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Less sex, and more affection


EllisBreaks

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I'm hoping you guys can give me some ideas as to what's going on here. I've talked with him about this, but either my self-esteem or my gut is telling me it's not the truth.

 

I'm 4.5 months pregnant, and our sex life has dwindled immensely, he REALLY seems to be trying to make that lack of sex up with more affection.. I've talked to him about this, and he says that i'm pressuring him to much, and i don't cum every time, which takes alot of pleasure out of it for him and that i don't initiate sex.. I originally thought it was because I'm gaining weight being pregnant and all.

 

He reassures me that he finds me sexy, but some how i just don't believe it. I'm starting to wonder whether he's cheating or not.

 

Take for instance the other day: He had the day off, and I came home from work sick. He didn't believe that i was sick, so he was pestering me while i was laying down. He kept asking for sex. I kept saying no, maybe later when I feel better.

 

I guess he was having some masturbation marathon all morning before i came home, he was downloading all sorts of porn. Anyway, after I felt better I went out to the living room.

 

He started telling me that sex has never been better with anyone because he's never loved anyone on such a deep level. That when he watches porn he fantasizes about me, etc... I for some reason wasn't buying all this talk... I just thoought he was blowing sunshine up my azz, so I would feel better about our sex life.

 

Anyway, he was all turned on and hard, then when I started playing with him he slowly went softer and softer, until he was limp inside of me. I was super upset after all that talk he had just fed me, after that, i felt that they were nothing but lines and if i wasn't sick at all, he never even would have mentioned sex.

 

We got into a big fight, and I said well I guess that solves it. We just don't hae sex anymore at all. His response was quick, and he almost sounded happy. He said OK.

 

He's been ALOT more affectionate, ever since he's seemed to loose interest in sex with me. ALOT more loving.

 

So what do you think? What should I do? Just act like I don't care about sex? Not mention it at all to alleviate this pressure that he says i'm putting on him? Do you think he's cheating?

 

Some one help me please.

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I doubt he is cheating, unless you have some more evidence and instances of opportunity. Men can have their interest in sex wane and come back and repeat that cycle.

 

Some of this may be connected to your pregnancy and some may be for other reasons. All of it is in his head, probbaly not in his logical thought processes, but in his sub-conscious thoughts, which he is unlikely to be able to just control.

 

To think about subconscious thoughts, think about if you want to walk someplace. You do not tell your muscles what to do as in when and how to bend, lift, straighten and lower your legs and feet. You just think "walk" to yourself and your subconscious thoughts handle the rest.

Desire for sex is also a subconscious thought. You do not will yourself to being horny or wanting to get it on.

 

Something is getting in the way for him. What can be several things, but part of it may be the porn. If he gets his rocks off watching porn, then maybe he has no horniness left for you. It may be that he now thinks of you differently as you are pregnant. Part of it may be that he could not keep it up. Fear of being a Mr. Softy will have a man avoiding sex. The real question is how to motivate him to change something that might bring some of it back.

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He said that i sat on his ball when he went soft. But, worse things have happened during wilder sex, and he's never gone soft. I couldn't believe him, and knew it was a lie because he wasn't very hard to begin with. He usually get's rock hard in my mouth. But this time, it was semi hard. Then it dwindled to flacid...... ugh.

 

This past few times is the first this has ever happened. The only problem he used to have, was that when he was drunk, he couldn't cum. Last time we had sex when he was like this, he went limp.... Which is VERY strange.

 

My man is a sexual deviant. I mean he's hard core kink. Yes he watches too much porn, and gets him self off from it everyday. But that hasn't changed really. He's always been this way. But now I don't seem to be getting any.

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I see nothing per se wrong with him looking at porn, but I think sooner or later too much self service has a tendency to get in the way of real sex.

 

Frankly, for me sometimes it is much easier to wank than have sex. If a man wants to cum, wanking takes minutes and minimal effort. Sex takes longer and requires more effort.

 

Sooner or later, you need to sit him down and say, what's the problem. But you also need to be able to delve into his mind a bit on how to approach that.

 

His keeping his hands off himself would bottle up his sexual needs and maybe create a little frustration, and when might that frustration get taken out, when he is with you?

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I've talked with him before.

 

He's told me that I'm putting too much pressure on him, and that he is frustrated because I don't cum all the time. He thinks i never do, but alot of the time, I think he knows and just don't say anything. I tell him this but he just ignores the words. He also says that I don't come to him enough. He doesn't feel like i want it. -- But I haven't come to him anymore or any less since he's stopped wanting sex. Nothing has changed. It's been the same for the whole time we've been together, and all of a sudden he says i'm never cum, i'm putting too much pressure, and i don't initiate enough? All of a sudden? The only thing that has changed is that i'm pregnant. -- I don't believe him.

 

He's had many excuses, but when we really fought about it. This is what he's told me.

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perhaps you're putting a bit too much pressure on him to perform?

 

if he feels like he has to (or wants to) make you cum everytime - and cannot (through his fault, or perhaps due to your pregnancy) then he's gunna be downhearted.

 

and you being 'super disappointed' in him going flacid a couple of times... that's not going to help his self-image.

 

let it come naturally?

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It may very well be the pregnancy, and it's not because you're gaining weight or because your body is changing but alot of guys Believe it or not are actually afraid of hurting you or the baby. I've known a few guys that won't have sex with their pregnant gf/wife for this exact reason and most of the time they won't say anything because they're afraid you won't believe them.

 

He is probably worrying over so many things that it's hard to keep an erection or "perform". I know when I was pregnant especially the first couple of months and the last month or so it was awkward to have sex because everytime i'd get into it a thought would pop into my head "can the baby feel this, does he/she know whats going on" and the parental instinct kicked in and the sexual aspect was ruined. Could very well be what your partner is going through. The only way to know for sure is to sit down and have a nice long talk, don't push it in his face just be like "i want to know whats going on maybe i can change something or do something different, etc".

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perhaps you're putting a bit too much pressure on him to perform?

 

if he feels like he has to (or wants to) make you cum everytime - and cannot (through his fault, or perhaps due to your pregnancy) then he's gunna be downhearted.

 

and you being 'super disappointed' in him going flacid a couple of times... that's not going to help his self-image.

 

let it come naturally?

 

yes, I've told my self that i'm not even going to approach the subject anymore. But I end up going to bed disppointed everytime we say goodnight, because he just snuggles me. Before, all it would take was him spooning me and he'd be turned on. Now. Nothing. I feel so ugly.

 

We used to fight alot. We've been getting along wonderfully ever since we've gotten back together but sex is our one problem now. For some reason, I fear that he's only gotten back with me fot the sake of the baby and nothing else, hence the lack of desire. This is my worst fear. Do you think this is a possibility? ~ If this were true, he wouldn't seem happy though right? He couldn't put on an act ALL the time, and show me mounds of affection, but no sex?

 

In the heat of the moment the other day when we were fighting about this, I let this out. He called me insane. That he loves me, and through all our shyte he's stayed. That he's here because he loves me, not only because of the baby.

 

But somewhere in the argument, he said, screw it... You can do this by your self. I'm out. I told him to leave, then he changed his mind. He was drunk when all this happened.

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There are clearly a lot of things going around in his mind. One thing is for sure though. You have to be a bit more sensitive to his situation and his lack of performance. However he is chosing to show it, its a VERY sensitive issue to a guy - if he loses his erection it can feel like someone has taken away your masculinity, that you're a failure etc etc. Having someone being un-compassionate towards you if that happens is only going to make the problem worse and worse. If you love him, you need to approach this in a different way - make him feel wanted and cared for, and if things start to go soft, then don't make him feel bad about it.

 

His reasons for his lack of sexual desire may well be a defence mechanism for his flagging libido. If he's become MORE affectionate since this happened, then in a way thats a benefit, so try to appreciate that and work on the sex issues GENTLY at the same time.

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It's possible that since he is so "kinky" as you said, that he can't think of you in that very sexual way because you are carrying his baby. Maybe he doesn't want to admit it, maybe this isn't whats going on- I don't know. And you may never know, because it sounds like he can't even figure it out.

 

He's giving you mixed messages-- saying you pressure him, and then saying that you don't initiate. He needs to make up his mind what he really wants from you. In the mean time, I say ... masterbate. And try to enjoy the affection he's giving you. Does everything have to be about sex? Maybe take this time to appreciate the LOVE that you have for each other. Everything will fall into place eventually. You two are going through a big change in your life. I don't think he's cheating on you. You'll be ok.

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Believe it or not are actually afraid of hurting you or the baby.

 

The only way to know for sure is to sit down and have a nice long talk, don't push it in his face just be like "i want to know whats going on maybe i can change something or do something different, etc".

 

Hi Mythical, I know for a fact that he's not scared of hurting the baby, he himself has said that that's a silly thing to worry about.

 

I've talked to him on three different occasions, and he's given me different excuses. the first, was that he was on a down cycle, and just wasn't horny. Which wasn't the case, because he was masturbating daily.

 

Finally on monday, after he told me a bunch of crap, how he fantasizes about me while watching porn, etc, and then went limp... I felt like he was telling all these things, just hoping that i'd be ok with him mastubating all the time and watching porn instead of having sex with me. I lost it, and left. I just don't get it.

 

There are clearly a lot of things going around in his mind. One thing is for sure though. You have to be a bit more sensitive to his situation and his lack of performance. However he is chosing to show it, its a VERY sensitive issue to a guy - if he loses his erection it can feel like someone has taken away your masculinity, that you're a failure etc etc. Having someone being un-compassionate towards you if that happens is only going to make the problem worse and worse. If you love him, you need to approach this in a different way - make him feel wanted and cared for, and if things start to go soft, then don't make him feel bad about it.

 

His reasons for his lack of sexual desire may well be a defence mechanism for his flagging libido. If he's become MORE affectionate since this happened, then in a way thats a benefit, so try to appreciate that and work on the sex issues GENTLY at the same time.

 

I have been sensitive, the first three times i've broached the subject. When he went limp the second time on monday, yes, I lost it. Because he proved that all that he said minutes before was false. He said i sat on his ball. But he never said anything, never flinched. Other times things like this have happened, he's said something, changed position and was gung ho to go.

 

 

 

On another note. I just remembered something that disturbs me.

 

We were joking around the other night, watching some movie. He jokingly said, "Hey. I know how to make more cash, I can pimp you out. I'll make a fortune" I said "ok, but only with good looking guys"

 

he said "no, you can't choose, you have to take what you get. If you don't like how they look, just close your eyes"

 

Then it occurred to me, that alot of the time, he closes his eyes. Just the other day, he jumped me after i came out of the shower, and the whole time he stood there having sex with me, his eyes were closed.

 

Should i take this into account, or am i just being paranoid now?

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Ellis, your whole thing below about him being false because things were not true tells me you cannot see thigns from his view point.

 

Do you think a man ever wants to go limp in the middle of the act? Come on? That's not what he wants?

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Think about it folks, if he's sitting around all morning masturbating to porn, then can't get it up a few minutes later do you really, seriously think it's EllisBreaks fault for being too demanding and not sensitive enough? He's letting her take a back seat to his online surfing sessions and she's not being reasonable?

 

Performance anxiety tends to come about in a new relationship, not one that's been in existence for a while. Sure, guys can fail to do admirably in bed on the odd occasion when there's a bunch of stuff going on with them but generally they talk to their SO about it. No guy likes to go down in action and he's not likely to let it pass without comment or a reason unless the reason is something he things won't go over too well.

 

I'm not sure what's going on, perhaps it does have something to do with the pregnancy. Hopefully if that's the case he'll be willing to talk about it.

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I can understnad that it is difficult to magine a man masturbating, then not being horny, but the thing is there is defintiely something going on in his head, on a subconscious level, so it is not something he controls.

 

His conscious mind is probably as troubled as hers is, and he is running scared form living lift as a limp ____.

 

The key is to get him to address the issue without feeling pressured. He is not going to be able to change thigns over night and get it on this afternoon.

 

I think I've read enough about men with porn additictions to understand that too much porn and too much masturbation can get in the way, so cutting it out can help.

 

Otherwise, I would suggest some self-hypnosis recordings.

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Think about it folks, if he's sitting around all morning masturbating to porn, then can't get it up a few minutes later do you really, seriously think it's EllisBreaks fault for being too demanding and not sensitive enough? He's letting her take a back seat to his online surfing sessions and she's not being reasonable?

 

Well she did say that he wasn't expecting her back and if she has no problem with him masturbating maybe he ran out of gas and literally COULDNT go again with her - regardles of whether he wanted to? She did afterall say he was having some sort of 'marathon' .... whatever ...

 

On the closing his eyes thing, I can't understand that. I like seeing her, watching, kissing, etc... I'd go as far as to say that I need to have my eyes open for most of it. Thinking of which if I need to calm/slow down occasionally I'll close my eyes and think of something that wont turn me on so i can last longer. Maybe he was doing that?

 

Personally I just think you're hormonal and over-reacting a bit, I know people will flame me for saying that but I honestly feel that way. The only two potential problems I see is his masturbation - which you have no problem with - and your being pregnant and him either not wanting to 'do' a pregnant girl (fears etc) or performance anxiety...... unless you wanna bring that up with him I'd say just relax.

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Ok I'm really starting to get bitter here.

 

Lastnight, nothing. Snuggles, kisses, spooning. I can't believe i'm about to say this, but it's really starting to make me B-I-T-T-E-R!

 

This morning ~! Complete frustration.

 

He wakes up and suggles up to me, he starts fondling my breasts. I'm getting super turned on and moaning. Showing interest and rubbing up against him............. Then nothing. "Are you getting up now Honey?!!"

 

Ugh, now at this very moment he's probably sitting infront of the computer hard as a rock. I think i'm gonna be sick.

 

I'm actually beginning to think it would be better being alone! At least there won't be no expectations, and getting my stupid hopes up only to be let down every night and morning. I feel so ugly!

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ok. When your girlfriend has to be jealous of the freakin' porn, that's too much porn. I had a guy do this to me. Tell me that he wasn't feeling sexy at 11pm and then when I go to bed at 12am, 12:30am he is in there whacking off to porn.

 

Do you guys that do this, have any idea how damaging that is to a woman's ego? That would be like us, telling you to your faces,"I would rather have my vibrator than you. It stays hard forever, it's bigger than you, it never talks, will never cheat on me, and it freakin' vibrates!!!!" How would a guy feel about that???

 

Sorry, but this makes me very angry. Instead of giving excuses about why you don't want to have sex with your gf and would rather look at porn, why don't you just tell her the truth? Say this right to her face,"Sorry babe. I didn't want to have sex with you because I wanted to look at hotter women with huge titties bouncing around, acting (and I stress ACTING) like they love it. That is what really gets me off. I would rather fantasize about putting my penis in them than actually putting my penis in you."

 

You may not be saying this outloud to her face, but believe me, possums, that is indeed what you are saying to her with your actions..

 

I know all guys don't do this... this message is for the ones that do.

 

And furthermore, don't you DARE get mad at me for telling you that it's bothering me. Don't tell me it's stupid, it's just porn... If that were the case, then you wouldn't have an issue with stopping looking at it. I mean, GOD... ..rolls eyes.. It's just porn.

 

And to all those who feel the urge to say,"Would you rather your man think about cheating or actually cheat?"

 

So, what? That's your excuse? Porn is keeping my man faithful? He will either watch porn or cheat? BS! So, even though it makes me feel unattractive, bad about myself, and paranoid that when he is having sex with me he's thinking of these other women and wishing that I were them, I should be grateful to porn for keeping my man faithful? f that. A cheatin' man is going to cheat. Period.

 

I am not an unreasonable woman. I know that dudes are going to look at porn. I know that no matter how much it hurts the women they are with, they will still look at it. I don't think there is a problem until it begins to interfere with the sexual dynamic within the relationship. And it does.

 

And I love this one. "It's just people shagging. It's harmless." No. ..shakes head.. it is not harmless if it is causing the woman you are with harm. Dig? If you watching porn makes your woman feel sick, is that harmless? Is porn, which you say is harmless, worth losing your relationship over? Is it really? Oh yeah. Getting off to other people shagging is totally a reason to hurt your girlfriend or wife. I mean, really, I don't know why anyone has a relationship anymore at all. Porn is the perfect cure for this insidious disease we call fidelity. Don't 'cha think?

 

Repeat after me, folks... MENTAL CHEATING STILL HURTS!!!

 

oh. And double standards a plenty... The same guy that would rather watch porn than shag me, got completely irate when he found a picture of a very well dressed Colin Farrell on my computer. ??? Seriously. I should be required to wear a huge scarlett letter A on my chest for all eternity for having a single photo of Colin Farrell on my computer. ..shakes head in amazement.. I fear I would have been labeled a harlot and stoned to death if that had been a naked picture of Colin Farrell. But he could look at whatever he wanted and actually said to me,"What I do with my D..k is none of your business." Oh, Contrere... It is very much my business if I am your girlfriend and we are sexually active. Let me tell you, that's a verrrry comforting thing to tell your girlfriend. uh huh.

 

But hey... Now, what I do with my pusetta is none of his buisiness, because I left his azz. Now he's cryin' "I didn't understand how much it hurt you at the time! I miss you! I love you!" Um. Yeah. Nothing says that better than 30 gigs worth of porn.

 

I would love to say that I'm sorry for the rant, but... I'm not.

 

As for EllisBreaks... When you are pregnant, you are hypersensitive. It doesn't help that your boyfriend is currently having a little too much fun with his porn. Believe me... he will change his tune if you put your p...y on lockdown. Also, the libido increases in pregnant women. Don't cry about it, darlin... Next time he says he's feeling pressured, Shrug, say "ok" and pull your vibrator out and get off right in front of him. You don't need him to get off either.

 

I wish you luck and I hate you are having to go through this mess at a very sensitive time in your life.

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Men change a lot when they/you become pregnant...thieir lives are going to change, yours too... forever! it's a tough nut to crack...it's not just you and him...it's the three of you.

He's going through a MAJOR change of life...not that he doesn't want to, of course he does, he loves you and your child...but in the grand scheme of things...getting off as opposed to the responsibilities he is facing, for the rest of his life, and yours, and your baby's...gettin' hard is pretty minor...

give him space... and cuddle. Let him know it's OK not to perform! I think ( and hope ), he's got you and yours in mind!

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Wow Toribee! You go! Great post.

 

All kidding aside, I can hear how badly you are hurting in your words, and i'm sorry for what you went through. I can sympathise with you when you talk of our egos, and what they do to kill them when they would rather watch strangers fake it online, then have sex with us.

 

I haven't ever felt so low, and unattractive in my life as i do right now. I'm getting bigger and bigger, there's absolutley nothing I can do about it, and he just doesn't seem to want me.

 

He woke me up lastnight in the middle of the night, I guess he couldn't sleep or something, he was just lying in bed having a smoke.

 

I put the moves on him and he didn't turn me down. He didn't go limp either (thank god, I probably would have lost it.) But it did seem somewhat passionless and more like a quickie. At this point, though I will not complain *laughs*. I guess it really can't be much more at 4:30 in the morning, when we are both up at 6:30, so what am i complaining for?

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Yep... That's a sore spot with me. Unfortunately, it's carrying over into my new relationship. It's getting harder and harder to resist tearing that playboy that is sitting on the back of his toilet to shreds. .. I don't care if he looks at it... I just don't want to know about it. I don't want to have to see it because it makes me feel bad about myself. Yes. That is more my problem than his. But, our sex life is great so I should just chill on that issue.

 

At least your boyfriend is cuddling with you... The guy that I was dating that had the porn problem acted like he couldn't stand the sight of me and then when I left, he broke down into tears because he "didn't realize how much he loved me until then" ... I said,"I guess it will be a pretty tough task to get that porn to keep you warm at night.." Goodbye. So Long. Get Lost. F off.

 

hehe... you should set his home page to one of those pregnant women porn sites... MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!... nah. I'm not evil. Not at all.

 

Well.. It may have been quick, but at least you got some. That is a step in the right direction.

 

Was there a sexual problem between you two before the pregnancy?

 

here is an interesting article. I hope some of these postings will help you...

link removed

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hehe... you should set his home page to one of those pregnant women porn sites... MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!... nah. I'm not evil. Not at all.

 

Well.. It may have been quick, but at least you got some. That is a step in the right direction.

 

Was there a sexual problem between you two before the pregnancy?

 

here is an interesting article. I hope some of these postings will help you...

 

The part in bold just made me realize something!!!! That day he went limp, before we started to have sex.... We were talking about porn, and different kinds, because he was in the middle of downloading some... and believe it or not, it was plump chicks. I was SHOCKED. But he watches a plethora of things, for variety. I was shocked about the fat chicks one though. I thought bigger women turned him off completely. Obviously not.

 

In the past, he told me that he couldn't wait until I got huge, I didn't believe him. I thought he was only saying that to make me feel better.

 

Then I mentioned that I had seen some pregnant porn the last time i was searching. He said that he had seen some in the past too, but he didn't like it

 

That just completely answered my question right there now didn't it????????

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It seems as though it has.

 

It seems to me that he has become desensitized to "normal" porn. You can only watch so much of the same thing before it starts to bore you. That is why, I think, that porn being so readily available is a bad thing. There is nothing forbidden anymore. Where is the fun in that?? I would much prefer having to dress up like a man, go down in a dirty back alley, and troll the store for the porn all the while praying that no one I know sees me there... It's just more interactive. And that would come accross in the pleasure you would get from looking at it.

 

Porn used to be an event. You had to leave your house to get it. You had to either go to a shady, yet exciting part of town, or a movie theater.

(another one of the reasons that I hate internet porn is that I used to design many of their websites. Believe me. It ALL becomes boring after a while. And, there are some things I wish I could unsee. yuck. so not hot.)

 

I was much more of a sexually liberal type person before that a-hole I dated that just couldn't live without his virtual titties... He stole my ability to not care if my boyfriend watched porn. And, he liked to play porn in the bedroom, which I vetoed when I noticed he wasn't paying a bit of attention to me. He never took his eyes off the screen, and then couldn't understand why I felt like he should tip me for blowing him. sheesh.

 

If he can't even watch pregnant porn than I wouldn't be too worried if I were you. That does make a lot of sense. Some men just view their wives and girlfriends differently when they are carrying their child. That still doesn't help YOU though, does it? The affection is good. Kudos to him for at least knowing that much.

 

I suggest maybe getting on your hands and knees... or bend over the bed as it could hide your belly and he wouldn't think about it so much.

 

I suppose you could equate his loss of erection to something similar... I lose my orgasm sometimes. Yes. I know. Stop laughing. Now. Seriously. I have to concentrate sometimes and just when there is enough seismic activity for the big one to hit, he will speak. It never fails. The orgasm is lost and I have to start all over, which takes FOREVER! So, I usually just give up and concede defeat. So, it's not his fault, well... it is... but not in the way that should make him fear that I am no longer attracted to him. He of course, doesn't have to worry that I'll be in the living room with my vibrator watching porn while he is sleeping in the next room. (well..porn hasn't been a problem with my new relationship... hopefully it doesn't become an issue. I am soooo not above throwing that computer out the window should he turn into someone that treats me like my ex did. That may just cause me to snap.) I have to constantly remind myself that Josh is NOT Paul. Paul was just sooo bad to me that I can't believe that there are good people out there. Sad. But, enough about that...

 

Perhaps this is just a phase and will pass. I certainly hope so. This is not something you want to put up with for long, because the damage is astronomical, and I don't know if it can be reversed. I'm working on it though. I wish I didn't worry about such things.

 

Thumbs up on getting laid!!!! \\

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