I wrote her off for good...

 

I know she needs space and time...but I do not want to hang out with her and have those feelings resurface...only to be hurt again myself. I also know that I should not be putting any pressure on her emotionally right now...so I am not digging into feelings. Just playing casual...its just so damn good seeing her and having her in my life again.

 

Everyone always told me...right when you forget or decide to move on...they appear in your life again. I never expected to see her again...it still feels like a dream right now...I wake up in the mornings and wonder if this is all a dream.

[CrapAtNC]

I think you need to decide if you want friendship or lovership (I made that word up). You like being around her, as I do my ex, but do you think you can handle being just friends? Often it amounts to an all-or-nothing ultiamatum.

 

You need to decide, because if you head down the friendship path now, it may not be the way you want to be heading, and could cause problems later.

 

Good luck, though - I'm rooting for ya!

[NiceGuy76]

We have hung out two times, once getting food, and the other time she invited me over.

 

Yesterday, she tried calling me and texted me, I replied back that I had company and she replies "Ooh, you have a girl over there?" I called her about 2 hours later...she again mentions me having a girl over. Then said, she had someone over at her place the night before too. I told her I did not really want to talk about it...

 

I have reached out and tried to hang out with her, but so far, it is only when she wants to, not when I want to. What should I do? Like last night, we were supposed to do something and she sends me a text saying she is busy. I do not want to play games...what is her point of this?

 

Today...I did something that I should not have done...I sent a text. "will there be a chance of us reconciling? It is too hard to be your friend, you are my dreamgirl, always were, and will always be." Was that a mistake? Should I just go into NC for a while? Any tips would be GREAT!

[CatsMeeoow]

Whats done is done...

 

I know you feel nervous because you put yourself out there... it's hard waiting.

 

Hang in there - you can't take it back now.