sunflower_girl Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I think I just ended a 1 year relationship with my boyfriend and I just really need to get all of my thoughts together. Any advice/input would be very welcome...I'm feeling numbed right now, but I'm sure that the hurt and depression will set in pretty soon. The story: We went to high school together and I moved to PA for college. He stayed in TX and went to a state universtiy...we decided to continue the relationship. Even though there were rough patches where the long-distance was too hard, we managed to stay together through everything. I love him with all my heart and he loves me back. We're waiting to have sex until marriage and we were both excited at the prospect that I might transfer to his school so that we could be together. The problem is, I feel as if the relationship got to a point where he takes me for granted and no longer put any effort into it. I got into a pretty bad car accident about a week and a half ago and I've been in alot of pain. He went to the emergency room to take care of me but visted only one more time after that. I live ten minutes away from his house he could easily drive by to cheek up on me on his way to work! I often ask him to come by, he often make excuses (I have to do laundry, I got up late, etc). Even though he's working 40 hours a week at the local hardwear store, I feel that, if he reallly wanted, he can make a little time for me. I'm not a needy person, he doesn't have to see me everyday...but I feel that my boyfriend should WANT to see me occasionally. Want hurts the most, and I confronted him about it, was what happened on the 4th of July. He wasn't working that day and I invited him over to celebrate the holiday and meet my family. I waited, and waited and waited... he never showed. When I called to check at 3:30pm, he said that he just woke up. I let it slip and asked if he wanted to come over then, I was still in alot of pain due to the accident and I could use the company. He said in a little bit...so I waited again. He called back two hours later saying that he could not come because it was too close to dinner time. It seems like he throw excuses after excuses at my direction! We are not children, he's turning 20 and I'm 18...if he wanted to visit me, surely he can get in his car and drive over. He does call me regularly, but I just wish that I could see him more often. It feels that my feelings has no merit, we've talked about this issue many times, but nothing changes. Last night, I texted him "You don't have time for a relationship right now" and he texted back "you're right, I don't" Ok, it's over. A part of me is actually releived because I'm getting tired of the confrontations/drama. I don't text back since, frankly, there was nothing left to say after his reply. He admits to not having time for us. He calls a little after, I don't pick up. He texted me again with "So you're just ingoring me now?" I don't reply...what was I suppose to say? He calls at his lunch break (1:30am) and...I picked up. I felt bad. We talked, he said that I was ignoring him and asked if if we were breaking up. that depends on HIM. I love him through both words and actions, but he needs to care more about the relationship. He said that he's the only one who have to drive 10 mins to see me, so sometimes he just doesn't want to get in the car. I would drive to see him, but I only have a permit and besides, my foot is broken right now so, even if I could, I wouldn't be able to. I always make the plans for us, I always have to ask him to hang out...if I didn't, we would never see each other. He hangs up in mid-sentence (maybe his phone died) and call back because I'm now frustrated. I left a message. I told him that a 10 mins drive is not tha bad if you want to see the person you love. During the Spring semester, I actually rode a bus for 6 hours, rode teh subway for the first time, spend the night at the airport in NYC just becaus I wanted to come back to Texas and spend a weekend with him. I would drive around the world for him. I just want some of my effort/love to be returned. Is that too much to ask? I told him to not contact me anymore unless he is willing to make more of an effort. I know I did the right thing, but it feels bad. He loves me and I hate hurting people. Did I do the right thing? What should I do now in order to keep my mind off of him? Link to comment
Dako Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 You did the right thing. If you aren't happy with him, and he'll never change, what more can you do? Love is great, but both of you have to make an effort. Best of luck on a full recovery. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Yeah i agree with Dako... you did the right thing... he should put more effort into spending time with you... not to keep you around just so he can say "i have a girlfriend" ...but then put no effort into. I would also like to add that you sound very mature for an 18yr old. I hope you feel better soon! Link to comment
skyjuice Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hi You make a right decision. Being a doormat in a relationship will make you feel miserable. It is better for both of you in the long run, since he has no time & show no effort. Heal yourself. You deserve better. Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted July 11, 2007 Author Share Posted July 11, 2007 Thank you for the positive words! Right now, I'm thinking that it's impossible to change somone...if he doesn't have time/doesn't show effort, no matter what I do, I won't be able to change that. He must WANT to fix things. But, how do I heal myself? Thinking back, we did have a pretty amazing/exciting relationship. I still remember the midnight walks around the lake, looking for shooting stars, baking together, kissing upside down...etc. These are just really special memories and I don't know how long it will take for me to get over him. We just broke up last night, so the pain is still very fresh. Should I go NC? Link to comment
skyjuice Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hi It will takes time to heal. NC is intend to heal yourself. Heal yourself including getting to know yourself better, reestablish your self-worth, what is your future direction-which industry you want to go to thus study on subject that would lead to it. I believe you can do it based on the fact that you have decided to make a major changes. Besides that, get yourself a hobby. Involve in the community. Make yourself busy with activities, especially during weekends. Weekends are the hardest time to pass if you are alone. So go out with friends or do some volunteer work. Doing these, you will find that life is still interesting even without him. Link to comment
StarLily Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 sunflower_girl, I agree with everyone else. You did the right thing. It's good that you remember the good parts, but right now but them aside and remember how he made you feel when you were upset with him. That will help the healing process. Like skyjuice said, get a new hobby. School will start soon too. Maybe join a club or a sports team or something. Link to comment
confused25 Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Wow, he made a stink about driving 10 MINUTES to come visit you?? PLEASE!! When I was still dating my ex we lived about 60 miles from each other and we saw each other pretty much every weekend and he even comes during the week, and we both work full-time on top of that. He may be at a point in his life right now where he just can't be committed to anything, so I don't think you need to sit around and wait for him. You did the right thing. You deserve someone who can treat you better. I think NC is the only way to go. Keeping contact with him is only going to make you want to get back and try again. Now unless he makes a miraculous 180, cut off all contact with him. Good luck hun! Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 I think that you, at 18, are more of an adult than he is at 20. His irresponsible behavior to this point doesn't speak to the maturity required to maintain a long-term relationship. Go NC? Well, he could theoretically grow out of the stage he's in, if you make it known that you absolutely won't put up with his lack of attention. Instead of something like that which is meant to be permanent, I might suggest that you go IAGTFYS - "I ain't got time for your sh(enaningans)." Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 well 1st you shoulda never been a doormat in the 1st place learn from this for your next r'ship Link to comment
Clabs Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hey sunflower girl! I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. But what the others say really - you have made the right decision and good for you for having the strength to do this. Don't worry about his feelings - he hasn't worried about yours. This is all about you now. I think NC is definitely your best option - work on getting yourself back together. Lean on friends and family, immerse yourself in work, go out and have fun, keep busy. You sound like you have a very mature head on your shoulders - it will take you far in your life! I hope your foot recovers soon. Take care of yourseld hun. Mark Link to comment
sunflower_girl Posted July 11, 2007 Author Share Posted July 11, 2007 You guys are right, I don't have time for games and rude behavior! If he really cared about me, he would be with me and cherish the times we spend together. I should not have to beg a guy for attention/love. As I'm typing these words, I do feel very strong and sure that I can get over this. I know that there will be days when I will miss his company, but I shouldn't let the memories stop me from moving on with my life. If he comes around and change, then...good. But, until that happens, I won't be waiting around for him. It's just hard to focus on anything else right now because, due to my foot/chest injuries, I basically have to stay in bed for the rest of summer in TX. On the bright side, I will be flying back to PA for school in a month...the distance will be good for my healing process. My plan is to not call/text/facebook him anymore, I will need the space to heal. But, what if he contacts me? Should I pick up? (Sorry, still very new with the NC approach) Thank you to everyoen, you guys are amazing! Link to comment
Clabs Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Hey sunflower! That suck's that you have to spend the summer in bed - grrrr! But do what it takes to get yourself well again. The idea of the NC thing is that it is all about you. You disappear so far as they are concerned. That gives you the space to heal yourself without constant contact that many find hard to deal with. The thing with this is that it is also good for him because many people who have been dumped cling on to any and every last shred of hope that you will change your mind and take you back. They often miscontrue everything that you say to turn it into a positive for them that there may still be hope. That is the approach I think you should take. Take care. Mark Link to comment
reluctantscientist Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 okay, the last straw for me in your post was when you said he wouldn't come to visit you. personally, i think someone who deserves you would be there JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY in the hospital after you were in a car accident. not visiting is not good boyfriend behavior. that's just wrong. as far as NC, i would screen your calls. if he calls, let him leave a message. if it doesn't start with "i'm sorry, i made a mistake, i'm an idiot", then i really don't think it's important that you hear what he has to say. you're so much better than that. that being said, i wish you a speedy recovery and thanks for your thoughtful post. definitely keep in touch! Link to comment
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