anita sandwich Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 i’m 25 years old, but people say i look younger (20-23), i am tall, skinny but fit, tan, and naturally blonde, with blue eyes. i have been told that i am beautiful and should be a model, my whole life. I am currently dating a 27 year old man who is a military firefighter, 6’4, about 240lbs, muscular and sculpted, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a literally perfect body. we have been together for 4 months and i really like him and i feel like we could have a future together, but there is one big problem. he often can’t get it up and says that he “rarely wants to” have sex. he seems to do a lot to try to please me and he does try to have sex with me when i want it (eventhough he doesn’t), but he usually loses his erection (if he even got one in the first place). he even bought viagra one time to ensure that we would have sex. the first sign that something was wrong was during our second date, when we were making out, i didn’t feel his erection. That was definitely a first for me. every other guy i dated would get an erection if i just looked at them in a certain way. When we started getting to the stage of sex (after the first month), he got it up right before he entered me and this was the general pattern, for about another month. It seemed to be inconsistent though. Sometimes he would get it up until he came in like 5 mins...other times, he could get it up and keep going for 30...other times he couldn’t get it up at all...other times he got it up at first, then lost it. But sex during that second month together was definitely better than it is now. Now he usually isn’t interested in having sex with me at all...he just says “i’m not going to be able to get it up”, but he says real apathetically that “he’ll try”. But then i just can’t give him an erection or get him truly interested. I don’t understand it! i have analyzed this and considered every possibility here... 1) is he impotent? i really don’t think so because at the beginning of our relationship, he would get hard as a rock. 2) is he cheating on me? i don’t think so because he works every other day in 24 hour shifts and he says that he can’t leave the fire station while he’s on shift. On his days off, i usually know where he is and i’m almost always with him in those evenings. Plus he always wants to be with me. if we don’t see each other one day, it’s because i was busy. Unless maybe he’s using a hooker or having casual sex with one of the military sluts in the dorms while i’m at work...I guess it’s possible... 3) is he a closet gay, trying not to be? he is drop dead gorgeous and a little feminine about some stuff, so I guess it’s possible. but he seems to be crazy for women. the other day, he was talking to me about something, then glanced over at the tv and saw this beautiful half naked woman, and he stopped mid sentence and completely forgot he was even talking to me. He goes to strip clubs occasionally also. Plus, he is kind of a macho man. He likes big trucks, tools, and anything that makes him feel like a man. 4) does he have a low libido and maybe just not a very sexual guy? he has a friggin sex swing for goodness sake! and other toys! and i’m pretty sure he has had a lot of partners in his life. he definitely seems like he should be a sexual guy... 5) is he insecure and nervous about performance? i really don’t think so...he is gorgeous and a bit arrogant. plus, he has had a lot of partners, so that’s plenty of practice... Although, one time he told me that his ex wife used to put him down all the time and tell him that she didn’t like his penis. 6) is he on any anti-depressants that could kill his sex drive? no, he’s a pretty chipper guy for the most part. Plus, he criticized an ex gf for going to a psychiatrist and being on medication. 7) is he just not into me, physically? That is definitely how this whole thing makes me feel...but guys generally find me very physically attractive...and my current bf is always telling me how i'm beautful. He even said that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever dated. 8) is he bored of me? he always wants to see me and spend the day with me and seems geniunely bummed when i tell him i need to go...but maybe he's bored... I DON'T KNOW! =( any thoughts? Thanks guys! Link to comment
SxcLady Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Welcome to ENA have you tried to "excite" him? you know sexy lingerie... or does he like it rough? Or you say he has toys... have you tried playing together? You might be right about number 5... If his ex put him down like that it would almost certainly kill a mans sex drive. I dont think its you... I think he is nervous or scared about you putting him down. Even if you never have. He probably has that fear in him now. You said "at the beginning of our relationship, he would get hard as a rock". Has anything changed? Did you try new positions or bring the toys into it or what? Maybe he just needs to have some "no sex for awhile" time then let him come to you for it. Let us know... Link to comment
Zackinlaw Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 It would seem as intimate as you are, and without your ego in the way, that you should be able talk together enough to know why he has a sexual response problem. Otherwise, you probably should not be having sex at all! Zack. Link to comment
rootcause43 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 This is something you should try to discuss. If he wont talk about it - then its not going to change. I'd listen to Zack as well with regards to that ego. My bet is #6 - he is on anti-depressents. I've been on them before and it is night and day how things "react" down there depending if I'm on them or not. I also find it odd that he shared his aversion to the drugs with you for apparently no reason. Perhaps he is trying to throw you off the scent, so to speak - so you wouldn't suspect? Link to comment
doyathink Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Or...#9, He's just not that into you. Maybe your beauty just leaves him so mesmerized that he's speechless...er..um...bonerless. Link to comment
pregnantkitty_1985 Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 Hmm, I thought he was gay until I read the one about his wife putting him down, sexually. That can be incredibly damaging to a man's sexuality. Then again, maybe she put him down because he had the same problems with her. (Not that it makes it justified.) So, maybe he IS gay. He may not be big on psychiatrists but he sounds like he could benefit from some counseling to undo the damage that the exwife did. Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 I try to excite him! When he is sitting around in the living room, I'll walk in the room wearing only sexy underwear and he just pretends not to notice... I actually like it rough, so when we are having sex, I try to initiate that but he doesn't respond or reciprocate, so no. I admit I am not an incredibly skilled lover...because I never needed skills to get a man off before...maybe that is part of the problem? I don't think much has changed since the beginning of our relationship when he got hard as a rock. Maybe he is just bored of me... *sigh* Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 Zack, I have tried talking to him. During the first couple months, he always volunteered excuses for why he couldn't get it up. He mentioned that thing about his ex-wife one time, other times he says he's tired from working all day (but he's a firefighter...how much work do they do, honestly?), or he masturbated earlier that day, or his penis is tired from too much sex with me (eventhough at most, we do it twice/week). Now he just says "I don't know, I just rarely want to...". He has also said "I give you all that I got." And I can tell he really hates talking about it. Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 Yes, of course that is the first thing that I think...#7 and #8...he isn't into me anymore. But if he's not, then why does he still try to please me? He still calls me all the time and if there is something I want from him, he always tries to come through for me. And he talks to me like he really likes me...If he didn't want me anymore, wouldn't he either dump me or avoid me and ignore me? Link to comment
KG Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 My 2 c's...he is into you...he's carrying baggage from previous relationships, and thinks you are the same...convince him you are his ONLY...his one and only...then rock his world! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 My gut reaction was he is possibly gay. Link to comment
Adrian28 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 First you said this: the first sign that something was wrong was during our second date, when we were making out, i didn’t feel his erection. But then you say this: I don't think much has changed since the beginning of our relationship when he got hard as a rock. So which is it? Has he been having a problem since the beginning of your relationship? Or is it recent? Once a guy has a problem getting an erection, it is self perpetuating. i.e, he is so scared that he won't get an erection, and stresses out over it, that he really doesn't get an erection. I think your man has a problem somewhere physically or mentally, it doesn't seem to be about you. Link to comment
pregnantkitty_1985 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I think he loves you. But in a love, not in love sort of way way. I think he really may be gay. Because you prance around in sexy panties but he doesn't seem to care. Being damaged by your exwife is one thing. Not noticing a hot chick when she flaunts her stuff right in your face? That's highly suspect. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I think he loves you. But in a love, not in love sort of way way. I think he really may be gay. Because you prance around in sexy panties but he doesn't seem to care. Being damaged by your exwife is one thing. Not noticing a hot chick when she flaunts her stuff right in your face? That's highly suspect. Yeah, i agree. Men who are not gay almost can't help but get turned on by a hot woman, even if an ex treated him poorly. they are just wired to get hot and bothered, if they are straight. Nine times out of ten. If not that i'd suspect an ED disorder. Link to comment
pregnantkitty_1985 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 At first I thought it was a mental or physical problem, but now I'm thinking he's gay, because he doesn't respond when she walks around half naked. Even a man who had a self perpetuating erection problem would probably spare a look at a scantily clad chick, wouldn't they? Or maybe because of his problem, he is avoiding looking, avoiding getting anything started, because he's scared he won't be able to get it up. Link to comment
Adrian28 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Or maybe because of his problem, he is avoiding looking, avoiding getting anything started, because he's scared he won't be able to get it up. Yes, exactly. Link to comment
doyathink Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I don't think a guy has to be gay just because he doesn't get a spontaneous hard on when a hot chick walks into the room. I really want to believe men are more complicated then that. This is like saying a girl creams her jeans just because a hot dude asks her out. Some people actually get turned on more when they know their partner is intelligent, hard working and can appreciate them as a person. Link to comment
Adrian28 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 One more possibility, you say he has a perfect body, etc.. etc.. well, if he is into body building, there is a possibility that he may be taking steroids or might have taken them in the past. One of the well known side affects of taking steroids is a difficulty in getting and maintaining an erection. Link to comment
SxcLady Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 maybe he does just need no sex time. I mean .. after reading everyone elses posts and yours it appears to me that yes he loves you, but maybe he doesnt feel ready for intercourse. Some people think they have moved on from previous relationships and as soon as they find someone they like, it really hits them. maybe he was ready for a new relationship ... but when it became sexual he realised he wasnt ready for that. (on top of the ex putting him down) when did the ex and him part? Link to comment
free2Bme Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Maybe he's thinking 'change the record' This is exactly what my BF was thinking, I wanted it all the time, and he never did, I would get upset, annoyed, frustrated. And I put so much pressure on him that it made him not want it, because he thought that was ALL I wanted him from (whcih is not true at all) Even if you're prancing around in sexy lingerie, if you were on at him about sex the night before for example, he is gonna know what you're trying to do. Now that I have backed off and I have had it 3 times this week and it's great Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 Wow, thanks for all of your help, people! Adrian, Well he's inconsistent...but at the beginning of the relationship, in general, he was more interested in having sex and he would get an erection easier, and it would last longer, etc....but it has always taken him a while to get "warmed up" so to speak. Making out has never given him one. Now, as opposed to then, if he gets an erection at all, it wont be until we've been having foreplay for quite a while... Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 and what i meant by "foreplay" was him going down on me and me giving him a handjob, etc... Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 pregnantkitty, At the beginning of the relationship he did notice me though. If I walked by wearing only underwear, he would come over to me and start kissing me and grab me a little...so that aspect of the relationship has definitely changed... He is inconsistent though...he shows interest sometimes, but sometimes it's like he almost goes out of his way to show me that he isn't interested. you know what i mean? Link to comment
anita sandwich Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 Or maybe because of his problem, he is avoiding looking, avoiding getting anything started, because he's scared he won't be able to get it up. I get the feeling like this might be part of the problem... Link to comment
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