Hymen repair

[SAMRA2]

does anyone know how long a hymen repair surgery's results last? do the stitches disappear after a while or is the hymen intact till the next intercourse regardless of the time between the surgery and the sex?

[LostInMyThoughts]

does anyone know how long a hymen repair surgery's results last? do the stitches disappear after a while or is the hymen intact till the next intercourse regardless of the time between the surgery and the sex?

 

I don't know about the surgery, but I do know that you can tear the hymen without intercourse (inserting a tampon, gymnastics, riding a horse).

 

Just out of curiosity, are you considering the surgery?

[kaoticbaby]

^ I don't see it as worth it, either. Like the above poster said, what if you got the surgery, and then it broke again from something other than intercourse? Would be a waste of time, money, and pain. Mine broke before I ever had sex, so I know it could easily happen.

[SAMRA2]

its a cultural issue. i am torn between the right thing(telling my future husband am not a virgin) , or just doing the surgery.. in my culture , men expect women to be virgins. i know its a double standard but i live in this place and i have to deal with it..

[kaoticbaby]

^ Yes, but even if you get the surgery, it won't change the fact that you're not a virgin. Would you feel comfortable lying to someone you should be spending the rest of your life with? It's deception, and if he ever found out the truth, would do a lot of damage to your future. I understand the cultural reasons behind it, but the surgery isn't going to erase your past.

[sddeaston]

Thats insanity

[FortunateOne]

^ Yes, but even if you get the surgery, it won't change the fact that you're not a virgin. Would you feel comfortable lying to someone you should be spending the rest of your life with? It's deception, and if he ever found out the truth, would do a lot of damage to your future. I understand the cultural reasons behind it, but the surgery isn't going to erase your past.

 

Kaoticbaby,

 

Would you lie (or omit) this information if your family, or better yet, your life depended on it? The culture she's referencing is quite harsh in the treatment of women as we western cultures perceive it and she has to live under that culture's rules.

 

So, my advice is to invest the money and make peace with the justification that it'll keep the family's honor and make your future marriage more true to the culture. It' not a lie since your omitting the facts. It only becomes a lie if you create a cover story for the procedure.

[Mythical_Suicide]

If she worried about it so much in the first place she would have remained a virgin until Marriage. She done it, went against her culture/beliefs and had pre-marital sex now she's wanting to fork out a ridiculous amount of money in order to try and LIE. So I agree 100% with Kaoticbaby, you can have the surgery but it doesn't erase what you have done. Hymens tear easily, most girls tear BEFORE they even become sexually active, so what?

[nuttybuddy]

i understand that it's a cultural thing and a lot of people do it in your culture so that they can get married. but are you really not going to be able to get married because of it?

 

it's corrupt. the culture is corrupted if the deception is almost the norm.

 

i donno if you are a strong person to stand up against such cultural structure. i certainly wouldn't want you to jeopardize your life by getting stoned to death. it's sad that sometimes even families will turn against you for going against this structure.

 

you know, sometimes people with intact hymen don't even bleed after their first intercourse.

[kaoticbaby]

Kaoticbaby,

 

Would you lie (or omit) this information if your family, or better yet, your life depended on it?

 

This is not an "omission." Her future husband WILL ask her if she's a virgin. He's not going to forget to ask her. And personally, I don't think this is exactly a family matter. The OP stated herself that she could tell her future husband, she just obviously rather not. But either way, it is a lie, not something she just "omitted" from a conversation. And I would not be able to live with that for the rest of my life. What if he finds out about the surgery somehow? Then what? He'd know he was deceived, which is worse than knowing the truth in the first place.

[nuttybuddy]

This is not an "omission." Her future husband WILL ask her if she's a virgin. He's not going to forget to ask her. And personally, I don't think this is exactly a family matter. The OP stated herself that she could tell her future husband, she just obviously rather not. But either way, it is a lie, not something she just "omitted" from a conversation. And I would not be able to live with that for the rest of my life. What if he finds out about the surgery somehow? Then what? He'd know he was deceived, which is worse than knowing the truth in the first place.

 

I agree. Omission is also dishonesty.

[FortunateOne]

If she worried about it so much in the first place she would have remained a virgin until Marriage. She done it, went against her culture/beliefs and had pre-marital sex now she's wanting to fork out a ridiculous amount of money in order to try and LIE. So I agree 100% with Kaoticbaby, you can have the surgery but it doesn't erase what you have done. Hymens tear easily, most girls tear BEFORE they even become sexually active, so what?

 

Wow! Hindsight is 20/20. I wonder where I can get some of that? The fact is the act is done regardless of what the culture's religious beliefs are. And the beauty of these belief is that God, Alla, Buddha or your neighbor's cat forgives once we sincerely change for the better, i.e. repent. thereforeeee when leaving out private information to those individuals in one's future is "not a lie". Why harm her future husband with this fact? Is the catharsis of a relationship more important than piece of mind of a positive union? Not in my book. No future mate deserves the weight our past sins.

[kaoticbaby]

^ Like I said, there is no way she could just simply "leave this out." He WILL inquire. What's she to say then? Only "yes" or "no."

 

"No." IS NOT an omission. It is a lie.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I have to agree with FortunateOne. If it's a matter of life and death (and in some cultures being a non-virgin can be), I would definitely get the surgery and lie to my husband.

 

Is it a lie, if it means saving your life?

[kaoticbaby]

I don't think the OP is facing a life-or-death situation. She would have stated that if she was.

 

Some cultures ARE hard on you if you're not a virgin. Very hard. I know this. I've studied this.

 

But they don't all kill you.

 

She said that telling her future-husband would be "the right thing."

 

And I agree.

 

Edit: If it *is* a case of life-or-death, she's still not in the clear. Like I said, what if he finds out about the surgery. Surely, the deception is worse than the act itself. And yes, it's still a lie. Just, in that case, she'd have a much better reason for it.

[FortunateOne]

This is not an "omission." Her future husband WILL ask her if she's a virgin. He's not going to forget to ask her. And personally, I don't think this is exactly a family matter. The OP stated herself that she could tell her future husband, she just obviously rather not. But either way, it is a lie, not something she just "omitted" from a conversation. And I would not be able to live with that for the rest of my life. What if he finds out about the surgery somehow? Then what? He'd know he was deceived, which is worse than knowing the truth in the first place.

 

I agree. Omission is also dishonesty.

 

In a Utopian world I would most truly agree, but this is the real world. Are you both so honest as to tell your significant others all your deeply dark embarrassing mistakes? Relationships are about trust and that trust is based on who we represent today, not yesterday. Yes, her husband will ask and she will give a one word answer, "Yes". The only way he may discover the fact is if someone else tells him or she confesses. I don't think she'll rat herself out, so if he ever hears about it a wise man he will understand to focus on the future relationship and not the past by ignoring such information.

[nuttybuddy]

In a Utopian world I would most truly agree, but this is the real world. Are you both so honest as to tell your significant others all your deeply dark embarrassing mistakes? Relationships are about trust and that trust is based on who we represent today, not yesterday. Yes, her husband will ask and she will give a one word answer, "Yes". The only way he may discover the fact is if someone else tells him or she confesses. I don't think she'll rat herself out, so if he ever hears about it a wise man he will understand to focus on the future relationship and not the past by ignoring such information.

 

Aren't you advocating building a life on a false foundation??? That life can crumble once the foundation is found out.

 

Better to build your house on rock than on sand.

[kaoticbaby]

Do I tell my boyfriend every little thing about my past? No. If I weren't a virgin when I met him would I have told him? Yes.

 

But in my culture, sex isn't as big of a deal as it is in hers. Having sex with someone may be an "embarrassing mistake" in your culture, but in her culture it's like us not telling our partner we were married before, and got divorced.

 

It's a HUGE deal.

 

And I don't think this is a life-or-death situation for the OP, like I said. I think it is more of how her family/future husband will view her.

[SAMRA2]

this is not a life or death situation, yet it will jeaporadize my chances wit him. I know this is a double standard society and i am totally against it. the reason i had sex in the first place was because i had strong belief that women should not be treated as less if they were not virgins and if men were not blamed for it then nether should women. i dont regret doing it, i just feel that if i had the surgery it would save me a lot of trouble and future suspicions .

i know its not the right thing to do but realistically it would make more sense.

[kyriel]

First of all, and I'm sorry if this upsets you, if your man is the type of person to spazz out and refuse a future with you because you have been sexually active, you will never be truly happy with him. Culture be damned. You are more progressive than the mindsight of your cultures beliefs and you need to be with a person who respects that. If he loves you, he will. Why spend hundreds of dollars on a surgery to help fabricate a lie? Especially if this is a lie that fuels a belief that you don't support?

[kaoticbaby]

SAMRA, you had sex and you don't regret it. You believe women should be equal. People knowing you had sex, as you stated, will not cause you any physical harm.

 

In this case, I stand by everything that I said before. Who cares if it will make it harder for you to marry? Why would you want to marry someone who would oppress you, if you don't believe he should be able to? I don't believe in cooking for a man every night, doing all of his laundry, being the childrens sole babysitter, taking his last name, etc... and in MY culture this will make it VERY difficult for me to find a husband one day. But there is NO WAY that I would marry someone who would have a problem with this, and I wouldn't change myself to suit someone else.

 

If you have the surgery, and lie to your husband, how will you feel knowing that you're whole life together will be based on a lie?