Alone Now

The one lesson I have learned from MW is that I would rather deal with the loneliness than with the heartache.

This is probably the most difficult day I have had concerning you MW. I hate myself for constantly breaking NC with you. What is this pull? What is it about you that I can't seem to get over? I know I will never find the true love if I am constantly being draw to you. I even broke up my friendship with J because you told me to and that has me very confused as to this "power" you have with me. I will see NG, but right now I wish I were dead.

Everything I do reminds me of you. I can barely watch TV right now. Everything. It hurts so much right now, I can barely get up and function. I don't know why I allowed myself to fall in love with you. You have your woman and I am spending countless hours waiting for my phone to ring, knowing that it won't ring anytime soon because of the woman. God I hate you and love you all at the same time. I would give up everything to be with you sans my little man and even now I'm losing concentration with him because I want to be with you, see you, touch you and kiss you. But this is all just a game to you isn't it? Give a little attention and draw back. It is how it has always been and I can't keep getting my hopes up for those few moments when you pay attention to me.

What is wrong with you? What is it about me that makes you feel like you can come and go as you please? Why don't you understand that I love you unlike anyone else I have ever loved. I am now in a depression because you come and go. I feel like I want to throw up every morning when i don't hear from you.

MW: You continue to draw me in even though I want no part of you. You are the best lover ever but a horrible person otherwise. There is absolutely no relaxing with you. I have to act a certain way when we are together. I can speak freely but if I say something you disagree with, you blow up and what was once a very fun back and forth of ideas, now has turned into a lesson in whatever topic we were discussing. You make me feel like a dumb child one minute and then the next you act and talk to me like I am to be your mother. There was a time where I found peace with you, now on those rare occasions you pop over I feel nothing but angst. How could you do this to me and my little man? My son is so confused and it is partially because of you. And partially because I am being selfish and want to see you over and over again. How can I hate someone so much and want to make love to them at the same time. Is sex really that important?

This sounds like you are also grieving his passing. And that right now you are in the second stage of grief. Anger. And that is certainly expected. I am glad you have this safe place to vent.

I enjoyed our time together MW but it ended all too briefly and now I guess it is time for you to go back into hiding. You told me that you would leave her for me but there is no evidence to suggest you will. But you know what MW? I don't care, I gave up NG for you even though he is still trying to call me and I respond to his calls just to make sure I have some male contact. J graduated from the police academy first in his class so I'm told and I'm sorry I wasn't there to cheer him on, but like I said before, if I get to spend even an hour with MW then I will take it. I feel a little bit bad that no one was there for J's graduation because of his mom's health (she was recently diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, ironic how my female best friend died of the exact same thing, and now my male best friend has a relative dying of the same,so I wonder how J's mom is going to manage) and the simple fact that they live in North Carolina, but I have to do what I have to do to make me happy and to help me feel like a woman. So J was all alone when his name was announced; that's OK, it wasn't my job to be there.. J will always be around for when I need him, to help pick up the pieces when my heart is broken. It is nice to know I don't have to worry about that. A couple of nicely worded phone calls and he will get sucked back into my vortex (someone elses words not mine) and all will be right with the world. Am I using J? I don't know, but I do know he will forever be there when I need him or want to have some fun. MW is a little tougher because of his current living situation. But like J, I will always be there for MW. "Just a phone call away" as they say. Knowing this and accepting it makes it a less bitter pill to swollow. But I am being selfish and I'm OK with that. NG will also be kept in my stable because I like the attention he pays me. Again, I am being selfish and again I really don't care. He is a fun distraction when MW is unavailable and J is out being a cop. As for my little man, this is all very confusing to him and like I said, I am now going to become very selfish when it comes to men. Lucky for me, little man heads to Maryland to spend time with his dad. That gives me two months to sow my oats, to discover myself and to have FUN! I thought and fought about not seeing anyone for a while, six months in fact, but the more I read on this blog the more I am convinced that I was the only one who thought seriously about celibacy and according to several people like ITIC, meow, and a couple of other new pm friends, I was being stupid thinking that working on myself would help. Why bother I decided. I'll never get over MW and so I might as well deal with it and keep seeing him as his chick on the side. NG fills in the blanks and because he is so cute, I can see enjoying the beach, drinks and many a night in the sack, just because I can. J isn't going anywhere because he is a friend and I know I can sweet talk him into doing whatever I want and whenever I want. It's great to know that J is becoming a comfortable lap dog for me. It's fun! Bring it on summer!

LD's are hard at best especially when you have the impression that he wasn't true to you the entire time. My LD is similiar Ann, he would come into town when we lived further apart for a couple of nights a month and would be there primarily for the sex. And then he would simply leave. He was smart enough to call every couple of days, but I always knew he had someone on the side but I didn't realize he had a wife. I was devestated at first and have come to accept that he is a weak knee'd coward and is trying to play us both off.

You graduate from the police academy today and even though you invited me, I will not attend. While I know I would be the only one there for you since your family is in North Carolina and will not be able to come down for the ceremony, I have to be just a phone call away for MW. My little man has been wearing the policeman outfit you got him for last Halloween the last few days expecting to go this afternoon; he will be disappointed. But J, I have to be true to myself and selfishly I need to be available should MW call and want to come over.

And because of my obsession with MW, I have lost my greatest friend J as a result of it. J told me two days ago that I am too unstable for even a friendship with him because I am not, nor will I ever be completely over MW. He is right of course because MW is still very mich in the forefront of my mind. MW is basically a weak coward, but he is who I am drawn to. J, I wish you hadn't come to the conclusion that you have, but it is something that I will have to deal with. I certainly will miss your friendship and your funny jokes and the way you made me feel safe. Am I being selfish? Oh, absolutely. But as long as MW shows even a little interest in me, then I belong to him whether I care to admit it or not. I will probably date other men to compensate for the lonely times when MW isn't around or is with his wife. My son will understand none of this of course, but I am allowing myself to be selfish and try and capture a man who I will never get. J, I will miss you , but like I just said, I am going to be selfish and maybe somewhere down the line you and I will be able to talk again and see how our lives are. But for now I understand that you are nothing more than a fly in the oinment, the oinment being MW. Maybe we will be friends again and maybe we won't but for right now, I am pursuing MW because I want to stay permenently connected to him even if it is for a few hours here and a few hours there. I know MW will then disappear, but I don't care, my own self respect is secondary to being in the arms of MW.

ITIC I hope you don't mean that you are seriously considering picking back up with b. You have so much life to offer to others, including your daughter, than to get sucked up into b's issues. What about your happiness? What about all those who care for you? Are you willing to shut everyone out?

J: Do you know what you mean to me? How much of a fun friend you are? How could I have blown what should have been wonderful and spiritual and kind all over two men who mean nothing to me. Is it possible that I am capable of breaking my own heart? How do I ask you to forgive me?

I feel sick to my stomach. It's not the NG or MW but it's J. My best friend J. I miss him, I miss the way he is polite and makes me feel safe. I miss his sense of humor, I miss the way we communicate. And I think unless I do something quickly, I will have lost my best friend for good.

It's a Friday evening and it is beautiful outside. My son keeps asking when are you going to come over J? I ask myself the same thing because I miss my best friend more than you will ever know.

Another night of not being able to sleep. I find my mind wonders between MW, who still hasn't left his wife, and J, who would have given up anything for me. Why am I such a fool? First MW - you used me time and again and I have nothing to show for it. I really wish you would just disappear and let me get on with my life. Great sex or not, you are too much to handle and are all over the place. I need reliablity. I need consistancy. You provide neither of these things and you never will. I know it now. You bait me, have me care and love me and then you run back to the little misses for months at a time. This is a game to you whether you care to admit it or not. And I deserve better! Second NG: Yup, you're cute as a button and have a great body and the sex is, um, satisfying. But we got into a "relationship" much too quickly and for all the wrong reasons. I needed to feel desirable and you fulfilled that need. Not thing personal, but even as we try to form a friendship against my own best advice, I don't think we will ever be anything BUT friends, if that. I never should have slept with you so soon. It is something that I regret each and every day. It was all too soon after MW went Casper and I hold myself responcible for even thinking I was ready for a new relationship. I needed a man to make me feel important. Now I am trying to figure out that I am better suited to date someone rather than be in a relationship with anyone. Finally J: My best friend, someone I would have never hurt on purpose. You sent me flowers today because tomorrow is the last day of classes for me. I didn't even text you to thank you. Am I really being stupid for not realizing how I really feel about you? I mean deep down inside. I long to be held by you. There was something that shifted my brain at the Mother's Finest concert. It might have been MW showing up but more likely, I felt so at ease with you. It was fun and it was relaxing. I didn't have a care in the world other than listening to Baby Jean sing her songs. My son asks about you J. I don't know what to tell him. You became important to him because of your consistancy and now I have pushed you away. Why do I always do that? I get right on the brink of letting someone in and then push them away. I wish I could pull you in and push J.

NG: Why is it that I can have you with a single phone call and yet the man I love, the stand up guy, the one who makes life an adventure for me currently and possibly permenently wants nothing to do with me? J is a firned I have to keep reminding myself, and yet, I am in bed with thoughts of only him. I don't want to be intimate with NG again but I need to be held and loved even for a single night. I wish it were J. He is wonderful to lay near and I know that his body conforms to mine. The last time I was able to sleep next to J I slept like a babe for the few hours we got after spending the entire night talking and laughing and playing cards. Just me and him. No one else in the house. Why can't J be my person who I can hold when I am lonely and fearful and need to be held? Becuase I ruined it I'm afraid. Everyone, and I mean everyone, said we looked like a cute couple and that we complimented each other. Even at the Mother's Finest concert, people said to both of us what a cute couple we made. Why couldn't I hear that? All I did was listen. And now it seems that J has decided that I am too flighty for him. That I make too many quick decisions when it comes to men. I have told others that they should take things slow. I need to take my own advice. I wonder if I sshould call J and tell him what I want from him?

I miss you J. Will you ever forgive me for otherwise looking beyond you? I wish I hadn't I really do. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? You mean more to me than you will ever know. You have taught me so much and I miss talking to you already. Please give me another chance to make things the way they are intended to be.

ITIC, does this mean you're back to Day 1?

I fear I have lost my best friend. J, I am so sorry that you felt that I was ignoring you all this time and my preoccupation with the NG. You should have told me that you were hurting inside. Maybe, I should have known with out having to be told. I'm sorry that I once again placed you on a back burner because of NG and MW and even now my ex with whom I had lunch with. Will you ever forgive me or are we destined to part company with my heart breaking in two. I feel like I have lost my best friend, my partner, my laugh track all over a couple of other men. I feel as if my best friend is dying and I can't figure out how I can change things. You wrote me a beautiful letter that any girl would kill to get from a man and I simply read it once and then went about my normal day. It wasn't until later when I was talking to one of my coworkers did I realize just how much that letter meant to me. I wish I had kept it. No other man would have written those things you said, without being romantic, but still showing that I am important to you. What is wrong with me? No other guy has ever written me such sweet truths and no other man who have had the nerve to send it to me. That letter has me seeing stars, filling me with love and over the moon with happiness. But I BLEW it! Help!

And someday you will be blessed with a man who takes you by surprise, regardless of how long you might have known him. It will be a flower bouquet that he sends, a misguided love letter, a confessional. Surely there is someone that you can talk to and who will give you his/her opinion on what makes you unique. That's what GF did/ does for me. As much as I would like to not take responsibility for things I have done in the past, GF will call me out on them in such a sweet way that I can't help but think about what he is saying and taking his words to heart. Focus on your work, focus on your R or BB, focus on improving yourself either through self help or with sage ideas from those who love you best and those who know you most. Find that guy or gal who can touch you in your mind and your heart and spirit and your soul. Learn about you ITIC, find yourself and experience all the ups and downs that will go along the journey. Hold your friend and just accept that you are growing in ways and in ideas that you probably never realized. I'm dying to ask about your seeing BB, but it is really none of my business.

So glad you are being strong! HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU ITIC! I hope you really are over and not the statement "you can have me".

This isn't healthy for you or the girls! Not talking about STD's but you are replacing one woman for the memory of another. You will not be able to move on while continuing this type of behavior. It's an addiction it appears. And you are just using these girls.

I wish you would reconsider it some more. You know who I am talking about. What an inspiration for all if he survives this! And how special for you being a part of it ITIC!

ITIC, please learn to learn about yourself! Not b! He is your drug of choice. You shouldn't have to apologize to him for anything. And as I see it, he is baiting you without you even knowing it. Such a shame for you ITIC. You will never get over him it appears and you deserve so much better. You write of wanting to send b letters and articles in an attempt to help him. He is the one with the emotional shortcomings. He is the one who knows that you are stalking him in a sense. He is LOVING it, I bet. You seem to flip a switch when it comes to b. You are either filled with rage, which is good. Or filled with pity, which is dangerous. What would happen if b came back to you? Would you welcome him with open arms as though nothing ever happened? According to the pm, there is no one to compare to b. And that no one else would have spent time on a phone with you. Did you ask anyone else? Did you try calling someone else? You are really lost on b. Addicted to him. Sadly, you will always belong to him and all those other guys, good guys, will never be allowed to love you the way your deserve.

MW contacted me just now and it took everything I had not to return his text. I'm trying to focus on work and it seems he knows the worst possible time to contact me. I have to be stronger darn it! I will not contact him no matter what. He is a poison to me and I lost a job over him. J sent me a very sweet card in the mail today thanking me for the Mother's Finest concert trip. He is such a sweet gentleman. I need to spend more time thinking of my friend J and not the addiction to MW. Not a word from NG other then a quick "Hi, how are you" email. I didn't answer because I still need to focus on me! I will have a fun summer with J, I know I will!