Understanding the significant other

[devast]

My new gf asked me today if she can have a four day vacation to another place.... A place which I cannot go because of my "single entry" visa in her country.... In short... "somewhere I cannot come"...

 

I felt bad... sad and upset..... of course... how can she ask me like that? she knows I can't go with her? we had plans for that four days to go to an island and be together... How can she ask me like that?

 

We argued... casually and calmly... it turns out she's just trying to make her secure the I really need her... She want to hear me say it... "Please don't go.. I need you here with me"...

 

I realized... back with my experiences with woman.... "woman are just so complicated".... understanding woman is just so hard especially if we, as a man, always try to apply our nature of being "logical" and seeing the situation in a broader sense... obvious and the abstract sense of the situation...

 

Woman... are hard to guess... they ask Questions where they want the opposite answer... sometime they know it already they just want to hear something... And sometimes they ask questions when they mean the right answer..

 

Its hard to understand woman sometimes.... My advice to all men...

 

Before you answer your logical and honest answer....

 

I would certainly suggest to start with the safest and positive intro.... "Honey you know I love you...... (then your logical or at least honest answer)...

 

 

Any guys want to add about how complicated it is to understand what woman wants?.... Lets go figure it out... this is going to be a good start to make our relationship last for the better..

 

How about you ladies? any ideas about men? how do you find trying to understand us(men)?

[Sylivia]

Hi,

You say new girl friend, and she's already thinking of testing your love?

Don't feel bad, she needs to understand your feelings too, and her own insecurities.

Tell her that the fact that you are troubled about it, shows you care for her.

Women think that men understand hints, men don't do hints, I have been married years, and we have known each other seventeen years, and I have only just realized that if a woman needs a man to do something, she has to ask him outright. Relationships are a two way thing, and it's good that you have only just started the relationship to iron this out now.

It's a bit unfair to say men do not understand us, for their to be any balance in a relationship there has to be good communication.

I'm sure that you will work something out together.

Good luck!

[JadedStar]

I don't think I'd be at all thrilled with someone who just asked me something like that to taunt me and make me upset. In fact, it would really TICK me off.

Those are little girl games. I honestly think she DID want to go and when she saw you getting mad relented and eased up on it.

 

To addresss your post, this is NOT a fair example of the difference between men and women. Mature women do not play b.s. games like that. I'd be really furious if my partner pulled that on me just to hear me say " i need you so much please don't go".

 

That would likely make me tell him get out of my face fool.

 

Please do not compare the rest of us ladies to your g/f who needs a lesson in maturity and tact.

[RayKay]

I don't think I'd be at all thrilled with someone who just asked me something like that to taunt me and make me upset. In fact, it would really TICK me off.

Those are little girl games. I honestly think she DID want to go and when she saw you getting mad relented and eased up on it.

 

To addresss your post, this is NOT a fair example of the difference between men and women. Mature women do not play b.s. games like that. I'd be really furious if my partner pulled that on me just to hear me say " i need you so much please don't go".

 

That would likely make me tell him get out of my face fool.

 

Please do not compare the rest of us ladies to your g/f who needs a lesson in maturity and tact.

 

Agree 100% with this.

 

Rather than take this as a lesson in learning to "understand women", I would recommend you take this as a little sign of the potential of your girlfriend to be a bit emotionally manipulative.

 

It is hard to understand what anyone "wants" when they play games and don't communicate what they want.

[This Little Lady]

I'd have to say I agree with RayKay and Jadedstar. Thats not a good thing for her to be doing. I mean look how hurt you felt when she said she wanted to go on a vacation alone? For someone to do that to you over and over again could overall hurt you quite a bit. It could lead you to distrust her as you'll always be wondering what she really means by her line of questioning.

 

Maybe just ask her to flat out ask you. I would have rather she said "If I went on a trip would you miss me? Would you ask me not to go?" than go all the way to toy with you.

[justdoyou]

You obviously don't know each other well yet. Take more time to get to know your new girl.

 

As far as understanding women... Women and men are different. Women desire loving acts and men desire respect. I can imagine you felt disrespected when she changed the vacation plans and I'm guessing her change of plans came to be because she was seeking reassurance from you. Yes, she's being adolescent - but somewhere in this story is a woman who is questioning whether her man loves her (based on however she defines love).

 

Do you know what love looks like to her? More importantly, can you articulate what respect is to you?

 

Since your relationship is new, I betting neither of you know what love and respect are to each other. You may be knee deep in the hormonal highs and lows of attraction - which has absolutely nothing to do with love or respect, let alone understanding men and women.

[ghost69]

if a new girl asked me something like that to spurn a reaction, i'd be out. kind of a red/psycho flag for me.

[ycmanvs]

I do not believe in hints. Just say what you want. Don't use tests and try to manipulate the other person. What kind of relationship is that? That is one of the reasons why it is very hard for me to have relationships with other women. I don't sit around and try to analyze every little subtext of every little conversation or action of the other person.

 

I have many male friends and I understand them better than women and I communicate with them better than I do with women. However, as a result, I end up being one of the guys, and get accused of being not feminine enough.

 

Everyone is different and it is hard to make such sweeping generalizations about the sexes, but a manipulator male or female is not a healthy partner.

[drewciouS281]

Games that soon in??? whoo weee your in for a bumpy ride!!!

[devast]

WOW..... Good point to all of you... Sorry.. I don't mean to disrespect or anything of that kind... Just trying to understand what woman wants...

 

I thought about that too... red flags and all that warnings.. however there isn't certainty to this pressumed red flags on her, as far as our situation is concerend... But I am not ignoring it either..

 

One of the thing that I am having a hard time understanding her or this red flags about her, is that... we have a communication barrier in between us... We are from different countries and I must admit she can't express herself well in English...Bad grammar... She can't really use well the past,present and future tense of a word...etc... So I really have to reanalyze the words that she's using everytime we talk...

 

Thanks for all the support... Red flags had been noted...

 

Her grammar and the fact the most woman in my experience do not directly say what they really mean in their minds.... just makes it more complicated for me to really understand her intentions...

 

Drewcious.... I'm not sure of how bumpy it is.... but me and her are always bumpious (if this is a word LOL)...

 

But then again red flags noted... I am not giving her access to my bank account yet.. LOL

Cheers to all

[devast]

if a new girl asked me something like that to spurn a reaction, i'd be out. kind of a red/psycho flag for me.

 

Actually when she asked me that Q.. I really thought, it was a stupid Q...

I said, to my mind, this is it... I have to stop... I have to let it it go...

 

So I told her during our bit of arguments.... I said... its ok just go ahead, go there... I will just make myself occupied for four days... I just told her to just have fun... I made my voice in a more relaxed and calm, yet powerful...like she would know if she do that, I am out of her life...

 

But she panic as we hang up the phone... she called back... like what do I mean.... she's so curious, like... "That's it?! I will just let her go away?... she was hoping I would really tell her "no, don't go"...

 

Yet.... red flags are noted...

[EvaGina]

Red flag, yes... something relationship destroying? no...

people mess up, and perhaps you could look at what you could do to make her feel more appreciated, so she wouldnt feel she needed to manipluate you like htat.

 

I am NOT condoning her actions, but every relationship problem is a combination of BOTH parnters.

 

lol at men being logical... what a pile

[devast]

I agree with you E It is a red flag yet Ihave to reanalyze her way of expressing herself especially in English... I have to look deeply on her gestures and boddy languages to understand her motive for asking a childish or stupid Q... I have to reconsider because, she is just really trying to be "cute"...

 

Well, I've had a lot of experience with gf asking me stupidlike Qs which is most of the time annoying to me... but their reasons is they just find it "cute" to see me upset which in their childish sense means I really care for them...

 

Sometimes woman just wants to be reassured over and over that you love them... So sometimes they do things to get a reaction from their bf... Hopefully the reaction that they have in mind.... which is by far the hardest thing I could guess... which sometime just lead to a lengthy argument... But in the end... in my experience... they just want you to reassure them your love for them...

 

Just say the magic words guys.... the argument will not be that long... just say it....

 

I love you.... I miss you... I think about you day and night... night and day.. etc... etc... etc...

 

Tip for guys like me who wouldn't stop falling in love no matter how many exs have broken our hearts:

 

As long as you can constantly reassure your gf you love her (note) "at the very moment she wants to be reassured"... We have a good chance she will not leave us for another man.... Reassuring your gf everyday and every moment when she's not thinking about it will make us look weak and needy... ladies wouldn't appreciate it anymore... it will annoy them...

 

I guess this is where I mostly fall down, and as a result, my exs have lost the spark they saw in me...

 

When I got very busy with work and a lot of things, while in a steady relationship for a longer time, I became relaxed that the love is always present like it used to be....I have forgotten to reassure my ex once in a while...It caused most of my relationships...

 

Guys if ever your gf/wife ask you stupid Q or like just wanting attention from you... PAY ATTENTION.... say the words... Don't say.. "we've been together long time you know it already"... or "why would you ask me that? you know it already".... Men... just say it... and better yet, the next day send her a flower...

[EvaGina]

Guys if ever your gf/wife ask you stupid Q or like just wanting attention from you... PAY ATTENTION.... say the words... Don't say.. "we've been together long time you know it already"... or "why would you ask me that? you know it already".... Men... just say it... and better yet, the next day send her a flower...

 

yep

and to explain the womens side a bit better, we are BOMBARDED with information every day ("jokes" articles, stories, just general pop culture) that men dont want real relationships, that we are to shut up and put up with things if we arent happy...

 

so we test you, its NOT a conscious thing... dont think we are evil, but its just because we feel stupid admitting vunerablilty and insecurity...

 

We also HATE being hte one to initiate all affection. Every now and then, say, once a day, be the one to come up to her and tell her you love her, or just hold her...

Dad went to councelling, and the one thing he has always rememberd from it was to tell mum he loves her at least once a day. Men forget to do that kind of thing, women dont (generally)