Past relationship can scar? or just the way it is

[Batya33]

Sorry if I sound harsh - you sure sound harsh in what you're saying about someone you hung out with twice whose only rude behavior was not calling. I've been on many second dates where things seemed to be going good and he didn't call again - at that stage and as Annie24 wrote, it could be anything.

 

If you want to send clear signals that you want to date someone, then date him, don't go to his house late at night when he calls last minute, especially if you've just met him (because of safety, too!). If you really want to hang out with someone because you're really into him and you're excited that's totally cool too but then you have to take the downside of giving the impression that you're cool with that no strings attached last minute approach.

 

When a man wants to date you, he doesn't behave like this man did, or at the very least he leaps at the chance to take you out on a date the minute you mention a restaurant or an activity you like to do and certainly if you're direct, as you are and you say "i would like you to ask me out on a proper date" he doesn't make vague references, he says "great! how about ____ day - I'll figure out something fun for us to do."

 

He called you 8 or 9 times you said, without asking you out, you told him to ask you out, you asked him when you were going to see him again and he didnt' ask you out. Instead, you're focusing on all the sweet things he said while you were on his couch late at night because that justifies you feeling "led on" (that's all I meant by "victim" - sorry if that term was harsh to you).

 

Why couldn't he feel that way at the time, and also feel - since he didn't ask you out - that he wasn't ready to ask you out at that time - and on reflection, realize that (as Annie agreed) the two of you were on different wavelengths.

 

The only thing he promised was that he'd call you but maybe he figured that since he wasn't ready to ask you out on a date did it make sense to call someone he'd only known a week, who he'd only seen twice and who wanted something he did not? Sure it was rude not to call and say "hey, what's up - pretty busy these days, catch you later" but you think that in this situation - a few hang outs and hook ups - he "owes" you what is in essense the "explanation" a person makes to another person after they've been dating awhile or in a relationship just because he said some sweet things while you were fooling around and talking. You chose to get attached - from his perspective you could be someone he hung out with twice, who he had good conversations and make out sessions with, on to the next. and that would be perfectly fine and reasonable for him to feel at that early stage and given the casual arrangement.

 

In a perfect world, you're right - everyone should call after one or two dates or a hook up to say "that was fun but we're not a match" and everyone should call when they promise they would. Many people (can't say all) including me - after that short a time of knowing someone and if no date is planned - do not make that call or return a call because most people understand that "silence = noninterest" that early on.

 

If I followed you right, I would feel led on by every single man who ever took me out once or twice, laughed, talked, told me deep things, expressed interest in me (but without asking me out again) and then never called. I don't - unless he asked me out on a specific date while on the date. If he says "I'll call you monday" I feel led on that he will call me monday but I don't assume he is going to ask me out again.

 

The good thing about my approach - I don't start thinking a man is misleading, manipulative or played me just because he decided we weren't a match after one, two, three dates (and even longer, if he is not making specific plans for another date and we are not yet exclusive). If i really felt as you did I am sure I would never have dated as much as I did or met the great people I met because with those expectations it would have been far too stressful an experience for me.

 

I also didn't let myself get as attached as you in two dates because it's so early on but if I did I resisted the temptation to blame the guy if he didn't want to see me again, even if he wined and dined me. Because it's only two dates and perhaps two weeks of knowing the person. Makes sense to me but of course we can disagree.

 

Again, i don't mean to be harsh - I like how you are listening to all different views and I appreciate that being disappointed includes anger at the other person. I'm just saying that anger is mostly misplaced.

[Miss M]

you sure sound harsh in what you're saying about someone you hung out with twice whose only rude behavior was not calling.

I still disagree and I think he did other rude behavior other than not calling.

 

ETC, for what it's worth, I think you've been far too easy on him (in other words, not at all harsh). But it's quite obvious to me that you've been far too harsh on yourself, e.g. when you felt you weren't being aggressive enough, or when you felt you had been too aggressive, or when you felt you "messed up" or "screwed up" or did something wrong, and scared him away by indicating that you expected him to take you out, etc... And I hope you can stop regarding yourself so critically (including not seeing yourself as being "harsh" towards him) because I know that doing that won't help you maintain clarity either. Good luck.

[Batya33]

I agree that the OP should not be harsh on herself as far as what she did "wrong" because she did what felt good at the time and realized that the short term instant gratification might come with some long term risks but the risks were worth it. I definitely think she should not take it as a personal rejection of her because in a week and a few hang outs he barely knew her so he couldn't reject her. Rejecting what she wanted - to date or perhaps have a relationship - isn't rejecting her personally.