So we're on a "break".....now what?

[bummedout4]

Hi Everyone, I have a situation that is probably common but would like to hear some advice and other opinions. Well first some background, I am 22 and so is my exgf. We have been together for a little over 4 years and spent a lot of time together, pretty much did everything together. She is in her last semester of college and stressing out with all her classes and graduation.

 

So basically like i said we have done everything together and recently, past few months maybe, i think she has been unhappy with where we are in the relationship. I think she was getting bored and I think we were just so comfortable with each other , there was nothing fresh and new or exciting going on. So i noticed a difference since her friend came down from college, a free-spirited party girl. My ex is not like that, but i think she heard how much fun her friend was having that she felt like she was missing out. I think this with all the stress she is under, she stresses out easily and worries a lot about school , contributed to her being unhappy with her life in general. So 4 weeks ago she told me she needed a break, to concentrate on school and to see what she really wants. She was confused about her life, us and everything else going on. She said she still loved me and cared about me and that she didn't want to lose me in her life, but she needs to do this to clear her head and figure out what she wants. She also said she wanted to stay in touch and talk and possibly hang out or do something in the future. The first 2 weeks after it happened, I was a mess, emotionally and physically. It hit me hard and i thought i was losing the love of my life forever. We have met twice face to face and i got all my feelings out and so did she. So I accept that she needs some time, and I can deal with that knowing that we are still talking and have the possibility of getting back together in the near future. We have been best friends for 4 yrs and know everything about one another and i know that doesn't just go away.

 

Ok, so here is what really bothers me more than her wanting time to herself. It seems that she has been haning out with people from work, people i don't know and in particular a certain guy. She talks to him on the phone, they hang out, usually in a big group though but she has assured me they are just friends and she is not looking for a relationship. She also told this to her mom, who i talked to yesterday. So yes my jealousy has gotten the best of me and made me assume the worse. We talked last week and i asked her if she was doing this b/c she wanted to be with someone else instead of me and she said no, they are just friends and she is just having fun hanging out with him and those other people. I guess if she was really into someone else , she wouldn't bother talking to me anymore, and we still talk almost every day. So overall i think she is seeing whats out there and if she has been missing anything, with the singles scene. Her mom thinks that she will burn out soon b/c this is not really her personality and she is trying to be someone she is not. She has already gotten sick twice in 4 weeks , probably due to lack of sleep, stress at school and doing things she is not use to doing.

 

So...my main question is am i doing the right thing by talking to her, helping her with her school stuff, b/c i am the only one that can help her, and not going NC. I know people will say NC is the way to do but i tried that for a week and she didn't call me b/c she thought i was over it and didnt want to talk to her. So i told her this isn't the case and she said she still does want to talk to me, b/c she cares about me. She just says she needs time and then we can talk again and re-evaluate where we are at. I am guessing sometime next month. So should i stay on this course? I know i shouldn't wait around like a lost puppy, and i am tryin to go out with friends and do stuff to keep my mind occupied. so any opinions? i dont want to lose her and i love her to death , i want to be with her forever and i want to show her i have used this time to really look back and realize what i can do better and we can do better in the relationship. So i am not givin up on her, she knows what i want, so basically all i can do is give her the time she wants and then see where we are at? and then go from there?

[hopeless66]

I am going thru the same thing bud... As of right now... You guys are over...I don't mean to sound harsh, but she is just keeping you on a string..She is probebly casually dating the other guy, to see what else is out there... But keeping you at an arms length in case things don't work out...

 

I personally don't think you should talk to her, for now, at all....She wants to see if she's missing out on anything, but being able to talk to you all the time doesn't make her miss you at all....Why would she come back to you if you never left??? You have to move on for now, and give her space... Otherwise you are just gonna be her crutch until she is fully over you...The that leaves you screwed up... If she loves you and wants to be with you she will come back to you...

[bummedout4]

Thanks for your post, i know what you are saying about it being over for now. its just confusing the hell out of me b/c she says she just needs time but doesn't want cut all contact. I mean I know how she is, and if she doesn't want to deal with someone, she will cut them out of her life. So i am glad that she has not done this with me, she still wants to talk to me and eventually soon maybe hang out and do something. There is stil something between us and she knows it, I think there is just a part of her wanting to try to be different and try new things. So I am willing to give her this time, its already been a month, so maybe another month or so, and see where we are at then adn then talk about it. I am not waiting around for her and i am trying to go out and do other things to keep myself occupied. I don't want her to think i am siting at home all weekend waiting for her call. So basically I don't want to rush anything and push her to make a decision and i think telling her that i am not going to call her or for her not to call me until she knows what she wants will not help with anything. I have already gone through the hardest time , the first 2 weeks were really hard until i sat down and talked to her about everything. I am just tyring to play it cool , give her space and let her think about what she is missing. In the end i may get hurt even more, but i think its worth it b/c i really do love her and want a chance to show her how things will be better. WEll i know many people wont agree with me and think that i should go NC right away, but its definitely easier said than done. WEll thanks again

[hopeless66]

I would go NC, telling her would be a good Idea if it makes you feel better... Just tell her you need time for yourself, to be able to heal... Let her know not to call you until she knows what she wants...Say it nice, but don't back down from that...

[CreoUCLA]

I agree with hopeless66. I am going through a similar situation with my ex(?) gf of 5.5 years (I'm 28, she's 26). We've been on a break initiated by her (to "find" herself), but she's called me a couple times to say how much she "misses me." This happened most recently on Monday.

 

I got suckered into thinking/assuming things are getting better because we had a nice conversation, and just casually called her a couple days later. It started fine, but then we got to talking about the relationship and she ended up saying that we needed to "break up" because the break wasn't working. She said we were always talking to each other.

 

That's when I realized that NC was the best thing for me. She's confused (unsure about us, unsure about her life, not sure if she's happier with/without me, etc.), and I finally realized that I can't help her find whatever it is she's looking for. I just ended the conversation saying, "I really hope you find what you're looking for. If you ever do, you know how to contact me... Bye."

 

It's very difficult, but I'm learning to accept, forgive, let go, and move on... For starters, go read every thread by SuperDave71. I wish I had listened to his advice much sooner.

 

-Mike-

[Zorba]

On a break=Breakup. Simple as. You and anyone else in this situation is being strung along as a safety net, should "finding herself" not work out. Word to the wise "finding herself" usually translates as finding someone else or a succession of someone elses. They've essentially lost that "spark" for you. Spark=attraction enough to sleep with you. Or they have found or think they'll find that "spark" with someone else.

 

Like I wrote in another thread, it's largely down to the novelty and physical attraction wearing off when they think of you. They still may love you, but in a more longterm emotional way. Maturity teaches us that this happens to a greater or lesser extent in any longterm relationship, to be replaced by that intimacy that is better than the novelty of the new and unexplored.

 

As I also wrote, if you think it's not based on the physical? Look at it this way, when someone(especially women) split up with you they usually ask to remain friends, they almost never ask not to be friends but let's keep having sex, do they? See what I mean?

 

Where you are now is in the comfort zone for them. They get the best of both worlds, the spark with others and the comfort from you. Let them live life without that comfort and see where it takes them. The longer you remain "there for them" the more likely they'll get it on long term with another. As someone else pointed out in another thread, the longer the ex stays around as a comfort, the more likely the rebound stops being a rebound. Don't be a helping hand to someone who made the decision to walk out on you and then expects you to hold their hand until someone else takes over that job.

[bummedout4]

I understand what you are all saying, and it sounds great. Just actually doing it is difficult for me. We are very close and know everything about one another, and i know the type of person she is. She is very stressed right now with all her classes and the threat of not graduating in December. I have been through this and helped her in the past. I don't want to turn my back on her now when she needs help with anything and make her think that i am not there for her. She is going through a stressful time, and i know she over-stresses and worries. At the end of the day she knows that i truly care about her and love her more than anyone out there. She says that once she is able to clear her head and have time to think, we will be able to talk, and see what happens in the future with us. I tried the NC thing, didnt call her for a week, and she didnt call me. I finally called her bc i couldnt take it and she was surprised i hadn't called her and thought that i was getting over it and moving on. I was not, and have not, and she knows i want to be with her. I have given her space, and havent seen her in almost 3 weeks. She even said maybe soon we can hang out or do something. I don't want to push her even farther away then she is now, b/c i fear then she will get use to not talking or being around me and make it easier to jump to someone else. She has told me she wants to stay in touch and that with time she will be able to think about us and then i can tell her the things i have realized about our past and what can be improved. I know that we can be happy together and were for most of the 4 years. There have just been some things that i didn't do and got comfortable with, that may have led to a "rut" we got into. So i am hopeful b/c she hasn't shut me out, hasn't lied to me, and just needs time. I am willing to give her some time, knowing that it may make us both stronger and realize we are right for each other. In the long-term picture, this is the girl i want to marry and be with forever so i am not going to give up b/c of a bump in the road. A big bump it is, but i think we can overcome it. I know you all may think i am blinded by love, and i may be, but if i don't try then i will always wonder, what if? I know myself and I know her, and i think with some time apart, we can come back together stronger. Once i know its over for good, then i will move on, probably in more pain, but for now, that is not the case. I may be setting myself up for disappointment, but I know this girl and I know the type of love and connection we had and still have. I just need the chance to show her i am that guy she fell in love with , and that i will never take her for-granted again.

[Zorba]

I know this girl and I know the type of love and connection we had and still have.

No offence, but she left. If she had that connection you speak of, to the extent that you speak of, she wouldn't have. All this crap she's saying about maybe with time, etc etc... She's lost the spark for you. Simple as. If you hang around like the old faithful puppy time will only drive her further away and will not get that spark back. Until of course someone who she does have the spark for comes along and then you're dropped. Again.

I just need the chance to show her i am that guy she fell in love with , and that i will never take her for-granted again.

Fair enough, but currently she's taking it "for granted" that you'll be there no matter what as a safety net. She knows you'll stick around no matter what. She may not be able to put that into words, but trust me that's what's happening. How do you change that? By not being so available and when you do interact or meet with her, be more like the man she wanted, but be strong , be upbeat and do not rake over the coals of the old relationship. Sounds counter intuitive? It is and it's why most couples don't get back together, because they do the "intuitive" thing. Let her miss you before you show her what's she's missing(quietly proud of that line...

[bummedout4]

How do you change that? By not being so available and when you do interact or meet with her, be more like the man she wanted, but be strong , be upbeat and do not rake over the coals of the old relationship. Sounds counter intuitive? It is and it's why most couples don't get back together, because they do the "intuitive" thing. Let her miss you before you show her what's she's missing(quietly proud of that line...

 

 

I like what you said here, it really makes sense and I know it is something i can do and want to do. When we do talk i am not bringing up our relationship or anything like that b/c she already told me she is not ready yet to talk about that. So we talk as friends and maybe in the near future , do something together as friends. And just to let you know, I am not waiting around like a puppy dog, i may be inside, but she knows i have been going out and doing things w/out her, to her surprise. She saw pictures on my friends facebook page from a few weekends ago, and she mentioned it and seem surprised that i was out. So I thank you for your advice. It is really hard to hold back and keep my feelings inside for now, but i know the time will come where i will be able to tell her and show her everything i feel. its just being patient and waiting for that time w/out losing my mind that is the hard part. I know that in the long-term, i dont want to push her now and make her pull back even farther away. I know she is the love of my life, and i won't give up, just i know i need to wait for the right time or risk losing it all.

 

Another question, yesterday she called me in the morning to my surprise. I called her in the afternoon after work but she did not answer, she has been sick so she may have been resting. Usually on the weekends she hasn't called me much or at all. So since i was the last to call her, and she hasn't responded, I should not call her at all until she returns my call right? We agreed that we would call each other when we want , and she told me that its ok for me to call her and it doesn't bother her or invade her space. But i don't want to seem like i am always calling her, but also dont want to make her seem like she always has to call me. So i shouldnt call her again until i hear from her again? I am probably making this more confusing than necessary. I know if she calls me then she is thinking of me at least. Wow i really overanlyze things, sorry i am at work and have nothing better to do. Well thanks for all your help!

[Zorba]

I would say let her call you and occasionally you call her. If you're mathematically minded think of it as a vague ratio 3 to 1. You being the 1. That should set the tone.

[bummedout4]

thanks again, sounds good.

[bummedout4]

how do i get myself to stop thinking about what she is doing? every weekend is like torture b/c i know she is out with other people and guys and i just can't get it out of my head. We seem to talk during the week but when the weekend rolls around, she doesn't call and I don't want to call her. I usually tend to think the worse, such as her being with that "guy" in a sexual way, although she has told me and her mother that they are just friends and she isn't looking for a relationship. I believe what she says, but i dont trust guys, and i know he is probably looking to take advantage of her. I know i can't control what she does while we are on a "break" but i can't stop thinking about it. It has been almost 5 weeks since we started this break and I want her back so badly. I know i have to play it cool and give her the time she said she needs and wants. Why is this so hard? I feel that i am doing better 5 weeks into this but it is on my head all day everyday. I really love her and want to be with her forever. I don't want to give up and it feels the longer we don't see each other and are in this "break" that she will get use to not being around me. I know i haven't lost her b/c we stil keep in touch, but I want to just show her all the emotions and feelings that are tearing me apart inside. Do i see if she wants to hang out sometime in next few weeks? Maybe just to go out get a drink and have some laughs and a good time? I want her to know that she doesn't have to hang out with different people to have fun and that we can have fun together, more like the beginning of our relationship. I don't know, a lot of things go through my head and i come on here to vent it out. I know there are no definite answers about anything and that being apart may make her miss me and think of me, just not knowing if she is or not is hard. I keep having this hope that this situation will make us a stronger couple if we get back together, which i really think will happen. I know i need to try to get myself to think about moving on w/out her but it just seems so impossible to me right now. I know time heals but I don't want to heal and move on w/out her. Well I guess if the love we shared for 4 years was true and meant something, we will be able to work things out right? Well thanks for everyone's advice and help.

[bummedout4]

ok well last night we talked b/c i couldnt take it anymore, she has been dating that guy for 2 weeks now. she said she didnt want to tell me b/c she didnt want to hurt my feelings. well too late for that, my feelings have been hurt for 5 weeks. she said she doesnt want to lose me in her life, she still cares about me and loves me but isn't "in love" with me. she says she doesnt know about anything and if she is making the right decsions but doing what she feels is right for now. she wasnt happy with our relationship and i guess this guy is new and makes her feel happy for now. she even says that she could be making a big mistake but doesnt know. so i told her what i felt, i want to be with her and i would do anything to make it work between us but she doesnt feel that right now. so basically we are done, she still wants me around as a friend, after 4 yrs she still likes to talk to me and cares about me but i told her i dont see her as a friend and dont know if i can do it right now. i told her she can call me when she wants, whether or not i will answer i dont know, but i am not going to call her b/c its too hard for me. well its hard for me to accept she is with somebody else, seems like a rebound so who knows how long it will last. i feel really bad right now, but hopefully knowing will ease my mind instead of wondering and assuming everything. i told her i hope she realizes what she is doing and what she is missing out and that i hope she find what she is looking for. one day that may be me again, but who knows. she is so confused about her future that she doesnt even know what she wants. so i guess i have no choice but to move on. i thank everyone for their advice. i hope she wil realize that i am who she really wants one day, but by then i hope to have moved on and found someone better. i really do love her and it really hurts so i dont know what to do now, but i am trying my best to go on. i thank you all for your support

[CreoUCLA]

You have to go NC now... Do it for yourself.

 

You can't make her feel/think/realize/etc. She has to do that on her own. Don't stick around... You can't let her use you as an emotional crutch. If you're available, she'll get to build the new relationship with this other guy, while still having the emotional support from you. She'll never see what it's like without you. You deserve more/better than that, and it's time to put your happiness first!

 

Remember: If she truly loves you, she would be with you.

 

-Mike-

[bummedout4]

You have to go NC now... Do it for yourself.

 

You can't make her feel/think/realize/etc. She has to do that on her own. Don't stick around... You can't let her use you as an emotional crutch. If you're available, she'll get to build the new relationship with this other guy, while still having the emotional support from you. She'll never see what it's like without you. You deserve more/better than that, and it's time to put your happiness first!

 

Remember: If she truly loves you, she would be with you.

 

-Mike-

 

Yeah i know what you are saying. She still wants me around as a friend, and i don't want to turn my back on her but i know that if i stick around for her, it will only help her with her rebound relationship. I know that she will realize this guy isn't right for her, but at the moment she probably sees something new and exciting. So i need for her to see what its like w/out me around and i know this, its just really hard. after 4 years of her always being there and talking to her about everything, it is hard to all of a sudden not have her in my life anymore. This is definitely the hardest thing i have experience in my life and i hope it makes me a better person, and i hope she finds what she is looking for and makes her happy. I know she feels really bad about hurting me but that doesn't help me, she did hurt me and thats the reality. I thank all of you for your support and advice, i am going to need it.

[CreoUCLA]

It is difficult, but take it one day at a time. That's what I'm doing. There are no quick fixes for this, as I am learning...

 

-Mike-

[bummedout4]

Well i haven't posted on here in a week, so i thought i would update my situation. After last weeks phone conversation where she basically told me she had been seeing this guy for a few weeks, she called me tuesday. I did not pick up but later texted her. She wanted to see how i was doing b/c she cares about me. We then talked about everything else and what was goin on in her head. She told me she doesn't know, she thought I hated her, she is confused with her whole life right now and making decisions based on today, not looking ahead in the future. She doesn't know if she is making a mistake or if shes doing the right thing. Time will tell , she says , but she doesnt want to lose me from her life or for me to erase her from mine. So, I told her i couldn't talk to her as friends now, b/c i see her as so much more and feel so much more for her. So she said she understood and to let her know when I am ready.

 

WEll I now feel that she is waiting on me, and not the other way around. She wanted to break up, and is confused, so she is the one who has to make up her mind, not me. I think I am going to ask to talk to her in person, make sure she knows that its up to her, when she realizes what she wants, to call me. If she wants to talk to me to call me. I think i was too nice considering the pain she has put me through and she has to know i am upset how she did this and that she is risking losing everything. Well i been NC since last tuesday's text, may talk to her one more time to tell her that and then that's it. Her Bday is Nov. 8 so maybe i'll send a card , but thats all. She needs to find what she is looking for, hopefully she will see that she misses me but if not, I need to heal.

 

 

I talked to her mom on the Wed. after we talked and she told me that on Monday, the day after she told me about seeing this guy, she was crying and told her that she was so confused, upset that she hurt me b/c she didn't want to. She also said she didn't know if what she is doing is right. So I think this really shows how confused she is with everything right now. Her mom also asked her about this guy and if she had feelings for him and she said that she didn't really have any deep feelings for him, just liked to be around him and have fun and talk to him. I was shocked when she told me this, b/c as far as i knew she was taking all this fine, a lot better than me. I still don't think everything that's going on has hit my ex yet, she is trying to distract herself with this guy and going out all the time. I know she will realize it sooner or later, i just wish i knew when. I still dream about her almost every night and want her back so badly. Everyone keeps sayin NC and i am trying to not think about her or what she's doing. Some days are hard, some are not as hard. I don't want to lose the 4 years we were together and the bond we shared. I know only time will tell and heal and make us both realize what we really want. I just hope things work out b/c i honestly don't see myself with anyone else.

[Zorba]

If you don't want to lose her then NC is the only, I mean only way you're going to do that. Staying as her friend will just help the new guy and will not get her back unless by some slim miracle that would make the parting of the red sea look look like someone pulling the plug on their bath.

 

NC is your only hope. Full stop. Period. End of.

[bummedout4]

When is it possible to have any LC with her? Just like how are you doing, and that sort of convo, nothing deep or about the past? Do I just wait for her to make any move, whenever or if ever that happens?

 

Zorba, I have read your whole post on the rebound and the reverse psychology and i read that almost daily. I know it all makes a lot of sense and I hope it is true and works in my situation. Do I just then have to let her go? I Know you said if you were close soem sort of LC is possible?

[dreamguy]

bummedout the only time when you should consider LC is when you can hear "I'm happily dating someone else" and not feel pain or panic.

That's the ultimate test to know if you have really healed and you are ready to establish contact again and start from scratch as if you just met this girl.

 

Start NC today and stop being there for her to aggravate her confusion.

It will also help you get rid of the dreams you are talking about.

 

Just remember that it will get worse before it gets better after you immediately start NC. That's why so many people cannot keep going and we all break NC times and times again.

 

Later on, you will stop counting the days and the weeks... you will go with the flow.

 

Don't worry, a few months of NC will not make her forget you. If you keep in touch it will be easier for her to gradually put you in the background of her thoughts/mind (knowing you are available) and she'll be able to concentrate more on her escapades with the new guy.

[bummedout4]

Would NC ever reinforce her decision, since she isnt talking to you at all , kinda put you out of her head and just focus solely on whats in front of her? I know 4 years and love doesn't just go away for either the dumper or dumpee, but its so hard to think and wonder if she is actually thinking about me , missing me, thinking if she made the right decision ? It really sucks, that is all. I know time will tell and time will heal , i just hope that she eventually realized what she has done to me and the mistake she has made. Well wish me luck guys, its been almost 7 days NC and i plan on it for a while.

[CreoUCLA]

I know 4 years and love doesn't just go away for either the dumper or dumpee, but its so hard to think and wonder if she is actually thinking about me , missing me, thinking if she made the right decision ?

 

I'm sure she is, but you can't spend your time worrying about what she's thinking/doing. You have to learn to let go... It's the only way to move forward. NC, is all about you!

 

My ex and I split up a few weeks ago after being together for nearly 6 years. Yes, it is hard... I tried LC for a week, but she felt like I was still pressuring her, so I went NC almost 2 weeks ago. And honestly, I am much happier today, than I was ending several phone calls with even greater confusion on both parts.

 

I'm starting to realize and learn a lot of things about myself and the relationship. I now see that our relationship was unhealthy, and that this "break" is for the best. There were things I did wrong, but there were also a lot of problems that I saw where she didn't give me the love I wanted/deserved. I honestly don't want to have our old relationship back, and I love this girl with all of my heart. In the future, who knows? But right now, I know we're not healthy together.

 

What has gotten me to this point? NC. It allowed me to work on and heal myself. It motivated me to go out and spend time with my friends/family, take the time to reflect alone, exercise more, and most of all learn.

 

So, keep doing NC... But, remember to make the most of this time by becoming who you want to become. How you use this time for your own healing/growth is so important.

 

-Mike-

[bummedout4]

Thanks for the kind words mike. I wish i was taking this as well as you. I am on my way but still have a long journey in front of me. I do want to improve myself for me and for whoever else i become involved with in the future. Whether its my ex or not, i don't know, she is now doing her own thing , seeing a different guy so its really up to her. I am sure she will realize eventually what she is doing but who knows when. Thanks again for your words of support. I am trying my best to put her out of my head.

[CreoUCLA]

Thanks for the kind words mike. I wish i was taking this as well as you.

 

You're welcome.

 

I am far from completely healed... But accepting and letting go have been two big hurdles that I feel like I'm finally overcoming (especially "letting go"). This doesn't mean I love/miss her any less, but that I can't do it for her. Deep down, I realize that our situation just isn't working right now.

 

She's on a journey to find herself, needs time/space, and wants to experience life without me. So, I'm giving her what she wants. And it's not that I'm sitting around, waiting for her... Because I am on the same journey for myself.

 

Taking back control of your life is scary at first, especially having been in longterm relationships like we both have, but it's for the best. Take this time, invest in yourself, and I'm pretty sure that you will look back on this years from now and think, "wow, that really was for the best for me."

 

For now, print this out and put it on your wall;

link removed

 

I read it every day.

 

-Mike-