internet dating what to watch out for and how do you know when its time to meet?

[annie24]

You can just send him a simple message, 'hey - I would really like to meet you over coffee sometime this week, how about it?"

 

don't beat yourself up, live and learn. besides, maybe he's not all that..... you don't know, haven't met him in person.

[sonador]

well i couldn't wait anymore so i sent him a casual email.

 

I know, i am a woman i'm not supposed to be the first one to make the move or anything, i'm supposed to let a guy chase me not the other way around, but i couldn't wait. I thought i'd send him an email anyway and see if he does reply. He can't avoid an email - well he can he can just read it and delete it, i suppose but that's harder to ignore than instant msgs on msn or on the dating site right? So if he doesn't reply and if he doesn't speak to me at all i'll know this guy is just like most of the other guys, a big jerk.

 

But anyway, i emailed him and asked him if he was feeling better bcoz he wasn't feeling well the last time we chatted and i told him that i hope i hadn't said anything wrong to him to put him off.

 

Then i told him about my weekend. Then after that i ended the email with hope he had a good weekend and i hope that we chat soon because i've enjoyed our conversations, but if we don't i'll take it that he no longer wishes to communicate with me.

 

Thats casual enough annie or anyone else, right? Or did i go a bit ott? oh well....we'll see if he does reply...if he doesn't that is it, i give up!

[Batya33]

If a man told me he wasn't ready to meet up yet, I would tell him to call me when he was but I wasn't willing to spend time IMing, or talking by phone more than a few phone conversations at most. All I was contemplating was a 45 minute cup of coffee - if he wasn't willing to do that then I wasn't willing to put in more time. If he changed his mind later on he could call but risk that I had met someone else in the meantime (which often happened)

 

I don't think anyone should chase anyone but if you reject the idea of meeting and then change your mind you can let him know that as you did.

[sonador]

If he replies to my email or talks to me again i might tell him that i think i changed my mind - that is if he does! if he doesn't reply to my email or talk to me this week that's it, he is out of my mind, plenty other fish in the sea whatevs.

[annie24]

why would you tell him that you changed your mind? I think that since you turned him down, it was your job to say "hey, let's hang out." Like batya said, I think you should have actually suggested meeting. You never suggested meeting in your e-mail, you just reopened the conversation.

 

If he does write back, ask to meet him for coffee. If he doesn't reply, then forget it. But i certainly wouldn't play this "yo-yo" game where you are hot and cold all the time. If this is what you are doing, then you are not ready to be dating.

[sonador]

No annie don't misunderstand me,

 

i'm not playing a yo yo game. I'm just.......well...scared. That's why i said no the first time and then after, i regretted it.

 

I tell you why i am scared:

 

14 years ago in high school i was bullied by boys. I have been bullied when i was at school my whole life. So, the thought of even dating or talking to a guy scares me, because my whole life i have been thinking 'guys are mean'.

 

So as sweet as Vishesh (that's his name) is, i just got scared again when he asked me. I mean, i don't know what this guy could be like face to face. He could be mean, he could have just said all these things to sweeten me up to meet him so he could do something terrible, i don't know, but those were the thoughts i had at the time. And since talking to my friends about this, they told me i was a complete idiot and i agree with them. Stupid me. Next time i meet a Mr Sensitive online, i'm going to say yes, call my friends and get them to hide somewhere were they can see me and just go with the flow.

 

You can see where i'm coming from after telling you what i went through as a kid.

[annie24]

If he replies to my email or talks to me again i might tell him that i think i changed my mind - that is if he does! if he doesn't reply to my email or talk to me this week that's it, he is out of my mind, plenty other fish in the sea whatevs.

 

Ah, I took what you were saying that if he does call you, you will tell him you have changed your mind AGAIN and don't want to see him.

 

sorry, i misunderstood.

[sonador]

no i do want to meet him....but like i said a huge part of me was scared, for all the reasons above in my last post.

well he hasn't been online all day nor has he replied to my email -i do wish hotmail had this way of us knowing that our sent mail has been read.

 

Well if he has read it and cannot be bothered to reply he's rude and not at all the sensitive caring guy he says he is in his profile. i'm giving him one week. and in the meantime i'll continue on with my search for love or whatever

[Batya33]

I wouldn't blame him if he doesn't respond - he might want to limit his contact to contact with people who are sincere about wanting to meet in person ASAP and have resolved any issues they have about meeting in person before interacting with someone else. I might feel if I were him that you wasted my time with e-mailing and phone calls if indeed you had unresolved issues about meeting in person.

 

I often declined to meet in person because the phone call raised red flags or we had nothing to talk about but I never said I needed "more time" to decide unless he asked me through e-mail without agreeing to talk by phone or he asked me within the first 5 minutes of the phone call before I had a chance to have any type of conversation. I sometimes got asked out on email by men who refused to talk by phone (i.e. they probably were married/attached) but most men didn't get around to the "when should we meet" until 10 minutes or more into the phone call.

 

If you're not prepared to take the risk of a 45 minute coffee during the day in a public place after a few e-mails and a few phone calls then I would seriously reconsider whether the on line route to meeting people is right for you. Of course you can always decline but to expect someone to invest more time than this guy did in speaking to you before you will meet him is unfair, in my opinion.

[sonador]

I'm an idiot - and a stupid one at that.

 

Oh well.....back to the drawing board.

[Batya33]

Nothing to do with intelligence! This type of meeting is not for everyone. Before I did internet dating I had done blind dates and print personal ads for over 10 years before that so it wasn't a big deal to me. Some people who advertise on a dating site are cool with being email penpals for a long time before meeting but since my only goal in internet dating was to find a serious relationship and I had enough friends/e-mail penpals I didn't want more or have time for more.

[sonador]

I am looking for a serious relationship! That's the thing. I liked this guy. What did i say wrong to him? Why did i not just say yes? Why did i let my head do the thinking and not my heart? See i'm stupid. I cant stop thinking about this. I know, he's a strange guy and i shouldn't start with the i can't stop thinking about him speech until we actually meet, but i thought we had some sort of connection - we spent every night last week talking till 1 in the morning! He hasn't replied to my emails. I guess he's blocked me. Although why i don't know. I wish i knew what i said wrong

[Batya33]

You had a connection to an on line persona and a voice. Far different from a connection for purposes of a romantic relationship. I advise meeting in person ASAP so you don't build up expectations about a "connection" with someone you've never met in person but are interested in dating.

 

Again, this way of meeting is not for everyone and if it's not for you it doesn't mean you are avoiding a serious relationship.

[Beec]

Amen Batya33!!! never have I felt that I had wasted my time so much as when I talked to a person a whole bunch before meeting them, when I was dating, with people who I first came in contact with on line.

 

I met and dated lots of women that I connected with via some website. There were many I had no attraction to, some I think that were not attracted to me, some with whom I just had no chemistry. When we met and went out for something simple soon after intial contact, I could much more easily accept a lousy date. When I had invested time in multiple conversations and emails, it bugged me a lot. Contact, connect, meet, and go from there. Don't take too long, it is a waste of time.

[sonador]

He's online! And we're talking!

 

He was in hospital for 4 days with a very high fever. But he's better now and he's talking to me i'm so happy.

 

He's asking me how i would describe my perfect date - i don't know what answer to give him. I've never dated. How would i picture a perfect date? LOL

 

We have discussed meeting up for coffee when he's better

[Batya33]

I would write back

 

"I am looking forward to meeting you when you are feeling better. As far as how I would describe my perfect date, let's save that for when we meet - I much prefer talking in person to typing."

[sonador]

I told him something along the lines of "my idea of a perfect date would be if the guy i was on the date with did every thing he could to make the date perfect in the most nicest way possible - or something like that. That sounds ok right?

[annie24]

um, well.... that's not what I would have written, but that's just me. I think that the purpose of batya's suggestion was to show him that you are genuinely interested in meeting him and want to take the relationship offline.

[sonador]

We spoke again this morning for about an hour but like about 20 mins into the conversation he goes to me 'do you want to meet me for coffee.'

 

I say yeah ok. where when? are you coming to Epsom - which is close to where i live, like about 10 minutes away, he at first is silent and then he goes " I was thinking more along the lines of meeting in Southall or Hounslow". Ok that's like a 40 minute drive down from where i live. He lives two hours away from me. I do not drive. if i did i woudln't mind driving down there.

 

But when he discovered it was a 2 hour drive from his place to where i live he was like "maybe its best if we got to know each other more before we meet"

 

OMG! I mean god what does he want? he either wants to meet me or he doesn't - why does he chop and change his mind at the last minute?

 

I am happy with waiting. i wanted to wait a while the first time around, but i'm like thinking though, just how interested in me is he? if he was like really interested, he wouldn't mind driving down a couple of hours right?

 

I'm not being unreasonable or anything. The guy is prob still recovering from being really ill in hospital so its understandable that he is not going to drive 2 hours to come and meet me...i just wish i knew what exactly is going through his mind. Is he really interested in me? i don't know.

 

oh god i do ramble on...i'm stopping now. someone tell me what you think this guy thinks.

[Batya33]

I told him something along the lines of "my idea of a perfect date would be if the guy i was on the date with did every thing he could to make the date perfect in the most nicest way possible - or something like that. That sounds ok right?

 

Not what I would write either. To me the perfect date means where both people put in effort to make the evening fun and interesting and leave both people wanting to spend more time together.

 

I would not have written what you wrote in an e-mail, since to him you are a virtual stranger and he might think from your response that he has to jump through hoops the first time you meet (which to me isn't a real date but just a meeting - you really can't expect a man to ask out someone on a date he has never met in person).

 

Do you really expect the man to have the entire burden of making a date "perfect?"

[sonador]

that's true. oh god i didnt know how to answer this guy did i? oh well.....

 

but you still haven't told me what you think of my latest post batya33.

[Batya33]

I just read it. I don't think it's a good idea to meet him given the distance and the other circumstances.

[sonador]

I just read it. I don't think it's a good idea to meet him given the distance and the other circumstances.

 

Why do you think that? What's your theory?

[annie24]

yeah, this situation just kind of sounds like a mess. does he know you do not drive? I have certainly had men drive several hours to meet me.

 

yeah, kind of what batya was saying, I'm not sure that answer for "the perfect date" is what I would have said. I'm not trying to come down hard on you, just to help you out for next time. the answer is very vague and kind of demanding, like "make everything perfect." I interpreted that to mean that he shows up with flowers and a gift, then takes you to the best restaurant in town, orders champagne, then gets the violinist to play for you, then takes you on a horse-drawn carriage ride. that's perfect if for a proposal, but it's kind of over the top. I think it may send the message to him that you are high maintence and only want the finest things in life. Or, if you are like that and that's what you want, then maybe it is a perfectly fine answer. I like batya's answer where you enjoy each others' company. For example, one of my favorite dates of all time was when we BBQed at my house with some friends, and then afterwards, took a walk on the beach and watched the stars. that was a perfect date for me.

 

anyway, like I said, not trying to come down hard on you, just trying to help

 

But when he discovered it was a 2 hour drive from his place to where i live he was like "maybe its best if we got to know each other more before we meet"

 

As for this..... I mean..... that's how you get to know each other - meet in person and see if there is anything there or not. I don't think more phone calls would help at this stage. Just meet, see how the chemistry is, and then go home. Maybe you can meet him halfway, is there a bus from your city to a location near the middle? if you still want to meet him, you can do that, and meet for lunch and a walk or something.

[Batya33]

Why do you think that? What's your theory?

 

For the reasons Annie gave and because between you waffling about meeting him, him waffling about meeting you, the complications with the locations and where to meet (and yes I think meeting in the middle is fair) and him wanting to be e-mail buddies for even longer, I would cut my losses and move on to someone who lives closer by and is more focused on meeting in person as soon as possible.