do I wear what he tells me to wear?

[jaidi]

I moved a long way to be with my bf who I dearly want to marry. I'm 24 and he is 39 and I am Thai/Chinese and he is English. Though I have lived in the uk much of my early and recent life I really don't have family here so I'm very much dependent on my bf. After I moved in with him he started to insist that I wear only skirts and heels all the time, saying I should 'dress like a girl'. One day he got angry with me and threw out the clothes he doesn't like me to wear. I secretly bought some jeans to wear outside because I sometimes feel vulnerable in public. He saw me one day and said it was ok to wear them because I should feel comfortable when out and about. He later apologised for throwing out my other 'boys' clothes and took me shopping - but again ended up buying more skirts. Someone suggested that he has a fetish for bare legs, but I'm not really sure what that is. You can imagine the web search results for that and I won't look at those kind of web sites. I know he is controlling but has never been abusive. I desperately want to make things work and be a good lover for him, as I love him totally. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?

[DREAM]

No I done have any experience in these situation, but my guy has asked me couple of times to wear a skirt. So I have but it's up to me he has never demanded.

 

I guess you bf what's to feel that he has a gal around the area not a guy, so I would suggest when your around him wear skirts but when your out and about not with him wear what you wish.

 

But I would seriously consider the future thing, cos he sounds a bit out of control

[LaFlygurl03]

Well I cant say i have ever been in the circumstance. But it sounds weird. i have heard of boyfriends saying not to wear skirts and exposing clothes in public or around other people, bc they dont need to see it. but i dont know, i would wear what i feel comfortable wearing. tell him you dont feel comfortable wearing skirts all the time and that you like wearing what you like to wear. do you tell him what to wear??

[sayer7]

He seems like he feels insecure in your relationship and there's really nothing you can do about it in helping him feel more secure. He feels inadequate in some way and he feels he needs to control you and what you're wearing to make himself feel better about himself.

 

The reason he wants you to wear skirts and 'act like a girl' is because he is trying to control you and make him feel more powerful than you.

 

The more he demands you to wear skirts and dress like a 'girl' the more he feels he has power over you. And the more he feels you are subordinate to him the more he feels he can do anything he wants with you and the more DANGEROUS the relationship! Eventually, this kind of control can (and in my experience in the field I've often seen) develop into physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. All three are severely damaging to your sense of self, self-confidence, self esteem, and physical well-being. It starts out little but can become big relationship issues.

 

Also, Please be aware of the following other signals/early warning signs that a relationship may turn abusive later on:

 

1. Jealousy; 2. Your economic and/or social dependency on the controlling person; 3. Threats against your emotional or physical well-being at any point in time; 4. Intrusion into your privacy- such as dumping your purse contents out on a table or on the floor as a sign of disrespect; 5. Efforts to isolate you from having any or making new friends; 6. Possessiveness; 7. He has a temper and is prone to getting angry; 8. A history of violence or abuse with other ex-girlfriends. 9. And/or: He physically tries to move you(control your movements) by gripping your upper arm or some other body part-- often with enough force to bruise.

 

The more of these early warning signs, the less healthy the relationship.

 

Also Please be safe and don't isolate yourself from making other friends. Please, reach out and try to meet people and make new friends. You are HUMAN and all humans need social interraction outside of their relationships with their significant others. We define ourselves by how others see us... and the more people that see and interract with us, the more we know ourselves and who we truly are.

 

Please dress the way you want to dress-- not in a way that you feel is improper or too revealing of flesh for your comfort, etc... Please don't let his controlling behavior go too far unchecked. If he can't respect your choice in clothing-- then he later may not respect your space, your body, your privacy, your safety, your well-being.

 

I work in private sector criminal justice and I'll have earned my Master's Degree in Criminal Justice by this December. I'm specializing in Intimate Homicide and Domestic Abuse- if you need further assistance or advice please feel free to contact me at anytime.

 

Hope this helps....

[enadevoli]

what is it that you want? its not about him, its about you.... do you like dressing this way? does it hurt you when he throws out all your old clothes & picks out new clothes for you? you are your own person, you don't belong to him & if you want to dress a certain way, you should be able to despite what he wants. i know you probably want to make him happy, but you need to be happy & comfortable too. if he loves you, he should love you for you & not care about how you dress. if you feel uncomfortable with the way he wants you to dress then you should tell him this. if he can't understand your feelings & continues to make you wear skirts all the time, then you need to go find someone else. its not fair to you, its your body, not his, so do what makes you comfortable.

[DealingWithIt]

I think if you feel comfortable wearing something...then wear it. However, having your bf tell you what to wear is not right. Talk to him and explain that you will wear skirt and heels when you feel like wearing skirt and heels. Why are you so dependent on him? That's not good. If he tells you to jump from a bridge...would you?

[kharrell16]

If your boyfriend makes you wear certain things and not what you really want to then how can you be happy w/ him. I was in a 6 year relationship w/ a guy that did nothing but control my life. I couldn't wear certain things I couldn't talk to certain people and let me tell you, I was not happy because you can't truly be yourself when you are walking on egg shells for a controlling boyfriend. I promise it isn't worth the heartache. You should be able to truly be yourself in all aspects, even what you wear.....

[jaidi]

It's not that I don't feel comfortable - I like feminine clothes too. It is just that I have to greet him every evening with bare legs - even now it is almost winter. Is this a fetish? or do most men like to see girls dressed 'like girls'. Maybe you are right sayer7 and it is so he feels begger and in control. He is not jealous or possessive, nor has he ever handled me roughly. But then he does control all the money, and very dominating when we make love. He says I should get more of a life away from him, I know I am too clinging. But I love him so much. He is my whole life - I thought being dependent on each other was the good thing of having a lover. And he is dependable and kind. It just seems so mixed up....

[enadevoli]

you can depend on each other, but you have to depend on yourself too. even if this whole thing is a fetish, its still not right for him to control you. if you don't want to wear a skirt one day, then don't. if he gets mad about it then its his own problem. do what you want & don't just do what your bf wants you to do because then you won't be happy & even if you are happy now, you won't be later when it all gets worse.