How do you know?

[marloborolights]

Ok I've been asking myself this question for a long time now and I can't come up with anything that is actually reliable.

 

How do you tell if a guy is gay or straight?

 

I'm 18 and have never been with a boy, I've only ever had girlfriends in the past, but I know I'm gay (not out). I really like this guy who I've known on and off for a couple of years and now we go to the same college. Recently we've become, in my opinion, fairly close; but that's mainly down to the fact that I drive him to college every day. I've always had an inkling that he might be gay, probably from his mannerisms and that way he acts, but now I'm getting the impression that maybe he's not. Occasionally he does act really gay (not camp) but I can't work out whether it's all just a joke or not. Basically, a lot of mixed signals.

 

I decided to play it cool and just be mates with him until I got to know him better, hoping ofcourse that I'd eventually get a definite yes or no. However this really hasn't gotten me anywhere - apart from having even more feelings for him! It's been a couple of months that this has been going on now and we've been out a few times just to the pub or cinema and stuff, but now he's apparently ignoring me. By that I mean not answering my calls or replying to texts (which by the way, I have kept to a minimum to try and avoid 'spooking' him).

 

Why is he ignoring me? Is he in denial and getting spooked by the whole thing or is he just straight?

[Locke2121]

Uh...ask him?

[marloborolights]

Well I'm not ready to come out, and especially not to a guy who I like who could turn out to be straight.

 

There must be ways of finding out without actually be upfront and blunt about it.

[rabbitskin]

Uh...ask him?

 

Maybe you don't even need to be this direct. Get him into a conversation about 'girls' or dates, or something related to relationships. The last time my gaydar was seriously confused I simply asked, "but you date here (the city) right?" to which the answer was, "Yes, I've dated women here (ah ha!) before"

[marloborolights]

Maybe you don't even need to be this direct. Get him into a conversation about 'girls' or dates, or something related to relationships. The last time my gaydar was seriously confused I simply asked, "but you date here (the city) right?" to which the answer was, "Yes, I've dated women here (ah ha!) before"

 

Maybe that could work. I've never known him to have a girlfriend, but then he seems to talk about famous women a lot...which is annoying lol. Then again he could be double bluffing, I don't know maybe I read too much into that stuff.

 

Even still, if he is a closet gay, then he's not gonna come out to me just because I ask him why he doesn't have a girlfriend. He'd probably make something up.

[rabbitskin]

Well, try bringing up famous figures. If you say "Freddie Mercury" and he snorts and says 'f*g', there's your answer. Or say that an actress is really pretty but not 'hot' or something.

You need to be smart and gauge his reations to stuff, not try to trick him into revealing that he's gay or not.

Of course, if you really become good friends, eventually he'll be comfortable enough to divulge relationship information of his own accord. Maybe you just need to be patient.

[marloborolights]

Well that's gonna be hard now that he's ignoring me. Any ideas on why that might be?

[jarod]

well the thing you have to wonder first is when he started to ignore you.. he started ignoring you when you did something to show him that you are gay during one of your dates or you haven't done anything? If the second then maybe he is waiting from you to do a move, so you can leave friendship and start flirting.. And since you have been out 3-4 times and you didn't do anything he might think you are not interested at him and he doesn't care being just a friend with you and nothing more.

 

Is he talking about famous women when you are just the 2 of you or in front others? If the second then maybe he is so scared about being a gay and he is trying to show that he is str8. And if he is saying such thing about famous women in front of you, you have to check the way he says that and the way he looks at you, maybe he wants to see your reactions if you seam jealous etc.

 

My opinion is to tell him that you like him.. you have nothing to loose if a friendship with him isn't something you really care about. but if its to soon for you to do such a big step then you can make him think that you like him and see how he reacts. if he cuts every communication with you then he is str8 but if he don't then probably he likes you back, or he is not sure yet about his sexuality.

[marloborolights]

thanks for your replies.

 

well the whole ignoring thing is a bit weird, cos it happened before but then he started talking to me again. but this time it was after i had invited him out for a drink, because i was 'bored'. i actually asked him twice, over the space of 3 days. the first day he said he couldn't because he had to be up early, fair enough, but when i asked him again after leaving it a day, he didn't reply to my message. also, i noticed today that while he was 'Online'/logged into myspace, he wasn't on msn. that made me think he's blocked me but maybe he just didn't log into msn.

 

when he talks about famous women it's just the two of us, but i only really see him when it's just the pair of us together. i think that you may be right in saying that perhaps he does it to see/hear my reactions to it.

 

no doubt he will ask me for a lift into college on monday though, so maybe he's just using me? i doubt it though.

 

i think, or at least i like to think that he's just uncomfortable with his sexuality and doesn't know how to handle it. it's so annoying for me though it's driving me crazy not knowing

[rabbitskin]

I don't know, your post is too vague on that point to figure out why he's not talking to you. When did he stop? Don't you see him to drive him to college? Did something happen the last time you met, that you can think of?

[marloborolights]

I don't know, your post is too vague on that point to figure out why he's not talking to you. When did he stop? Don't you see him to drive him to college? Did something happen the last time you met, that you can think of?

 

yeah bad timing lol, read my post above.

 

nothing bad happened the last time we met, i'm sure i'd remember something like that if it did

[rabbitskin]

Even if you're just 'driving to college' buddies, that isn't really 'using' you. Maybe he was busy. Maybe he doesn't drink, and doesn't want to say so.

At this point, you should probably just carry on as if nothing had happened- no big deal, right? It wasn't like you asked him on a date or anything, just a friendly drink.

He might just be a bit spacey and drop off the planet from time to time, some people do.

[marloborolights]

Even if you're just 'driving to college' buddies, that isn't really 'using' you. Maybe he was busy. Maybe he doesn't drink, and doesn't want to say so.

At this point, you should probably just carry on as if nothing had happened- no big deal, right? It wasn't like you asked him on a date or anything, just a friendly drink.

He might just be a bit spacey and drop off the planet from time to time, some people do.

 

 

i understand what you're saying and i guess it's always possible. i guess there's loads of possiblities too though, other than him just not liking me. the last time he didn't answer the phone and stuff, i just left it and the next day back at college i pretended it didn.t happen, or should i say pretended that it didn't bother me cos as you say it was just a 'friendly' drink. oh and i know that he does drink cos we've been out for a couple before.

 

ok so on monday i'll ignore the situation and see what he does about it, providing ofcourse that he asks me for a lift

[strongerthanever]

I feel I have to ask. If you haven't come out openly, perhaps he is in the same spot? If someone asks you, do you admit or deny? I only ask this because if he is str8 then what? I hope I'm not offending you in any way. I have many gay friends, I enjoy our times together immensly even though I am str8, but my friends are all open and that fact makes a difference for them, not for me. I adore them regardless.

Perhaps a discussion with the subject being a well known person that happens to be gay would give some clue.

[marloborolights]

there is always that possibility, that he's in exactly the same boat as me. if someone asks me if I'm gay or accuses me then i do deny it.

 

how do you bring up that sort of subject into a conversation though?

[jarod]

you can check my post bellow, ''my unlucky love story'' the situation its pretty much the same, maybe it will hep but maybe not. but at your place i did tell him i like him and we keep talking and going out together..

[marloborolights]

i'll give it a read

 

i have read a few other similar topics and they seem to help so

[marloborolights]

ok so we had a car accident on monday (some 14year old joyriders crashed into me) so im now getting the train with him until i get a new car. anyway things have been going fine all week and actually looking promising, but then this afternoon we went to a bar after college because we had time to kill for the train.

 

i'm sitting there thinking about bringing up his relationship history and if he likes anyone at the moment or whatever when he pops out the fact that he really likes this 'really fit girl' who he's been talking to the last 3days or so. i felt sick. but apparently she 'turned him down' (whatever that means, could mean all sorts..) at a results evening a couple of weeks ago. he then has the b*lls to complain about mixed messages! I didn't know what to say, apart from thinking how the * * * * can he sit there and talk to me about mixed messages.

 

im sure this could be read into as many ways as i like and over analysed but i think that's actually a pretty clear idea that he's straight.. i think it sounded quite genuine, as opposed to him just saying it to see my reaction, which wasnt great.

 

right or wrong? i'm so confused, feel like an idiot and dont know what to do

[swtsmr93]

Ok I am saying this with all of the kindness in the world because I wish someone had said it to me at some point.

 

It sounds like your feelings are really hurt over this. And you have invested a lot of time and energy trying to figure out if he likes you, if he's interested, if he is straight or gay, etc.

 

It's pretty natural. But it can also be a big sign there is something else going on that isn't so great. When you are too emotionally invested or emeshed or wrapped up in what the other person is saying or doing when you are not even sure what is going on, it's time to step back and find yourself again.

 

I am making assumptions and liberties with a posting I realize. But for some reason, this struck such a chord with me!

 

I do not want you to think I am saying there is something wrong with you or you are bad or flawed in some way! I am 38(I would bet you are much younger)and am just learning this lesson after some extremely painful situations where I have done this.

 

Please do not feel like you are an idiot. You are not. You like someone and trying to determine if someone is gay or straight just adds that extra element of the unknown.

 

I would try to tone down the intesity of trying to figure it out and try to just enjoy your friend and hanging out for now and if it goes somewhere great. And if not, then you will have a friend and you can say "next please."

[marloborolights]

i think i understand what you're saying but it's incredibly difficult to be around someone that you have feelings for and them not knowing it or not being able to express that.

 

another thing; we were on the train this morning and just talking about everything and nothing but then he randomly brings up homophobia? because apparently his french teacher went on a homophobia course because she thinks that half of the class is homophobic....he said he got into a debate about it with her and the class and he said he 'doesn't mind gays but he doesn't like those who flaunt it and feel the need to tell everyone they're gay'....and stuff like this...i just sorta shrank into my seat.

 

i thought that was really out of the blue and confused me even more? because in all honesty if i was straight or maybe even gay i can't imagine bringing something up like that with a male friend...it probably wouldn't even come into my head, but maybe that's just me

[jon 13]

bah, maybe you should try ordering one of those gaydar glass's off of ebay

[marloborolights]

bah, maybe you should try ordering one of those gaydar glass's off of ebay

 

lol tell me about it how good would that be

[pianoguy]

Hey marloboro,

 

Been in your position before... it sucks. *virtual hug*

 

I think there is a very high chance that he is straight. But, more importantly, if he is gay, he's not really the kind of person you can date. Think about it... even if he were gay he hasn't come to terms with the fact yet.

 

I find it's darn well near impossible to tell if someone is gay or not unless they are flaming, and I'm not attracted to those types. So, I think the best idea is just to be open with your sexuality and hope that others will find you. It ended up working for me.

 

As you get older it will be easier for you to be open, and you will find more people who are open with their sexuality. Are you going to college next year?

[marloborolights]

I think you speak a lot of sense and you're probably right. Even if he is gay he's obviously not ready for anything, which I can sort of relate with cos he's a year younger than me and a year ago I was pretty much in that position myself.

 

Yeah I'm back at college next year, why do you ask?

[Prufrock06]

How do you tell if a guy is gay or straight?

 

The one thing I've noticed about gaydar is that, contrary to popular belief, it does get better with age. I've always thought that my gaydar had a missing part (still waiting for the replacement piece in the mail) but I tend to find that it helps to just go on instinct sometimes. I would go for walks around my neighborhood at night and frequently pass by this guy and my first, gut reaction would be: Hmmm...he could be gay but I'm not sure. Nah, probably not... Sure enough, we met randomly in an online chatroom when he recognized my face and had thought the same thing about me. Now we walk around our neighborhood together testing our gaydar and I always think that, if I think the guy is gay but then immediately doubt my thoughts, he's gay.

 

But in all seriousness, that's unfortunately the one drawback to gay dating, is this constant questioning. Which, unfortunately, I don't think will change anytime soon. And it sucks having to feel like you need to corral yourself into "gay themed" bars, clubs, restaurants, etc. in order to meet someone. Wouldn't it be nice to meet someone at Starbucks or a Barnes and Noble instead of link removed? That's my dream, haha.