my ex-bf started dating another woman....

[sadangry]

First, sorry about the long post....

 

My ex and I were together for a little over two years, and two months ago, he decided to break up with me saying that he needs some space. He also told me that he wants to try dating other women. He is 24, but I was his first girlfriend. Our relationship was pretty serious, and at one point, we were even talking about getting married in the future. However, he started having doubts since we, like most couples, had our share of arguments. I didn't think that these arguments were that serious, but obviously, he thought otherwise. Now, he wants to date other women to see if there are other women more compatible with him than I.

 

But even after we broke up, we were talking regularly. It was like we were still sort of together. Anyway, this past weekend, he was visiting his old female friend whom he liked five years ago but rejected him then, she asked him out, and they decided to try dating. She lives 7 hours away, and before he left, he assured me that she was just a friend. Since he is not the kind of person who would lie, I don't think he was lying to me. I still can't believe that he decided to jump into the long distance relationship so quickly....He used to tell me that he does not like the idea of long distance relatonships.... (By the way, I live about an hour away from him.)

 

When he broke the news to me, he told me that he was afraid that he would end up alone, because he senses that things might not work out between him and the new woman, and he is sure that I wouldn't take him back after what he has done to me. He says he wants to stay friends with me, because I am "the nicest person" he's ever met. He also tells me that he cares for me and still loves me, and that he doesn't feel for her the way he has felt for me. But he has to try dating, because, without any experience being with other women, he doesn't know if I am really the right person for him considering how he and I are very different people.

 

Needless to say, I am very hurt by his decision--especially after he swore to me that she is just a friend. I don't want to be his back-up plan. I mean, what am I supposed to do if I wait around and things end up working out between them? At the same time, though, I do want him back, so I said that we can stay friends--I want to keep channels open just in case. But it makes me sick to think of them together, and hurts me that he is being intimate with someone else.... How can he see me as a friend all the sudden and develop an interest in some other girl? Do you think there is any hope if I wait around? I know I should move on, but I have dated a lot, and I know that what I had with this guy is very special.... Am I clinging on to a false hope?

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey sad&angry! I'm Happy First up, I'd like to welcome you to enotalone on behalf of everyone. I'm sure u've taken a nice step towards finding support and advice from many people of various ages from around the world which will be around for a while.

 

In a way, I do understand your situation, more from his side though. My gf and I too are very very, actually, totally different people and till this day, like everyone other couple don't understand how we got together.

 

I'm assuming that because of these arguments, and I'd think that you've had a argument recently before he suddenly decided to take a break from things that it's affecting him and your relationship with him. I probably does love you, and it will take a while to loose what he has for you even if he decides to do that. I think it's obvious what he wants now but if you'd like to change his mind, open up more, tell him how you feel about you 2's and him.

 

He's reached a state that he's having doubts about your relationship and is kinda giving up in trying (like they say, warriors can only fight for a certain amount of time), he's probably slightly confused and doesn't know exactly what he wants right now and a fear has arisen from all of that. What do some people do when they're afriad? they run...

 

I don't know wether if he still wants to truly be with you or not but it's not fair making you feel like a backup plan. If I were you, I'd tell him that once he goes, you might not be there when he comes back. It feels like he's going to see if he can be with another person, and when that doesn't work you can be his 2nd choice and that's just not on.

 

If he's still going to do what he wants to (which sounds like he is). Then maybe you should forget about him, if you got back with him maybe, just maybe one day he'll pull a stunt like that again and it'll just depend on if your forgiving or not to see how it'll be delt with.

 

definitely, try to forget him, you're not totally in his heart no more...

 

That's just my view on things.

Happy Heb

[Celadon]

Sorry to hear you're going through this rough time.

 

Your ex is clearly in unsettled territory, and who knows how long he'll be there. He wants to feel he's gotten experience in life. He wants to know that he when he settles down, she's the best one for him. Only problem is, he doesn't know what "best" means at this point.

 

So where does that leave you? Well, since he's not promising anything to you, you need to take care of yourself. I would advise NOT clinging to the hope that he'll be back. He may come back or he may not (I hope for your sake he does), but when he does it'll be when he's ready. So you need to live your life in the meantime. It's unfair to you to put your life on hold while he goes around doing whatever he wants to.

 

Keep your contact with him at a friendly but not intimate level. Don't let him talk to you about his friend/girlfriend, or his confusion. Since you had a good relationship before, you can talk about the stuff you have in common, but don't invest yourself in him. He's made a decision that you have to live with. IN fact, you'd probably heal better if you didn't have too much contact with him for awhile.

 

AS for moving on, don't feel like you have go out and date someone just because he probably is. Hang out with friends, do the things you like to do but couldn't while he was around, and just chill out. Getting over a breakup sucks, but you'll get through it.

[sadangry]

Thank you so much for replying, Happy and K8tie!

 

I basically know that I need to move on, but it is hard to let go what we had.... But then again, I cannot be in the relationship by myself, so I guess I have to move on....

 

Happy, I think you are right that he gave up on the relationship and that he knows what he wants for now---unfortunately for me, for now, he wants to try dating other women.... Actually I have told him that I want him to take me back, but he said that he can't do that now....

 

K8tie, you are absolutely right that I shouldn't talk about his new relationship with him. I don't think he will talk to me about it willingly since he is a very private person. Actually, I think I would be more inclined to talk about it. I must admit that I am very interested in how it will turn out since at this point, as pathetic as this might sound, I am still hoping to replace her. I am hoping that this new relationship of his would not work out, and I hate myself for wishing this.... I feel so evil......

 

I guess once I completely move on, I won't care about his new relationship anymore. But I am afraid that at that point, I might not care for him at all. We were never really "just friends," and I am not sure that the friendship deal that we have right now would last. Besides, I haven't kept in touch with any of my exes in the past. It would be really sad if the same thing happens with him....

[Gilgamesh]

I agree with k8tie.

 

He is off discovering himself now, he may or may not be the same person when he is done, but he wants to keep you in standby just in case he doesnt find anything better. not a mature thing to do, but he isnt that mature to begin with.

 

I feel really bad for you, and understand what your going through, but you must not waist your time worrying whether he will return or not or who he goes out with , and although you can stay in contact, I would advice that you limit your contacts to a minimum, and take this time to heal, and take care of yourself, and eventually start dating again.

 

I know you believe that he is the one and only, and that there could never be anyone that can make you that happy again, but guess what? yes there is. and very likely better.

 

Think about what your missing right now, what is it exactly, is it the memories? thats the past, or is it the potential of what could have been? that hasnt happened except in your mind.

 

I think you should take this time to also explore and learn of life, you may very well discover that what you think you need and want now, is not what youll want later. people grow, some drift apart, some come closer because they realize that they had what they always wanted.

[kimg]

A was with a guy who left me and decided to move in with another girl. His finances were bad and he wanted me to move in with him. I didnt, so he decided to move on with another woman. Well during that time he called me alot and kind of played with my emotions. He would always call me and block his number out. The last time he called I just hung up in his face because I was simply tired of him holding onto me being that he moved on. He didnt call for a month. All of a sudden he called and this time didnt block out his number. What does this mean? I always had his number and he didnt know it. I called once during a weak moment and hung up when he answered. (i know that was childish) i havent called it again. Why didnt he block his number out this time? Why is he calling after a month? Should I call back? I dont want to disrespect the girl he is living with. Honestly I am healing and am nervous to talk to him. HELP!

[Gilgamesh]

KimG

 

Why would you want to even talk to him? why does it make you nervous to call someone that doesnt deserve that you give him the time of day.

 

what does it take for you to stop wanting this man? dumping you, sleeping with another woman, and playing games with you doesnt seem to be enough reason for you to move on. your definatly not in love with what he is, but with what you wish he were.

 

so you gonna accept him no matter what? dont waste your time with this guy.