Finding closure

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Man.... unreal that I'm actually going through this. I find out more and more info after the break up and it just keeps getting uglier.

 

My ex split with me back in May. We were together for 3 and half years, prior to that I looked to her as my best friend who I trusted with EVERY SINGLE damn thig. Never in mind have I doubted her... not a single time. I let her do everything because I trusted her. Well... here's what I find.

 

I'm in a long distance relationship, where I keep constant communication and expressed my TRUE love for her. In the hard times and the best times... I tried my best to be with her. I did everything that I could just so we'd have it ready for the future. In the mean time, I allowed her to meet a guy she met online about 4 years ago. I saw him, thought of him as a nice guy.. honest down to earth. He's not a good looking guy, but thats not an important fact. Now... I viewed them 2 as good friends throughout my relationship and never did I think she could be cheating on me. I trusted her.. thats where I kept it at. Now fast forward to the break up... I find out that my ex broke all contact with him and she broke up with me, but still kept in touch with me. I tried for the first 2 weeks to work things out... but was useless. Felt like talking to a smiling wall. I had a feeling that something must've happened between them 2 that caused my break up and thats where I developed hatred for him. I kept my hidden hatred in for a month. Then noticed it was his birthday due to an away message on a chat program. I sent him a message saying happy birthday... etc etc. He writes back and we end up having a friendly chat. I am a type of person that can't live with hatred... and told him that I want to make due with him because I know he has also lost a friend. Turns out that he was in love with her for the last 4 years and that my ex was stringing him along and gave him hope something between them can work out. Turns out also they had sex over the last several years while I was away. She lied to him and she lied to me. What hurts me the most were he words of I love you's and the time we made love. I look at this time and think to myself it really meant nothing. I question myself if she in fact lost her virginity to me or not. I'm 23, he's 24... and my ex is 21. I always viewed her as mature... but we now both see her as an immature who used us both and then jumped into a new relationship where the guy apparently broke up with her a month afterwards. However, I believe something between them must've happened earlier.

 

The guy tells me, while I was away in the US... she would be at his place making love and afterwards sending me text messages saying how she loves me and misses me. This not only hurt him, but now I look at it and it hurts me.... that I BELIEVED those text messages. Un-$#&$(#&-in' real

 

I lost my girlfriend, I lost my best friend of the last 7 years, I lost my trust in people and lost so much more. I have an extremely close relationship with my ex's mom and I treat her as a friend. She stood by me during the break up which annoyed my ex. Her mom I don't believe knows the situation... but I dont think it should be shared with her. I may risk losing the valuable friendship I have with her mother. She treats me like her son... and for a person who's studying abroad and away from family... I find it nice that I'm accepted. My ex on the other hand I've just learned to not love.... and have that replaced with anger, sadness and feeling used by her. She used me, she used the other guy... and I and he don't know who else there was. Perhaps more.. but we don't know. The hurt of being used, and cheated on is bad.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I'm really sorry.... unfortunately there are people who enjoy the excitement of living this 'double life' kind of thing. the truth is, the only person they really love is themselves. sometimes maturity will make them regret and stop this kind of behavior, but sometimes not.

 

remember that there are also plenty of people who would never cheat, no matter what, because they are not so selfish, and would not want to betray or hurt another person. so don't paint all women with your attitude towards this girl.

 

i think you can keep her mother's friendship, but recognize that you will need to wean yourself off that over time and find other people who provide you with support. keeping in close contact with her mother will keep you in contact with the girl, which you most likely need to put behind you to heal.

 

i also think you should not tell her mother what you have learned, because then you are stirring up trouble between parent and child, and do not want to get into that. just rise above it, and move on to heal and find someone more trustworthy in the future.

[renaissancewoman101]

That's cool that you have a good relationship with your ex's mom. Most people can't, even when they are in the relationship with the ex.

 

I am sorry about what happened between you and your ex. It's hard to find closure. But reading about stuff like this makes me think that LDR are hard to work out. I am not sure if I could deal with an LDR.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

Thanks for the reply guys. I don't believe its because of the LDR that she did this. She had a guy living in town... that was the other guy who was hurt and lead on for the past 4 years. The guy that my ex left me for before he apparently broke up with her after a month, also doesn't live near. She was apparently madly in love with him. He however couldn't trust her for some reason, which I don't blame him. I swear... I thought I was very good in picking out fake people, but boy was I wrong. The last 7 years of my life turns out to be a big scam, where not only was I crushed... but a guy who also deeply cared for her and we both were booted.

 

Last night I broke NC with her. After going a week NC, I get an email from her asking how my exams went, etc. She said she didn't write earlier because of the quietness. Well, this was on June 21. Now yesterday, after I learned about the whole deal and what my gut feelings gave me... I wrote her an email. In it, I told her how I improved, have moved on... how I see myself as a much better person than she is. I told her what a definition of a friend is. I pointed out to her that she doesn't meet any of the defintions. I told her it wasn't me who was making her suffer... it was herself. She had no love for herself, is immature and looks to other men for self satisfaction. I never once used a bad word, I simply told her the truth... that she used me and others, has no emotions, is a liar and a cheater(I made no mention of who... but I mentioned that by her acting... I am assuming she's been cheating with me during the relationship). She has no idea that I talk with the other guy, and last we talked... she had the impression that we both hate each other and don't want to see each other. Funny that she doesn't know that we know the truth. Another thing is, although its not right... I know her email password. After I sent the email, I wanted to know if it was read. Sure enough, it was. I didn't expect nor do I expect a reply. I told her I don't want anything more to do with her. I told her its a shame that she can't be like her mother thats mature and understanding... someone who wants the best for her. What I find strange is, she forwarded my email to a friend... who I assume is the only girl friend she's got after the whole fiasco. I don't know her friend well, but my gut feeling is that she's a bad influence for her and is trash just like my ex. I think the timing of my email is perfect as its just a few days after I read one email that the guy is breaking up with her. He said he loves her, but has a hard time believing her. She was broken up by it and sounded desperate. Let her suffer... she hasn't suffered ever before nor does she know what she put other people through. To leave 2 people who deeply cared for her for so many years, for a guy from her graduating class and then have him dump her a month or so after ending it with me says something. It sucks that she led on the other guy for 4 years... but he should have been smart enough to stay the hell out knowing there was a relationship. However, the more I think... if he wasn't, there would have been someone else.

 

People change. The guy that I hated the most turns out to be the only one that I could trust with the truth. The person that I trusted the most is the one that backstabbed me, cheated on me and lied. Funny how life is. Perhaps, although I'm not counting on it... she will mature. However, I don't see this as an over night thing. Its wishfull thinking... but I'm not gonna be an idiot this time.

 

You know... Justin Timberlake had a hit song called "what goes around comes around". I never really paid attention to the lyrics, but as I drove my car today... I swear this guy knows exactly whats going on. Even the music video shows the other guy who "loves" the girl, who cheats on Justin. So funny.. but cruel. This one's gonna be tough to swallow.... especially that her mom really means a lot to me.

[HeartBrokenInPL]

I'm really sorry.... unfortunately there are people who enjoy the excitement of living this 'double life' kind of thing. the truth is, the only person they really love is themselves. sometimes maturity will make them regret and stop this kind of behavior, but sometimes not.

 

Strange... you say that she may love herself too much. I think the problem is that she does not love herself.

 

Here's the thing... she's got a pretty face and ultra long hair, but doesn't have a model's body. As a child, she's had surgeries and has a huge scar on her abdomen and was always bothered by her body's image. Lately, she's been going to the tanning salon and getting her hair done. Like if she's out to attract guys.

 

In the email... I told her its unfortunate that you didn't learn anything from the break up. I learned to love myself and became a better person. You on the other hand never found the love for yourself and look for other men to temporarly give you happiness. Can't remember for sure now what I wrote... but something along those lines.

 

Treating me the way she did... having the guts to break up with me and accuse ME for being the one who made her suffer is even worse. If I was such a bad person... her mother wouldn't have treated in the way she has. I remember my ex's past boyfriends and how her mom treated them. For sure nothing loving about that relationship.

 

I'm sad, miss the mirage of what I thought was a real person. In fact, it was a made up person who I thought was not only my best friend, someone who cared for me, someone who loved me, someone who enjoyed my company.... but knowing the truth, no matter how bad it was.... tells me the person currently is, and I have to treat her as a "person" who will never change. She's not a friend, nor someone I can be with knowing what she did to me and someone else. Biggest waste for a human being I know.... and this is a person who I would have given my soul for in the past.

[servedcold]

Strange... you say that she may love herself too much. I think the problem is that she does not love herself.

 

 

You are onto something here, learn for the future. Everyone has insecurities from time to time, when they rise to the level of your ex's, they can't love you because they can't love themselves. In fact, they devalue the people who really love them for them because subconsciously they don't respect those who love a loser. It's a vicious cycle, and will not likely ever end for her. Good riddance and congratulations on your closure. Best wishes.