To stay or not to stay

[Mzs]

I posted here a few months ago, asking for help with my boyfriend's jealousy problems. I came away from it deciding that I was gonna come from work, pack up everything, and go home. I came home that night, and about forty steps from the door, I changed my mind. I've felt very detached from my boyfriend ever since then.

 

Here's the story as short as I can make it:

 

My boyfriend and I met in Winnipeg two years ago (he lived in Calgary, I lived in Ontario). I was dating someone at the time, nothing serious, but I made up some silly reasons to break it off with him after I came back home from Winnipeg.

 

My boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship for almost a year; talking on the phone and online constantly. Over this year, he had some serious jealousy problems. He didn't like it when I even spoke to another male, was convinced every male I was friends with had a crush on me (and that I had a crush on them), which was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I threatened to break up with him multiple times because of it, but never did. I moved in with him one year ago, dropping out of grade 12 to do so, as well as leaving my entire family and every friend I have so I could be with him.

 

The jealousy problems continued after I moved in. When I first started working, he'd constantly be asking me who I talked to that day, did I talk to any boys, blah blah. He does this MUCH less now, though. At the height of these problems, I posted on these forums asking for advice, and came away from it deciding that I was going to move back in with my parents in Toronto (this isn't a problem -- one phone call and they will get me a plane ticket for that evening.)

 

We have other problems... mainly right now, we just fight a lot. Well, we fought a lot before, too. We've had at least one or two fights a week ever since we started dating. But online, we didn't really feel the full force of it. Now that we live together, it's just full-blown screaming matches, over the stupidest of things (truth be told, it's usually over computer games). He also hasn't had a job in six months, meaning I pay for EVERYTHING. Frustrated with this, I went to another forum asking for advice. Almost 95% of the people who replied told me that I'd had enough and I should leave.

 

In talking about it, I realised that I'd left mentally the first time I'd posted on a forum. I keep all of my thoughts to myself. While I still have no trouble showing affection (I admit, I love to cuddle), and I know in my heart, I really do love him... Sometimes I just think I don't love him "that way" anymore. I think I only love him as a really close friend.

 

This is why it's so hard for me to leave. So... reasons why I've stayed thus far...

 

Every time I bring up leaving, he thinks up ways to make it better, tells me not to give up on him, etc. The one time I almost left (packing and everything), he just clung to me and cried and begged. I can't continue leaving with someone doing that to me.

 

Someone suggested to me I have someone get him out of the house so that I can pack up and leave, but there's really no way to get him out. He's in the house 24/7 and he only leaves when he's going somewhere with me.

 

I stay because we have fun together sometimes. I stay because he's able to convince me that things will change. I stay because he wants me to. I stay because I don't have the courage to leave. But I want to leave.

 

I'm not sure why I'm posting, because the answer is pretty clear. If you want to leave, you shouldn't be there. You should leave. But I can't do it.

 

I've had people online offer to meet up with me IRL and help me leave. But I don't want them to.

 

I know that I could call my parents right now, and have a plane ticket home for this evening. But I won't call them.

 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid to do something for myself. But I don't want to look back and regret leaving, either.

 

So confused.

[ButterflyWrists]

just have a holliday away from him... and slowly move back in... he dont even need to know?

[greenmonster]

The only thing that you'll end up regreting is not getting out of this situation right now.

 

You know what you have to do...otherwise its just going to drag on and on and eventually get worse. every day that it continues it will make it harder to step away...

 

you simply have to do what is right, and what is best for you.

 

I wont lie...its very hard...especially when someone is crying and begging...but you have to do it.

 

Don't spend a long time drawing things out...you have already left him in your mind...all you have to do now is walk away.

 

pack up your stuff as fast as possible and already have the plane ticket in hand...don't faulter...just go.

 

things are not going to get better there with him...

 

good luck

[RayKay]

Well aside from having to just say how awesome the 'Peg is (since I live here!)....

 

You must be quite young if you were in Grade 12 when you moved in with him/started dating him.

 

I think honey you must leave this guy....I will say that as much as you resent him now, wish you had left before....it is going to be even worse in 1, 5, 10 years. You are too young (not that you are ever too old too do so) to spend your life feeling this way....

 

It is sad you dropped out of school for him and so on already...now it is NOT too late to go back...but you should NEVER need to make such drastic changes to your own life in order to be "loved" by someone.

 

I have no doubt you do love him, but it is extremely unhealthy to be trapped by his jealousy....and for you to be feeling like a prisoner of sorts in your own home. Of course he will put up a tantrum for you to stay...which is why you really need to do it in a public place and have your out (like the plane ticket).

[Zackinlaw]

Sometimes I just think I don't love him "that way" anymore. I think I only love him as a really close friend.

 

I think that sometimes that there can be so much damage in a relationship that the spark and chemistry can be killed. Once that happens, there is no way you can get it back (I don't know anyone who has fallen in love, fallen out of love and fallen back in love with the same person). Once that is gone, there is no reason to stay in the relationship. Besides, I wouldn't count on him changing any time soon if I were you.

 

Zack.

[ghost69]

so many things you have said already point to leaving. your mind is made up already. but your heart holds on cause you care for him. it's always okay to care for someone.