My Boyfriends Kids are Driving me Insane

[summerpeach]

Hi all, I'm new here. Hoping you can all help me with a HUGE issue I have

I'm having a problem with my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs. We are both in our 40's (both divorced) and the problem is this...HIS KIDS!

I don't have kids and never wanted kids, especially not someone else's kids I do love my boyfriend dearly, but his kids drive me INSANE!

I've tried over the past 2 yrs to spend time with his kids. He's a good Dad (not all the time but most of the time) and loves his kids like crazy. He has them every second weekend and one night during the week.

His kids are 12 and 10. Their emotional behavior is that of 3-5 yr olds. They are spoiled, needy and always whining about something. I don't blame the kids for this behavior. I blame the parents and their families.

My boyfriend, his ex (who he's on great terms with) and his family are all very smothering. There is no independence in this family. When they all go to a restaurant, the Grandfather will take the son to the bathroom (he's 12 yrs old remember) b/c he is terrified he will be kidnapped.

They will also not let the kids outside to play for the same fear. These kids live such a secluded existence which has made them needy and dependent on adults to make their fun and entertainment.

When I first met his kids, I went to my b/f's house. These kids were jumping all over him and whining for his attention. Then at the end of my first night meeting these kids, I wanted my b/f to walk me to the elevator so I can give him a nice kiss in private, but he asked his kids to come to the elevator with us..WEIRD! When I asked him why he did this he said "Cause I don't want my kids to think they come second". I was like "what are u talking about? Five mins of adult time after 4 hrs with your kids is not showing them they come second" ugh!

His son also suffers debilitating bouts of anxiety which brings on migraine followed by hrs of this kid in fetal position and vomiting. I told my b/f he needs to get his son to a therapist and a MD (for tests) He tells me him and his ex feel the boy will "grow out of it"

My boyfriend and his ex take ZERO responsibility for their two kids well being.

I can go on and on with stories, but bottom line, these kids are needy, emotionally immature, whiney, spoiled and lack total life skills.

I'm not one of these women that feels I should come 1st, b/c I truly respect his kids come first. I love that he loves his kids. I'm also a very indepedent NO NEEDY person.

I truly want to love these kids, but I can't. I dread when I have to see them. Being ONLY the g/f I have zero say in how these kids are raised. Though I have confronted my b/f's family on how they do not allow these kids their freedoms. It all fell on deaf ears.

How can I see a future with my b/f if I cannot stand his kids?!

By the way, I like kids. I love my nieces and nephews and my friends kids. Who, by the way, all act accordingly

 

Any input would be SO greatly appreciated. I'm on the verge of dumping my b/f over this.

[russ978]

Hey Summerpeach!

 

I'm sorry that you are being put in this obviously difficult situation.

 

You said you don't want kids. If his kids are 10 and 12, they haven't even really started the trouble with sneaking out of the house, learning to drive, heck...they are 3-5 years away from even entering high school.

 

You boyfriend has stressed that his kids come first. This is an admirable trait but it is completely reasonable for you to have some expectations of 'adult time.' If you 'can't stand' his kids, it isn't likely something that you will become used to. Not many people could fault you for thinking of breaking up with him over this issue, it is completely your right to break up with him over this and if you think it will lead to your happiness, you should.

 

How aware is your boyfriend of the fact that you are so frustrated and annoyed with the general situation? I would recommend talking about the issues that are bothering you.

 

How long have you two been dating? You could always start dating other people (As long as your boyfriend is aware) to 'see what else is out there.' Chances are that if you aren't a huge fan of children, the relationship won't work out. Your boyfriend may be thinking the same thoughts about dating a woman who isn't interested in his children but doesn't know how to approach the situation either. Opening the floor for conversation is your best bet in my opinion. Keep your self interest in mind and do whatever you believe will make you happy.

 

Best of luck!

[undeniyable]

Give it time. You have been with him for 2 yrs. Do you guys live together??

[summerpeach]

Russ, we've been together two years.

Undeniyable, we do not live together. I've lived alone for 7 yrs now.

 

Russ....yes, my b/f is very well aware of my feelings in this situation. I've dicussed it with him on many occasions that we should take a "break" to see if this is what we both really want. He agrees then, one week into it, he calls saying "I love you and want to be with you"

I'm a very open person and will never hold back on how I feel, as I would wish for someone to be with me.

He makes all kinds of promises that he will work on the kid situation (paying closer attention to his kids issues), but he never follows through.

I do love him, but I want to get away so bad. I'll be devastated, but I'm really not happy.

My B/f also promised he would seek therapy for him and his kids, again, never followed through.

His son starts high school in 3 weeks (What a reality check that will be for him). In Canada high school starts at grade 7 for 12-13 yr olds.

 

I could stand his kids if they would just learn some behaviors that did't make them so needy and whiney.

His ex suffers emotional issues (bi polar) and smokes a lot of dope. They are wealthy and Jewish, go figure!

[Miss Firecracker]

It's your boyfriend you don't like. The children are just the warning of what is to come. Why on earth would you consider a relationship with values so different from your own?

 

Don't hate him children. Pity them.

[Ash]

Part of it could be that many kids around that age seem to totally lose their common sense and though processing abilty for a few years. I have a few in that stage of life at the moment although they're not as tough to deal with as you describe. An over protective environment can aggravate the situation for sure. Time for the kids to learn to deal with the real world on their own a bit more. Perhaps talk to your bf about putting them into situations they have to handle themselves. It doesn't need to be unsafe at all if that's his fear.

 

Possibly he's trying to overprotect them from his breakup with their mother. Perhaps he and his ex are too concerned about the mechanics of that and how it has affected each of them to realize that the children need guidance through that as well. How long has he been divorced?

 

The anxiety attacks, migraines, illness is a huge concern. Something is not right there. I'd caution against just letting him "grow out" of them since that's NOT a condition he ever should have "grown into" in the first place. There are some issues there. Anxiety attacks tend to be the result of an emotional difficult rather than a physical one. You don't tend to grow out of emotional problems unless a fundamental change in situation occurs. Your bf really has to take that more seriously. He's not looking out for the kids to let that go unchecked.

 

Sounds like the issue for you is specifically with these two kids, not kids in general. They don't live with you 24/7 so it's not really like they run the household. Again, I'm concerned for the children's well being and I suspect if they were more stable emotionally you wouldn't mind them nearly so much and may even grow to like/love them.

 

See if you can urge your bf to seek professional help for them. It can't hurt even just to talk to a counsellor. It doesn't have to be a big ordeal, just a friendly chat with somebody who may be able to give you (either you and bf, or all four of you) some ways to help with the situation.

[fnlyfrei]

Yeah...that would be a deal-breaker for me too...can you imagine being married to him someday and dealing with all of this? This is insanity.

[downward spiral]

All I can say is really, you are the one who kept up with this guy knowing he had kids. you made a bed now you lay in it. You said you never wanted kids especially someone elses and yet you dated a guy with kids. ODD.

That aside, if you are serious about this guy, you need to lay down rules when they are at your place. i went through this with my ex who had a little girl. She had no idea how to raise a child, her parents were EVIL. I hated the way the little girl was. I also know that children want discipline, they wont say it, but they want it. They test it, the boundries. After almost breaking up over the little girl and her complaining ways, her mom, my GF said what does she need to do. I said, when we are here at my house, as that is the only place I can control things. There are rules, these rules will be followed. That is it. It was hard at first, the little girl hated me, wanted to go to grandmas all the time. Eventually my GF moved in full time and the girl ended up being a great kid and hates her grandparents, NOT MY DOING

[shes2smart]

I don't have kids and never wanted kids, .

 

Well, there's your problem there. Seriously. Beyond this statement, the rest is details.

 

I also don't have kids, never wanted them, and in fact, I'd go so far as to say I don't particulary like the little knee biters.

 

I am not going to magically turn into mommy or step-mommy material, and I'm guessin' neither are you...no matter how much you love this guy. He was, is, and always will be a "package deal." (If he's a good parent, he will be a parent his entire life...even when his kids are in their 30's, 40's and beyond) Wouldn't matter if they were the best-behaved, well-mannered, most perfect kids in the world...if you don't like/want kids they're still going to be kids, and that'll be enough to make you crazy.

 

I also learned this lesson the hard way. Last bf not only had a child...but a developmentally disabled child who lived with him (by chronological age she was an adult, by mental age she was probably 11-13 yrs old). Before I agreed to move in with him, he swore up and down there were arrangements for her to move to assisted living when she was done with school. Long story short, there were no such arrangements and I ended up being this child's caretaker every time he left town on business (a few days every other week) the entire time I lived with him. It was the reason I moved out after a little over a year, although I continued to see him for several more months until I caught him cheating and broke up with him entirely.

 

This is one of those issues where there is no way to compromise. You cannot be what you are not. He cannot be what he is not. While you may be compatible in other ways, this one area is big enough and takes up enough of life that it overshadows any other compatibility/chemistry you may have. It sounds to me like you're discovering that now.

[summerpeach]

It's your boyfriend you don't like. The children are just the warning of what is to come. Why on earth would you consider a relationship with values so different from your own?

 

Don't hate him children. Pity them.

 

I do not hate his kids at all. Hate is a strong word. When I say can't "stand" it really means I cannot stand being with them. Sorry if I made it sound like hate. I did say it was not their fault, but the parents.

 

And you're right, as much as I love my b/f, I've come to dislike him. This is not something you discover on the first date, It takes time to see someone's values.

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, it does. And you shouldn't feel guilt for ending a relationship that you have discovered isn't for you. It's your life we're talking about. Men, in my experience, either have a spine or they don't.

 

This man doesn't have it in my opinion.

 

Hope you get this taken care of.

[summerpeach]

Ash, thanks for this reply.

I have talked to my b/f on so many occasions about this. He gets defensive and says "My kids are fine" when deep down he knows they are not

 

Him and his ex have been divorced for 4 yrs now.

 

A few months back, we all went out to get groceries and I forgot to get something. So I asked his son to go get it for me. My b/f right away said "I'll go with him"

I pulled his arm gently and said "he can do it himself"

The boy went to get me what I needed and you can see he was thrilled that he handled himself.

The kids are not resisting the independence, the parents are not allowing it.

I can see my boyfriends family treat my boyfriend this way also.

Like I said, a very smothering family.

 

I will try one last attempt to get my boyfriend into therapy, but that really should not be my responsibility since we are both adults. But I will try.

 

 

and you're bang on, if these kids were more stable, I would love not dread seeing them. But I feel like I'm with toddlers

 

Oh and footnote, His 10 yr old daughter is very overweight. They also do not monitor her eating. So sad!

[vinnee]

After reading your description of his kids, I agree there is a problem. I have a 9 year old that is way more independent than that; he could probably be counted on to babysit your b/f's kids. If he had anxiety attacks and migraines to the point of vomiting I would not be waiting for him to grow out of it. That is skirting the edge of neglect.

As a parent, we are not responsible only for seeing that our kids are not kidnapped or harmed by others. We are not raising children; we are raising potential adults. They are not pets and they will need life skills to be able to function.

But you are right, you can't decide how these kids are raised and you will come second to these kids for a long as you are in this relationship. If the kids bother you this much, you have no business being in a relationship with this man. While I don't agree with the way he is raising his kids, I also don't agree with someone who dreads interacting with them being a part of their lives. Kids pick up on that sort of thing.

I suggest moving on or staying on the condition that these kids be taken to a professional and an MD. I consider the current situation to be a form of abuse if neither parent is willing to see to these kid's future well being and immediate health issues.

[russ978]

My B/f also promised he would seek therapy for him and his kids, again, never followed through.

 

His son starts high school in 3 weeks (What a reality check that will be for him). In Canada high school starts at grade 7 for 12-13 yr olds.

 

I could stand his kids if they would just learn some behaviors that did't make them so needy and whiney.

 

His ex suffers emotional issues (bi polar) and smokes a lot of dope. They are wealthy and Jewish, go figure!

 

If your boyfriend has said he would look into therapy for his kids and he has the money to afford it (which you said he does), then that is something he really needs to look into if his kids are such an issue for you. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist and I'm sure that much of the behavior his children exibit is due to something they are tring to express to someone, they just don't know how.

 

Hopefully, once the kids are back in school, things will settle down and you'll get back to a stage in your relationship that has led you to be with your boyfriend for 2 years.

[summerpeach]

you make great points and you're right about why was I with him if I knew he has kids. Sometimes love has no rhyme or reason right?

Him and I were friends..ONLY Friends for a while. It was all good. Then things got deeper, I got lost in it but thought "hey just maybe having kids around would be nice"

And at times, I still think this way. I wouldn't want kids full time, but sometimes it's great. I love hanging with my friends kids and my niece and nephew, but b/c his kids are TOO difficult to be around, it makes it tougher.

 

 

I've told my b/f, when his kids are at my house, they have to follow my rules and they try, When I asked them to be careful when eating, they are. They are actually polite kids with good heart, but they are just so needy and whiny. That is what drives me MAD!

[summerpeach]

This is one of those issues where there is no way to compromise. You cannot be what you are not. He cannot be what he is not. While you may be compatible in other ways, this one area is big enough and takes up enough of life that it overshadows any other compatibility/chemistry you may have. It sounds to me like you're discovering that now.

 

This paragraph is hitting me like a ton of bricks right now.

This is tough to swollow when you love someone, but you are 101% correct

[Ash]

Summerpeach, from what you describe it does seem to be more an issue with your bf than the kids. It's a good sign that the boy was able to handle the situation at the store and was happy about being allowed to be independent. It doesn't sound like he has a crippling emotional problem. Whether you stay on the scene and in the relationship or not I hope for the children's sake that your bf handle sthe situation differently. The kids deserve a better change than the overly sheltered existence they appear to be living in.

 

You're right, your bf is an adult and should take some responsibility for himself. The kids on the other hand need somebody looking our for their well being (not to be confused with being over protected from the outside world).

 

I take it there's no point talking to your bf's parents since it seems to be a family issue?

[summerpeach]

Yes, it does. And you shouldn't feel guilt for ending a relationship that you have discovered isn't for you. It's your life we're talking about. Men, in my experience, either have a spine or they don't.

 

This man doesn't have it in my opinion.

 

Hope you get this taken care of.

 

wwo, you're a "tell it like it is" kinda gal.....I like that...LOL

 

He is strong in many areas, but with his kids, yes he has no spine

[summerpeach]

You guys are certainly giving me a dose of reality today....which I appreciate.

I would go as far as to say that "I have no biz being in the relationship" b/c I have and am trying to adjust to a situation I'm not familiar with, but you're right when you say it's no good being with them if they know I dread seeing them.

 

I told him last night I was going to move on if he did not get these kids help.

I suspect I'll be walking away

[summerpeach]

If your boyfriend has said he would look into therapy for his kids and he has the money to afford it (which you said he does), then that is something he really needs to look into if his kids are such an issue for you. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist and I'm sure that much of the behavior his children exibit is due to something they are tring to express to someone, they just don't know how.

 

Hopefully, once the kids are back in school, things will settle down and you'll get back to a stage in your relationship that has led you to be with your boyfriend for 2 years.

 

He has the money, but not the spine.

 

Thanks for your encouraging words

[Ash]

This paragraph is hitting me like a ton of bricks right now.

This is tough to swollow when you love someone, but you are 101% correct

 

she2smart speaks very wisely and honestly. It's your life too and you do need to evaluate with all honesty if this is a show stopper for you. In a relationship with a normal, well adjusted 10 and 12 year old even if you were not for having kids you could likely reconcile dealing with the situation for a few years until the children left home. At this age the kids become increasingly more independent and don't need nearly the same level of detailed attention that infants and toddlers need. However, it's still something to contemplate.

 

Don't guilt yourself into a situation that you're not totally happy with. You need to make the choices that suit you best. If you do determine that staying with your bf is not the way to go because of the situation don't blame yourself. Do what you need to.

 

Nobody ever said life (or parenthood) is easy.

[summerpeach]

I spoke with his Dad's girlfriend about it. His Mom lives in a world of denial so forget about her.

This is a family that included the ex wife in gatherings even though my b/f does not want her around. My b/f parents decided it's good for the kids to have the mother invited to family dinners. This is a women that cheated on my ex and though they stay on good tersm, he doesn't want her around.

See how messed up they are?

If my family stayed close with my ex after he cheated on me, I would be pissed!

He stopped talking to his family for 2 yrs b/c they stayed friends with the ex.

So the Dad's G/f agrees the ex should be involved and the kids will adjust with all the love they get (make me gag). I said to her "so what about the boys attacks and the girls weight and the fact that they are emotionally underdeveloped. I said maybe you should all be more concerned about that"

She had nothing to say.

This women talks to the 12 yr old like he's a baby "hello sunshine, how was you day big boy, the clouds are out today so it may rain"

SWEAR TO GOD....it's sickening!

 

Odd family, they are all very loving, but in such denial about these kids.

When I brought his kids around my friends, they all noticed these kids were different

[undeniyable]

Summer. You have been with him for 2 yrs. Not only that, but you two don't live together, so establishing a relationship with his children almost seems impossible. I know you don't have children, so it could be that you're going about the the relationships with them in the wrong way. Have you tried becoming friends with them? I know they have problems--whinny issues, clingy, and etc, but could it be just that they don't get to see their father as often as they want and have a close bond with him?

 

I don't know, but from the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like your bf is making any effort to make you feel comfortable, this situation is weird, because it seems like his life is probably revolved around his children.

[summerpeach]

by the way all, I've never spoke about this in any legnth with anyone other than my Mom, so venting right now is awesome and getting other perspectives is making me feel so much better.

You are all so wise and sweet to offer my up some info that I'm going to use.

Man, I'm 40, you would think I would "get it" by now!

[Ash]

Man, I'm 40, you would think I would "get it" by now!

 

Nope ... we're never old and wise enough to know everything! I have lots of kids kids ( 6 and another on the way), everyday I feel like I "get it" less and less ...