prayingforpeace

What is it to be a man? Society dictates that you live a certain way, behave a certain way and act in a certain manner. At the same time, society urges us to think differently, and stand out. But the dilemma for me is that. In my attempts to stand out I am quite successful. But I think I play the fool. I constantly feel that I make the wrong decisions, say the wrong things, that I stand only on ceremony. But in reality all I want is to be accepted, welcome and wanted. Life is a confusing and has many decisions to be made with little or few instructions on how to proceed. Mistakes happen, the wrong path is chosen. The hardest lesson I have so far learned is that I have no choice but to live with the consequences of my actions and decisions. The pain which can accompany such consequences certainly outweighs the actual actions that caused them, leaving me with a bitter and angry outlook. For me personally, this decreases my own personal self worth, I tend to internalize the feelings rather than to express them. This causes me to examine and re-act the incidents in my own mind, trying to learn and discern where I have gone wrong. Depression and escapism become my friends. I isolate from the world and find myself living life through a computer game, even earning some cash that enables me to afford my smoking habit. I feel a great sense of loneliness, yet I do not desire to be with anyone. I tell myself that I am hurt, and I comfort myself with my decision not to get involved with anyone because I fear that I would hurt them due to my inabilities to cope with life. I feel that I am a selfish and uncaring person, and this is demonstrated by my own lack of personal hygiene, my messy and irresponsible lifestyle and my lack of consideration and caring for others. I am not someone that I like, and this is how I have been as long as I can remember. I was brutally teased by others in school from an early age, my behavior most likely being the cause. I am hyperactive and easily excited. I tend to over-react to every situation, and I sense this causes others to view me as frantic, crazy or what have you. I am constantly on edge, and I feel that I am violent natured when pushed. Yet I fear violence, I fear that I would or even could become violent. My bark is defiantly worse than my bite, I have only on a very few occasions ever struck anyone out of anger. I haven't caused myself any physical pain in quite a few years, something I think I outgrew in my teens. However I do solemnly believe I continue to cause my self personal anguish and emotional pain due to my not understanding why I am the way I am. That there is something wrong with me, with how I perceive the world, with how I relate and behave is without doubt. The evidence is clear, I do not make lasting friendships, and often have heated arguments when I feel put off by others who do not wish to be around me. I have had relationships that last a very short period of time, and I am unable to keep a job for more than a few months in time. I am easily discouraged and I trust no one, not even myself. These are merely observations I have discovered over time, however they leave me feeling that there is something seriously wrong with me, with who I am, or rather more specifically how I am. The only conclusion I am capable of reaching, is that psychologically there is something wrong with me, whether it be in my programming or some sort of chemical imbalance in my life. The most frustrating part of it is that I do not have the knowledge or the expertise to fix myself as the only way I have ever learned to survive in this world is by depending on myself. I allow myself to not feel a dependence on anyone else, something I have learned from being let down time and time again by others. Emotionally this I imagine has left me a wreck. As I write these words I feel compelled to show them to someone, so that I may find help, a cure, relief from the turmoil of my life as it is today. I desperately need a new life, I do not like the one I have now. I am constantly angry at those whom I put my trust and faith in, though as little as I have done. But I keep trying, I let myself love, and care even though in the back of my mind I know it will not last, who could really want to stay with me as I am. I escape in many ways from the reality of my life, smoking pot has always been a great short-term escape, yet I have personally discovered that it sharpens the emotional mood I am in, whether it be depression or elevation or whatever mood it may be. However after the high has passed, the depression actually increases until my next "high". At the time of writing this I have been without pot for a few days, and I am determined to try my hardest to stay away from it. Alcohol is another short term escape, yet alcohol is very dangerous. I get angry when I drink, and I make stupid decisions. Driving drunk has happened a few times to me, and I have been very fortunate to stay out of trouble. I tend to drink too much on most occasions especially when I am out alone. I've tried to pick fights on a couple of occasions, and generally made an ass out of myself. I've been so sick the next day that I could not work, could not walk, could not even eat or drink water without being sick. I hate the hangover feelings that accompany heavy drinking and hence I try not to drink as much, however if I am depressed when I start drinking I generally overdo it a lot. I find that I have no ambitions anymore, yet I am stuck with responsibilities that I have no means of meeting. Every day more bills come in, bills which I cannot and am unable to pay. My credit is in ruin, and see no ability for me to ever repay them. If not for the kindness and needing of my family for me I would be out on the streets again. My grandmother is blind, my mother abandons her for 5 months out of the year, and I am left to care for her, a woman in her 80's. I do not in anyway resent my grandmother, though I have quite a lot of resentment for my mother. I feel that I need to get away from this life as it is, I need to stand on my own feet, but I feel that I have nothing giving me the enthusiasm or the ambition to do so at this time, I suspect that If I was to simply uproot myself, and just go anywhere this would give me the oomph to do so. But at the same time I feel fear that I would simply be as empty and lost as I am here, regardless of my surroundings. So persevere I will, another of life's lessons I have learned. Recently I was called a loner. I hate to think of myself this way, I long to be social and feel accepted socially. I want to have friends, but I just don't know how to be a friend or rather my way of being friends to someone is for my own benefit. That I am needy I do not doubt, yet I feel that I am selfish in many more ways than I am aware of. So I write this, with the intention of getting myself help. This is my adult, mature call for help, much different from my previous callings. I need help of that there is no doubt I hope that by writing some of this, and perhaps by reading it to someone I can receive the help I feel I desperately need. I am crazy? I feel I am intelligent, why cant I sort life out? advice please

Life has a great way of throwing curve balls at you when you least expect it - that with a deep confidence learned from past relationships I know that someday I will find that "click" you speak of - and I think you should be confident that it will happen for you as well.. Somedays those words are harder to believe, other days they are easier- Thankfully for me, today they are easier - I will worry about tomorrow when it gets here. steve

My story is very much like everyone's elses - We broke up and I quickly realized what I had lost - anger tore us apart, and she was seeing somoene else a week later - I often wonder if that was merely to hurt me? but how could she hurt me so much, her knowing how much I loved her? Did she know how much she meant to me? So here I am, a year later, single, sure I have dated a few times, but I still keep thinking of her - wishing and waiting, and getting older. my life has fallen apart a couple of times in the past year, yet I keep trying - but I feel as though the light from my life has dimmed. I know deep in my heart that someday I will be over her, that someday I will know love again. But meanwhile I suffer from sweet nightmares of me and her back together, fully knowing the pain and suffering I endured over her this past year. I have become very introverted and fear that I say the wrong things socially, I wear my masks poorly, and always feel on edge, basically I feel as if I am a total wreck most of the time. the light from life has certainly dimmed, and my confidence weakens. any advice that you can offer me would be greatly appreciated, I really need to start thinking about life in a new way - thanks steve