How do the SO's of cheaters find out?

[mariab.]

After posting on a past thread about cheating, and reading other threads, I have to ask how do they find out? I told my ex I had cheated on him and left him, but I was in a semi-abusive relationship and was also very young. He never knew about it till I told but I always thought how can you not know? So yeah how do they find out?

and what happens when they do?

[Bankers24]

I found out my now ex-husband was cheating on me by looking at the phone bill to see why his minutes were so high. I starting calling numbers that I did not recognize and BAM... girls that claimed that had been sleeping with him (some didn't even know he was married...scum bag)...BINGO! I filed for divorce the next day!

[mariab.]

I did it as a means to escape while I think other people might do it for other reasons.. It just baffles me that you would think being in a relationship with soemeone you would just know! regardless whether you live together or not.

[pinkelephant]

i just felt it. had a feeling he was cheating. he never admitted it, had to go the long route.

 

 

i really find it weird that the SO doesn't just FEEL it.

 

the gf of the guy i hooked up with felt it too. i think people DO feel it in general, they just ignore it.

[Russell123]

Brenda made some really good points...its easy to overlook signs when you trust your significant other and believe they would never do anything.

 

But pinkelephant is right also, you do get a gut feeling. My wife convinced me that I was being paranoid for even thinking that she would cheat. (I never accussed her of anything, I just asked her why she'd started going out with 'friends' every night). I dopped it because I never thought she would cheat. She spent our entire marriage telling how reprehensible cheating was, how she could never do it, etc. I wanted to believe her.

 

I found out quite accidentally. I began to find out about a million little lies she'd been telling to other people. Not about cheating, but about a myriad of other things. I had asked her to forward me an important work email. She never got around to it (because, I suspected, the email contained lies to our boss which had a negative impact on me). So I went into her account. I was just going to forward the one email to myself, but took a quick peek in her 'sent items' folder. And that was it. It is AMAZING how in a single instant your entire life can get turned upside down.

 

Brenda is dead-on when she says The betrayed person walks away not only with the "what really happened between them?" feeling but also the feeling that the person they truly loved never existed.There is a feeling as though the cheater took off a mask and that can be terrifying.

[russ978]

My fiance at the time had asked me to check some stuff on her mail for her before and had given me her password.

One day, I got the 'gut feeling' that something was wrong, checked her e-mail and found out that she'd just slept with someone else. Two phone calls later and I never talked to her again. She got engaged 6 months later...not to the man she cheated on me with.

I wouldn't want to go through that again.

[Solarist]

While my wife has not physically cheated (to my knowledge) - she had (and I feel is continuing to some extent having) an emotional affair. I pretty much had suspicions for months that their "friendship" was inappropriate, however like many of the victims in the situation, when I approached my wife, she would deny it and proclaim I am insecure and tripping out about nothing. Besides the fact that she talked with this guy on a daily basis for 8 hours while I am at work, some of her emails I ended up reading further indicated that this was not an innocent "friendship". I ended up one day recording the sound in my house and heard the conversation she was having with this guy - this was hard evidence of her actions - which she continued to deny up until the point I started quoting parts of their conversation. At this point, she actually denies things again that I had on the recording - which cracks me up. My radar is still beeping continuously, however due to fear of losing my children I am trying to hope for the best...

[puppeteer]

my wife had been claiming that i was not as passionate about her law school as she was...that i needed to basically talk about law all the time in order to make her happy...she very clearly started distancing herself...and lied when i asked her flat out if there was someone else.

 

i asked her to come to counseling, to try to figure out where the disconnect was, we set up two emergency sessions for the week. at the first session, she told me that she never should have married me, that she was jealous of friends who were getting married and wanted a wedding too. (a fifty thousand dollar wedding by the way) and that she and i were too different to make this work.

 

it was too final. so i went home and opened her email to find all the sex emails from a friend that she goes to lawschool with. that was interesting because my wife apparently is into very hardcore BDSM. Specifically Bondage and being Dominated. in the five years we were together this was never even mentioned by her.

 

quite a shock.

 

so, armed with all this i went to the next session. after letting her complain for 10 minutes about how i just don't "get" her...i dropped the bomb. never before had i seen someone just wish i was dead. if i was dead then the truth would never come out....but she knew i knew...and she knew that i would blow the top off this story with her family, my family....the look in her eyes was painful to see...she wanted me to be dead so she could get away with this affair.

 

needless to say...i haven't talked to her since. i gave her 24 hours to tell her parents before i did. they are devastated. my family is devastated. my ex...now living with the guy...guess she found what she is looking for.

 

for now.

 

poor bastard...may they both rot in hell.

[King5]

1) Your my hero

2) Now I know why our posts seem so dang similar

[JanuaryGirl]

My husband admitted to lying about strip clubs. (He would say he was hanging with the boys when that wasn't always true). He'd been going once a month or so for as long as we've been married (longer actually...before I came along). I knew he HAD gone, I didn't know he was a regular. The fact that that lie had been happening for so long and so easily, I began having a gut feeling that something else was wrong. I started digging and found phone records that show calls to lots of women and, in some instances, hotels. I haven't confronted him yet...soon though.

[macgyver4ever]

Like PinkElephant, I had a gut feeling onc day while she was talking about a coworker. She was glowing about him. Later that night she broke up with me, saying it had nothing to do with anyone else, just that we were not right for each other. That week I got the cell phone bill, so a HUGE overage charge for text messages, and looked. I saw a ton of messages late on the nights she was going out with friends to a number. I had a friend call the number and it was that same guy I confronted her about. She denied it, but a week later I got an email from an old friend (whom she had cheated on me previously with) that it was true that she had been cheating with this new guy.

 

She said she was going to end it, but never did. After 3 months of seeing both of us, she got me to break up with her. Coward.

 

Great words of wisdom Brenda. I was wondering what it was exactly that I was feeling, and you nailed it. It's like she did not exist, that the past 4 years with her was a lie, and because of all of this, I am so insecure about myself. It was very destructive, and the fact that she has shown no remorse has made it even harder. She just dropped off the face of the planet.

[mariab.]

Yeah some cheaters really walk the line don't they? Some never do get caught-and I guess have to live w/ it, if they even care. Why be with someone you don't want to be with? that you cheated on? The best excuse I got from a friend of mine was that he didn't think he was up to his g-friends level. He has cheated on her a lot of times and although he says he doesn't love her still stays with her. Baffling why some cheaters stay. Well my karma came right back, the guy I left the ex for dumped me and he's the only one I still think about to this day...

[macgyver4ever]

Yeah some cheaters really walk the line don't they? Some never do get caught-and I guess have to live w/ it, if they even care. Why be with someone you don't want to be with? that you cheated on? The best excuse I got from a friend of mine was that he didn't think he was up to his g-friends level. He has cheated on her a lot of times and although he says he doesn't love her still stays with her. Baffling why some cheaters stay. Well my karma came right back, the guy I left the ex for dumped me and he's the only one I still think about to this day...

 

Are you saying that you only think about the guy you cheated with or your ex? Do you think about the guy you cheated on with because he dumped you?

[mariab.]

I don't know- I really fell for him though, or else I would have never even thought of cheating on the ex. There was something about him that struck me...

[CallingAllAngels]

Russell:

 

OMG...When I read your post, I almost fell off my CHAIR!!!!!! Our stories are VERY similar. I do not know what your wife did to you....but my husband also cheated...also went out all the time with "just his friends" and I was not "allowed" to go...I was also "paranoid"...he would "never cheat" on me....I was the "only woman" he loved....blah blah blah. He also CONDEMED ANYONE who cheated on their spouses...on and on add-nauseum...how could anyone DO such a thing...blah blah blah.

 

One day I snooped in his email. Found some pretty "interesting" stuff between him and this woman he worked with. OH...but that was just "innocent flirting"...c'mon now Allie...you're being parnoid darlin'...I only love YOU! And of course...he stopped going out.

 

That GUT feeling never went away. I found that email in 1999. Just 2 weeks ago he confessed that, why yes indeed, they did get Motel Rooms, and, not only that, but 2 years ago, he started meeting STRANGERS for Sex...woman...whose names he did not know...just for sex. Unprotected. Oral and Intercourse. Did not even know their names. THAT one I did NOT see comin'. NOT at all. But the affair...I had a gut feeling.

 

I have been tested for every STD under the sun, and someone how, I am negative...thank GOD.

 

What my husband did to me was BEYOND heinous...but...if you notice ONE thing most people say here is the same " they had a GUT" feeling.

 

I filed my Divorce papers with the Court yesterday. I do not even know who this man is.

 

"The betrayed person walks away not only with the "what really happened between them?" feeling but also the feeling that the person they truly loved never existed.There is a feeling as though the cheater took off a mask and that can be terrifying." I believe Brenda said that. She is dead on the money.

 

 

I tell everyone this: Always, ALWAYS trust YOUR GUT...it never EVER LIES...PEOPLE will look you in the eye and lie like a rug...but not your gut.

 

~Allie

[Russell123]

Allie:

 

Our stories ARE remarkably similar. (I put my story in this thread if you're curious.) What you went through is really horrible and I'm glad to hear about your divorce and that you are healthy, despite what he did. I'm just sorry he deceived you for so long. But thank you for sharing it, because it gives me more reassurance that I am doing the right thing here.

 

I think people like this might actually believe their own BS about cheating. The hypocrasy is mind-boggling...I ignored an important rule that I live by and paid for it:

 

Beware of self-righteous people!!!

 

The more I read about cheating, the more I believe erring on the side of caution is the right way to go. A marriage can be saved after infidelity, but I think it only happens if there is complete honesty on the part of both parties, AND deception, infidelity, etc isn't an ingrained pattern of behavior. (By "saved" I mean turning it into a healthy relationship, not just staying together).

 

In my case, I never trusted my gut about the cheating, even though in retrospect there were tons of warning signs I should have heeded. And not just about infidelity, but other things as well.

 

Live and learn.

[Cimmie]

I found a bra she had left behind.

On purpose, of course.

What I am ashamed and humiliated to admit is that I trusted him so much

I believed the elaborate story he made up to explain its presense.

Then, I noticed marks on his body, which he also explained away.

A year later, he sent me an email to say he'd been sleeping with someone.

After ten years together, he didn't even have the nerve to tell me to my face.

And he STILL wanted me to stay in the relationship.

 

I'm still so humiliated by it.

[mariab.]

sorry to hear about how you guys found out. I know I would never cheat again. I just don't understand why people stay in relationships they know aren't going anywhere- with the hope of it being better? When do you give up? I guess it is different if you're married as opposed to dating. One of my friends caught her co-worker and boyfriend in bed together at his house- he explained she just"spent" the night and that "nothing" happened. Well he was a serial cheater and is still single while she is happily married to someone who worships the ground she walks on! But really, why oh why put people through this pain if you have no intention of leaving??!!

[Cimmie]

^^

Because - cliched but true - they want to have their cake and eat it too.

 

Or they enjoy the feeling of power they get from having two people on the go at the same time and being able to manipulate both, and the lies give them a thrill. Some people enjoy abusing, as odd as that sounds to the normal people...

 

Take your pick.

My ex falls into the latter category.

But he is probably a sociopath.

[CallingAllAngels]

Russell...

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to send me both those links.

 

I am definitely going to check them out.

 

I am in COMPLETE agreement with you about how a marriage can or cannot be saved after infidelity. HAD my husband been HONEST with me and shown REMORSE after the FIRST affair in 1999, we MAY have been able to work it out, and have a stronger marraige.

 

BUT, to lie and DECEIVE me for 7 years, and live with me as man and wife, look me in the eye and tell me over and over and over that NOTHING EVER happened between him and this OW is too much.

 

And then, to find out, for the past 3 years, he has been meeting woman who he does not know, via the Internet...just for sex...UNPROTECTED sex...not even knowing their NAMES...just sex, that's it....Never saw them before, never saw them again....And continuing to have sex with me? No no no no no no no no....that is too much for me to wrap my brain around. There is NO WAY I this "marriage" can be saved. I feel raped and violated. That probably does not make sense to anyone, but, that is how I feel. I just feel so ill. Basically, I have "slept" with every single man all these "woman" have slept with, and, he will NOT tell me how many "woman" he has met via the internet...he claims "not to remember". I don't even want to know. All I know is that, somehow, throught the Grace of God, I am HEALTHY...NOT ONE STD, including the BIG ONE...HIV. I thank Him every day...

 

And all this time, my husband was openly condeming people who cheat on their spouses like their will all rott in hell. Dunno Russell...honestly...do not know WHO I was married to for 12 year, and WITH for 22.

 

Again, thanks so VERY much for the information, and, I wish you the absolute BEST on your journey....

 

~Allie

[Darkeyes]

Hmmm.. first it starts as a gut feeling. You notice little changes in your SO in their behaviour. Start working out, getting new clothes, or so... Mind, that in itself is not too bad.. however, when your gut starts to react then subconsciously, you know something is amiss. My gut told me something was going on... even through all the vows of faithfullness and reassurance. Finally one day I looked up the topic of infidelity on the internet and found alot of help and advice. One hint I followed was to put a keylogger on the pc and see what she did when I was out of the house. Didn't take very long to find out she had a secret email account and was talking to different guys and hooking up with some. Her behaviour still brings feelings of disgust when I think about it. Anyway, my former SO is now my ex... no matter that I love/loved her... I will never accept that from the person I chose to be with. Guess that old saying ...that which doesn't destroy you, only makes you stronger... holds some merit after all...

[dollface82]

OK, bizarre story.

 

Boyfriend of 6 months told me he was going away for the wknd for work.

 

No big deal, I travel for work too.

 

I was driving to a friend's place on the weekend - I see my BOYFRIEND walking with another girl, and her dog. Not holding hands of anything. I was shocked.

 

I confronted them calmly, said Hi, thought you were meant to be away.

 

He said - I was - I was given the sack from my job yesterday, very upset, flew back in this morning, just wanted to talk to a friend before I saw you. Nothing going on with her.

 

She then said hi - known him for a while.

 

I just said "Ok then" and left. He then sent me a text saying he's really stressed out at the moment, and needs a bit of breathing space.

 

I've checked up - he has lost his job which is devestating.

 

Why didn't he tell me? Two weeks ago he told me he loved me (he's 33, I'm 24), wants a future toghether and looking at properties.

 

He's never mentioned her before, he knows my male friends.

 

What to think? Has he been cheating this whole time?

[mariab.]

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. You guys have been dating for only 6 months. But it's going to take alot for you to breathe deep and let go b/c the thought still lies that he turned to her 1st. Mmm..it is a tough one!

[dollface82]

I really don't know.

 

Its been 3 days, I havn't heard from him. His last text was "I won't be using this work phone anymore, lets take a bit of a break".

 

What to think of that?

[Losing it]

We run a business together and I jumped on his computer to get some info. When I booted it up...a message popup said you have 1 new message. I clicked on it and found hundreds of emails to and from prostitutes - the ones like on link removed and other high priced call girl's sites.