Alone Now

I have sent you a pm!

I hope you will consider staying in touch! You have helped me tremendously!

ITIC You need to find the inner strength to wall B off completely. He is like a drug and leaving even a small crack available potentially opens the flood gates!

That is a good start. Keeping pictures and cards and letters are a very easy way to get sucked back in. It is often too easy to look at the past and think that things were good, when in essence, they were tolerable. It's tough, believe me I know, but the sooner you rid yourself of those cards and letters the better you will be for it. Stay Strong!

But isn't it his pain? And his to deal with in his own time and way? Or could it be a continuum of baiting?

It will fimentations, but first you need to free yourself. Any old cards or letters would be better trashed as well as old pictures. Those represent holding onto hope IMHO.

Stay strong ITIC! You can, will and MUST beat this! It sounds a little like your looking for that validation from him. You don't need it! You only need to keep moving forward! The AAA comment was hysterical, but if you were to do it, you're casting a net out to him. You will find a MAN worthy of sharing your generous self with, but this isn't the guy for that. Find a guy who will stand tall even in his own darkest hour, a man who will be with you through the fun, the pain, the over the top good times and even the boring nights of reading books in separate chairs. A man that you can tell anything to and be comforted in knowing that the words didn't fall on deaf ears. Find that man who waits and watches and helps you grow. The true definition of a man is one who can own responsibility for failures, who does not blame his past for his future and one who remembers how to treat a lady like a queen, a man who wants to share all of life experiences from running on the sand to attending church with his lady. One who looks at your daughter in amazement and invites you to be involved in activities while you invite him into yours. A man who has his own ideals and hobbies and doesn't require you to partake in them all. A man that you could share kitchen duties with from cooking to cleaning and laughing the entire time. This doesn't have to me a romantic interest just yet, but it certainly can't be B for your own good. That, ITIC, is a man.

MW: Now that NG is essentially kicked to the curb, I thought I would spend my time thinking exclusively of you today. You did cross my mind because I wondered what you were doing and had a very strong urge to call you. But I didn't. Instead I found peace, tranquility and comfort in my thoughts of GF. How kind and gentlemanly and caring and honest and sincere he is. I should have called him today and I might just call him tonight for no other reason than to hear his voice and possibly to tell him that I love him. I don't think I tell enough people that expression of gratitude. I held it for you for some unknown reason. I tell it to my son obviously, but I need to tell others that I love them more often. And that change in my behavior will begin with GF, since he was the one who helped me so much over the past few weeks. MW, you were the absolute best sex I have ever had, but that doesn't compare to having a man standing tall to be my friend. Sorry, it simply doesn't.

These are powerful thoughts! Congratulations on the breakthrough!

I just hope that you are not setting yourself up for another heartbreak with this guy and what effect and message is being sent to your daughter? ITIC, you have seen his pattern of behavior and people don't change unless there is a real desire. Like MW, you cannot cure B any faster than you could cure R of cancer. You deserve peace and happiness and not waiting for the man to return to his old ways. It's a pattern with adult men. Unfortunately he will come back into your life to have you save him and then find a reason, just or not, to break things off just to draw further attention. You are doing so great right now ITIC and I would hate to see you take giant steps backwards. Look to the future, look forward to seeing BB, but don't hold out hope for B to change. He DOES NOT deserve you!

Sometimes worn and tattered shoes are better thrown away. You are holding onto hope that, if it comes to fruition, may ultimately take you back to Day 1 and you don't deserve that. Find a brand new pair of funky shoes! Yes they might need to broken in, but at least you know who is really wearing them versus someone who was simply playing a role in his own fantasy manuscript!

I have given NG the boot and feel like I am ready to turn to those who deserve my attention. My son, my family and J, my GF. It was much easier than I thought it might be. It has also given me free time to talk to GF much longer and our conversation have blossomed because I don't feel the pain of having to rush through a conversation in order to call NG. Conversations should be free flowing whether you are talking about your children or world issues. I find that with J. Our one hour long conversations sometimes are just the tip of the iceberg and before you know it, we have been on the phone or in person talking for hours when it only seemed like a few minutes. I am convinced that is the way it is suppose to be. And that was how it was with NG initially, but the longer we talked the less we had to say to each other. Does that make any sense? There are layers to communications just as there are levels to being in a relationship. And I believe that it is entirely possible to be in a loving committed friendship as well. At least that is the way I feel with J. When I'm feeling blue he is able to draw my concerns out of me in such a perfectly natural way. And when he is feeling down, I am able to have him open up to me. Isn't that a relationship after all? Communication? With NG we were all excited about talking on various subjects but after a while, the calls and the meetings just couldn't stand the test of time. As I said before, we could be having coffee at Starbucks together, but we were scanning the room for other sights. We were together yet complete strangers. It became apparent and uncomfortable. I would see someone who looked a little like J and my thoughts would turn to him or I would experience something that J and I shared and I would be drawn to it. Not with NG. The connection, regardless of how pretty he is, just lacked substance. I needed someone to challenge me, someone who made me question my own belief system, someone who can make me laugh until I cry and someone who can make me cry, which is no small feat, since I never cry. But J has brought that out in me and I rather enjoy it. I lied before when I said I thought of either GF ( J ) or MW when I would talk to NG on the phone. My thoughts were entirely with J. Wondering why NG didn't get a funny joke I said when I knew J would be right back with a retort. I only think of MW when I am alone with my thoughts and even now those thoughts are turning sour. I never thought much of J's impact on me, but it becoming readily apparent that both of our lives are intertwined and better for it.

Beautifully said ITIC. You are a beautiful person and you will find peace from within, from your daughter and from your friends!

I'm sure that either R or BB will be in contact with you. Maybe both! And I refuse to believe you could be "gamey" as you put it. If either do contact you, remember that they are doing so because they like you! You have qualities that make them both want to reach out to you. What a wonderful choice to have to make between the two, but hey, why pick one? Right now is your time to have FUN!

This is amazing ITIC! It appears that you spent the weekend thinking long and hard about things! The importance of being in a give and take relationship, the value of being loved and loving and it is clear to me that B has none of those traits, and the true meaning of friendship and guarding your friends as they guard you. Actually, this made me cry. WAY TO GO ITIC!

Coming from you that is a huge compliment. I sent you a PM about the concert last night. I don't know if you read it yet, but MF rocked it hard and they did your song and then did an acoustic song. Before they played your song Baby Jean looked like she was ready to cry. How sweet is that?

So sorry! It gets easier over time, I promise!

That is really quite understandable. But when I do run into MW occasionally it turns into something even greater than disappointment. It turns into blind hope, that something will change and develop and it never has and I return to square one, just like today because I ran into him at a concert. Find a friend to hang out with, someone who is true to you and will provide honest comfort. Luckily I have one of those!

Dear NG: I am taking a page from someone else and am giving serious consideration to ending things with you. You are a sweet guy and have an amazing body, but we lack a basic connection. Even when we were together, we were apart. We were two people hanging out but doing our own thing. I'm not saying independence is bad. When I got home from Athens, my little man immediately asked about GF and then you. Not a word about MW. That isn't to say he doesn't like you but I think it speaks volumes of introducing him to you too fast, because now there is confusion in his mind. It was a terrible mistake on my part and I am sorry for having done it. I admit I used you for sex and because you are so darned cute, but I would rather hold off on having sex and instead have a great time with my GF. I took things entirely too fast with you NG. I felt the need to have a boyfriend; to be in a committed relationship and was willing to look anywhere for it. And for this, I am sorry. I am glad to be rid of you in that way. I am looking forward to having space for me and my son and when I want to hang out and laugh and be silly, I know GF will fit the bill. I don't feel like I'm using GF. We like each other and probably love each other as friends. And my son likes him without being forced to. It was expected that he like you and MW because of the way I presented you both. I would never compare you to MW because that would be insulting to you. MW will forever be lost, confused, angry and bitter. And will never ever do anything about it. He enjoys it I think. It makes him seem like he needs me and for the longest time, and probably even now, I feel like he needs me as well. But it is unhealthy for me. Both you and MW are wrong right now. Where does GF fit into this you ask? He will be my friend. He and I will go to the beach and play in the surf and sand. We will hold hands and probably share a non-sexual bed on occasion. He is a stand up guy NG. I think you would like him. He has faults like anyone else, but the difference from MW is that he knows these faults and works towards being a better man. He will be great as a friend and he will tell me things that I often will not want to hear, but that is how a friendship works. NG, I knew things were done the last couple of times we talked. What was once so much fun and lasted for hours became strained and hard. We may as well have been talking about the weather. And to be perfectly honest with you, I was thinking about MW and GF most of the time that we talked lately. It is my character flaw, not yours. I wish you the best NG, there is going to be a wonderful woman out there for you. I'm just not her.

I have made the same mistake in the past with birthday greetings and hoping for a responce that might never come. Just be prepared for that and hang on. You can manage through this!

It takes a while to get him out of your system. Months perhaps. I found distractions like an ipod or taking different routes helped for a while. But even now I still get a twinge of hopefulness when I see a car similiar to his. It's all very frustrating.

MW: You were so out of your element last night at the concert. Why did you drive the 450 miles? To check up on me and GF? You embarrassed yourself greatly by giving the white guitar player the finger the entire time during his solo on Mickey's Monkey. People were staring more at you than at the musician. Yes, I know, in your own mind you are a much better guitarist than he is. Then why haven't you been in a band for the past 40 years? How many gold and platinum albums do you have hanging in your house. At last count, the members of MF have three gold albums and 2 platinum albums. Did you really think you would go unnoticed? It looked like the bass player wanted to drop you if you had given him or the lead singer any lip. These guys are professionals, you played in a garage band. Have you ever written a song? Probably so. But has it gotten airplay? No. I have a pm buddy here who has had two songs written for her by a member of MF. And according to her, her friend thinks nothing about it, like it is just something he does. According to her, he is actually a little weird about having people know about his God given talent. Giving the guitar player and the world for that matter the finger is just something you do. I really think you get off on being noticed as an angry guy. You claim to have had a tough life. Have you had cancer like D has? No, and even when she was dying from the cancer she kept her head held high and remained strong for her friends. It was an honor to have known D. Were you ever shot during your military career? No. Don't get me wrong, it's honorable that you served your country and I thank you for it. But you cannot honestly blame your negative sad sack attitide on things that you saw in the Gulf region. If that were the case there would be lots of men and women with chips on their shoulders. You were messed up long before you and I began what we had. You were miserable from the beginning and you used it to your advantage every way possible because you said all the right things to draw me in. You said I was the only one who you could find peace with. I'm sure your wife has heard that before. You said you love my son like he was your own. Yet you rarely make mention of your own child. You are a f*cked up mess and you have so many tangled webs of issues that the harder I tried to be there for you, the more involved I got in that web and the deeper I thought I could cure you. Only you can cure you and you have decided that you aren't worthy. BU!!*****! You know you could change if you wanted to. That's why they have mental health professionals. And there is no shame in seeking help MW. But there is shame in ignoring the issues and continually using every reason under the sun for why you are the way you are. BE A MAN and go talk to a professional and not your golf pals or your facebook friends! The smartest thing, no the healthiest thing I did was to take you off my friends list. I used to stalk you and wonder if you knew. Well, I don't stalk you anymore and I don't care if you are wondering why. Last night you demonstrated your classic behavior. People all around you were dancing and hooting and hollaring and having a great time and you distanced yourself from them as if you were either too good for them or that you didn't think you were worthy. You want people to think that you are this fairly good looking shy guy but in reality you are self-loathing. You try to show off as a big man, but you are, in reality, lacking any self esteem. AND I BOUGHT INTO IT! You used your self-loathing to bait me and I took the hook each and every time! I can't cure you and you refuse to help yourself, so I am all but done with you.

SO PROUD OF YOU ITIC! You are made of all the right stuff! Find a companion, not a "partner". Find a friend, not a just someone to share a bed! You are an amazing person ITIC! You listened to the songs again didn't you? I hate to say I told you so, but I will!

You have a GF too? As if I'm the only one with a great friend who happens to be a guy. Good for you! You'll get over B in the course of time. He is holding you back from being happy. You already know what I hope for you and what I think you should do so I won't repeat myself. Find a beach, find BB and turn the music up LOUD!

STAY STRONG ITIC! I think you can too! Do you really want to take a step backwards? Is companionship worth suffering over? He obviously has a pattern of which you fall prey to each and every time it seems. You cannot fix what doesn't want to be repaired! He seems to like this holding pattern he has with you. And then what? Three months from now you are right back where you started from. Writing to him opens up a door that you created and are expecting him to walk through again and again. That is not fair to you or your family. It's too confusing to explain his return and then sudden departure I think. Faith is important. Even if you claim no religion, pray on it. Let God lead you in the direction you are suppose to follow when it comes to men. Is B a man of faith? If you are a woman of faith and he is not then what foundation is there? I know you aren't talking in terms of "faith" in the religious sense, but it can't hurt to try and find a man of faith. The stronger the faith, the better the man! But what matters most right now is that you have faith in yourself and you are able to see what matters and what (and who) doesn't. It's difficult I understand, but I have faith in you! You are strong, your are caring, you have responsibilities and you have friends. Are you really willing to toss them all aside for this one guy? STAY STRONG darn it! We support each other, you have taught me that and right now I am trying to support you but nothing good can possibly come from returning to old habits. A thirty day chip means nothing as you walk into a bar!