3 Weeks of NC......where to now?

[bummedout4]

Some of you may be aware of my situation but if not....My ex broke up with me almost 8 weeks ago, first called it a break and then told me 4 weeks later she was seeing someone else. So i have been 3 weeks NC with her birthday coming up this week. She really hurt me, lied to me about seeing this guy at first, and really didn't take my feelings into consideration , especially after over 4 years of being really close and being together. The last time we spoke on the phone she told me about this guy and she is seeing him. The last time we had any contact was by text , which i replied to her after she called me but i didnt answer.

 

The basic topic of the text convo was that she still cared, was confused, didnt know if she was making a mistake and didn't want ME to erase her from my life. WEll , she is the one that is acting like she wants to lose me and well she is. She still wanted to talk as friends and i told her i couldn't right now b/c i still am in love with her and want more. So I have a feeling I let her off too easy, not making it really clear how much she has hurt me and that you don't do that to people you supposedly care about. I also feel that she is waiting for me to be ready to talk to her has "friends" and may be a reason she hasn't contacted me in these 3 weeks. I really wanted to meet her in person before going NC and make it clear how i felt and what she has done, and if she even realizes that.

 

So I ask all of you, should i break NC to say happy birthday to her? I do not hate her, but i am deeply hurt about what she did and how she did it. I feel like she should have been more honest and considerate of my feelings, especially with our long history and close bond we had. I still love her, even through all this pain and agony i have been through. I am trying to move on, but some days i just miss her so much and want her back and to make things better. I know it has been said that NC should get YOU back, and I am on my way, but then i also read that LC is the way to go , when you are ready, to try and keep a closeness to show that you have grown and allows for possibility of reconciliation in the future.

 

I don't really want to lose, throw away a 4 year relationship with her becasue I really do care for her as a person and love her for who she is. Right now she is not being herself and doing things that are totally out of character for her. Maybe she needs to do this for herself, i dont know, but in the end i don't want to stay NC and if she is too stubborn to contact and i am too stubborn to contact, we may never talk or think of each other again. This new guy she has was there and probably fills a void, I don't know if she really cares for him or sees him in her future, or what she sees for me in her future. She claims she is not looking to the future and living for now.

 

So i end this with the question, am i doing the right thing? I don't want to lose her and feel that I am. I know we aren't together and i accept that now. I just don't want us to become strangers and do something that ruins any shot we may have in the future. I know all of these things have been discussed and i have read many similar posts but i just needed to vent out what i was feeling and see what others thought. I appreciate any comments or advice. ThankS

[cabbytyreburna]

see, Im in the beginning stages of where you are at. I doubt my ex would ever contact me, since he says he loves this new girl a lot. And that he never wants a relationship with me. and has recently lied to me a lot.

 

One thing you have to think about is, since she lied to you, would you ever be able to really trust her again.

 

My ex was the perfect man 2 years ago when we started to date, and was until about 3 months ago, then he changed. Lied a lot. The more lies I find out the less I want him. I want who he was 2 years ago, not who he is now. Its hard, but i am trying.

 

Depending on the nature of the lies, and what it took to get the truth, I would for sure not get right back into a relationship. Make her prove she will never do that again.

 

You may have loved her deeply, but do you really want someone capable of lying, It may be just a phase, but make her prove it to you that she is not that type of a person.

 

Take some to decide if you would really be happy with her since she lied to you. If she is going through problems with this new guy, she could just be coming to you to get over him.

 

Depending on how things go, if you think you are up for it, you can be her friend. But don't start to get too attached until she is past all this and knows what she really wants.

[Dazla]

Well in my experience dont break NC, let HER do the breaking. Reading your story sounds similar to mine. We were in a 3 year amazingly loving relationship with very few fall outs and holidays and amazing days out..the works. But think about it. Who do you put first in a relationship???...Yea yourself, no matter how many years or marriage or kids the majority of this world puts thereselves first..Hence that thing called Divorce, also Child custody!!. If shes not feeling how she was no matter how much she still loves and cares for you she will screw you around to feel better for herself..Stay NC imo.

[dreamguy]

I wouldn't wish her a happy b-day if I were you. Doing that will only convey the message that how she treated you and what she did is fine by you.

 

As for telling her that she hurt you and that you don't do that to people you supposedly care about... it will fall on deaf ears right now and will only make you look miserable, thus not attractive, in her eyes. Trust me on this.

 

It's way too soon to contact her. You'll only get a wishy-washy reaction.

 

I know you don't want to lose her. But what's equally important is knowing if she wants to lose you. How do you know if she does ? For now you just take yourself out of the equation.

 

She only broke up with you 2 months ago. The new guy cannot fill all the void you will leave behind you if you stay away from her. He cannot replace a history of 4 years. Believe that.

He cannot yet provide her with the emotional support she can obtain from you. That's why she doesn't want you to erase her from your life.

[bummedout4]

thanks for the responses,

 

dreamguy,

 

Does not hearing from me for a period of time and her being with the new guy make her forget about me any faster? and get more attached to her new relationship? I understand I need to work on myself and i have been trying to do that, re-establishing friends that i didn't hang out with much while i was with her. I also am learning a lot about what was wrong with the relationship and what would have to be done to make things better.

 

Now i know right now she is with him and not with me and as much as it sucks and makes me feel like i wasn't good enough, i have come to accept that. I want to believe that she still has love for me and misses me at times. I don't want to give her the emotional support and help him out but i also don't want to keep her out of my life forever.

 

What it really comes down to is that she said she wanted time to herself, to be happy and to concentrate on school and find what she really wanted. The fact that she jumped into this relationship so fast is what boggles my mind. How can someone be confused and unsure about everything yet be with someone so quickly after a 4 year relationship w/someone they claim to have loved. I know things may have got boring in our relationship and a break was probably a good idea but when it turned into her being with someone else, it toally caught me off guard and messed me up. I have alwasy trusted her but now i feel like i can't b/c she lied to me about him.

 

I know i have to move on with my life and not think about her coming back or realizing that she really does love me. I want to have faith in the bond we had but at this point i don't know if i am just seeing an illusion of what i thougth we had. I know how i feel, and she knows i want her. I guess its up to her eventually to make the decision thats best for her. In a way I am glad this happened now b/c it can give me the opportunity to meet new people but I know i want to be with her and love her. I feel she's the "one" for me, well if she turns out to be the person i fell in love with. If this change in her is permanent, then i don't know , i guess she has to find her way on her own. If that way leads her back to me, then i'll see where I am at.

 

I still have a long way to go before i feel comortable just being her friend and not hoping that she will come back to me. I know i am not healed but am trying my best and the onlly reason i am even at this point is becasue of all the advice and help from everyone on this board. Thanks to you all.

[dreamguy]

You say you don't want to keep her out of your life forever. What about only having her in your life as a friend, nothing more ? Can you live with that and watch her be happy with someone else if she is one day and tells you about it ?

 

I had the same fears and doubts you have now. I worried that if I stayed out of sight I would be quickly forgotten. One day, after reading a lot of posts on this topic, I understood that sometimes being in the picture can hurt your chances more than being absent.

My take on this:

 

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to get what you want.

 

If you feel you still need a lot of time before getting comfortable being her friend then NC is an absolute must for you ! You need to get your balance back before you can attract her again. By being in touch now you are exposing yourself to making mistakes that would ultimately make her decision final and lose ALL her attraction for you.

[Langeveldt]

Im in exactly the same situation.. somehow three years gets wiped out and there is a new guy in our bed.. Hmm.. I can feel myself getting better as a person, living for me, and I know she can see that as well, as she's been telling her friends how much I've changed..

 

But at the moment we've just got to slog it out.. It won't be pretty, but we've got to keep our heads above the water, act with dignity, become that attractive guy that they fell in love with, without living our lives in the hope that this will bring them back.. To be honest though, I just hope the new guy is bringing his A game to the table

 

One thing I know is that I'm very uncomfortable with just being her friend though.. The kind of person who gets a hug at the end of a few hours in front of the TV listening about her day at work.. It's like going to see my granny sometimes!

[bummedout4]

thanks for the responses, NC is what i need right now. I hope to get to the point where i can be moved on with my life and if she comes back around, i will have that power back.