sorry, it's long...

[vinnee]

I am about to have my third year anniversary with my boyfriend. We met while he was living in my hometown. He moved back to his hometown to finish his degree right after our 1st anniversary. About 8 months later, I moved here and we’ve lived together ever since then. I am now 33 and he is 26.

When we got together, I was not looking for anything serious. I had just gotten out of a not bad, but pointless relationship. He was self proclaimed single, but I quickly learned through others it was not so. He was waiting for her to come back from a 2 month abroad studies trip. They were “On a break”. It had been a hellish 2 and a half year relationship with a girl who would get really drunk and berating all the time. He was planning to tell her one last time to quit drinking or they were done. When she came back he learned that night she had been cheating on him. The point is….he wasn’t being straight with me or her, but at the time I didn’t really care. We continued and though she caused drama and he complained a lot about hating my town, we got along great and it turned serious. I was the one who urged him to go back to school.

While we were apart we had an agreement to not expect fidelity out of each other. We both exercised this right. For myself, it was so I wouldn’t get upset by what I knew he was likely doing. We talked about our future and he told me he loved me; that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He hated my hometown and it has gone downhill economy wise so I began looking at moving to his. I flew into town for his friend’s wedding and I had an interview set up. I found out I got the job while heading to the airport to go back home. It was agreed upon that I would come back in 3 weeks to work at me new job for two weeks. During this time we found an apartment. I went home to pack and move.

It was like a fairytale. I would get home a bit before him and I love to cook. We smiled a lot and joked about how we felt like we were about to get in trouble for being so happy. My son moved here in the fall and my boyfriend who doesn’t like kids (I have a fantastic one though!) was cool with it and teaches him a lot.

So what’s the problem?

Shortly after I moved here, he brought up the idea of having an open relationship. To him, sex is just an act. It doesn’t always nor have to be about love. He sited that we both dabbled while apart and it didn’t change our feelings for each other so how could it now that we were together? I agree with this in theory as I know it’s true from experience, but didn’t want that being part of a committed relationship I was in. We had many conversations about it and in the end he didn’t agree with my view but accepted that I was not having it.

The problem is that he knows everything here and a lot of people. He is also fantastic at meeting new people. I’m use to meeting new people through my years earned huge circle of friends and this new town is all about status. It is hugely diverse, but the different groups of people do NOT mix. I have found myself growing more and more insecure because of this and the fact that I know he wants to sleep with other people. One time some strange girl started IMing him flirty and didn’t even know about me. I let her know what was up. She stated that she had just met him at his job and hadn’t talked to him enough to know much about him. She apologized and said she was only interested in being his friend. I was cool with this, but gave him crap about not letting her know he had a girlfriend. I ended up catching him in a lie about meeting her for lunch a couple weeks later. He said it was a spur of the moment thing; they ran into each other. When I checked his phone because it didn’t sound right, I found that he had called her around lunchtime. I called him out on it about lying again. He was pissed I had checked his phone and said he was trying to avoid a fight. I told him he absolutely had to bring her around for dinner immediately or I wanted her gone. He invited her and we all hung out, but one night, after they went out drinking, she started flirting again (again over IM when he left it up and I went on there to say “hey” to her) and I told him I didn’t like her for it. A couple of days later he says he told her I was upset by the tone of their conversations and she needed to cut it out. I said too late, she was disrespectful. I had already told her from the first time I didn’t appreciate that kind of thing. I didn’t care that she has a boyfriend. I said I didn’t want her around me at all. I didn’t care if he met her for coffee now and then but I asked him to not go out drinking with her again. This was months ago.

I over heard him a few days ago trying to invite someone to go hang out. We were also inviting people to come over for a get together. The reason why this conversation caught my attention was his voice was lowered and he was in the other room. I asked him who all he invited. He listed our friends; she was not among them. I once again looked at his phone. He had called her and I asked him about it. He said he hadn’t talked to her for a month and he was just seeing if she wanted to get coffee soon.

Then last evening right after coming home from work, he started talking about thinking of going right back in to the city to have a drink. He couldn’t decide. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said I could if I wanted. I decided not to and he decided he would. I ask who he is going drinking with. He didn’t know; he would make some calls once he got into town. He called me once shortly after he got in and afterwards I went to bed. He came in late and kissed on me waking me up briefly to tell me he loved me. He called me again while I was at work, just to tell me he loved me. He tells me all the time and is very sweet to me. This evening he was taking a nap and I checked his phone. All of yesterday’s calls have been erased…..

I guess I’m just wondering if I’m getting snowed or if his actions are the by product of my own.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA vinee, great to have you here... image removed

 

You made a good, detailed post here and ask a very valid and appropriate question: is it me or him?

 

My feeling from reading your well-written post is that you have made a sacrifice to be with this guy, moved to be with him and changed jobs, you want a serious committed relationship but he does not. You have caught him in lies and this has generated paranoia and insecurity. This is common, your actions and feelings are common as well. What happens is his actions influence your actions, which influence his actions, which influence yours, ad nauseum and you find yourselves trapped in a self-destructive cycle of drama that sucks you in and addicts you. I believe you are reaching this point now. He lied, you find out and naturally become paranoid, insecure, which shows in your actions, which he perceives as restrictive, as watchful, as controlling, so he lies more, you become more insecure, watch and control more, you see the snowball effect.

 

I see a conflict of interest here, and possibly too great a difference in maturity as well. He wants you to be with him on his terms and will resort to dishonest methods to get what he wants, when and how he wants it from this relationship. He seems to be in a carefree phase of his life. I believe you are more mature than he than your 7 year age difference would suggest.

 

I believe given the situation and the established familiarity of the pattern you guys have become accustomed to and expect here, I suggest you start detaching from this relationship.

 

Also, a huge factor here is his history with lying restricts your ability to communicate, which is a critical part of a healthy relationship. He has lied and continues with his shady actions. How can you possibly trust anything he says? How can you talk this out? This is why trust and honesty is so important to a healthy relationship, one I see lacking in your relationship here.

 

Again, I suggest you start detaching from this relationship and looking for emotional cover. I just don't see this turning into a healthy, fulfilling relationship taken to the next level. I do see it continuing and even progressing based on familiarity, fear of grief or being alone should it end, and a host of other unhealthy and misguided reasons. Keep your wits about you here, think past your feelings here. If you were to post to someone else here on an exact situation as yours, what would you say? Perhaps that would be a good first step here, writing out what you would say to yourself in such an advice-giving role.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i have a huge problem with the fact that he waits until AFTER you have uprooted your whole life, changed jobs, and moved to where he is to mention that he wants a perpetually open relationship.

 

this is something he should have talked to you about before you committed to him. there is a big difference between dating around BEFORE a commitment, and expecting to be able to date around AFTER a commitment. some couples do have open relationships, but it won't work if one person wants an open relationship and the other one doesn't, as you are finding out.

 

it sounds like he has every intention to continue this casual dating with other women, whether you like it or not, and that he will lie about it and minimize it to do so. so he is now behaving like any other cheater, lying to his girlfriend to pursue women on the side.

 

he sounds like an experienced cheater too... he comes home, then suggests he wants to go drinking, probably knowing you would be too tired. then off he goes and hooks up with some woman and erases the calls to set this up. and extra lovey dovey afterwards to throw you off the track...

 

if you had said you wanted to go drinking, he would have just not called anyone, but he is very clearly trying to set up a situation to LOOK like he is being faithful when i don't think he is...

 

people don't spend a lot of time covering their tracks when they are innocent... nor whisper into cell phones in other rooms, unless he is planning a surprise party for you... but i suspect he is really planning private parties with other women when doing this...

 

i'm sorry, but i think you have to decide how important fidelity is to you... it obviously isn't that important to him, or he wouldn't be suggesting open relationships nor sneaking around like this... if fidelity is important to you, then i think you need to let him know clearly that any more flirting or dating other women and lying about it will result in you leaving.

 

i think right now, he is in a phase where he thinks he can pull this off, if he maneuvers enough, and manipulates you enough. best to investigate this more, to see if he really is cheating, and talk to him to let him know that you won't tolerate it, and mean that.

[vinnee]

We talked about the issue. He was a bit surprised that I was still worried about the open relationship thing. To him, he would be fine with it but also fine without it and since I wasn't into it, it was a done deal for almost a year now. I explained to him how him bringing it up meant to me that he wanted an open relationship and knowing he wanted it that way made me wonder if he might slip up if he thought he could get away with it. He said his bringing up the subject didn't mean he absolutely had to have things like that. He said his call record had been deleted because while he was waiting for our friends to meet him at the bar, the girl who had been flirting with him did call from another bar and he told her he was already waiting for our friends accross town. He knew I'd check his calls and didn't want to have to hear from me if I saw he'd talked to he while he was out because he knew I'd think he had been sneaking around to see her. And because I get so tense about her, he said he likely is lowering his voice subconsiously because he doesn't like the result of me being tense about it.

He knows I don't care if he has coffee with her and pointed out that since I don't have a problem with that, why would he just HAVE to have drinks instead? He wishes I would just relax on the subject because it is making him uncomfortable trying to be friends the way he normally would regardless of gender while I am uptight about her in particular. He understood why I took offense to her behavior and feels that she was set straight when he talked to her about it. He says she has been much more reserved around him and in conversation, but can't prove this to me because I refuse to be around her. He wishes I would give her another chance because he doesn't like feeling like I have to chose his friends and he would like it better if any friends one of us makes becoming our friends. If she gets out of hand again, he will dust her off, but he insists it's been 4 months since he had that talk with her and she stopped. Furthermore, if he HAD done anything with her, why would he want me to try to be friends with her?

He feels that I have started feeling this way because I lived in the same city all my life. Back home I had to count on no one and I never had to worry about some guy I was with pulling anything behind my back because everyone knew me and I'd find out. Also I had a huge circle of friends to pick me up if I went through a hurtful break up. Now that I'm here and I don't have that, he thinks I'm feeling vulnerable in a way I've never had to deal with before. He said he knows that I'm feeling alone here and how horrible it would be for him to take advantage of that.

[jantra77]

i think you want more of a commitment than he does. I would try to create your own life in his town and see how it goes. It will help you.