Making Her Miss You When You Work Closely Together - How?

[CrapAtNC]

So, I failed at NC and now my ex is coming to work with me. I'm very happy about that, as she is going to be a great asset to the organization, and we still get on very well as long as the relationship isn't mentioned. She's funny and kind and gorgeous, and I like having her around.

 

If we never get back together, I'll be fine. If she gets a new boyfriend, it will hurt a little and I'll be jealous, but I'll be fine. I have no delusions about us, and I'm happy with my life.

 

But I would also be happy if we got back together (I think - we'll see how it is after working closely together for a few week ). It's not my goal; I don't need it; I just think of it as an interesting and potentially fulfilling possibility. She's had a profound influence on me, and is the first woman to make me take a good look at myself in order to be a better person.

 

Now, in order to stir up a similar interest in her, I would need her to realize that I'm gone, right? She'd need to miss me, become aware of the consequences of breaking up with me, right? How do I get her to miss me when we'll be working together 5 or 6 days a week? I live above the office, so we'll even see each other on my days off. And she'll be using my kitchen, bathroom, dining room, etc.

 

How should I behave? I'm thinking to just keep it fun and friendly but also keep a noticeable distance - but how? By not being all over her? By not going out of my way for her? Should I still flirt with her, to keep her from seeing me as just a friend? How do I react when she mentions guys she's dating?

 

So many questions, I know, but I want this relationship to work, either as colleagues with a shared passion for what we do, or, perhaps, as lovers once again. I don't have the latter as my goal, but I don't want to inadvertentl kill the possibilty, either. The good news is that she is greatly impressed by what I do and admires me for doing it, and watching me at work is one of the things that attracted her to me - she loves it, in fact.

 

What would you do (if you were hopeless enough to invite her to come and work with you, too)?

 

Any suggestions or criticisms greatly appreciated!

[nomorelovish]

How should I behave? I'm thinking to just keep it fun and friendly but also keep a noticeable distance - but how? By not being all over her? By not going out of my way for her? Should I still flirt with her, to keep her from seeing me as just a friend? How do I react when she mentions guys she's dating?

 

 

You're definitely on the right track. Make her notice that it doesn't bother you to be around her, that you have moved on, and that you're extremely happy in your life. People are attracted to people who are fun to be around, so you should become that for her. Don't give her too much attention, treat her how you would anyone else, and if you find a situation where you can slide in a cute comment then go for it, but don't over do it. Goodluck, and remember to not let your desire to get back with her overtake your logical thoughts about how to act. Remain fun and friendly!

[annie24]

i wouldn't "try too hard" like making sure she is in earshot when you are telling your coworkers about your "great weekend." I mean, come to work looking good and happy, but don't make it look like you are putting on an act for her.

 

I'd be cold but polite. distant, sort of. treat her like any other coworker you know, acknowledge her in the hallway, speak to her when you have to ask her a question about a project, but otherwise, NC.

[CrapAtNC]

Much appreciated and valuable responses already - thank you.

 

I should add that there are only three people in my organization - no hallways; we'll be in close contact a lot, especially the first couple of weeks when I'll be showing her the ropes.

 

I can do what you've both suggested already, as I'm past the desperation stage and am genuinly happy with my life. Plus, I just came to realize a short while ago that I'm actually quite a catch.

 

So, treat her like anyone else, but allow the odd flirtation through ... I can do that!

 

Any other advice? Any other pitfalls I should be watching out for?

 

[edit annie, rather than going NC (in an office of three), wouldn't this be a great opportunity to show her what she's losing; ie, be the guy she once fell in love with?

 

I agree with what you said about the game-playing; it won't be easy, as I live and love above the office, but I'm beyond all the jealousy games now ... I think.

[annie24]

why does she work with you? why did you two break up?

 

from my experiences and other peoples' experiences "showing them what they are missing" has rarely worked. they knew what you were about, and they broke up anyways.

[CrapAtNC]

why does she work with you? why did you two break up?

 

She has all the skills and experience we have been looking for, and no one else has been interested. I invited her a long time ago, and it was one of the things she dearly wanted to do even immediately after we broke up. I invited her recently, and she accepted. I invited her primarily because we really need her on board, also because I know she will be happy here, because what we do is what she loves (I founded and run an animal-welfare and rescue non-profit organization). I also invited her because I want her in my life in some capacity, if I am to be honest.

 

She broke up with me in February as she said she lost the passion for our relationship after I broke up and got back with her several times. I broke up with her because I was frustrated by the minimal affection I was receiving, not realising that pressuring a painfully shy girl afraid of getting hurt was a surefire way to make her withdraw more. I've had counselling and done a lot of soul-searching since the break-up, and I can see painfully clearly now where I had gone so badly wrong. We remained intimate up until a month or so ago.

 

from my experiences and other peoples' experiences "showing them what they are missing" has rarely worked. they knew what you were about, and they broke up anyways.

 

I see what you're saying. Showing them what they're missing is only fractionally as effective as just walking away and making them miss you in your absense - I realise that.

 

 

 

But if I act cold towards her in such a close working relationship, won't that seem like I haven't moved on, that I'm still hurting? I realise NC is the best option, but I'm crap at that, and it would make our work lives very difficult, as well as perhaps making the other staff member and our volunteers rather uncomfortable.

 

What to do?

[annie24]

ah, no offense, but I am not sure that was a smart move to hire her after everything that happened. I think it will prove to be an uncomfortable working situation and it's only a matter of time before she starts dating Mr. Dreamy and then you have to deal with her having moved on while you haven't. That's what I am betting on. Sorry if that's negative.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

its easy too make someone miss you

 

stop talking too them and act like they dont exist

 

you work with her? dont pay her much mind, when you need something act professional with a cold face and say ms. so and so, i need these, she hands them too you, say thank you, and walk out. BAM!!!!!!!!!

 

she'll be running back too you, imma a pro-fesh-now at this

[CharLit]

Though thankfully I haven't had to test it myself, a lot of people swear by the "180" list by Michelle Weiner Davis. You can find it here:

 

link removed

 

The site it's posted on happens to be about infidelity, the original comes from her book on how to avoid divorce I think. Apply as much as possible of the list at work - it lets you be civil, but not needy.

[CrapAtNC]

ah, no offense, but I am not sure that was a smart move to hire her after everything that happened. I think it will prove to be an uncomfortable working situation and it's only a matter of time before she starts dating Mr. Dreamy and then you have to deal with her having moved on while you haven't. That's what I am betting on. Sorry if that's negative.

 

It's not negative; it's realistic.

 

Believe me, she is the best (perhaps only) candidate for the position, and we need it filled ASAP. It really is urgent, and she is so like me that she really is the only one I can think of who could do what I do, in all its variety.

 

She had a rebound already, and I got through that. And I am already telling myself that she has a Mr Dreamy - indeed she may have. I've accepted that. It's something I can deal with, and, in fact, would help me move on if it turns out to be true. I am surrounded by lovely, beautiful, kind women; I'll be OK.

[CrapAtNC]

SBJ and CharLit, thank you!

 

SBJ, your post supports that of annie's ... you've both got me thinking. I perhaps can make that work ...

 

CharLit, I'm checking the list now - thank you.

 

[Edit That's a great list! Bookmarked!

[TXStar7128]

My advice? Be upbeat, be friendly, be fun...but just keep your distance personally. Don't offer details of your personal life, and don't talk to much about how things outside of work are going for you. No deep personal conversations...keep answers about your non-work life generic, but positive. Don't ask too many personal questions of her, you don't want to seem the prying ex-boyfriend. Be supportive of her in her new work role, but keep it at that. Just keep your distance as much as you can.

 

Its not showing her what she's missing or anything like that, it keeps your life away from the office a bit of a mystery, but it still allows you to be fun, upbeat, and excited about your work. You will be fine...basically all you can do is just take it one day at a time and see what happens...Good luck.

[CrapAtNC]

TXStar, thank you.

 

Really getting some great responses and advice here.

 

I think all these suggestions can work together ... and I am now in a state of mind to be the person you're describing.

 

I feel like you're helping me put together a realistic plan that I can implement well. The good thing is, whether it works or not (in bringing her back), it will be fun for me as it keeps me positive and happy, which is most important after all.