Clementine orange Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Or maybe they just don't stress it enough. I was NC for 30 days. Then she contacted me. Now we are communicating. she's crying....but also flip flopping - she missed me, she wants me, she's a wreck, she needs space, she doesn't know what she wants, she's not sure if she can be in a relationship, she wants to be friends, she wants to sleep with me, she can't live without me, she wants to just cuddle with me, she doesn't think anyone will ever love her like I did, she is afraid I will NC again, she wants to give it time, she wants to be friends first and then figure out where to go from there, she wants to be there for me, she wants me to pull myself together. Our conversations are strained, she tries to maintain composure, we pick safe topics, we make small talk - small talk with the person I used to tell everything to. She slips up and says "honey", she's not sure if she should, she tries to be strong, I want to say something romantic but I'm unsure how it will be received. NC was easier than this bs. NC - I counted the days and like a metronome each day got easier. I was healing. I knew I wasn't going to contact her and I knew she wasn't going to contact me. No endless interpretations of emails, no wondering why she hasn't called back. No me feeling guilty for not returning her phone call. No wondering who she is with. Just sweet nothing - nada, zero, zip. I dream of the days of NC. Now I'm an open bleeding sore, now if I don't talk to her for two days I'm losing it. When we were together and happy I wouldn't think twice about missing a few days of no contact, an unpromptly answered email just meant she was busy that's all, I didn't give it a thought. Now an unanswered email means anything - I crossed the line in something I said, she is out with someone, she hates me, she's lieing in ditch somewhere. NC was my rock, it was my refuge, I understood it, it welcomed me, it made me feel safe. We will see each other for the first time in 2 months this weekend. Instead of looking forward to it, I'm a wreck. Nervous, anxious, afraid. That's what they don't tell you. NC is hard, but the alternative can be so much worse. I don't even know what I want!?!?!?! If I want her back then I'd better pull myself together and show her the kind of guy she fell in love with. Confident, cocky even. A man in control. Back then I was - after all it was a fresh relationship - I had nothing to lose, nothing invested. Who isn't cocky in those days? Now I feel like one wrong step... I miss NC Sorry for the long post - I just had to spill out over the side to someone. Link to comment
servedcold Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 30 days isn't enough time IMO for any real healing on either side. Based on the reservations you express, you may be talking to her too much. Best wishes. Link to comment
smickey Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Clementine you have just written exactly my situation and exactly how I feel. I'm back in NC (5 months on and off for me) because the alternative is just too hard. Good luck this weekend. Link to comment
Moto Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Clementine, this is the situation all of us that go NC fear. It's so soon that you can't even begin to fathom what YOU want, and I doubt she's figured out anything either. It sounds to me like she's scared now, and wants to run back to her security blanket so to speak, because she feels it's controllable. Life outside of you may have turned out to be to much for her to handle, despite the fact that it was her own selfishness that caused her this grief. I know it's hard to do, but from everything I've read about your situation I would say to give it more time , for you both to figure everything out. It's far to soon to try to be friends imo, at least for you, as all this uncertainty is in the air all around you. Problem is, if she genuinely learned what she was supposed to, (which it sounds like she hasn't because of her unclear feelings) , it could be hard to turn this opportunity down, as you still do love her... NC is a comfortable little cave, that I hope I don't have to leave for awhile... I hope I can hibernate through the winter. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 I think that you should re-consider meeting up. At this point the situation is just too volatile and there is no telling what is going to happen. Heal first then be friends if you choose to be. Meeting up with her now is only going to prolong this stage when you need to get back to the process of healing. Link to comment
mmisty2001 Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Clementine you have just written exactly my situation and exactly how I feel. I'm back in NC (5 months on and off for me) because the alternative is just too hard. Good luck this weekend. Having been tempted to contact my ex I have just read this and it made me think, is it worth it? Thanks for stopping me, This is exactly what I needed to hear. Link to comment
benga Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 NC was my rock, it was my refuge, I understood it, it welcomed me, it made me feel safe. I miss NC Absolutely.. I feel the same way exactly. Its pointless dealing with all this flip flopping... NC is awesome!!! Link to comment
Moto Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 Aye, the ex's seem to flip flop more then John Kerry. Frustrating innit? Link to comment
beebee Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 nicely put orange... i also feel that way... i just didnt break it down in my mind like you did... for me its been 10 months of NC... i still miss him... i havent looked at anything that has to do with him even though i know i can find pretty much everything i want online... ive definitely learned that looking only hurts me more... and contacting him?... that would be a disaster... ! i cant even explain how i feel these days... somethings missing... ok... enough... im gonna start crying if i keep this up and the one thing i DONT want to do is cry... im smiling... life is good and so is NC... God bless... beebee Link to comment
Frontclip2200 Posted August 23, 2007 Share Posted August 23, 2007 i think that NC is a good thing also as much as i hate to admit it. its been 1.5 months since the break up, and i still miss her like crazy. after about a month we started talking again, at first it diddnt seem like a big deal, seemd like we had both moved on for the most part. then we hung out a little, and ended up talking about us. well since then she has plagued my mind once again and made me take a few steps back in the moving on process. as much as i want to be friends with her and miss her, it made things a little harder for a bit but i am still moving on with life. just thought you should know Link to comment
Zorba Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Maybe it's just me and bear in mind I am a bit weird, but I found LC in the past actually helped me heal quicker. I know, I know weird, but LC kinda made me see them for who they were and what they actually meant to me, better than anytime I went NC when I thought I was missing far more than I actually was. Their flip flopping actually made it easier for me to let go. the more they were "confused" the less confused I was as if I love someone confusion is not an emotion that springs to mind. Link to comment
thinkstoohard Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Maybe it's just me and bear in mind I am a bit weird, but I found LC in the past actually helped me heal quicker. I know, I know weird, but LC kinda made me see them for who they were and what they actually meant to me, better than anytime I went NC when I thought I was missing far more than I actually was. Their flip flopping actually made it easier for me to let go. the more they were "confused" the less confused I was as if I love someone confusion is not an emotion that springs to mind. AMEN! Good point Zorba. Link to comment
girlyantics Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm agreeing with no contact as the safe cave. It has been such a blessing. At first it felt like it was absurd to have absolutely NC with someone I shared everything with. But just like drug addiction you have to get past WITHDRAWL before you can really start the real work toward healing. I feel like I won't be okay to ever break no contact if the reasons for the breakup, the hurt, is still even remotely present. For me it isn't the good times that make upset, its the betrayal. As long as that haunts me, I'm not going to give someone who still has some power over me a damn chance. And that's not out of spite but out of love for myself. Can an alcoholic still hang around the neighborhood bar while he's mid program? Self-preservation. You gotta love yourself more. Link to comment
Tempcuriosity Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 aww! So this takes me back to what I use to do to my ex, Lovely huh? Link to comment
Jess... Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm agreeing with no contact as the safe cave. It has been such a blessing. At first it felt like it was absurd to have absolutely NC with someone I shared everything with. But just like drug addiction you have to get past WITHDRAWL before you can really start the real work toward healing. I feel like I won't be okay to ever break no contact if the reasons for the breakup, the hurt, is still even remotely present. For me it isn't the good times that make upset, its the betrayal. As long as that haunts me, I'm not going to give someone who still has some power over me a damn chance. And that's not out of spite but out of love for myself. Can an alcoholic still hang around the neighborhood bar while he's mid program? Self-preservation. You gotta love yourself more. Well said. Great post! Link to comment
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