Alone Now

ITIC, are you sure you are over this MW and ready to start something new with possible new guy? PLEASE give serious consideration to this. It sounds as though you are cheating yourself the opportunity to grieve the loss of this MW even if he is MW and what disservice are you subjecting yourself and quite possibly the new guy to? Jumping from MW to the new guy only spells disaster for both of you. You may not agree with me but I know what I am talking about. You may think that you are completely over MW right now but how could you be? It has only been a few weeks and you have picked up with someone new. MW has obviously hurt you a great deal and beginning a new relationship with new guy would be a big mistake in my opinion because it is clear that you still care a great deal for MW. Regardless of whether you think you are done with MW and are completely over MW, you should take quite a few months to be on your own because jumping from one to another to another just for companionship is very dangerous for all concerned. What if MW does change, even though you don't think he will, what happens with new guy? Does new guy deserve this flip flop? Do you deserve to get lost in someone else when you are still having thoughts and dreams of MW? In reading your blogs, which I have enjoyed and learned so much from, I see a pattern developing. You were with MW and then the quasi-man, then MW and now new guy. Why would you subject yourself to this heartache? And why would you allow yourself the possibility of hurting someone new while you carry a large amount of concern for MW? It really doesn't see fair to all parties. Take it with a grain of salt, but I think you are doing yourself, MW, the quasi-man and the new guy a GREAT disservice and I feel bad for all of you. Especially the potential new guy. PLEASE reconsider starting something new while still obviously loving and caring about MW. He might not be great, but he still is a huge part of your heart and your life. You need to mourn the loss, be it in terms of months or years and not by starting a new relationship with a new guy. If new guy is meant to be then he will understand and possibly appreciate your need to be on your own for a couple of months. If he is to be the new guy, he will wait for you and if not and if he is pushing for a relationship so darned close to the break up with MW, what does that say about him also? Rushing into a new relationship with new guy? Who would benefit from this? No one I'm afraid. I'm so sorry for being so blunt but I think I have made a few valid points for you to consider. AN

ITIC, please see below

I have decided to check the message from MW. It was cute and playful and completely what I expected. But not two minutes after checking the message the GF sent me a picture of a gorgeous rainbow. He sent it for no reason at all.

Mr. Wrong tried to call me just now and I looked at my cell phone and got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wondering if I should answer it or just let it ring. I chose the latter and now there is a voice mail. Do I listen or do I delete and in doing so remember all the heart ache he caused? I haven't spoken to GF as I want to leave him out of it but I am torn because his advice was always on point.

Wow! Good for you!

With the help of ITIC I contacted my greatest friend and he responded with a kind response. I don't know how long I will need this support, but it has been great and unwavering. I was told that I focused on myself and ITIC was right. So I sat down and thought about all the male friends I had made over the past couple of years and I even wrote down their greatest strengths and weaknesses, as silly as that sounds. And this included Mr. Wrong and every single other guy I had encountered in the past year or so and as try as hard as I might, I kept coming back to this one friend. Like ITIC he gave me great advice without being pushy, he held my hand through a tragic break-up with Mr. Wrong a couple of times and even tried to warn me that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. He made me laugh, we talked for hours and it seemed like only a few minutes. We would send goofy messages to each other and he would send me flowers to my classroom for no reason what so ever. He is kind and sweet and a true gentleman. I thank ITIC so much for pushing me to this excercise, though she never suggested it out right. What I finally determined was that the GF (great friend) means more to me than I ever thought. Initially I thought we would be hang around friends and we would go to shows together and it was never sexual; but it was never non-sexual either. I felt safe with him and often compared him to Mr. Wrong, but GF stood his ground and helped me anytime I made a mistake. Mr. Wrong often would be there when it was his time away from his wife. GF made time for me. I made time for Mr. Wrong. I know, I know, ITIC, it seems like I am making this about me, but I'm really not, I am just explaining how I came to the conclusion. Who knows what will happen with the GF becuase I'm not going to discount the possibility that as we renew our friendship something greater may occur. I think what I learned was that I had completely took him out of the equation when the answer to the question, or at least part of the answer, was him! I am going to take things slowly with GF because I don't want to mess things up. I also came to this revolation because I was so quick to jump into a relationship right after Mr. Wrong exited the scene again. And it was a disaster because of the emphesis that I placed on the new guy. I needed some time alone and as it turns out the new guy wasn't as nearly as charming as I thought he was and that he built himself up to be and it took a couple of months to find out that he was full of it. I thought I was taking a step forward from Mr. Wrong and it turns out I was taking multiple steps to the rear. So I learned a valuable lesson in progressing s-l-o-w-l-y into a new budding relationship because if I had to do it all over again, I would watch how quickly I became attached to the new guy. With GF I am attached because we have history. Not all of it good but the good out weights the bad and at the end of the day he really is my GF and I missed him while we weren't talking and I worried about him a lot (he is in the police academy down here in Orlando). So thank you all and I will continue to write and check in because nothing is quite as it seems I think. But I want to give this to ITIC because she really is the best!

I miss him like I miss the me that only he knew about. I hope others don't make the same mistake I have. If you have a dear great friend, remind them of their importance in your life.

I know the feeling ITIC, I am considering hiring a personal trainer or someone to write workout plans for me to help me get back in shape!

I almost called you last night to beg you to come over and hang out. Mainly I just wanted to be held by you. Instead of getting easier, I find myself yearning to be loved by you the way only you knew how. I need to learn that I have lost my best friend because I was out looking for the new romance of my life and you were were supportive of me in every way. God, what a mistake I made.

I ask myself the very same question fig. Unfortunately I know the answer. I'm the one who didn't love the man. I did, but could never tell him because of my own fears.

I have taken the time, as painfully as it was, to actually think about you this morning. And I cried knowing that you were always there for me and I treated you like a ghost. How could you stand seeing me flirt and find other men? How was it that I turned a blind eye to you being the one who would have loved me without a question if I had just taken the time? I know your life was no party but you always put me ahead of your own problems. You were the one true man that I could turn to in times of need and you never failed to make me laugh and cry and want to know more about you. Not enough to actually ask you questions, but you knew the things to say without any prompting on my part. You have so many things that I want in my life and in my world. Not material things but your goodness and kindness and the way you help people you don't even know. You are this man who finds the good in everyone and takes the time to look at the positive angle even if no one else can see them. Did I leave you with anything positive or did I really just take from you? I can remember the very first conversation we had on the phone over a year ago. We laughed the entire damn time and I felt like you were different from all the other men I had met. You actually got the weird things I would say and play off of them. I let you get close but always pushed you away when you hit a certain point of my falling in love with you. You were free with your expressions of your faith in me when no one else had any faith in me. My friends said that you were perfect, but in my mind you were just a passing phase at best because I was never really going to give you the chance to know me. But you continued to be my friend no matter how hard I pushed you away until finally you broke. And now I wonder if I was pushing you away because you saw the good in me even when I refused to see it myself. You taught me so many things like how to love myself and see the good I had to offer. And what did I do? I took these incredible gifts you taught me and used them for my own benefit in looking for someone else. How foolish of me! You aren't the most handsome man I have ever met, I admit that, but your heart is the most beautiful one I have ever encountered. My friends kept saying that I should have given you a chance even when I took up with Mr. Wrong time and again. And what did I do? I pushed you away even further because you made me think about you when I was with him. Mr. Wrong would say horrible things about you and I would giggle and agree because I wasn't strong enough to stand my ground for you - you the stand up guy. I miss holding your hand as we used to when walking down the street. I miss the way you made me feel so incredible safe when I was with you. Did I fall in love with you and deny it to myself? Probably.

For the first time since I can remember I am aching wanting to talk to my friend. It is all so painful, I've been hunting for someone out there and I'm slowly realizing that HE is right there. I've known him for a year plus. He is charming and honest and funny and the stand up kind of guy that I have been begging for and because I wasted so many hours looking for someone who I thought would be Mr. Perfect, I lost the man who would have stood by my side through thick and thin. A man who has his faults but tried to better my life as well as his own. And I still so blind as to want someone, an unproven quantity when all along I just needed my friend? Am I willing to risk the security of knowing that this man knows me better than I probably know myself just because I didn't think he was the person I wanted in my life? Scratch that. I NEED him in my life. And I am so sad right now that I could just spit. I know that ITIC gives sound advice, but if I could give her one piece of advice it would be to forget the ex, forget the new interest and simply find the quality you are looking for among your strong base of Wingman, SC and anyone else and let the hunt for someone new go. I have been in her position and I failed each and every time. It took this last event for me to realize that I had all those things I was looking for in one stand up guy. A guy who would go to bat for me every time. A guy who loved me for me and not for the thrill of the chase or trying to sleep with me. A guy who loved me and liked my friends and who my friends liked because he treated me like a queen even though we weren't intimate. Am I still so stupid not to run to him and tell him that he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in such an incredibly long time? I do love this man because he is honest and strong and sincere and believes that it is more important to do the right thing for the right reason and to be a man in the difficult times and not just when he thinks he is being noticed. Again, I say to you ITIC, consider what you are doing. Is it worth ruining friendships that you have built over long stretches of time. Stay safe with your home base for a while and enjoy the freedom to be who you want to be and not rush into a relationship or even try to build a relationship. I would give my eye teeth to have the nerve to call my greatest friend and tell him how much I miss him and need him and love him.

I can't sleep because my mind is racing around the fact that I have lost my friend. Forget the ex and forget looking for another to replace the ex. I WANT MY FRIEND BACK! Where is ITIC when I need her advice?

Forget the ex, I want my greatest friend back. He allowed me to be myself and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. He gave the greatest hugs and preferred that I let myself act like me! ITIC, I would suggest and hope that you don't race into another relationship, it could be devastating. I did the same thing and now I have no friend to turn to because I forgot he existed. I was too busy looking for a quick fix.

No I don't think so, I think my friend was just trying to be there for me and it became difficult for him to watch the spiral that I allowed myself to get into. Now that I think about it though, he would have been perfect for me because he helped me grow as a woman and helped me face demons that I decided were just interesting quirks. He had a way of saying things and offering advice without making himself seem like he was doing it. He would just do it. And he was so sweet and such a stand up guy who I constantly pushed away because I thought he was in the way. Boy was I ever wrong. I mentioned earlier, he was a pain in the butt, and I pushed him aside more than once, but a better friend I could never hope for. He was honorable to a fault and a man of faith and a man who stuck to his word on any and all topics even when the topic was uncomfortable for me. He was the kind of male friend that every woman dreams of and I had him right there and decided that he was just a friend and not the greatest friend I would ever have. Yes, the ex was married and he would be attentive and clever and pretend to be friends with my friends when all he really wanted was for people to think he was cool. It was so uncomfortable to go out with him and my friends and know that my friends really hated him and they would even ask about my friend friend in front of him. The ex was too full of himself and the friend was the exact polar opposite. Does any of that make sense?

ITIC I wish you had messaged me. Someone else who has been there and done that I think I have a perspective of not going out and looking for someone new too soon that might save you some unnecessary craziness.

ITIC I know where you are coming from. I had the exact same type of a relationship with a man who failed to mention that he was still married and I did the same thing you were thinking about a funeral pyre and it was empowering to know that I was rid of him in every way imaginable. Until he contacted me and we almost fell into the same pattern of attention and then disappearance. He went as far as to say he would leave his wife to be with me but it never happened and I finally cut all ties with him. I had a great friend who would listen to my story of woe and was always able to make me laugh. And I did the exact thing you are contemplating in exploring someone new and as a result I lost that friend. I miss the friend more than the ex and I would give anything to regain his friendship but I feel as though he would reject my attempts. That is why I'm on enot, not because of the ex but because I had the greatest friend in the world and I blew it. He would have done anything for me and I guess I forgot the positives that he gave me in my life like guidance, laughter and a host of other traits that I was learning from him about me! Now that friend is gone and I can't believe how endearing he is to me now. I would call him and talk for hours about everything under the sun and now he has pulled away for his own sanity I suspect. How do I let him know that I regret overlooking his kindness and rebuild a trusting friendship again? As far as I know he could be the man of my dreams but I wasn't willing to explore the day to day life changes with him. He helped me grow and I learned so much about myself with this guy and I feel like I have let myself down because I was looking for the new person.

I would love to have someone who I could call and just hang out and talk and joke and laugh and play! I had a partner once who I could talk to about anything and he always gave me sound advice and never to the detriment of making me feel small but empowered and stronger for knowing him. It's funny how that works. I went looking for someone else and lost his lifeline to a world that I wanted to learn more from him. Maybe I should have told him that I loved him more often or that I should have been the one to initiate going to the park or bar or just hang out at one of our houses. But he is gone on now and I am desperate to regain the friendship we had, my problem is that he no longer has an interest in being my friend so I feel I'm the one who lost a grand experience. It sounds as though this person you write about screwed you over ten ways to Sunday and I hope you are rid of him forever. Did he teach your child how to ride a bike because he cared about your child or was it something he felt he had to do to string you along. It sounds as though he kept you strung along. And I hope you find someone that you can turn to during the great and not so great experiences of your life. Someone that you can learn from and who offers you sound advice without harsh criticism and that you both can learn from. It was hard for me to find out too late that I had a friend like that and he was right in front of my face. And now I see the roles are reversed as I would give anything to just be able to call him and say "let's go to the Hard Rock, a great new band is playing" or "how about meeting me to get something to eat". I was in your shoes also IThinkICan and was used and treated like a piece of waste paper and the entire time I had a friend cheering me on to be a better woman. I guess we never know what we missed until it is gone. I hope you take my advice and are able to say goodbye to this person and look around your collective base of Wingman and SC and anyone else that matters and find peace in those who care and love you without being full of ***** and playing with your emotions. Maybe that person is already in your base of friends? This is what all women of today deserve! A stand up guy who has his faults but is there 100% of the time even when we don't want them to be.

I also had a dream. A dream that you and I were back to basics of a friendship but no matter how hard I try, I know it is not meant to be. Having this knowledge doesn't make it any easier to get over you, in fact it makes it harder. I AM STILL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU! Am I blocking the view of finding someone else? Why can't you see me?

How do I let you know I still love you without putting myself out there for your dismissive response? Would you even care that all I can think about is being in your arms for a little while? Would you even care if I told you or am I better off knowing that you will never see me as I see you? It's so darned hard for me to want you and to be with you and know in my heart that I don't even exist in your world. And when your next victim figures you out I have to wonder if I will be willing to be there available to you and I am afriad that my answer is going to be "yes". I would take you back in a heartbeats heart beat because I know how well we work together when we are on the same page. I'm afraid though the novel has ended.

I can't even bring myself to go grocery shopping for fear of running into you. And if I did see you would you even care? I am standing right in front of you wanting to give you all of me and you just don't give a damn!

I tossed and turned all night and woke up in a panic. It seems so hard to get over you and the word on the street is that you have not trouble chasing other women now. My heart breaks a little piece at a time when I think that you have completely gone your own way and I am still here lamenting about the past year. Today is just another day with nothing to look forward to because I know you aren't in my corner. I love you without putting pressure on you and have offered to take care of your every need but it seems like that isn't good enough. You are in some sick race to find someone else who will turn you on and then what? What happens when you get your heart broken? Unfortunately I already know the answer to that question. You will pay attention to me for a couple of days until your wounds heal and then you will look for another. Someone who might be prettier, someone who you see as your future and I will again be left feeling exposed and lonely. Why can't you see me? Feel me the way you once claimed you could even though we were miles apart?

Would sending him the package make you feel like things have truly ended? Are you sure you're not just looking for a reaction? If it is really over why not just toss the items in the garbage?

I completely agree with you and my heart, as broken as it might be, goes out to you!

Old friends are often the best friends! I have a friend that i go to college with and she has made me think so many positive things!