Alone Now

MW. HOW DARE YOU!!!????[/B] You have stalked me to Athens, GA in hopes of a confrontation with J, my GF. Who do you think you are? I came to Athens with a friend to see a band that I have loved and admired for the past 30 years! Are you afraid I'm going to run off with J? Are you trying to scope out NG? NG is pretty much history! Gratefully, the concert is sold-out so in order for you to get in, you will have to pay top dollar to see me. Haha! The only person you are helping is the band by giving them more money! You really are pathetic! I am here with a friend for a concert! Nothing more, nothing less. But you want to stalk me and whoever I am with at any given time and try to figure out a way to bait me back into your web of dillusion and maniplulation. I will never get over you granted, but you are like a fly constantly buzzing in my ear. I came to Athens because I had such a great time New Years Eve seeing them. You remember New Years Eve when you were at a party with your significant other? The band played a song that I hope they play again tonight that poses the question "do you think about me the way I think about you". I know who that song was written for and who wrote it! And the amazing thing is MW? THEY ARE JUST REALLY GOOD FRIENDS! Nothing more and nothing less. But the guy who wrote that song is unafraid to show his feelings. He is emotional and is not ashamed to show it. And trust me MW, he is all man! HE isn't on this tour for whatever reason, but if he was I would thank him on behalf of women everywhere how are taken for granted. It seems even with NG, he got too comfortable too quickly and that was partially my fault. But NG is not interested in being emotional nor in a relationship. He is a drop dead beautiful man, but not willing to show interest in little more than his muscles and he knows it. My son likes both you and NG but he asks about J the GF a lot and for me that speaks volumes. I'm walking to the venue now to have dinner with J. I'll be the one wearing the MF shirt walking in the rain with a friend and seemingly without a care in the world. Except you will be in the back of my mind. "Do you think about me"

Maybe this is the time we have discussed about being with your daughter! You have wonderful qualities and a giving heart obviously! Jeez, people wrote songs about you! That has to do your ego a world of good. If the author of that song (I'll refrain from using his name) is fun to hang out with, then go bowling or play chess or watch a movie together whenever he is in town. From what you have written about him, you feel safe with him around you and he acts like a protector. What girl wouldn't love to have a friend like that? I know, I know, the whole rock star thing, but does he act like he is the rock star, which he is, when he is with just you? Or does he act like a stand up guy and a gentleman? That observation would make the decision easy right? Input your headphones and listen to those songs. Feel them and let them talk to you ITIC!

What a wonderful sentiment kz. This is the exact reason one should never take someone else for granted. Cherish each day aand night!

Chalk: It is so easy to point fingers when you (not you specifically) are convinced that you are better than anyone else. It is belittling. It's a bully on the playground punching someone who is better at kickball. It is a man bully who threatens to beat someone up just because he is threatened by a new male friend. It is a little boy who ignores your successes and only makes excuses

Offer your strong counsel to those who would accept it and apply it. Don't waste it on others. You can tell him anything you want, but unless he is ready to make changes for the better, it will go in one ear and out the other. There are those who will accept you kind encouragement and will become more insightful. And then there are those who fail to see a problem and bait you all over again. See the strength in those who take your advice and improve over those who will not. It seperates men from boys.

Unfortunately ITIC, counting is just numbering your attachment to him. Yes, you will probably count for months to come. It is only human. This is your outlet and you are surrounded by people who are going through the same thing. Saying "Day 30" is similiar to an alcoholic getting a 30 day chip. You still need to avoid the bar; or in your case B. Counting is healthier than contacting, no matter how much you want to. You know you are one strong cookie. Be strong!

Is it at all possible to break up with a male best friend? Mine has seemed to fall off the face of the earth. We are supposed to travel up north for a concert tomorrow night. We are to leave the land of Disney this afternoon. And not a single word from him. GF knows that I found momentary pleasure in NG but that it was a mistake to be told so I don't think that is what is bothering him. I know he likes the band. I just don't know. My PM buddy here on enot appears to have a similar friend BB who cheers her on and cheers her up. I hope she doesn't make the same mistake I have. Oh, to be able to talk to GF!

GOOD FOR YOU! I'm really quite proud of you ITIC! Now is not the time to get baited! Tomorrow I will think of you as MF hits the stage!

You obviously got the goods! I will assume you are talking about B and he doesn't deserve you! He, like my MW, will continue to play with your emotions because he can. What a horrible way to treat a lady. How can he just keep entering your life for his own pleasure? He doesn't sound like a man, but like a child and you are the yo-yo. And who is to say that he isn't playing the exact same childish game with A? He sounds like he is playing you both and no woman deserves that! For goodness sakes ITIC, think about what we wrote yesterday! You have a pretty famous guy from a wildly famous band writing love songs about you. The guy may not be the one but he obviously cares a great deal for you and is emotionally available as you like to say. Form a bond with him even stronger than what you have developed and let him open the door to your heart in order to "set you free". He certainly cares about you more than B. I recorded I will set you free last night so I could listen to the words. They are powerful! They are faithful! Those are words from a true man who cares about you. B obviously does not, sorry to be blunt.

There has been a less than subtle shift. MW is becoming a memory, one which I am able to finally breath from. I am also distancing myself from NG. NG is polite and somewhat attentive but the phone calls are becoming less frequent and ever more strained. I can see being his friend but nothing more at this point and I regret having slept with him now. It was using another person to get past the pain that MW caused me. I admit that now. My problem now is that my GF is forefront in my mind. It is only with him that I can share all the ups and downs of life. It as though he knows when I am happy and want to share good things or when I am sad and need to cry or frustrated and need to talk about MW. All of this without me saying a single word to get the conversation flowing. It seems that I can pick up the phone and he will instantaneously know something is wrong. Oh, I can put up a good front for others but with GF I feel free to cry if I need to. And as far as men go, he is the only guy who can make me cry. And cry buckets. While most men keep their emotions in check, GF is the exact opposite! He has cried with me when he is upset about something and he has cried when I am upset by something. He is the most emotionally involved man I have ever met and it turns me on. For me, it is a sign of a true man. Rough, strong mind and body and still able to mature enough to show emotions most men wouldn't. GF is hardly a wimp, he is strong and fiercely protective of his friends and has never backed down from protecting those who need protecting. He is quick with a joke and is hysterically funny and finds humor outside of the box. He always finds ways to better himself even if that way is to keep his mind sharp my learning the basics of a new language. And then there is this incredibly sexy sensitive side. He is able to find beauty in a simple flower. He used to send me flowers to my classroom because what girl doesn't like getting flowers? He doesn't really profess to being a softy but it is clear that he is when he is one the ground playing with my son. My son asked about him on Monday and I really didn't know what to say. Was I protecting my son or protecting myself? GF backed off because of the troubles that MW has caused. He knew that MW hates him and didn't want to get involved in a brawl should the two meet again. The only interaction the two of them ever had was at a concert at Disney of all places. MW confronted GF and wanted nothing more than to fight. GF took the high road and walked away. It was pretty embarrassing hearing MW name calling as GF walked away. "F@g", "pu$$y" and all the other words used when someone walks away from a fight. All of it in front of my son. It was confusing to him and caused MW to want to fight anyone who came in his way because he couldn't be calmed down. I guess it is all a part of his military training. But now it seems I have lost the kindest, more gentle man I will have ever met. Why couldn't I have found GF prior to being involved with MW? I feel lost without my best friend and have no idea how to regain that bond. I miss not having to strain for a conversation. I miss playing in the parks with my son and my best friend. And this is something new. GF has never ever gone without contact for a few days ever. And it hurts! It hurts me and I think because of the sorted past it has a direct effect on my son. My son loves GF. My son likes and probably tolerates MW because MW will show up with a few gifts and minimal attention. GF, God bless him, has actively been involved with my sons homework while I was busy doing other things that needed to be done. And now this. Out of the blue, my son asks about GF and I had no reply. I miss GF and would love to hear from him. "Love will make you oh so happy inside. Love will make you oh so sad, make you cry"

I have been having quite enjoyable PM with someone on this site and tonight she shared with me the fact that she has a friend who wrote a song for her. Normally that would be all nice and fuzzy because nothing is more fun that to have a guy write a song for you and then play it in your living room just like in the movie "Just Friends". The difference being this song written for this lady was done by a member of a world famous band! What woman in her right mind wouldn't feel honored? What woman wouldn't fall in love with that type of man? I can't imagine what it feels like to have that type of emotion emulate from a guy for a lady? That is one strong man knowing that the song will be heard on a CD and on the radio by literally millions of people! Is there a more unique and stronger way to say "I love you and care for you"? My enot friend is having man issues as most of us are. But unlike most of us, she has a real man who is unashamed to share his love and devotion to her. What I wouldn't give for that.

Day 3 of NC with MW. It's difficult but it is something that needs to be done. But it is more difficult not hearing from BF. I spent my morning wondering how his day is going at the police academy. Did he pass the test he was taking today. I really truly miss BF voice. He makes me think and ponder and laugh and yes, BF can make me cry. NG is leaving the picture. I received a courtesy call from him this morning but it seems as though he accomplished his mission of getting me in bed. Way to go AN! I should have taken my own advice and not get involved with someone new so soon.

Where is my best friend? I want to talk to you BF. It was a decidedly harder weekend than I expected with NG. NG is hot, great body but he is just, oh, I don't know how to explain it. He and I just don't do as well in person as we do over the phone. It is as though we can find distractions like doing the dishes when NG and I talk on the phone, but in person it becomes somewhat strained and uncomfortable. And like I said in an earlier post, you don't begin to compare to MW in the sack. I definitely don't want to talk to MW right now because I am afraid I would be able to be talked into seeing you. And that is the last thing I want to do. That is why I want my BF. We would laugh and kid around over a bottle of wine and some popcorn and prepare ourselves for a night of Film Noir on TV. Or not TV because we get so caught up in talking to each other that time just flies by. But I would like the option to decide with BF. But I haven't heard from you for the entire weekend and this causes me concern. Are you OK? Are you in some ditch on the side of the road? No, you are much too good of a driver for that to happen. But through the course of the weekend with NG, I really miss playing with you. No one plays as well as we do! Will you be backing out of the Mother's Finest show in Athens? And if you do will you at least tell me in advance? Who would I take if you do decide you can't or won't go with me? Definitely not MW since the band has n-words in the group (How is it that we ever got together?) and I won't ask NG. NG would be a stick in the mud I think and would be bored and make me uncomfortable to the point of not being able to let my hair hang down and be myself. Yes, BF, the show at the Melting Point belongs to you because there is no one else I want to go with. We would have a blast and we both know it. Oh how I miss you BF! I miss you so much! Call me and talk to me about everything and anything! I need/ want/ desire having my BF around! Is that selfish of me? Don't care! I miss my BF more than words can say!

Have you ever had someone ask you how to please you? Orally? Digitally? Through intercourse? A real man would ask and would want to learn. no matter how great he thinks he is! Being asked what pleases a woman is a high compliment to that woman and very much a turn-on directed at the person you are with. Has any man asked you point blank "What can I do to please you"? If so, that man would be a keeper in my book because he isn't only interested in getting his, but committed to pleasing you! It takes a real man to ask that question and you can be sure he is confident in himself to ask! Like I said, that man worth keeping around for a long time to come!

MW: I'm now officially on Day 2 of NC and it is a little more difficult than I thought it would be. But then I think of the way you used me for your own pleasure. This might explain why I slept with NG Friday night and again last night. Do I feel guilty about it? A little, but it was nice to know that in some form or fashion I was hurting you. Do I thnk I could love NG? I don't know right now, I like him I guess but the word love scares the hell out of me because I loved you once and see how that turned out. Will I see NG again? Probably because we did have fun yesterday at the pool and rollerblading around Epcot. ng is attentive and says the things that any girl wants to hear and the conversations are so easy. But after about three hours my mind turns to you MW. Don't be so proud because my mind also goes to GF, who I have decided that he is actually my best friend. MW you made me dump my best friend because you said he wasn't good enough for me. Who are you to say that? You threatened him all the time and mocked him for being a sensitive, nobal, spirited and of good character. Things you never were and never will possess. You and your buddies telling filthy jokes in a bar and I had to sit through it. Did those jokes make you feel like a man? The few friends who I have bothered to introduce NG to like him. But they absolutely LOVE BF (as mentioned, he has gone from GF to BF in quick order. All of my friends who were subject to you hate you because you are stand offish, self centered and always talking about yourself and what a bad ass you are. Maybe my friends to whom I speak about BF find him refreshing because he is quite opposite from you. He has accomplished much, but doesn't brag and offers no long stories of his accomplishments. And his accomplishments are many. But, thanks to you MW and your power over me I was never really able to digest his goodness until he went away for a couple of days and I haven't been able to talk to him. Even with NG being around all the time this weekend, I wonder how BF is doing, is he thinking about me like i'm thinking of him, or however that song from New Years Eve went. Speaking of, I played Mother's Finest for NG. He tried to understand it but was bored by the second song I played which is one of my personal favorites. I was dancing all over the driver seat while NG sat with his hands folded over his knees. Yes NG, I know you are built like a bodybuilder, but how about relaxing and just feeling the music. At least I know BF and I will have fun at the MF show in Athens this coming weekend, assuming BF decides to get in touch with me. Could it be that BF has dumped me?

MW: I hope you are having a good weekend. My NG is here and stayed the night last night and will again tonight. I figured out that he falls short in two categories. MW remains the best sex I have ever had, so he has ruined it for any future men I'm afraid. And GF is still the nicest, funniest, most noble guy I know. If only I could take the sex of MW and everything else with GF and mix them into one and I would have the perfect match! Is it possible for a girl to tell someone what pleases her sexually without insulting a man? Why can't guys ask that kind of question from the beginning? As it stands though, I haven't heard a single word from GF this weekend and I miss talking to him. Is it possible to have a male friend that you can tell everything to and still know that he is the greatest person to have around? I'm just afraid I don't have him around any longer and that would break my heart not being able to catch up on daily activities and laughing about everything under the sun. Is it even possible that I messed up bad enough that I won't have GF around to talk to anymore? Not like he was in some car accident or anything, but that he has drifted away without my telling him the joy I find in his company. I can feel my heart when I'm with GF, I only feel my arousal with NG. MW continues to have my heart. Or at least most of it. GF staked a claim on a small part of my heart also. The time I'm spending with NG is enjoyable but I have found my mind drifting to GF. Wondering what he is doing and if he would play off of comments that I make after something happens or seeing something funny. How do I handle all of this? Truth be told, NG isn't everything I made him out to be. But seeing NG is better than spending time at home alone. What are your thoughts please.

I lied to NG by saying I needed to check something online for work just so I could write to you MW. I HATE you for loving you so much! I know what the night holds for me, sex with NG. It doesn't matter whether it is good or great because you were the best I ever had. But I also know that when we are done my thoughts will turn to GF. I want to hold GF and be held by him. When GF hugs me I can feel my heartbeat which is something you were never able to do. And do you know why? Because GF really does love me and cares about me and my little man. MW you bought presents to get in good with me. GF bought gifts for my little man because he loves him. I threw the friendship with GF away because of YOU! DAMN you MW! I should have never answered your phone call six weeks ago! This is all so confusing especially since I haven't heard from GF today despite a couple of text messages just to say hello. Have I lost GF forever? Today made me wonder what it would be like if GF were to walk out of my life forever. MW: You are a selfish spoiled little man. Manipulative to the highest degree because you know I am still wondering and worrying about you, but I have to break your spell over me even if it means using NG. I like NG OK, but he is not the love of my life as you once were and he is not fun and spontaneous and such a pleasure to hold in my arms like GF. What am I suppose to do? Do I follow my heart and try to explain to GF just what he means to me or do I find the attentiveness of NG enough for the time being?

I will be with NG this weekend, or at least for part of it. and I will probably be intimate with him. I will do it because of my womanly needs but I will mainly do it to spite you. Right now I hate you more than words can say. I profess that I am over you but I clearly am not because I return here to write about you. Will you be with your wife tonight while I'm with NG? I don't know. What I fear is that I will be thinking of you when I am with NG, but I suppose that is to be expected since I'm really not over you. I like NG but I love you. I will use NG the same way that you used me. The only real emotion that I feel is for GF. Where did he disappear to? Did he find some one else to hang around with? I wondered today what it would be like to have GF completely out of my life and it made me terribly sad. MW you ruined the friendship with GF because you once told me that he was beneath me. You couldn't have been more wrong! GF is kind and gentle and thoughtful and fun. You are the opposite, but I listened to you and got rid of him for our sake. What our? There never was an our. I hate you for having such control over me and if I never talk to GF again I will be able to place the blame directly on my own soul. You are the devil MW, you really are.

I saw MW and NG today. I don't think MW was aware that we were in the same Dillards shopping. My heart stopped cold when I saw you and I wanted to run the other way. I saw NG at the gym and my goodness gracious what an amazing body you have! But it made me want to run away. I didn't see GF today at all and it was troubling to me. Thursday is one of the days when we would always run into each other somewhere in town and it didn't happen and I missed that. MW and NG both could fall off the face of the earth and I would be able to function just fine. Not finding GF makes me worry. Could I survive and have as much fun in life if I never saw GF again? I'm afraid I couldn't or wouldn't.

This was an interesting day. I was playing chess with another teacher and I found that you MW consider yourself the King. NG makes for a lovely Knight, there to protect me from you in my own mind. GF is a pawn. I feel horrible about this. But right now I really don't give a sh*t about any of you. MW, you have fancied yourself as the one who can always return to me and I will be there to welcome you with open arms and you know what? You are correct because I will never ever get over you. NG is trying to protect me not only from you but probably from myself. I will probably sleep with him this weekend to make me feel good about myself because I am a woman who likes to have that power over men. GF, you are a pawn. I turn to you when I need someone to go out and have fun with and you expect nothing in return. Why can't you man up and tell me what you want? Like chess, my life in terms of relationships is really quite a complex game. And I hate myself for this.

MW: I am winding down for the night after listening to a song called I can't believe. You never thought much of this band, probably because they didn't play Bach or the Sex Pistols which were the only two genre's you thought worthy of appreciating. The song touched me in a way that you never could. It spoke of not being over you and that climbing every star, your love is much too far away. It is though it was written by me for you. Who was the writer talking to? Was he in that much pain? People who write songs and lyrics have a deeper appreciation for love and life I think. How else can they share such joy and pain? This song could have been written by me MW and it could have been written to you. "You told me lies, cause you didn't want to face me boy, you didn't want to face up to your lies" All you ever did was lie to me MW. You said you loved me more than anyone else and I bought into it. You told me that you would take care of me. How was that possible when you have a WIFE and a DAUGHTER? "I can't believe, I'm in love with you. I try not to decide that you're the only one for me" And sadly MW, I think you are the only one for me. I do love you for all the wrong reason because I thought I could change you. I thought being with me would calm your soul. But you played me. Poor NG. He has no idea that when he takes me out, he is simply creating a fog for a little while. A way not to think about you. I will see him again and may even sleep with him for the companionship that intimacy provides. Yes, it's wrong and who knows, I might be doing it out of spite, just like how you are intimate with your wife. In the same way, does NG know that when I kiss him I am thinking about GF? Poor GF. If only he knew what this song means to me. He hummed it when he was over earlier to see me and my son. We relived the moment we met at this groups concert four or five years ago and he has agreed to go to Athens with me to see them again in May. Maybe by then I will have NG out of my system and I will only have MW and GF to decide from. At least I hope that will be the case. "I'm gonna keep on holding on, I'm gonna keep on holding on, the pain in my heart tells me I'm not over you" And I'm not and that is very hard for me. I may have NC with you MW, but I think of you all too often. Why can't GF step up and tell me he wants to start dating me because GF is the only one I think can break the spell that you have over me. GF loves music, GF understands and appreciates the band. GF is someone I can go to any concert anywhere and know that I will have a good time. GF is the ultimate cuddler. Why did I discount GF as a possible date when I had the chance. I am certain that I would give him the chance if he would only ask. But first I need to concentrate on AN and find a happy place where I can listen to this band and not find every song, every last word has a meaning to me. And then there is the new song they played in Birmingham talking thinking about you. I wish I had the nerve to bootleg that show. That song sums me and GF up to a tee. I need sleep, I need to cry, I need to be about me for a couple of months. I am a mess.

Good for you! My GF talked me into seeing mine because he saw the depressive state I was headed in. He was the only person I knew who could have talked me into see a therapist, but he did it with such concern and love, it was easy to do. I think that is part of the hostility between MW and GF. MW said he would support my seeking treatment but never did anything to help. GF actually hunted around for a professional! And I still treated GF poorly. I wish my legs were longer so I could kick myself

Acknowledge the anger and then let it free! It can only hold you back from what you want! I am quite familiar with that sickening feeling and it never goes away and my Mr. Wrong is in a committed relationship with someone other than me! Take time to rediscover or reinvent yourself. There is no rush.

ITIC, I see a therapist and she is wonderful! Have you considered talking to someone professional? We started talking exclusively about my medical problem, but the more talked the greater her help. We talk about work, my child and my relationships. She was the one who suggested taking a season of. I wish I could have taken credit for the idea when I mentioned it to you. Take time, feel your music within (you know exactly what I'm talking about Baby Love! You know there is peace in their words! Be with your girl and find the wonderment she can offer you. Having so many things going on at the same time can be confusing and overwhelming sometimes, you know it, I'm not saying anything you haven't already thought of. Find your GF, maybe your R? Learn, Listen and Laugh!

Talk about your job or about B? Could they be intertwined in some way?