Gravity

[RedSoxFan84]

I'm going to give this a go.

 

I've repeatedly tried to keep a journal, but it usually never lasts longer than a couple of weeks. The knowledge that maybe someone out there is actually listening will keep me going . I worry a lot. Hopefully writing my worries down will help alleviate some of the tension that seems to be a permanent fixture in my life.

 

Today I'm worrying that I'm not a good enough girlfriend. I've been with my boyfriend for almost eight months and it's a constant fear of mine, I tried not to see him initially because of my constant feelings of inadequacy. Now, I am in love with him and with every passing moment I feel even more love for him. Everything seems better when I'm with him; I spend every weekday with him and I can't get enough of him -- I never thought I'd ever feel that way.

 

Yesterday, though, I felt like I was being a big pain in the ass. He never gets annoyed with me and at one point I think he was getting pissed off -- I'd never seen him like that. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but it was enough to make me feel awful. The reasoning for my behavior was really stupid and I feel like an idiot now, but that certainly didn't stop me at the time.

 

I've applied to dozens of jobs in the month and a half since I graduated college. So far, I've had one recruiter call me back, saying she'd like to schedule an appointment with me, that she'd get back to me. I haven't heard from her since (it's been a week). I am completely broke and I'm starting to panic due to the trouble with my debt, and also because of how worthless I feel right now, doing pretty much nothing all day.

 

Anyway, we go to the mall yesterday so he can buy the iPhone. It really pissed me off and I started to get really short with him and I was getting increasingly more upset with every passing moment, nearly falling apart when we went to get coffee after he bought the thing. Maybe I'm jealous that he can have nice things and I cannot? Probably. I'm at the point where I'm terrified of going into the mall because I'll just see all the things I want or need and can't have. To see him buy something so frivolous, that he can do that and I cannot, just upset me. Then, to have to sit there and watch him play with it for hours, leaving me with absolutely nothing to do, made me want to pull my hair out.

 

I should have told him to drop me off at home before he even went to the mall...

 

It seems so immature now...I think a lot of it is just deep-rooted anxiety about my financial problems as well as problems with my mother, with this thing setting me off. Not to mention I'm getting my period next week and tend to become a wreak a week before it comes (my mood swings worsening since I got on the pill). Still, it's no excuse. Also, I should have spoken up and told him to bring me home...but even if he was distracted I like having him in the same room with me.

 

I broke down in the car, and we talked about my job issues. He's been real positive, but at this point, I am so frustrated that unless someone says "You're hired", nothing is going to ease my anxiety.

 

He is working tonight and all day tomorrow, so I won't see him until Monday. Maybe that's a good thing, to have a little time apart so I can cool off and try to put this thing behind me for now.

 

I applied to four more jobs today. One at a large pharmaceutical company that I'd love to work for. I feel like I'm qualified for it and would be able to handle the responsibilities there. The other jobs are just temporary clerical positions. I really want to get a job where my degree (biology) will be useful, but at this point I'll take whatever I can get.

 

I've had enough venting for tonight.

 

Until next time,

 

-- Katie

 

------

 

Lost again

Broken and weary

Unable to find my way

Tail in hand

Dizzy and clearly unable to

Just let this go

 

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live

 

I fell again

Like a baby unable to stand on my own

Tail in hand

Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go

High and surrendering to the gravity and the unknown

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live

 

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

Help me survive the bottom

 

Calm these hands before they

Snare another pill and

Drive another nail down another

Needy hole please release me

 

I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown

Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun

I choose to live, I choose to live

-- "Gravity", A Perfect Circle

[RedSoxFan84]

I have a problem with always having to be right. I correct people all the time. For some reason, I can't stop it and as much as it must be irritating for the other person, it irritates me, too.

 

In the early stages of dating my boyfriend I never corrected or contradicted him. I pretty much just bit my tongue whenever something came up. As we've become much more comfortable with each other, I've found myself occasionally correcting him. I think he's really intelligent and my comments usually relate to current news events or certain things relating to popular culture. He never tells me to stop it, but I think he may have been a little annoyed today when I told him he was wrong about something. I wanted to smack myself accross the face after I said it because it was so stupid, so unimportant, but it probably came accross rude. I always want to be right. If he tells me I'm wrong I get really defensive. I've always been like that, I just can't help it.

 

Along similar lines, I can also be really opinionated about certain things. Again, this never came up in the early days of dating him. It used to be that I would run my argument through my mind and debate whether or not I should speak up. Usually I decided not to. It's only in the last one or two months (we've been together for eight months) that I've started blurting out whatever is on my mind. I know he likes that that we can have intelligent conversations (about politics, movies, cars, electronics, anything), but I can't help feeling self-conscious that I talk too much and/or that I'm too opinionated.

 

I'm sure this must come accross as a shock to him because when I first met him he was lucky if I said two words to him due to my terrible shyness. If I asked him now if it bothered him that I felt like I always had to be right he would give me the most politically correct answer he could muster.

 

Maybe I'll try biting my tongue a little more. Whenever I've tried that, before, I tend to get quiet and he asks me what's wrong? lol. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing.

 

-- Katie

[RedSoxFan84]

I've been very actively searching for a job for a month now. Previously, I held a part-time job at the local university as a laboratory assistant, working for the biology department. It didn't pay well, but I think I learned a lot about myself by juggling school and work, as well as dealing with some colorful personalities (who knew professors could be as vindictive as school children?).

 

Due to the fact that I graduated, I had to leave my job. I gave myself a two week respite because the last month or two of school and work had been extremely stressful.

 

I've applied to all the local bio-tech positions and haven't gotten a single call back. I've applied to every position at the local hospital that I'm qualified for. Again, no call backs. I've decided that maybe I need to just find something to tide me over until I can get my career on track, so I've been applying for temp/receptionist/clerical positions. Again, no call backs. I must be up to 30 applications so far. Is this normal? I check all the websites on a daily basis, as well as my university's career development website. My supervisor at school said she's going to look around for any openings.

 

I'm stressed out because I'm broke and I'm starting to go crazy doing nothing all day. I'm tired all the time and my mood probably isn't as good as it would be if my mind was active. I've started trolling this board and a few others to pass the time and keep my mind working.

 

I emailed my supervisor yesterday and she said that she isn't surprised that I don't have a job right now, that it takes time, that maybe the HR people are on vacation, that there's an influx of recent grads looking for jobs, blah, blah, blah. But it's all so discouraging. I'm a hard worker, I'd go out of my way to make sure that my work, no matter what it is, is done well. I can't even prove that to anyone because they won't call me!

 

Sometimes I wish that I could flash forward to a year or two, just see that after all this stress things will work out. Unfortunately, this is reality and I have to keep submitting until someone shows an interest. Hopefully that'll be sooner rather than later.

 

-- Katie

[RedSoxFan84]

ENGAGED

 

I'm officially engaged now. I've finally told my mother. It was an awkward moment when I finally told her; she seemed happy, not altogether surprised. At the time, she was stressed. I was going to wait to tell her, but I took the point-of-view that this is my life, I need to take some initiative and not let her run my decisions all the time.

 

My S/O and I have been together for 8 months. He's Ecuadorian, and I'm not sure if it's customary to become engaged early in the relationship because when I wanted to wait he kept saying, "But maybe your mother is going to think I'm not serious with you." I'll have to ask him about that.

 

The reality is, we got engaged after being together for two months and I hid the ring in my bedroom. I'm not sure if I'll ever tell my mother that. At the time I loved him, had just lost my virginity to him. Just prior to his proposal we had been long distance for a month and things were strained because of his absense and my uncertainty.

 

But now, I'm in love with him. He's my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without him. It still may be early, but I'm sure that he is the one.

 

We will marry in May.

 

The ring is very small. It's weird, though, because I'm very happy about it. I think it's beautiful. It's me, nothing ostentatious. I had a few moments when I was a little uncertain, particularly when I started seeing other people's rings. Even moreso when he bought himself a $600 toy. That said, I have to remember he bought it when he was away, visiting his parents. I think it was a spur of the moment purchase, something he hadn't saved for. I've grown to love it.

 

I'm still struggling to find a job (more on that later) and he isn't rolling in money either. We are going to have a small wedding. I'm okay with that, maybe even considering eloping (there are some local inns that look like they do something that might be just what I want). Our circle of friends and family are small and I don't want something huge, but I do want something that I can remember and cherish. There are packages that include the ceremony, a small get-together afterwards and a couple of nights stay in the inn afterward. I still have awhile to think about it, to discuss it with him. It'd be nice if my mother could contribute something. We'll see.

 

I found my dress the other day. It was cheap and might not even be considered a wedding dress, but I fell in love with it immediately. It's white, long and flowing, but not poofy like most dresses, and with beautiful silver sequined flowers all over it. It would be perfect if we were to get married on the beach.

 

More than anything, I cannot wait to live with him, for him to be my husband, and, eventually, for him to be the father of my children. Two days, or even a night, away from him are too much. I understand that we are still in the honeymoon phase, and that these feelings may lessen a little, but I just want him close, always.

 

He is not perfect, and neither am I. I think that is one of the ways I know that I am in love with him -- I can accept him and love him for all of his imperfections. As is natural in the progression of a relationship, I've become a little more blunt when he's annoying me, but it's certainly something that is normal -- to realize that all of his personality traits aren't perfect, just like mine aren't, either.

 

--

 

JOBS

 

I'm still making no headway in the job department. Two people called me last week, both recruiters. Going through recruiters seems to be a bad idea, at least for me. Most of my applications have been through them, and not directly to the company. Maybe that's why I'm not hearing anything from anyone?

 

My GPA was high and I know I'll have glowing references, I just can't understand why no one is even willing to interview me. I've started applying for administrative positions and I'm not entirely certain that they aren't put off by my resume (listing all the scientific techniques that I've mastered). Maybe they think I"m overqualified? That I may become bored? I don't know. If the pay is good I'd be willing to stay in that type of position for a long time, not just temporarily. It's so frustrating.

 

My mother is still pressuring me to get a job, like I'm not searching every single day and sending out, on average, 5 resumes a day. She's suggested that I waitress. I'm not sure I'd be good at that, but I'm becoming desperate. I'm very shy and don't work that well under pressure. I'm just not sure it's something I want to do, but I guess I have to do what I have to do.

 

I'm giving these people one more week before I start applying to local restaurants.

 

Good God, I never thought a BA in Biology with a 3.7 GPA would put me on the fast track for a job in the restaurant biz.

 

My mother had to take a leave of absense due to an illness (psychological in nature) and now we are broke. I'm afraid that once I get a job she'll just take all my money (my account is still under hers). My S/O says that I need to open a separate account. The thing is, I'm living with her. If I don't give her the money she'll make my life hell. I don't mind helping her, but I don't want her taking all of it, like she usually does. As cruel as this might sound, it isn't my fault that she has issues, why do I have to suffer the consequences (she took my last several weeks paychecks when I was still working in April and May).

 

Yet another reason I can't wait to move out.

 

--

 

BREAKDOWN

 

I absolutely fell apart on Thursday. I'm not sure what happened. It was so embarrassing.

 

I didn't get much sleep the night before because I couldn't get comfortable and my S/O had to get up early, which woke me up and I couldn't fall back asleep. I had an appointment at the Planned Parenthood to help resolve my issues with getting birth control refills, so I was a little stressed about that. It went fine, but I was overtired Thursday night.

 

That night, he and I were in bed and I think I accidentally stabbed him with my ring. He asked me to take it off ("because you've hurt me a couple of times with it"). He can be a big baby sometimes. I just shook my head and looked at him. He asked me if I was 'emotional' (I rarely get 'sappy', as we call it, with him),

 

I said, "No".

 

He said, "Because your eyes are red."

 

Of course it didn't occur to him that maybe it was because I was tired. Him asking me about removing the ring just made things worse, for some reason it really bothered me that he wanted me to take it off, even if it was for a little while.

 

I started crying, hysterically. I still don't know why. I think it was a good cry, though. Even though he made me upset with that comment, I also realized, in that instant, how much I truly loved him and wanted to marry him. That I didn't want to take the ring off, even for a little while. I want to wear it forever.

 

I also wondered if maybe I wasn't good enough for him.

 

I told him I loved him, that I'm happy.

 

He told me to just let it all out, that it's okay. I actually think he liked the fact that I was so emotional, because it's rare that I'm in such a state.

 

Needless to say, the sex stopped until I calmed down. Once we resumed, I started crying again. It was like the closeness was too much, the feeling of being with him was so intense. I've had that feeling before but it's never driven me to tears.

 

I also feared that maybe he would think he did something wrong. Later he even asked me, "Am I good boyfriend?" With this look on his face like he was a little boy and his biggest fear was disappointing me. It broke my heart for him to even think that.

 

I'm so used to keeping a tight rein on my emotions and to fall apart like that was almost painful for me. I want him to think I am strong and not to think he did something wrong.

 

I felt much, much better Friday morning, after getting a real good night's sleep.

 

I think some of it might have also been a consequence of Wednesday night. He's obsessed with his iPhone. I don't even like to think about it, it annoys me so much. Anyway, he got a nice case for it (actually, several nice cases, but anyway...) and he tore it a little when he forced the phone (which was also in an acrylic case) into the leather one. I told him it wouldn't fit. Then he was all upset that the leather case was no longer perfect. He kept picking and staring at it, like that would make it better. It started an argument (our first) and he stopped talking to me that night for a good hour.

 

I was so devastated. I never, ever, want to be in that situation again. I never want to see him that way, I was ready to scream.

 

I think part of my breakdown may have been a consequence of recalling Wednesday night and how I never want to lose him (although the argument was minor, it was my first glimpse at what a full-blown fight might be like). We were both at fault that night, I'll admit it.

 

I haven't seen him since Friday night. It's funny how much I miss him after just a weekend. It's amazing we survived while he was gone for an entire month.

 

--

 

Wow, I wrote too much tonight.

 

But I feel better.

 

Until next time,

 

-- Katie

[RedSoxFan84]

Met with a staffing (temp) agency yesterday.

 

The guy I spoke to was nice, about my age. It didn't really feel like an interview. He kind of just talked about how the company works, looked over my resume, asked me what I'd like to do, etc.

 

I was kind of paranoid that maybe I'd have to make a commitment. I think I was driving my fiancee crazy with that worry. But the guy I spoke with told me that I can continue my job search on my own, as well as working with other staffing agencies. Just to keep them up to date about what's going on.

 

I wonder how long I have to wait to hear back from them? I'm going to call him Wednesday if I don't hear anything (he told me Mondays were bad because it's very busy).

 

They had me take a couple of tests, one for medical reception (which I've never done, but I was pre-med so am familiar with a lot of the terminology, etc.), Excel, and Word. He said I scored well above average on all three. I was surprised because some of the questions made no sense to me, I'd never even seen some of the stuff they were asking me.

 

It sounds too good to be true. Chances are I won't ever hear from them again, lol.

 

Another recruiter has been calling me. She said she had a (permanent) position at the local hospital doing something that I'd like to do (medical records) with an okay pay-rate. She said she was going to forward my resume to them (this was Thursday morning) and would hear back from them that day or Friday. I checked in with her Thursday afternoon and she still hadn't heard anything. Because of my interview on Friday (which took 2.5 hours!), it slipped my mind to call her again.

 

I'm definitely checking in with her on Monday.

 

I hope I can start work soon. My student loans are going to start rolling in. I need to consolidate them, somehow. I don't even know how to go about doing that.

 

I really need to get a car. I'm going to save for a down payment. Due to my awful credit I'm going to need my fiancee's help to secure a loan.

 

I should have never gone to college, it was a waste of time and money.

 

But at least I met my fiancee there.

 

Maybe it was worth it after all...

[RedSoxFan84]

Unlike most people, I hate weekends.

 

My fiancee and my mother both work and due to the fact that I don't have a car, I'm stuck here at home with nothing to do. Sometimes it's okay, I could use some time alone and all that, but usually around this time (Sunday afternoon) I start to go a little crazy. I'm so bored. I've been patrolling this board and a couple of others for awhile to pass the time, but too much time on the computer is starting to give me a headache.

 

An old friend from high school stopped by yesterday. I was a little embarrassed because I was wearing my pajamas (nothing revealing, or anything like that) and was surprised to see her. She came with her mother (who, fortunately, waited in the car) and asked me if I wanted to go do something with her. I was so stunned to see her that I said no, it wasn't a good time. The minute she left I regretted it. I just felt awkward because I wasn't dressed and would have had to get ready and everything while they waited.

 

Still, it would have been nice to get out of the house for a little while. And to catch up with her.

 

Part of the reason that I said no is because I am broke. It's always a little awkward to go out knowing that your wallet is empty. My fiancee gave me $20 the other day "in case of an emergency", but I would have felt guilty spending it.

 

I can be such an idiot sometimes.

 

I'm hoping to hear back about some job opportunities tomorrow, although I'm not holding my breath. The job at the hospital sounded good, medical records. I'm good at doing stuff like that. My only thing is that I need to be kept busy. I'd rather have a stack of files on my desk than nothing. That happened at one of my previous jobs, where they gave me 20 minutes of work and wanted me to stretch that out into an 8 hour day. It was torture.

 

I'm sure once I get a job I'll long for these days where I have nothing to do and could just relax. It's been nice to spend a lot of time with my SO (who works four shifts during the weekend to get it over and done with). Working a 40 hour week will be difficult as I won't be able to spend much time with him unless he adjusts his schedule.

 

I'll worry about that if, and when, it happens.

 

-- Katie

[RedSoxFan84]

Well, it's been months since I've written in here. Ironically enough, things are pretty much the same as they were when I posted here originally:

 

My temporary job assignment is ending this week. The company is under new ownership so their policies are different than they used to be; they no longer offer temp-to-perm and the contract can only last 6 or 7 months. Even though I feel like I worked my ass off, that's it -- I'm joining the ranks of the unemployed.

 

When I found out this was going to happen, I started applying everywhere. I've applied to 50+ jobs since January. I've had one interview and they never called me back (this was a month ago). I've resorted to applying to staffing agencies again because I feel like that's my only chance. I have an interview tomorrow for a job that's going to have an hour long commute. With gas prices, that's going to be hard, but I guess it's better than nothing... Let's hope I get it. I'm becoming so pessimistic... If I get it soon, we can at least start looking for apartments closer to the job, but I hope the assignment becomes permanent. I need benefits, I've been without health insurance for almost a year... If something were to happen, I'd be so screwed...

 

We've set our wedding date - May 17. Of all the things going on in my life, that's what I am happiest and most excited about. We don't have a lot of money, but I think things are going to work well. We are getting married in a church, I've got my dress (got an excellent deal), he's gotten his suit and we are working on the reception. I'm so excited, not nervous at all. I know I'm meant to be with him, he makes me so happy, and even though I'm so worried about my job situation, he has helped me through this.

 

I have savings (about 8000), but I'm so worried that we aren't going to survive if I can't find a job soon. He has to move out of his dorm around our wedding date, so we have to find an apartment and need at least a couple of pieces of furniture. He's actively seeking better employment, but with the economy the way it is, I am worried for the both of us. He has a job in healthcare, the pay isn't that great, but it'll certainly help us, but we both need to find something better...

 

Why does life have to be so difficult?