question about men and marriage

[blondy24]

when a man tells a girl he wants a future/marriage with her, and children with her, and still cant follow through on it, what does that mean?? why would he even bring up the subject of marriage and babies and talk about it all the time but refuse to follow through on it??? is this just some sick joke to keep a girl around or in his life? and what if you've been hearing this for over 2 years and still have yet to see a ring or any type of commitment other than once a week on a saturday night? and I might add, there are no major problems in the relationship whatsoever. the emotional connection and closeness is there, the sexual aspect of the relationship is amazing, the trust is there...but the follow-through on what he says is nonexistant. and I am not hounding him about this at all or making marriage demands. its always him who brings it up. and when he does, I've told him a thousand times I want a future and marriage with him too, I agree every time he brings it up so its not like hes "unsure." he knows exactly what I want and its been discussed hundreds of times. two years is a long time to be saying this with no action.

I find it hard to believe a man would talk marriage and children with someone if he didnt mean it. it is a serious thing to talk about. just looking for some input here. am sick of wasting my time and falling for empty promises.

[caro33]

I think there are likely to be several reasons for this behaviour, take your pick:

 

- he likes the idea but he's fantasising: he's not ready yet and he sees this as his future, not his present;

- he likes the idea of being the kind of guy who wants to get married but still canot quite align that with who he really is, or he might not be 100% serious, he is half-kidding but he's not questioned his behaviour too much because he's not sure he's going to like the choices he'll have to make;

- he feels particularly soft and cuddly with you sometimes and brings these feelings up, but the rest of the time he's not really into the idea as much (see earlier reasons too);

- he is totally serious, but he is doing what many men seem to do and he's aware it's not yet the "right time" for the next step; maybe he wants a more solid financial position before he proposes, maybe he wants a more settled job.

 

I think there are many variations on the theme, and they take you anywhere from him just saying stuff because he likes how it sounds at the time, to being totally committed but on a different timeframe to you.

 

You are 24 right? That's young by today's standards, is he the same age? If he's younger than 28 or so I would say most of this is age-related and once again could be (a) he's not sure what he wants just yet; or (b) he's not where he wants to be in life just yet.

[blondy24]

yes, he's 24 too. He also is a co-owner of a company with his uncle and lives in a million dollar condo...so financially its not a problem. maybe he isnt ready...I just wish he wouldnt tell me things he thinks I want to hear. I have no problem waiting, I just dont want to be fed lines if he isnt sure where its going yet.

[Dako]

My two cents as a guy:

 

He could be frightened of the change in his life this triggers.

Some women (not you, but some) have a big master plan for a huge, intricate wedding, followed by painful family meddling, instant pregnancy and the end of his hobbies and interests. If one person he knows succumbed to this nightmare, he'll be simply frightened.

 

If he's reassured he can ease into ginormous responsibility and still keep his Corvette (or whatever) he might be more inclined to commit.

[caro33]

He may not mean to feed you lines, but I do understand your frustration.

 

Do you feel that you need to take this step soon? Do you feel that waiting another year or two would be a complete waste?

 

If you just want to hear how committed he is, but don't need the ring and babies just yet, I would bide my time if I was you. If you were over 30 and had waited several years I would never advise that, but your age and the fact that you've been together two years I think makes this a different situation.

 

If you really feel the need for that ring etc in the very near future, then I would probably ask him some penetrating questions the next time he raises it. Ask him gently and calmly when he sees this happening, what his dreams for the next couple of years are, how he sees you guys tying the knot and having that family. If you are not pushy and you tease this out of him, you will hopefully get a sense of what Dako mentioned as well, which could be a completely understandable fear he has, but which you can help him manage.

 

If he won't discuss any of this at all no matter what, and seems to be dealing with fantasy only, and you are frustrated, the most I would advise is to kindly tell him that you share the same fantasy, but that for you the stakes seem kind of higher. That if he's going to talk about it, you want to make plans, not just fantasise. Put some responsibility back on to him to be accountable for his words. Now this might help you assert yourself and be clear, but be aware it might take some of the rosy, romantic glow off the conversation for him. However, this might be information you need to see how serious he is.

 

By the way, I take your point about the finances. However, even if he's a CEO of a major company and a super-billionaire, he may still not be who he wants to be just yet. Particularly in a family business - maybe he's still not sure how exactly his life is meant to go, maybe what he really wants to do is give it all up and write music, who knows. Like I said, talk to him about his dreams and his plans, see how he's travelling with these major decisions before you worry too much...

[beloved]

I wonder do you live together? Have you met each others family? Do you have a pet or a plant together? Do you have joint finances or some sort of financial understanding? I think all these things are little steps that need to be taken before a guy will feel that marriage and kids are the next natural step. Relationships are about progression. Start small and work up!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you only see each other once a week on Saturday nights? that looks to me like casual dating, not a relationship, no matter what he tells you.

 

also, are you sure he isn't dating other women on the other days/nights? after 2 years, he should want to spend more time with you if he is really serious about you.

 

look at what the person does, not just says. he may be saying these things because he knows you want to hear, to keep you on the hook while not really making a further commitment.

 

you really need to push to see him more often and become more of a couple than one saturday night date, and see how that goes before expecting marriage.

 

but if one night a week is all he's willing to offer, you need to find someone who wants to be with you more.

[blondy24]

thank you all for your responses...we've actually been together 3 years and the marriage talk started about a year after we were together. we see eachother once a week because he lives an hour away and lately I have been pushing to see him more but he's always working late or stuck doing something at the office. It seems these days its always an excuse. its not that I'm in a huge rush to get married, seeing as I'm still so young, but he tends to say alot of things aside from that that he doesnt follow through on. small things, but they add up. if I knew in my heart he meant what he said and wasnt just fantasizing I'd certainly give it a few more years.

 

we've both met eachother's families, but have never lived together.

 

and of course, I wouldn't be thinking about this so much or looking for some input if I wasn't crazy about him. I really do love this guy alot. I would love to marry him someday and have a future with him. but I also dont believe in tryig to coerce someone into giving you a ring, its not right. when it happens (whether its with him or another person) i want it to come from the heart and be real.