My sad story

[BrokenAndSad]

I am 19 years old and I never had a real relationship.I want to write a prologue in order for you to understand the situation I am facing right now.

 

 

I was bullied when I was a child by some idiots and it lasted until I was 14,so it really left the mark.

 

Even when I was older I was still she shy,quiet kid.At about 15 I went through a severe depression.One of the reasons for my depression for falling in love with a girl I met online.She was 19 and lived in another city so we never met.After she realised I was getting really attached to her she broke it off,to my despair and tears.

During this period I tried to commit suicide.

 

After that I I somehow recovered although it was really painful.

 

I started being a relatively normal teenager,but I was always too shy to approach a girl so I never really considered it.I had some friends who were also quite love shy so they made it bareable.I always met girls online.During that time I met another girl online and she wanted us to meet each other in RL but I refused,mostly because I wasn't ready to do something like that-I was too damn scared and a bit mazohist.I enjoyed thinking that girls are something I will never get because I am a victim of bullying.

 

When I turned 18 I finally got the courage to meet two girls in RL but I got really disappointed,one was really,really ugly,with rotten teeth and the other one was quite loud and not too so she never contacted me again.

 

So,I never kissed or dated a girl or anything until I was 18.During that time,I had this ICQ friend who was 3 years younger than me,we were both attending the same school but we never meet in RL.I knew how she looked like and she wasn't very attractive.I considered her a friend and asked her out on a beer or something during our ICQ conversation and she suddenly became weird.I asked her what was the problem and she told me that she doesn't know how to say this,but she likes me.I warned her that me online and me in RL are different things but she said she doesn't care.

 

So,we met in RL and we went to park and talked for three hours but I was too shy to touch her and she was also completely inexperienced.

Two weeks later we met the second time and again nothing happened except for a hug at the ending.This time I felt really bad but I couldn't do anything.After this meeting she stopped any contact with me and I wasn't really distraught.

I actually began forgetting about her when she suddenly contacted me again and told me she still likes me.We started talking again and we met the third time.This time I was a * * * * * again and I couldn't kiss her so she kissed me but I was really scared so I couldn't kiss her back.After that we cuddled a little and she had to go home.

I expected her to send me a SMS tomorrow but she didn't.Nor did she the day after.Only after 5 days did she told me that she can't be with anyone right now and that we shouldn't meet any more.

 

I cried and and felt like complete * * * *.It was difficult for me everytime I saw her at school.I felt like I was gonna die from pain.

 

These are my experiences with girls and online dating.However,the most painful story,happening right now, is yet to be told.

[prizmpyxis]

Hi there,

 

I really feel for you because I know what it's like to be shy, and to not be able to approach people. However, your problem seems to have stemmed from bullying. Do you think that you would benefit from individual therapy? Sometimes therapists can help us work out these issues that we have with ourselves.

 

As far as the girl telling you she can't see anyone right now...there will always be other girls. Why she said that doesn't matter, and it is not a reflection of who you are. There is someone out there who will appreciate you to the fullest extent and love you. You just need to learn to be comfortable with yourself. I have been rejected a few times, and so has everyone else probably on this forum. We learn to accept the rejection, and to move on. It doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it just means that this wasn't the right person for you. If you love yourself, that is all you need and then the relationships will follow.

[Ash]

I honestly think the best thing you could do for yourself is turn off your computer and get into the real world. It seems all your experiences are based on things that happen online. Life is not always like that. At your age, dating for many weks or months before a hug or kiss is totally normal. I'm really concerned you're learning to obsess about people you have never met, and settle for people you don't really like.

 

Yeah, you've had some tough times, but to be totally blunt, 19 is young. It sounds like you think every person you meet is the *only one* that could ever want to be with you, that is just not the case.

 

I think you need to settle down, start to love yourself first, don't worry about the virtual world and learn how to interact with flesh and blood people.

[BrokenAndSad]

Well,after that last girl(it was in October 2006) dumped me spent almost an year without any chances.

 

 

It was like this until May of this year.Then,I met this girl called Mary on a mobile phone chat.She was about my age and she said she was coming to my town to colledge.Soon got very intimate,sending each other love messages.It was actually quite naive from us,because she said would be coming to my town in October and that was May,but we were too shortsighted to anknowledge that.

Basically,we would send each other erotic messages and pictures and we would say "I love" you all the time.Of course,I was worried a lot about the moment when we will meet,I was afraid she would dump me like all other girls did,but she told me not to worry because that is impossible.

 

But now comes the strangest part.Mary and me wrote so many messages to each other that we would just stare at our cellphones so we decided to take a break for a few days.

During the last day of our break I got a bit depressed and I missed her a lot,but I knew her cellphone was switched off,so I went to that mobile chat again,without any expectations,just to kill some time.

But that day was the worst day of my life.I met another girl,this only 16 year old and from my town.Her name was Sofia.The remarkable thing was that she went to the same kindergarden with me,so I remembered her a little when she was just a baby.

After some messages exchanged I told her about my fears towards girls,without mentioting that first girl,of course,and she said she would like to kiss me to make that up.

 

Suddenly I was in contact with two interested girls.It was flattering but scary in the same time.I got tons of beautiful messages every day from two different girls.However,in the same time,I was scared.

I wanted to be with the first girl because I had met her sooner and we were really attached but I decided to stay in the contact with Sofia too.Hell,in case the first girl doesn't like me I'll try my chances with the other one.You don't get many chances like this,I thought to myself.

 

However,there was one thing I didn't expect.The younger girl,Sofia,wanted us to meet somewhere,while Mary was still uncertain about the date of her arrival to see me for the first time.

So,out of sheer boredom,I met with Sofia first,just two days before Mary's arrival.I came there with greasy,unwashed hair and badly dressed,not expecting anything BUT MY GOD-we talked for 6 hours straight.

Moreover,my long awaited meeting with Mary 2 days later was rather lukewarm and disappointing,but she didn't reject me and we kissed.

 

Now I was in some serious trouble.Two girls wanted me???!!! Even though I knew that Sofia really,really liked me I felt like I was responsible to Mary.Out of sheer stress and anxiety I did the stupidest thing ever.I told Sofia about Mary.She cried,but I comforted her and told her I will dump Mary.

 

But I had no courage to do it.Another factor was that Mary was not around and we have only seen that one time.So,I just told Mary we shoud be friends and we can continue our relationship after she arrives permanently in my town.

Now I started going out with Sofia and she was the first girl I ever really kissed with,for hours,it was magnificent.I touched her,caressed her and held her in my arms.

However,even after she forgave me about Mary I continued do to one stupid mistake after another.One day we had to meet and it was raining so I cancelled it so she got all wet.Now I know only a moron would to that-I don't know what got into me!

But my worst mistake was telling her I don't want to commit(I was scared of being hurt again).She became really mad after these words and said she's had enough of me treating her this way.

I tried do explain,but I couldn't.Unfortunately,she went to the seaside only one day after our fight so I couldn't do anything.

[Ash]

It doesn't sound like you have any real idea of what you want or what is best for you. Have you considered what each of these girls wants anywhere in all of this? You told Sofia that you'd dump Mary. However, you told Mary that you can continue your relationship once she arrives in town. Back to Sofia but you don't want to commit to anything.

 

The girls are going to think you're a player. You don't know quite what you want. Of course you can't explan this to Sofia's satisfaction because I suspect if you told her the truth (as in your posts here) that she'd leave because you were essentially already in a relationship with Mary and you did not tell Sofia what the situation was. I think you've backed yourself into a corner and coming clean will likely mean they both walk.

 

Chalk this one up to experience if you have to. Honourably consider letting both of these women go. I suspect if you don't there may be trouble down the road once the true story is known. Ditch your cell, email, IM for meeting women and do it in person. At least until you figure out more about yourself.

[BrokenAndSad]

After she went to the seaside for 50 days I realised how much I miss her and love her during the first week of her absense.I spent my entire summer thinking about her.

 

I sent her many SMS messages,trying to explain myself and telling her I love her.She surprised me by saying that she'll be back for 2 days in order to get some medical test results.I asked her if we could meet then,but she refused,telling me I am a complicated person and difficult to deal with.Then I made another mistake and became angry,asking her if she liked touching my * * * *.It was an idiotic mistake,I know.

We never met during those 2 days,and she returned to the seaside.

 

I was getting desperate,begging her to forgive me,but her answers got colder and colder until she stopped answering me at all.

 

She hadn't sent a message in over 25 days while I sent over 20.I became so desperate that I admitted everything to Mary,who I did not see again but that one time.She told she is no mad and that she also has a confession to make-she didn't like me in RL and she knows I didn't like her too,but she wants to be my friend.She even said she wanted to try being with me before i told her about Sofia so she wouldn't disappoint me.Moreover,she wanted to help me about Sofia so she sent her a SMS,telling her that we are just friends.Afterwards Mary and me became just friends and we will probably have a cup of coffee after she arrives here in October.

 

After Sofia finally returned on Septebmer 1,she sent me a short message "I don't know,I don't like you anymore".That was all after my 20 messages.

I begged her to let me see her one more time and she said ok,and told me that she'll let me know the time and place tomorrow.However,that tomorrow was 4 days ago.

She started completely ignoring me,never answering to any calls or answering to any messages.

 

I became totally depressed,crying a lot,not leaving the house to go out with my friends any more.I am currently on medications that help me through the day.I can't believe I managed to destroy everything with her.If I could just take time 3 months back,but I can't.I know i screwed up big time and it's over,but I am in terrible pain.

 

Although my actions may point otherwise,I love her.It was just a combination of bad luck and my inexperience that caused this.

 

She is completely destroying me by her ignoring me,I lost my self confidence,I even got so low to tell her to at least reject me with one simple message.Such a contrast to our first meeting,when I was the sceptical one and she was trying over me.so I am afraid of going mad because of her.I know that it's over,but one part of me just refuses to accept that.I am always thinking about the future we could have her,btw we were together for just 2 weeks after our first meeting.

 

I am getting these crazy thoughts about going somewhere near her home and waiting for her,just in order to talk to her.

I am afraid of going insane.I don't know what to do.

[BrokenAndSad]

Ash,thank you for your posts,I am really interested in your opinion about the overall situation that in present now.

I mean,I still love her and I must get over it,but I can't,not after all these years of suffering.I can't believe something like this could happen.

 

It completely destroyed me,and I am so nostalgic about May,June and begging of July.I just can't adapt to the fact that now is Septemeber and my "glory days" are long gone.

 

I never wanted something like this to happen.I wanted to find a girlfriend,and that's all.

 

But now I am crying every day because I missed the only real chance I had-one with Sofia

[Jimbot07]

You're still very young so just put this down to experience.

From what you've said, every girl you have been involved with has been through the net, I know from experience that things are very different in real life than they are online, chances are you wont like the girl in real life just because she looked nice in a couple of pictures you have seen.

Yea it can be fun, but to get too attached to people online before you have even met them will often lead to heartache.

Forget chatting to girls online at least for now, start going out and socialising and meeting girls down the pub or wherever you like to go.

This is really the best way to meet women, as you dont waste time chatting for ages first and then realising you dont fancy them in real life!!

[Ash]

Time to move on, past Sofia and Mary. You likely actually scared Sofia and if think it would be best if you didn't try to contact her again. When you asked her if she liked touching you after her not being in contact, well that was a huge mistake. Please don't make that one again. You're obsessing over her and when it's all said and done, she is just another person. When you obsess it can get pretty scary for the other person. Read some of the other posts on this board about non-contact (NC) and you'll start to understand what SHE was doing. In her mind it was over months ago and your stream of emails was something that likely bothered and upset her.

 

It's over, just let it go.

 

Concentrate on YOU again. Leave Sofia and Mary in your past. Move ahead.

 

Best of luck.

[BrokenAndSad]

I've been to some night clubs and pubs but I have no idea how to make a pass,I know there are so many advices but,honestly,if I couldn't do it before I can't start when I'm 19.

 

But right now my problem is this girl,I still like her and I just can't grasp that it's all over

 

If only I could turn back time,now I now what I should have done.If I was smarter maybe I would be kissing her right now.

[Ash]

You can't possibly know that it would have worked out anyway. If it was meant to be then she wouldn't have left and not contacted you. One big problem is you jumped for Sofia while Mary was still an issue. That was a recipe for disaster in itself.

 

You have to grasp that it's over because it certainly sounds as though it is. Not only over, but I suspect you've got Sofia pretty rattled as her comment about not liking you any more suggests. Don't go after her any more. You may find she'll change her phone number of email if you keep it up. She's likely already blocking your communications anyway.

 

As we're said before, get out of the virtual world and into the real one. Figure out yourself FIRST, and what it is YOU want. Don't mold yourself into something you think somebody else might like. Don't even think about making passes at girls for a while. Making a connection with someone generally isn't a result of witty pickup lines anyway. Don't push it, it can take many months to click with somebody. You keep looking for a quick solution I suspect but it's unlikely to happen that way.

 

Start being smarter now by letting this situation go and working on yourself. You can't turn back time and it wouldn't work anyway because had you rolled the clock and done things differently you likely wouldn't have met either of the girls. It's all connected.

[BrokenAndSad]

It's just too painful to realise that all my chances are gone long ago.I was hoping for something until 1 September.

I can't help but cry when I remember our first meeting and the way she was showing how much she likes me.

She told me she would like me to be her first sexual partner and that she is having serious plans with me.

 

Damn,I should have been smarter and not tell her anything about Mary and not wanting to commit myself.

Maybe I should have had balls and tell Mary right at the beginning.Sofia even offered the send to message to her.

 

This is extremely difficult because:

1.She was my first girlfriend of a sort

2.To be honest about it,my ego hurts because she wanted something with me more then I did with her in the beginning

3.My hope was tingling through the entire summer

4.Who knows when I'm I going to have a chance like this again

5.She was a good girl

[BrokenAndSad]

You have to grasp that it's over because it certainly sounds as though it is. Not only over, but I suspect you've got Sofia pretty rattled as her comment about not liking you any more suggests. Don't go after her any more. You may find she'll change her phone number of email if you keep it up. She's likely already blocking your communications anyway.

 

I didn't want to be with her anymore after she told me she doesn't like me,I only wanted to see her one more time,tell her what happened and maybe cry a little.

 

You're right about working on myself,I wanted to to the gym,but I'm just too depressed these days and I'm most comfortable in my bed.

 

I somehow knew it could not be,not after I sent her large e-mails begging her and explaining everything.But I did love her.I still do.

[BrokenAndSad]

Just look at some of our conversations during our first meeting(this is quite painful for me,but I'll write it)

 

-I think I should buy a hooker in order to get rid of my frustration

-If you need one just call this number...(her number)

 

-I think that only loud and unihbited boys can have girls

-I hate such boys and I like you

 

-You're a good girl,but I won't marry you

-Why?

 

-I wish I could go to a deserted island

-And you wouldn't take me along?All we would need are a few condoms

 

 

DAMN DAMN DAMN.I even cry while I write this.Maybe I shouldn't have wrote all those e-mails and SMS but I couldn't resist,I thought she will be glad

[Ash]

It's just too painful to realise that all my chances are gone long ago.I was hoping for something until 1 September.

 

It wasn't really right to have her around until a specific date if that's what you mean.

 

I can't help but cry when I remember our first meeting and the way she was showing how much she likes me.

 

New relationships are always exciting. You'll have that again.

 

She told me she would like me to be her first sexual partner and that she is having serious plans with me.

 

Time enough for that too. I remained inexperienced in that way until I was well past your age. It's a wonderful thought, but whether it would actually have happened is completely a different matter. Don't focus on that part at all.

 

Damn,I should have been smarter and not tell her anything about Mary and not wanting to commit myself.

 

That would have been a mistake. Basing a relationship on a lie (or an implied lie by an omitted truth) would not have worked. Not wanting to commit was totally your call, but you have to realize there was a reason at the time you didn't. Don't second guess that. You just weren't ready, you knew that then, it wouldn't have worked out.

 

Maybe I should have had balls and tell Mary right at the beginning.Sofia even offered the send to message to her.

 

You certainly should have decided on one girl or the other. I'd be willing to wager though had you told Mary that you'd have lamented the fact you lost her. I think a BIG part of this is you want something that has been denied. Human nature. It has likely happened to all of us (I know it's happened to me!). Good thing you didn't let Sofia send Mary a message. That would have been a massive slap in the face to Mary and she did NOT deserve that.

 

This is extremely difficult because:

1.She was my first girlfriend of a sort

 

We've all had a first gf (well, the GUYS have). Many of us remember that the most.

 

2.To be honest about it,my ego hurts because she wanted something with me more then I did with her in the beginning

 

If you weren't ready, then you just weren't! No going back and changing that. Just ask yourself if you will be next time. There is no right answer. But don't lament a decision made. It's not worth the agony.

 

3.My hope was tingling through the entire summer

 

Sounds like it was something else tingling.

 

4.Who knows when I'm I going to have a chance like this again

 

You more than likely will. But you'll never get there if you get stuck in your past.

 

5.She was a good girl

 

She still is. And there are tons of others.

 

I didn't want to be with her anymore after she told me she doesn't like me,I only wanted to see her one more time,tell her what happened and maybe cry a little.

 

Bad scene. That's a trap that seems okay on the outside but never works that way. It's like an addiction, you think just one more hit and you'll be okay, but it never, ever is. Let it go.

 

I somehow knew it could not be,not after I sent her large e-mails begging her and explaining everything.But I did love her.I still do.

 

It's okay to still love her, although I'm not sure you're not getting love and something else confused. It happens. That's not intended to be a slight.

 

Best to give her peace, let it go and turn your focus elsewhere.

[BrokenAndSad]

It wasn't really right to have her around until a specific date if that's what you mean.

 

No,I knew she was coming back on date date and I thought she'll contact me.

 

New relationships are always exciting. You'll have that again.

 

Yeah...In who knows how many months or years

 

 

It

 

 

That would have been a mistake. Basing a relationship on a lie (or an implied lie by an omitted truth) would not have worked. Not wanting to commit was totally your call, but you have to realize there was a reason at the time you didn't. Don't second guess that. You just weren't ready, you knew that then, it wouldn't have worked out.

 

 

This is really tricky.Even Sofia herself told me I should have dumped Mary without ever mentioning her.And about commitment...I guess I was trying to play some kind of cool guy.But two days after she left I was in tears...So much about the cool guy.I even tried to send more love messages to Mary at that time,but it was not the same

 

 

 

Good thing you didn't let Sofia send Mary a message. That would have been a massive slap in the face to Mary and she did NOT deserve that.

 

 

I don't think so.She didn't like me from the start.Our messages indicated that we will have sex right there on the floor after we see each other the first time,but reality was different.Maybe it would have been a bit of surprise to her then,beggining of July,but I still don't think she would have been really hurt.She showed a complete lack of surprise or sadness when I told her about Sofia in mid August.

 

 

Sounds like it was something else tingling.

 

I don't know what you mean,seriously

 

 

It's okay to still love her, although I'm not sure you're not getting love and something else confused. It happens. That's not intended to be a slight.

 

Obsession,projection...Whatever.All I know is that I'll never hold her little hands again,hug her,kiss her neck and talk for 6 hours with someone on a first date.

 

I am currently not so obsessed with her,but with 1 July,the date I met her and we talked for 6 hours.God,if I only knew

[BrokenAndSad]

One more thing,her not answering me was terrible for me.I would wake up and the first thing to do was check my cellphone.

I went so far to kick the cellphone under the bed for days just not to think about it.

 

Also,now I am so nostalgic that I keep reading newspapers from that time or looking for some information about the events that happened on these days.

I am completely * * * *ed up,and after that girl dumped me last year I thought I will never feel such pain.I was right.I felt much worse.

[BrokenAndSad]

I just can't stand it anymore,I feel like I'm going crazy,I need her so much,I have to see her

 

I can't stop crying.If it weren't for my parents I would commit suicide.I have too see her today.

[Ash]

It's like an addiction. You'll keep having to see her one more time. It won't work. It's really best to leave her completely alone and move on. It's been a while, you need to accept what has happened, and accept the fact that you're not going to be able to contact her any more. You're hurting yourself a lot by continuing to want to see her. It won't be the same, you heard her words, you're effectively not the same person she met a few months ago.

 

The bad feelings WILL pass. You have to have some faith that they will. Crying is part of the grieving process. That's normal. It hurts, but you'll get over it.