New guy here, same problem

[TexasDad]

Hello all,

I am here because I have a common problem, my wife has told me she is done. One night about 4 weeks ago I sent our kids off to my moms to take my wife out on a date, everything seemed fine and then during drinks before dinner my wife went off saying how I was an a-hole 80% of the time (which is saying a lot because our schedules have us where we are only together on weekends and we only see each other for a few minutes during the week when we exchange the children at my work parking lot) and that we do not see the children in the same way, she said that I get energy from them and they just drag her down, she also said that she only had children because I wanted them. She says she is miserable and has been for some time.

 

I work second shift 4pm-1am M-F she works 7:30am-3:30pm so we don’t have to use daycare, our kids are our daughter who is 6 and our son who is 2. I have always been the one to take care of the kids, she has no patience, and anyone who has seen our family together knows I am the one who takes care of the kids. My wife has the kids for approximately 4 hours a day, she feeds them dinner, bathes them irregularly and puts them to bed. I am not saying she is a bad mother or doesn’t love her kids because that wouldn’t be true. She wants to take the kids away from the only house they know and take them away from me and I don’t know why. She has made comments the entire time we have had kids about how she can’t handle it and she never wanted kids, but she wants custody of them. It is breaking my heart. She cannot afford to stay in the house alone, I can, if she took them they would have to go to daycare, if I were to get custody their grandmother would come over to the house while I was at work and feed them dinner bathe them and put them to bed, my father even told me he and his wife would move from Arizona to help. My mother and father are divorced and both retired.

 

My wife constantly goes on about how she need time to herself, she said the first day of counseling to the therapist that she wanted to only be responsible for herself (she has since quit saying that it has changed to for her and her children) she says she needs freedom, the entire 8 years we have been married she has always traveled by herself a few time a year and goes out with girlfriends she has been more free than any married woman I have ever seen. But yet she wants to take the children and move to an apartment with them.

 

There is no abuse or income trouble or infidelity (at least that I know of) it is just the fact that she is not happy and is not willing to work on it, we are in counseling because she wants us to be friends and good parents to our children, she has no interest in reconciling. I am already a good parent she is the one who needs work by her own admission. She has been married twice before once at 18 and then in her 20’s she up and left both of those marriages without a word. All of our troubles came as a surprise to me and a lot of people close to our family as it always seemed we were happy and I was. I guess I was oblivious to my wife suffering since she has always gotten everything she wanted.

 

She told me she wants out, wants a divorce, but I asked her today when she was filing and she said she has no money to do so (although she is running off to Chicago to see a concert next month at a cost of about $500 total) I am seeing an attorney on Wednesday but my paralegal friend says it is going to be tough for me to get custody although money is no option for me when it comes to trying to get custody as my father has vowed to help me and he is well off.

 

Anyway I’ll leave off here for now so this doesn’t get to long, but I am glad I found this site if for nothing more than venting to people who have the same problems sort of…

[Firehawk13]

Dude this is bull * * * *. I am truly sorry that you are involved with such an awful person. If you put most of what you have written here into proper legal terms and present it to the court, they will have a difficult time awarding custody to your wife, regardless of what your "paralegal friend" says. You have the financial means to support them, and it is clear that you are the parent who has demonstrated the ability to care for the children. I seriously doubt any court would need more than that. I'd expect that your wife will play the old card of crying to try and justify her "need" for your children.

 

It will really boil down to how you present your case.

* You are the one that does the majority of caring for the children.

* You are the one that can financially support yourself and the children.

* You are the one that wanted the children, and she has explicitly stated she did not want children.

* She has said she can't handle dealing with the children.

* She would not be able to care for them as well as you would were she awarded custody.

* She has said she needs time to herself, and trying to raise children would most certainly impair this.

* She is unwilling reconcile, and has been twice divorced.

 

You have an ironclad case if you stress these points, and she continuously contradicts herself in saying she wants the children, yet cannot support them, has demonstrated a lack of commitment to them, an inability to care for them, has said herself she did not want children, and has said she wants more time to herself.

 

There is no way in hell you can lose with your case, it's simply a matter of having the above points translated into proper legal terms for a custody case.

 

You'll win, and I have no doubts about this.

 

Should you lose the case, you would be well within your rights to make a second case against the verdict on grounds of sexism, but that's just me.

[leo_s84]

Wow..that was pretty impressive

[TexasDad]

It's funny (not really) John because I have been reading some of your post and you are so dead on, she has always had a problem communicating with me, and I am not saying I am the best at it but she puts up those walls that you refer to, and now we have not spoken face to face since 4 weeks ago when she went off on our "date"

 

She has recently in the last 6 months started taking anti-depressive prescribe by a general MD here is an excerpt from an email from her 5 days after her public blow up and she just shutdown immediately after she was done.

 

i highly doubt the small little dosage i take makes that much of a difference in anything other than my immediate reactions. my PMS is worse now because i'm not on a daily dose of hormones from my birth control, but that doesn't explain every other day of my life. my daily feeling of inadequacy, that i'm a terrible mother because i yell too much or don't show enough love to *EDIT* or that i want to run away and leave everything behind because i can't take it anymore. i know i can't do that because i love them even though they cause me such internal grief.

[surfjon]

Big Tex........

 

Yeah, John B is pretty on in relating to the Walkaway Wives Club, sorry to say, I'm also a member.

 

Hang in here and read, post, read, post. You'll get some insight and some companionship. Therapy helped me in dealing with the stuff she throws at me, but it still is hard.

[Tigger67]

TexasDad

I will also give a solemn welcome to the club. As I have come to find, this is unfortunately not such a little group!

As John has said, any attempt at solving/communicating/getting answers/or fixing this, will not be productive. You may want to get to the bottom of it all and want to talk to her about it, but it will be like speaking a foreign language to her!

You may want to read our other thread 'Relationship with X', if you haven't already. A few more posts that are along the same lines.

I will re-post something that I wrote in one of my previous posts. What you really need to focus on right now are:

1. Your kids

2. You

3. Everything else

4. Her

 

Hang in there. Believe it or not, things can get better.

[scornandtorn]

Texas

I would also like to welcome you to the club, as I am also a walkway wife survivor. This is a good place to let out your thoughts and feelings since trying to negotiate the wall will get you no where.

 

As you are already learning, the behavior they exhibit is less than rational. Don't let it get the best of you. Let her blame and complain all she wants. As it was with my x wife, I am sure she is struggling inside with guilt and pain. It is not your fault. Be there for your kids and let her see it how she wants to see it. You can't change her mindset if she is too far gone.

 

Let us know how things unfold.

[TexasDad]

I am very nervous about my meeting with the attorney tomorrow, we went to the M/C today for the 3rd time, but last week the counsler put the wrong time on the appointment card so my wife showed up with like 15 minutes left in the session.

 

I talked alone to the M/C and she seems to think my wife is a nut too...lol

 

But there is a pattern with her as we discussed, see my wife is from a divorced family and her parents split when she was in 6th grade and she was allowed to move back and forth between her parents houses setting up the get mad and leave responses she has now. I am her 3rd marraige and she walked out of the 1st without a word and also the second the same way, poor fellow came home and she had left with the television...she has the pattern of leaving and I am afraid if she gets custody of the kids it will happen to them, as it will break their hearts to be taken from their daddy only to have mommy 2 years later decide she cannot take it anymore and send them back to daddy, when they could stay with daddy and visit mommy as much as they like because daddy will never leave them...

 

 

It is amazing that there are so many people going through the same thing...

 

Walkaway wives...says it all right there, if only they would just walk away things would be easier...

[Tigger67]

My X had a hysterectomy 5 months before she bolted. I, admittedly, know very little about any of this and the whole hormonal imbalance stuff. I had never really thought about it all that much as being another 'factor' in all of this. Would it be possible?

[TexasDad]

Overwhelmed is a word she used in the beginning, and I am sure she is given our schedules, there have been times I have had to leave work and go home to "rescue" her from the children because she was overwhelmed...

 

All this is fine but her refusal to put any energy into fixing our marraige and focusing her energy into ending it coupled with the fact that she has bolted before...just does not make sense to me, she is starting to shift the blame onto me I have noticed though instead of her being overwhelmed and such...

[scornandtorn]

My x wife also had to have a hysterectomy at the beginning of our marriage. Thus we never had children. She was prescribed hormone medication and stopped taking it several years ago. Do I think that was her free pass out of responsibility for her actions? NO! Did I stay right by her side through all her pain and treatment, YES. Nuf said about that.

[surfjon]

I have a suspicion that hormones are playing a role in my wifes behavior. She is turning 40 this year and I believe that shes showing some pre-menopausal symptoms and it's affecting her. I remember when her mom went thru it, as I've been on the scene a LONG time now, and it wasn't good. I feel like it's really playing a role here. i even asked her to see if her Dr. could help her.

[TexasDad]

Saw my attorney on Wed. he said I really need to get on a normal shift here at work, so I talked to my boss, told him what was going on and he said consider it done, this was great news.

 

We went for our 4th session with the M/C today we were to present our ideal custody arrangement of course my wife half assed it and just came up with her plan for when she leaves and takes the kids not really a custody arrangement.

 

I read mine it was very well thought out. I am trying to get "primary" custody of my 6 year old daughter and 2 year old son I present her with the 1st, 3rd,and 5th weekends starting on thursdays she says she wants more. The M/C says well how about Wednesdays also I say OK. I also stated we would have joint custody and make decisions concerning the kids life together. and that she would be welcome anytime during the week to come pick them up and do whatever as long as they were home in time for a bath and bed. The M/C says to my wife well how is that? my wife semi agrees then the M/C says well why don’t you see an attorney and get this all in writing as this is our major impasse. Well next thing you know my wife is now talking about assets, things she claimed she didn’t want before now she wants. I don’t care I am in it for the kids.

 

So we leave and I have a slight good feeling but this is her weekend with the kids and she is going to her mom’s and the last time she went there it had appeared prior to her going that we were in a better place, but when she came back it was back to the way it was, so I thought well we will just see what Monday brings. Low and behold by the time I got to work she had already back pedaled in an email to me.

 

we misunderstood each other and i didn't realize it until i was driving home.

 

i didn't mean i would take them wednesday thru sunday on my weekend. i meant we share each week. but since then i've comeup with a better idea. 50/50 means 50/50.

 

i'll agree to give you primary custody if you agree to true 50/50. meaning we each get them sunday thru saturday and we alternate weeks.

 

your way and my original way is too disruptive and confusing. this way we switch weeks and there's no confusion on who has what day. it's totally even and fair. you think about it and let me know.

 

I told her:

If this is how you feel then I want to suggest that we speak with a child psychologist as to how this will negatively affect the children, you need to see past this attitude of well it seems like he is winning and think of the children. Disruptive and confusing for who? The kids would benefit from a stable home, the home they already know, you would be welcome to see them anytime. Going back and forth will just create discipline problems and possibly emotional and academic problems for them. Please put your hatred of me aside and think about the kids and how we can have a good relationship after the divorce, and both be in a financially sound place instead of being in debt from court and having to file bankruptcy and having the house repossessed by the mortgage company because of trying to sell in the market conditions. What I am asking for is very little in the grand scheme of things, please reconsider.

 

Then things got ugly (all in emails mind you) I just can’t take it, I mean I really can’t take it. My friends some of them mutual female friends say I am strong enough to see this through and for the most part I am a roll with the punches kind of guy, but this flip flopping is eating away at my very soul.

 

The M/C asked her today what was wrong with my proposal and she started talking about “well it just feels like he is winning” and “then I will be answering to HIM just like always”

 

The kids and I are the losers no matter what; we were a family we did not ask, no demand a divorce without even trying to fix anything. Why does she perceive herself as the victim?

 

Is it ok that I am in my head wishing for a plane to crash with her being on it? It would be so much easier to explain to the kids “yes mommy loved you a lot but she is in heaven now”

 

ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[surfjon]

Tex,

I sympathize with you on the kids and scheduling thing. My wife moved about 30 minutes away from me, same county but a good drive all the same.

My daughter starts school at 7:15 and I run 5 survey crews and get in about 6:30-6:45 to get them out at 7:00 so it's hard to arrange having them on any school nights.

 

We currently agreed (not-written) to alternate weekends and they would be with her during the weeks. It's not alot of time with them I know. I think I'm going to ask her if I can have them maybe the Weds and Thurs nites before my weekends and ask the owner of the company here if it's ok that those 2 days if I come in at 8:00. My daughter gets off school at 2:30 but gets a ride to my wifes townhouse with a schoolmate and my boy walks home, I could pick them up when I get off work and they would spend the night with me.

 

I'd like her to experience a bit more of what it's like to be alone for days at a time without your kids around. She's only got 2 nights every 2 weeks where she's alone. I want her to see how it feels.

 

It was sad, me and my son were joking around about what we like to make to eat and he said "you know what I like, is when we eat together and live together", his eyes so pleaded with me for the answer he wanted, the answer I couldn't give him.

 

Part of me wanted to tell him that that decision was made by his mom, that if it was up to me, we would be together, all of us back in our house.

 

After he said it there was an uncomfortable silence, my daughter was in my truck too and all I could say was that sometimes people have to be apart for a while and that they had nothing to do with why we're not together right now, and that they couldn't fix things and that most importantly that they are loved by us both and that their mom and I were friends and would not say anything negative about each other, and would work together to make sure they had nice lives and homes to live in.

 

After I dropped them off I felt really sad and cried for the first time in weeks, not about losing her, but for how they just want things back how they knew them before, and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

It really hurts when your kids are in pain and you can't "fix" it.

 

For several years, from when she was about 10-13 or so, my daughter suffered from "Trichatillomania", a strange Obsessive/Compulsive behavior similar to cutting/self-mutilitaion and body dysmorphic dysfunction.

 

She pulled nearly all her hair out, people thought she had cancer, she pulled al her beautiful blonde hair out. I couldn't stand it, I had to take her pictures down off my office walls, it would kill me to see them and we couldn't "fix" it. We spent thousands on therapy, hypnosis, counselors, accupuncture, reiki, I became a real "arm chair specialist" on this strange condition that mainly affects creative, intelligent girls and women. It's heartbreaking to witness this slow-torture and be helpless to stop it. We blamed ourselves, we got angry, we pleaded, we tried everything.........She stopped pulling on her own the summer before 9th grade. It took a while for it to grow in, but she started 9th grade mostly fully grown back in, she's a beautiful teenage girl with friends and boys chasing her and now in 10th grade.

 

Why didn't we, or why cant we now, put the same determination, drive and time into saving our marriage?? Why can't she see that and try??

 

It's just so sad on so many different facets.

[TexasDad]

So, she now claims that she would give me primary custody but we would have the kids 1 week her 1 week me, I keep the house, she wants nothing from me financially as in child support or half my assets. Of course this changes depending on what kind of day she is having, but if I could get her to sign it, I am thinking I couldn't get a better deal and that I would eventually end up with more than 50/50 because of her being who she is...

[Tigger67]

Surfjon--

Again I can't help but think that we may have been 'cloned' at some point in time! I just find so many similarities between our situations after reading your posts, that it kinda spooks me out!

My X and I have agreed on a very workable 'time-share', which I have also worked out with my very flexible and understanding work manager. I have my girls every Wed after school and Thursday. I don't need to start work until 9:00 on Thurs and Fri so I can see them off to school, and then I am done work at 3:00 so that I am home in time to meet them at the door when they are done with school. I then alternate weekends with the X. For example, this week the girls will be at their mother's place today until Wed after school, and then I will have them from then until Sunday afternoon. Rinse and repeat. I do notice that I tend to get rather anxious and crabby come Sunday, as I know I won't see them again for a bit and get quite comfortable with having the company here.

 

I, too, struggled (still do) with what to say to the kids, especially my 7 year old who asks all the questions, when she asks 'why?', and 'do you still love mom?' or 'do you miss mom?' and the killer one 'you broke your promise to mom". I also just want to implicate my X in all of this, but I know that it is not fair to her or the kids, and why cause any more friction and grief than there already is? That is all it would do and the ones that really suffer for it are the kids. I have just said 'people grow apart and sometimes need their space to figure things out'. It's about all you can do. They don't need to hear all the other stuff, especially if the mother IS loving and involved in their lives. There are of course other circumstances, such as yours John (I have read your book, and I imagine your boys basically figured out on their own the reasons to why your X left). Telling your dog or posting on here is the best route to go for placing 'blame', but telling the kids (even though they deserve to hear it. There will be time for that) will not do anything except cause more aggro!

 

Again, interesting you mention your daughter and the rallying you and your X did to help her. My eldest daughter has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and we have spent 12 years getting her help, going to appointments, etc. etc. Even as I type, I am waiting for a call from my X because the daughter has gone 'missing'. She did not attend her last hour class at school, and we do not know where she is at. Most likely has found a ride to where her boyfriend lives (hour and a half away. Wouldn't be the first time). But, as in your case, it all leaves me wondering. Everything that we have done/tried/gone through with my daughter has been ,in my eyes, ten times more stressful and involved than any of our marital problems. Why wasn't the same care, time, and involvement that was put towards 'fixing' my daughter, put into our marital problems? Another case for Unsolved Mysteries I guess.

 

And yes, you are right. It is very sad.

[surfjon]

I love when they're here. We hung out today, got some movies for tonite, made some pasta an garlic bread together and made some cookies.

 

Tomorrow is pancake day!! They like that.

 

More and more though, they express their not liking their moms increasing controlling behavior, I think that since she's lost her ability to control me as well, her frustration manifests itself other places.

 

She and I actually are meeting each other tomorrow for the first time by ourselves. We are meeting for coffee before she comes and gets them.

 

When I got them from her yesterday, I was outside of my truck and feeling pretty cool. She walked up with them and looked sad to see me. Sad in the way that she maybe misses me, she had tears and trying to hold them back best she could. I hugged her and kissed her cheek, I had to. We were married so long and were so close it was simply instinct to want to comfort her. She put her hand on my face and meant it, I could feel that.

 

When she walked away, I could tell she was crying and I would've been as well had I not needed to be composed for my kids.

 

I texted her later that I'd like to get to see her when she comes tomorrow to get them. She texted me back yes.

 

I really just want to be able to look at her for a while,it's been so long and I took down all her pictures and I do still find her so incredibly lovely and sssoooo miss seeing her face, her gorgeous body. I know I'll not have her that way again, but want to see her again any way she'll let me. I have no false hopes, I know it's done but I need to come to terms with being able to see her without caving. This is my first exposure tomorrow, wish me luck.

 

I should take some Kahlua to sneak into my coffee when I meet her

[Tigger67]

Surfjon, I think maybe you should take a bit of coffee to put in your kahlua!

Okay, so once again I feel that we are living parralell (sp?) lives! I had a phone conversation with my X last night. It started off about the whereabouts of my eldest daughter the previous day (nothing major of course, but you never know) And it turned into her asking why exactly I was so irritated with her last week. I drew a blank on this because there have been quite a few things that I have been irritated at her for in the past while,but the one in question I couldn't place. I then asked her why my 'being mad' at her was the only thing she cared knowing about me. She denied this and we got into it a bit more and then I finally said 'You know what, I just don't think there is anything more for us to really talk about.' We left it at that and said good-bye. I then did remember why it was that I was irritated with her and decided to call her back to let her know.(It was basically that I felt she was questioning a decision I had made to allow my daughter to stay home from school one afternoon last week because she wasn't feeling well) She said that she was not doing that and then we got into how we both misinterpreted and assumed we knew the others thoughts and words. I then asked her if she was 'happy' now. There was a long pause and then she said 'In some ways and with some things I am--but not happy about everything". She then asked me about my 'nothing to talk about anymore' comment, to which I said "Well, I finally got the hint--you don't want to talk about us or why we divorced or anything like that, so I don't feel the need to even think about that anymore". She then said "It's really strange how at this time you've decided not to talk about things, when I was just thinking about starting TO talk about things and feel that I am able to do that now".

So, we did actually talk more about our marriage, and us, and how we both felt about ourselves now, etc. etc., and then talked for about 50 minutes more on just chit-chat, family and work. Ended it with saying 'have a good night' and that we would talk more soon.

So, I am now back to that 'wondering' stage. Also wonder if she said she wanted to talk now as a knee-jerk reaction to me saying that I DIDN'T want to anymore! Can't know. It did sound genuine to me, but I am still a bit hesitant and still don't know what it is EXACTLY that she wishes to talk about. She did mention in her conversation that she now knows that I am not at full blame for our divorce and that she did contribute to many things and the way we communicated and responded to each other. Big step for her!

Anyway, I am not holding my breath--just taking a couple of short, quick gasps.

 

Good luck to you surfjon, I think if I were you, I'd just skip the coffee altogether! Kahlua looks a lot like coffee and if you just add a bit of cream, you're good to go and nobody would be the wiser!

[TexasDad]

John,

I think you should write a book...oh wait you did...

 

The lies have started just like you said they would, today she told some people that I threatened her...

 

She has also switched all the blame to me, it is all my fault, she has never been happy the entire 8 years.

 

She has become someone else that I don't know. I filed for divorce today, it was so hard as deep down inside I did not want to, but I know she will or is in the process of doing it herself. It just seemd so wrong, but I know we will never be husband and wife again, too much damage has been done by both of us.

[surfjon]

Tig,

It must feel good for you to hear her admit it wasn't your fault, I mean, you knew that already!! But for her to say it gives you some validation you may have needed. My wife has conceded that we both played a role but seems to feel her role was necessary and in direct reaction to my actions and ways, yet she never wanted to work on things and would store things up and then explode at some odd time and we'd have an ugly go round and then things would be ok for a while and then build back up.

 

I could feel these episodes eroding our relationship like water over a rock, slowly but inevitably. Finally we had our own little "Grand Canyon" going on with me on one side and her way over yonder.

 

Big Tex!!

You both played a role in some way or another, these things are never one-sided. The last couple years she had sort of "brainwashed" me into thinking I'm a colossal farkup and to blame for the problems we were having. By the time she left I believed I was 100% to blame and I literally would lie on my terazzo floor in despair over what I perceived as having done, I mean I was accepting that it was ALL my fault, I really felt like checking out for real. The only reason I didn't at that point was my kids.Period.

 

After those first two or so weeks of shock, as I began therapy and sorting things out with my therapist, she got me to realize I couldn't shoulder all the blame, that my wife played a role too.

 

Don't fall into that trap of accepting all the blame, it can be devastating and it's just not true.

 

jon

[TexasDad]

Well she was served today ,of course she didn't say anything about it, anyway that would require talking and she hasn't done that for over a month. I gotta say I am really starting to feel depressed about this whole thing. I mean you partner yourself with someone for what you think will be life and then they want to call it quits...I am suffering lots of emotional turmoil sometimes I wonder if I will be able to go on, or will I even want to have another relationship you know the fear factor.

 

I never thought I would end up here, never...

 

I still feel physically sick, I am down to 178lbs at 6'3" I usually hover around 200+lbs. The sad thing is this is all just beginning, attorneys are now involved.

 

I saw today when we exchanged the kids at my work that she had boxes in the van. I have to work this weekend and it is supposed to be my weekend with the kids but she is flying to chicago to go party and my mom is taking my daughter to my sisters house till Sunday and my son will be at my soon to be ex inlaws until I pick him up Sunday.

 

Despair is what I am feeling. There are things I need that I can no longer get and it makes me sad.

 

I know that this was not all my fault, but that doesn't comfort me in the least.

 

Such a roller coaster...some one stop the ride I want to get off...

[surfjon]

Tex,

Like you, I lost weight. I dropped about 15 pounds the first 2 weeks. I just didn't want to eat, I felt like I didn't deserve to eat. It's a dangerous punishment we subject ourselves to. I needed to drop some weight, I went from 185 to 170 without trying........but it was an unhealthy way to do it.

 

I still don't eat right, only out of necessity usually. It's rare that I plan a meal or eating with one of my few remaining friends.

 

The only time I really plan a meal is when my kids are here. I'm not much of a cook, my wife was a gourmet cook and for 20 years her wonderful food filled my life, she constantly baked, cooked, created......and now that she's gone, it's just another thing I long for.

 

I could probably get by with a microwave and one pot. She was such a wonderful cook and loved to make great things, I hate even going in my kitchen, it seems so dead.

[TexasDad]

I had a horrible day today...lots of self doubt...sad to say I had a dream about her and in the dream we weren't back together but we were talking and trying...I almost thought it was real

 

I had a friend tell me the other day she said "I hope you're planning the future you want now. I also hope you know it can

be what you want."

 

If only that were true...

[AutumnBorn]

It is true, Texas. You seem to be a caring, warm, compassionate father. You can have it all. This is just a transition to your future.

 

Obviously, I don't know you, but I can read the intelligence and warmth and compassion in your posts. You appear to be a wonderful father for your children - stable and caring. They must feel very safe with you. I hope that you and your wife are able to work out a schedule that is to the benefit of your children.