Fudgie

What are you getting out of this relationship, exactly? And why would you want to entangle yourself further?

Okay, so the oldest is a nightmare and even if you slog through the 9 months of waiting impatiently for her to leave, that doesn't mean she's gone for good. You will have to deal with her, and the other teenagers, frequently and also for anything else that crops up. Holidays, etc. What if she came on financial hard times and had to move in for the forseeable future? Or, worst yet, what if she falls pregnant and then has to move back home - looks like it's sleepless nights for you, step-grandma. Don't think for a second that you won't be expected to pick up the slack because if you don't, the daughter will whine about you and manipulate your partner like she does now. 

If you marry this man, then his responsibilities (the teenagers, and even into their adulthood) are now also shouldered by you. Your incomes will be joint and you will have to pay into the expenses in the future, whatever they are. Your house could very well become their house as well and there is nothing you can do or say about that.

Think about what you're signing up for here because when you marry a partner with kids, this is what happens. Package deal. Think carefully before you sign your singlehood away.

You're right. I need to put it out of my head. I talked to a couple coworkers who told me that all of the patients were fine from a covid standpoint, no symptoms at all. The REALLY sick ones were not there when I was there, they were in the hospital. 

I am hoping to get some antibodies tomorrow. Can't stand these chills. Otherwise, I'm pretty good. No fatigue, no respiratory issues, not even a sore throat. No sense of smell is really messing with me baldy, in a psychological sense. I keep trying to tell myself it will eventually go away but it's freaking me out. 

I always, always lose my sense of taste/smell when I have a cold. I'm also stuffy as all hell so that doesn't help. Who knows. I'm hoping it will come back. I'm going to have a mental breakdown if I can't smell ever again.

I feel so, so, so bad. I would never tell anyone to work while sick. It was just such a stupid thing. If I hadn't gotten the booster, there's no way in hell I would have gone in with headache/chills. But again, we were so short-staffed, I couldn't do that to them, we've had so many people call out, both sick and not. My boss was fine with it too because I tested recently and we had been getting the results back quickly and the lab had a backlog and just never did anything or told anyone - I was positive and worked nearly the whole weekend. 

I am terrified I gave it to a particular patient, who is too young to be vaccinated. She's really sweet. I wore my PPE. If she gets it I'm never going to forgive myself. 

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Loss of taste and smell are classic Covid symptoms. I do hope you are OK. I had Covid and while I was sick for a month I never had to be hospitalized. So if you do have it I hope you have a mild case.

Unfortunately, I got the results back, although much too late - I am indeed positive via PCR test. How did it take you to regain your sense of taste/smell? I don't have the fatigue. I have body aches, chills, low fever, and a cruddy headache. Oh, and congestion. nothing else. no cough, no short of breath, nothing.

I'm not upset about having COVID as I am upset that I worked with symptoms in a highly fragile patient population. I had just gotten my booster! My symptoms were in line with the booster shot. We are so short-staffed and we were all desparate. I wore my mask. My boss knew, everyone knew, I knew., but again, we all thought it was the booster..I tested ASAP and for some reason, it took days to come back. 

I'm being eaten alive with guilt now. 

Long time since I've checked out this thread. It's good to see everyone active on here still. 

I got my booster (3rd!) shot of Pfizer and it's honestly knocked me on my rump. I think I'm having side effects PLUS I highly suspect I caught a known illness from a patient at work. I've been feverish for days now. Work has been so short but I knew I didn't have covid (tested Saturday) that I went in for a partial day to help out. Doing a half day messed me up. I came back and have had a consistent fever of 101 despite taking meds. My head is killing me and I have chills and my whole body hurts. 

My sinuses are full of mucus and I lost my sense of taste and smell today. I know I'm being paranoid but I booked another test this afternoon in the drive-thru. 

I highly, highly doubt it will be positive considering I started getting sick Friday and tested the next day but still, I can't help but worry. 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, I'm indirectly aware of improvements plus aware of people posting in my facebook groups about their partners not using the machines/being noisy, etc.  For me personally it's a moot point since it's not going to be attempted.  I don't think the OP has the leverage to ask a boyfriend after two months to get one-at least in any demanding way.  

Yep, fair enough. Honestly, even if she were his wife - she can't really "make" him anyway. If someone doesn't want to use a mask, then it won't happen, regardless of who is badgering that person, wife or not. What is a wife going to do, threaten divorce? Abstain from sex? Write a nasty note? It's pointless if he doesn't care. 

OP, I have been with a guy who had bad health issues who couldn't be bothered even when those issues impacted the relationship. It affected our sex life and our finances through medical bills. He didn't care to change so I left. 

If your guy doesn't care, you can't get him to care, so now what? 

PUT YO HAND IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE

Congrats to you and the wife, man. 🙂 How exciting!

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

  Honestly even with a CPAP machine etc I'm not sure if I could sleep with the sound of that. 

Pardon my unsolicited advice - I have slept with 2 partners who were current, compliant CPAP users. Can you tell I like older men? 🤣

Anyway, the noise varies by the model. One partner had an "older" CPAP machine, sounded like Darth Vader was in the room with us, take that as you will. The other partner had a "newer" CPAP machine, definitely made post 2015, a nicer model, ResMed all that. Absolutely whisper quiet, quieter than your typical A/C actually. Both partners used facial masks with their CPAPs. As a healthcare worker, I can tell you that the newer ones are super, super, duper quiet. They have improved so much.

Not all snorers have sleep apnea but it is definitely a potential warning sign. My dad snores horribly but he has been checked out - no apnea, so that's good. Chronic, untreated sleep apnea can cause a host of issues for people.

I started reading this post thinking "oh only 2 months today, maybe it's just adjustment blues to living together". And then I read the entire post - yeah, no.

You are seeing him as he really is. Selfish, arrogant, not caring about his health, controlling over the decor, unable to communicate properly.

Look, I am not one to say "Run" right away but the fact that you two are like this and it's only 2 MONTHS into the living situation, not good. Yeah, maybe the place is a little small but how does that solve the issue of him not taking care of himself, or not communicating properly?

Something to think about. What does your "gut" tell you?

Agree with Batya that physical/sexual attraction and chemistry are not the same thing but they do overlap. You can look at a photo/video of someone and tell if that person is physically/sexually attractive to you. However, you cannot tell if you and that person would have good chemistry together. That is something that can only be determined, fully, when meeting in person, although I do believe chemistry can be assessed (although not fully) over video chat, phone, etc. 

I agree with what others have said about focusing on your positives, downplaying your negatives or just not focusing on them. We can sit here and talk about how you're not "conventionally attractive" until the cows come home but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Lots of average and ugly people have relationships and are happy. 

3 minutes ago, ConfusedAndGuilty said:

And I feel incredibly guilty that I feel that way, because my life is just easier than hers. I could, if I chose, marry her and get that office job and try to nurse her back to emotional health. 

You're falling into the "fix-it" trap here. You say that you could marry her and nurse her back to health but the truth is that you can't. Completely ignore the fact that you don't want to (because you don't love her in that way anymore), the simple truth is that you can't.

This is a mental health problem and she clearly has the time, ability, and resources to make a real change in this regard if she chose to. She's living with her folks, doesn't sound like she's working, so she could go and get some help. If she's not working, then there is no income and she would qualify for Medicaid in the US and her healthcare would be free. As for her thesis, she could have had it done already! Many people go back many years later to complete a thesis and get their degree. It's not like she lost that opportunity, she just hasn't taken it. 

The thing about mental health is that the person must be motivated to make a change and stick with it. It sounds like she has the resources and ability but has chosen not to. No one, not you nor anyone else, can force her into wanting to change. That has to solely come from her. This is not something that you can "nurse" someone back to health for. It's not a broken leg and time doesn't heal all wounds, especially not of this kind. 

You have a responsibilty to be respectful to her but your responsibility to yourself comes first. It's not like you're wanting to leave just after she had a crisis; one could call you a bit cold in that instance. She had 2+ years to make some progress in bettering her life and she has done nothing in that regard, so she's failing both herself and you, because you two had long-term plans and with her stagnation, you'd be forced to be the sole income earner when that was not the plan before.

Please don't let her drag you down more. You are not her keeper and her health is her responsibility. What she chooses to do with her life, good or bad, is her choice and you cannot be faulted for any of that. 

I would pull the band-aid off and break up with her. If possible, tell her that in order to heal, you both need to not talk for a long while, if not forever, and then go no-contact on everything, blocking her. 

9 hours ago, Carnatic said:

for example two of my friends who were bragging with each other the other week about which one of them had the smallest ego... that's just ironic.

Hahaha, this made me laugh!

I definitely put myself into the "quiet confidence" camp, although I used to have less confidence, I have more so now. I'm at the point where, honestly, I really like myself and it feels great. However, I agree with you, confidence alone is not enough. The truth is that we all have one or more things that can hinder our ability to connect with others in the way that we want to or some of us decide, because of these things and other factors, that it's best not to attempt and that's okay too.

There is a lot of freedom and power in being able to look at relationships and coming to the conclusion not to pursue. Of course, there's the risk of loneliness, decreased financial security, etc. but there is risk with partnering up too. You just have to weigh what is important to you and realize that no matter what "path" you choose, you will always have the odd moment where you wonder "what if" you took the other path. 

And don't let anyone tell you that if you have the odd "what if" moment, it means you're unhappy. Absolutely not. As long as it doesn't bother you and you're not ruminating on it, it's fine. It's a very human thing to do. I have sometimes thought about the possible outcomes, had I made different choices in life, taken different opportunities, or followed different trajectories. Could I have done better in some areas? Sure, and we all do.

I do wish you happiness, whatever that looks like for you. 

First off, any therapist worth their salt can recognize how deeply your parents (and their associated relationship) can impact you and your ability to form your own relationships. I would talk to your therapist and ask her/him if she has some experience with "psycho dynamic" therapy. If so, then they can really help you unpack this old stuff and help you see how it impacts you today. 

I know it sounds cliche and Freudian but it's actually a key part of getting better for most people and those trained in psychotherapy are taught about this. I mean, if you think about it, it makes sense. Your parents are usually the first ones in the world to not only show you love but to model interpersonal relations to you. Of course their relationship and personal dysfunction would impact you! 

Carnatic, 

I liked mical's statement about "whether or not you think you can or can't, you're right". I know that dating is a lot easier these days (speaking generally!) for women than it is for men but I have found this to be true for myself. 

I didn't see the part that Tiny dance referred to, about you not wanting to date women with kids. I totally get it. I would not date a man with children, regardless of his personality, wealth, etc. As I age, I find that more and more men have procreated and I'd rather be alone than risk being a step mom / babysitter. There's nothing wrong with that view but I do agree, some people do end up alone, whether it is due to their own issues and/or statistically, things just didn't work out. It can and does happen. 

The way I see it, you have two choices and you don't have to decide now: change yourself in the ways that you can and work hard to attract a mate OR remain as you are and embrace singledom. I don't believe that either choice is "better" or a moral slant to it. In some ways, I have chosen the second option and I feel a lot better for it. 

Think about it. I don't believe that romantic love/relationships are "worth it" for everyone. Maybe for many, but not for all. And that's OK but you need to be honest with yourself and go through the associated grieving process once you make that choice. 

Doesn't sound like a good fit. I agree with Batya, nothing wrong (by the sounds of it) with the guy but it doesn't sound like you two are sexually compatible. 

When you say you can't get your bum clean - did you two use lube for anal? If it's silicone based lube, it's difficult to wash off. It does come off (speaking from personal experience here!) but it takes a couple times. 

58 minutes ago, dias said:

That is because she chose to live her life based on her gift. It was her decision. If she has anxiety it is probably because she never cultivated other sides of her personality and never chose to do difficult things (consistently) which had nothing to do with looks. I don't know your friend obviously but usually this is the case. 

It's somewhat true, yes. She's not vapid, or else I wouldn't associate with her. She does have other good traits but yeah, I don't think she cultivated them as much as she could have. And her sense of self worth is very tied up in the positive attention she receives from others ( namely men) so she's already worrying about losing that, or some of that, when she's older. Which will happen. 

We are very opposite in that way but it facilitates friendship somehow. It's like we are in different dimensions but find the other one interesting! 

Walking on eggshells is NOT healthy or normal. Being scared of any "slip ups" which lead to your partner flipping out on you and accusing you of being a bad partner is NOT healthy or normal. 

Relationships are to be supportive. Everyone slips up, everyone! A healthy partner will understand this and, knowing that you are trying your best, will still love and accept you, as you do the same in return when they mess up. 

Just wanted to add: it's very important to remember that most of the attractive people that you see, like everyone else, have their own struggles and put on their own brave faces. They may be fitter and fit into a more conventional ideal of beauty but that alone doesn't mean that they are happy, at peace, or that they have their s__t together.

A friend of mine I've known for years, she would be rated 9/10 or 10/10 on the "scale". Seriously, she's  head-turner and has been for a long time. Guys lust after her, I even saw a local CL post once that I was 99.9% sure was about her. 

I wouldn't want her life for myself. She has placed so much stock and value in her appearance and what other people think of her that the idea of aging gives her so much anxiety, it makes her feel sick. What will happen when *gasp* she is no longer a hot commodity. Sadly, I've seen this scenario play out in a number of attractive people who put a lot of their self worth and value into their looks, my mom being one of them. Thankfully, I did not inherit her fear of aging and physical effects of that.

I'm not saying there isn't value in making yourself look good physically but I think valuing it THAT much causes major issues, especially as one ages. For each attractive person you see on your trip, how many struggle with this? How many are too busy navel-gazing and worrying about how they appear in person/Instagram shots to actually enjoy a lot of their time out? Just something to think about.

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice so far and don't have much to add on that front. While undergoing positive change in your lifestyle is good, I would definitely caution you against pursuing or dating until you feel back to your baseline, given that you have undergone a med change. 

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I really don't know how to answer that... I'll have a think. I did actually say something nice about myself in my opening post. So there's that. As I've grown older I've become more confident in my sense of right and wrong. I've seen bigotry and hatred wear enough different costumes now and target enough different marginalised groups of people but always follow the same patterns that I feel I've become quite adept at calling it out, and if necessary shouting it down and backing its disciples into corners whereby they reveal themselves, and quite resistant to its attempts to lure me in with the whole 'but you can blame someone else for your problems'.

I don't think that's necessarily an attractive trait though. Not without being accompanied by other more 'exciting' traits at least. Its not the sort of thing that makes a woman's heart beat faster and depending on someone's own perspective they may just view me as a tiresome old social justice warrior.

Yes, have a think about it. And you're right, you did say something nice about yourself in your OP. It's a good trait to be able to discern between right & wrong. It also sounds like you have a good bulls__t detector, which is another plus. Given your relative age and the fact that you've been alone for a while, you'd be prime fodder for incel recruitment if you didn't have that dectection. I think the SJW may or may not be an attractive thing, depends on the woman. 

Notice that I said good traits, not attractive. This is because "good" doesn't always = attractive and depending on how conventional you are, you may not appeal to everyone. And that's okay. Having a couple crummy Tinder dates doesn't really tell you anything because the truth is, the vast majority of people are not for any one person. If your goal is to find a real connection, then you're going to wade through a lot of muck.

But really, have a think about it: what do you bring to the table? And why do you want to find someone now? Why now? 

3 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Not everyone can have something about them that is positive right?

No, I don't buy that. Perfection is a fallacy as well. I don't think I've ever met a human being that didn't have at least one positive trait. Now, that doesn't mean that everyone will be able to see that trait(s) or deem them as important and I'm not saying that everyone is innately gifted in some way, like the titular characters in My Little Pony (sorry, my sister has been watching them in the background at the family home, have them on my mind lately, lol). However, each person can bring something(s) to the table.

Do you really feel that you have no positive traits? If so, then why do you feel that a relationship will work out? Let's assume that your way of thinking is right here (I doubt it but play along), then put yourself into the woman's shoes. What would draw her to you and why would she want to stay? 

Group therapy is not really conducive to helping you work through a complicated grief process, as I'm sure you know. Do you see an individual therapist? That's the best place to unpack.

I think it's worth a shot if you feel some benefit to commiserating with people in similar situations. If it makes you feel worse or you don't get anything out of it, than nah. 

4 years really isn't a gap, IMO, once you are both ~23 or so. What are your approx. ages, BTW? I am just curious. Personally, I don't consider it an age gap unless the age difference is +/- 10 years. Then again, everyone is different in their comfort zone. I have friends who won't date guys who are 3+ years older whereas for me, I've primarily dated older guys (age gaps ranging from 10 years to 39 years) and I guess I don't really have a limit other than I maybe, probably I won't date someone older than my dad again. Maybe. Everyone is different in their tolerance level.

Anyway, enough of that. Sounds like things are going well for you!

I understand the med regimen bit. I've been on psychiatric meds for most of my life and while I've been on a stable regimen for years, I know how it feels to switch things up and I've had things go a little haywire for me in the past when I've had to get my medication adjusted.

I caution against you making any choices at this time, in terms of starting to date or otherwise, until you're in a more stable place emotionally and mentally. That's not to say that you shouldn't be posting or thinking about these , that's fine, but I would wait a bit before making MAJOR changes and/or attempting to date again. 

I will ask you this: what do you bring to the table in terms of dating/being in a relationship? You have mentioned a lot of things that you perceive as negative (plain, overweight, pedestrian) but nothing positive. What do you bring to a relationship?