Fudgie

Carnatic,

I too am not a huge fan of "fake it until you make it". I do think, however, there is a difference between faking positivity all of the time and just simple boundaries/not disclosure. 

Honestly, I've been struggling big time over the past month. I got COVID, my smell/taste is slow to come back, then I developed another viral illness and then another infection (bacterial) so now I have pnuemonia. Mentally, it's taking a big toll on me. 

That said, I have some other outlets and I think it's important to use those so you're not "bottling it up" but I would not reveal those details to work folks (boss or colleagues). Unfortunately, there is a lot of stigma with mental health and whatnot. You don't have to pretend to be farting rainbows and daisies but I would not talk details with work folks.

I work with a coworker who has cancer, bad cancer too. She has been undergoing treatment for a while and it's been rough on her but she has better days than some. I mean, it makes sense right, cancer and illness in general can ebb and flow. She has been very open with her diagnosis and struggles. I certainly don't do this but some coworkers talk s__t about her when she takes vacation and apparently posts happy family photos on Facebook. These nasty coworkers say "Well, clearly she's soooooo sick, if she's able to go to xyz with her family!"

In short, people are nasty. Don't reveal personal stuff like that at work. 

Okay, so here my thoughts.

1.) Sleep, sleep, sleep. It's paramount. It also underlies a TON of feeling crummy, emotionally and in other ways. Did you know that poor sleep has been shown to get neurotransmitters, like sertoninin, and their associated receptors way out of wack? It's true and now we have clinical studies to show it. Sleep is how the brain "cleans" itself out (look up "glymphatic system" if you want to learn more). It's relatively new information that underscores the importance of getting better sleep. You cannot function at your best without getting enough sleep, and that amount may vary person to person. Find what works for you. Get a good routine down and use some meds (doctor should help you) if needed, as long as they don't zonk you. 

2.) Antidepressants. Medication is not a cure-all but is a good tool. Frankly, I'm never convinced when people say "well I tried some but I felt x y z, eh". There are so many different kinds and iterations out there, all with different side effects because different ones target specific neurotransmitters, sometimes multiple ones. Just trying 1-2 is a drop in the bucket. There are antidepressants that many people actually LOSE weight on because they work in a stimulant fashion in the brain. Some make you sleepy (good to take before bed), others kind of "wake you up" a bit.

I would talk to your doctor or ask to be referred to a psychiatric doctor or other healthcare worker. You can tell them exactly how you feel and what side effects you would not find tolerable and they can go through with you and maybe find you a medication that helps. If the side effects are bad, tell them and they can help you find another one.

This is actually my field of work and also something I'm very passionate about. If you want any links to mental health resources to just read more about medication and/or therapy, send me a PM and I can give you some good reading material. 

I'm so sorry you're struggling. 

27 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Help me - what does neurodiverse mean?

Usually denotes someone being on the autistic spectrum. 

Wow, I'm feeling conflicted by this one. I admit, it's kind of a sore spot for me. I always much preferred spending holidays with my family, not a partner's family, and while I would never pressure/make a partner go to my family's, I was okay with separate holidays. My previous ex, he was not. He wanted to alternate and it really made me mad because I disliked his family and I completely supported him going but I didn't want to go myself. It caused a real rift and I would be lying if I said it didn't play a part in us splitting up.

I am surprised by the number of replies saying to suck it up and go. I mean, I suppose it would make sense if the daughter were younger, if she lived at home part time or full time, etc. But she's a full-fledged adult, it's at her house with your partner, his ex, and the ex's family. Oof. I feel like she should "get it" but who knows.

I'm all for you spending time with your family and him spending time with his, or rather, his ex's family. 

The way I see it, life is short so you should spend time with people that you care about and actually want to see, not some random ex and her family. There is no "rule" that partners have to spend every single holiday together. He had a kid and you didn't, so I don't see why you should have to suffer.

This whole topic reminds me why I gave up and decided to stay single. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me, haha.

There are no guarantees in life. Having children does not guarantee that you will be supported in old age by them or surrounded by them as you die. Not having children does not guarantee a windfall of money and a responsibility-free life.

All you can do, regardless of child or not, is to prepare yourself the best you can. I have supplemental insurance policy that doesn't cost much per month that will pay me out cash, a lot of it, if I am dignosed with cancer or have another critical illness/health event and need financial help. I also plan to get long term care insurance and I sock away a lot of money every month. 

Just be prepared and don't bank on a lot of assumptions.

On 10/19/2021 at 8:49 AM, Batya33 said:

Do you feel getting older has anything to do with your increased happiness?  I am not sure for myself but I will say I think caring less about what others think (less .... not totally!) has triggered more freedom to be me, more happiness.

Yep, I think that's a big part of it for me. Not all of it, but certainly a big chunk. Getting older has sort of mellowed me out in some ways. I am much more likely to shrug my shoulders and say "okay, do what works for you and let me do what works for me". 

Years ago, I would not have gone the career route I did because my parents were not hot on it. Now I see that it works for me in so many ways and I feel happy AND I'm actually making more money per hour of work spent than my parents did for decades, and I've learned to ignore that part of me, rooted in childhood, that wants to please my parents at the expense of myself. It's an irrational urge and it doesn't serve me well. 

As others have stated, this is a highly subjective topic and since everyone is different has different values, then you will have a plethora of answers. All I can offer is mine. My advice is to keep an open mind, read everyone's, and think about it. What approach really resonates with you? 

For me, I have been feeling happier as a whole for the past 2 years and I chalk this up to some good choices I made. Namely, I decided I needed to make my relationship with my family healthier, follow MY instinct on what to do with my career, stop listening to my parents so much, and just live my life for me. It's going well. I gave up traditional dating too and I gave up some friends. I gave myself permission to live my life as I want to live it and with some exceptions, have done my best to untie my self worth from others' thoughts about me.

It's been very liberating. I wish I could tell you how to get here but I don't think it's possible. It's a path we all must find ourselves, in our own way. 

As one of my favorite writers once wrote (translated): "Life mostly consists of struggles in the dark." We are all trying to find our way through this existence and no one has all the answers. Find what works for you and run with it. 

Never wanted kids and I would never date a man with kids. I underwent permanent sterilization in my mid 20s. I'm in my early 30s and life is pretty good overall - if I weren't doing school and full time work, I would have more free time. I love it. Absolutely no regrets. 

Not sure if you're male or female but given your age, it will be a bit easier to find someone who doesn't want kids. I feel as generations continue on, the younger ones seem to be less likely to want kids and it's more acceptable to not have any. You may get fewer "matches" but you should garner pretty good interest, provided your profile/pic is good. 

I no longer date and I am not in a relationship but I always had a lot of options when I was dating. As soon as I hit 30, I noticed the number of available single dads went way up. I'm sure I could find someone semi-suitable who doesn't have kids if I wanted to, but I may have to dig for a while, versus in my 20s when there were more single people. But that's less on the kids bit - there's just MORE single folks in their 20s. 

We all have our standards and what we want out of life. Not wanting kids will not doom you and if you are serious, you will find someone. Never compromise and have a child when you don't want one or become an unwilling step-parent. That's a way to ruin 2 lives, yours and the kids.

3 hours ago, gamon said:

I think the nature and tone of the post triggered me.

To paraphrase...

"I presume you had a vasectomy, RIGHT??!!"

As if there were no other possible options and not having a vasectomy is a sure sign of some sort of undiagnosed mental illness or at least outright stupidity.

Reminds me of the antagonistic tone my exwife's attorneys would take when they were drilling me under cross examination in an attempt to extract every last possible dime out of me. Her attorney would usually start with "Isn't it true that..." and then start flinging wild accusations at me hoping to throw me off balance and possibly land a hit.

 

 

Admittedly, it's a bit of a hot topic for me. I am female and I had to push hard to get sterilized in my mid 20s. I was sick of being on hormones. I am now in my early 30s and I have no regrets but it honestly really bothers me when I hear of stories of men who also don't want children but are a bit more cavalier with birth control, or saying things like "leaving it up to the woman" and then are surprised when a baby is made. It really boggles my mind. I can't imagine being in their shoes and all it takes is one screw up, one sperm, and BAM, that's it. Now he's an unwilling father, not good for him or the kid, really. 

I'm sorry my post triggered you but given what you said re: ex wife and pitbull lawyers, it makes sense.  I take more of a "direct" approach on this topic, to be blunt and to let them know of what can happen, because it has happened to many guys. There are other options, sure, but if a guy is serious about it and he's a little older, it makes no sense not to make it permanent and fool-proof. That's always been my stance. It also helps out weed out people who are not a good fit. Women who want children won't stick around with a guy who is snipped because it's a dead end: can't change his mind, can't sabotage birth control, etc.

Just my take. 

I wish OP would come back and clarify because when I read "32" and "I don't want kids", I take that to mean "I don't want them ever" as people around that age will usually stipulate "well I want them someday". I could be wrong but that's how I took it. 

Maybe OP will change his mind, maybe not. That said, if he is serious about staying this way, then I do think it's prudent because as a man, he cannot control what a woman does with a pregnancy. It's foolish, IMO, to leave that door open if you yourself are certain that you're not going to use it. Way too many "oops" out there. 

2 hours ago, gamon said:

The Op is here asking for advice as to whether or not to continue the relationship, he's not looking to have a discussion about the birds and the bees. Whether he, or I, or any other of the zillions of guys out there who are not interested in having children get vasectomies is not the business of a random internet stranger, unless a thread is written to the effect of "I don't want more kids should I have a vasectomy"?

With all due respect, when you air your problems on an anon internet forum, looking for advice, people are going to give you advice on multiple aspects of your situation, including the potential for it to happen again in the future. OP is free to ignore what I or what anyone wrote if he disagrees but that's up to him. 

He's a guy in his 30s who doesn't want to have kids. The obvious answer is to break up and that's always my answer in these situations because it's a topic you can't compromise on. So what's going to happen when he dates the next girl? Okay, same thing. How can he avoid the same situation in the future? Get snipped and tell the women from the start.

Frankly, he and other men in his position are playing with fire if they don't want to be fathers and are going to rely on the woman for birth control only. 

Just now, PeaSoup said:

I'm curious what you mean. Are counselors able to help with this stuff? I don't know a lot about this subject to be honest. He's going to a therapist in a couple of days. Are they not able to help? I know it requires specialization, but am just wondering if there's been studies showing that this kind of stuff is beyond repair?

Just because someone goes to therapy doesn't mean that they will actually improve or not re-offend. That's not really the fault of the therapist but it has to do with the patient. Sure, so he's going to therapy, big deal - he can still lie to the therapist or downplay and continue his denials and rationalizations about the situation. You don't even know if he would tell the therapist what really happened. 

Regardless of what happens with him, be ready to wash your hands of him. This is not your circus, not your monkeys. His recovery is not your responsibility and if he is going to re-offend, then he will and there is nothing you will be able to do about it so there's no point in worrying more. 

You did the right thing in encouraging him to see someone - up to him if he utilizes that resource appropriately. You did all you can do. 

I work full time and I also am in graduate school. Frankly, I don't have time for a full-fledged relationship. I mean, I suppose I COULD but I do value the leisure time I do have and I don't want to fill that time with other things. Most people in my position have families and such, but I know their family life sort of takes a back seat OR they are able to lean on their spouse financially and go part time or less. I live alone so not an option for me. 

For me, and this is just me, but I looove my leisure time so 2/3 is doable but not a total of 3. If I had to do all 3, something is taking a backseat. Something has got to give. 

Work/School, Work/Relationship, School/Relationship

Again, your mileage may vary. I treasure my leisure time/seeing family and getting 8+ hours of shuteye every night. 

As you get older, you will learn your limits and what you want out of life. Yes, you could schedule your time, being superwoman and working 50+ hours a week, have a husband, 1.5 children, plus a social life, plus volunteer, plus seeing your other family members, plus hobbies...

Some people can do that and be happy but not me. Could I do it? Sure. Would I want to off myself within 6 months? Probably.

Figure out what you want and need in your life to be happy and to take care of your own needs and then be mindful of how much you take on as you get older, taking into account the benefits and the costs. 

PeaSoup,

At the end of the day, the relationship is over for you. Maybe he was abused, ok, let's assume that he was - that doesn't make it okay. Same thing with remorse. Remorse doesn't excuse what happened, it's only a part of the beginning of moving forward with one's life into recovery. 

What bothers me about this is that he did it multiple times yet states that he doesn't know why he did it and that he doesn't know where he got the idea to threaten her. There's a lot of denial going on with him. He needs professional help and I'm doubtful he's going to get it in a real capacity. 

He is saddled with some terrible, horrific stuff, some of it is his doing, some of it is not. When you are yoked to him in a relationship, then in some ways, his s__t becomes your s__t simply because you are yoked together in this relationship. And what he is bringing forward is TERRIBLE and affecting you negatively so much already. 

Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you have sworn a lifetime oath to stay with that person no matter what, even if it kills you. You are well within your right to look at a situation, even a marriage, and say "yeah, you know what, things have changed in a way that makes this relationship unhealthy for me and not possible to continue and I need to walk away." 

Alleviate yourself of that guilt and walk away, if for no other reason than your own mental and emotional wellbeing. This is far beyond what you are comfortable and can handle and that's okay but that means you need to recognize that and get yourself out promptly. 

No more perseverating about the situation. You can dissect it all you want and go through the details in your head but at the end of the day, it's still a load of s__t and your hands are going to smell and you'll be unhappy. So take a shower of this and call your parents. Meet up and ask them to help you wash this man out of your life so you can find something healthier for you. 

2 hours ago, gamon said:

Why in the world would you assume that? I'm not having kids again and I didn't get a vasectomy, wouldn't even consider it.

It's also irrelevant to the issue

It's not irrelevant at all. If OP definitely does not want kids at all, then it is in his better interests to get a vasectomy so that no "oops" pregnancies can happen, especially with girlfriends that may have other motives. 

10 minutes ago, PeaSoup said:

Thank you, I have parents in town I can go see, but I think that's a good idea. I'm paralysed with fear. I need to talk to a therapist. I need to figure out a way to do this asap that also keeps me and my possessions and my credit score safe. 

I'm scared.

 

Go to your parents and tell them what happened. Tell them you need their help to get out of this situation and relationship. You're their daughter and they love you; they will help you. But talk to them ASAP, go to them in person and let it all out and tell them what you need in order to get out quickly and safely. 

On 10/13/2021 at 6:56 PM, PeaSoup said:

 He knew it was wrong at the time but he thinks he semi justified it to himself since she was what he thought at the time was a "willing participant" 

Do you feel that he feels remorse for this? It doesn't really sound like it, to me, from what you've written.

I suppose in your shoes, I'd feel a little differently if it were clear that he tried once then was immediately repulsed/disgusted with himself, deeply regretted it, was truly ashamed, and had been seeking help for a while, long before even meeting you or mentioning it to you. 12/13 is old enough to know better also still quite young and it's possible that he was abused - who knows. But that's not the case here. 

What raises my eyebrows and would make me walk away, full stop, is that he did it more than once, threatened her to keep quiet, and admits he justified it to himself. Does he still justify it? Did he talk about it like she was willing?

That coupled with the past lying (about past cheating and lying about getting a STD test) all point to him being someone that you need to stay away from.

I think that seeing a therapist/psychologist is a wonderful idea. 

Thread states: "My boyfriend is mad that I crave ice-cream most days"

Reality: "My boyfriend is mad that I ask him to get me ice-cream almost everyday, utilizing his time and money and treating him like a servant."

It's not really fair. What is he getting out of it? You say that you'd gladly get your partner ice cream almost everyday if they want it but saying that is easy, doing that is another thing. Unless you two had an agreement or some thing to make it fair, you may well end up feeling resentful too. 

She wants kids, you do not. Why are you leaving this up to her?

I'll tell you what will happen if you "leave it up to her". You will end up fathering a child, like it or not.

You are a man and as soon as pregnancy happens, you have no control. You can't give up your parental rights, you can't force her to abort, etc. It is in your better interests to take your own birth control in your hands. If you leave it to someone else, YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD.

My advice is to leave her. Stop giving her time to conoct some semblance of a reason for you two to continue this. She can always lie and say that she "sees the light" and doesn't want kids, and then she "forgets" her pill and you're screwed.

Get a vasectomy so this doesn't have to be as much of a worry for you in the future. It will also repell women that want kids once they hear you're snipped and trust me, you want to do that. 

I'm in my early 30s and am surgically sterile so I'm walking the talk. 

If it sounds like a duck, and it looks like a duck, and it walks like a duck....

I know I'm going to get pounced on this but it sounds like you know the truth and know what you have to do. I would personally get a hold of his phone covertly, take some screenshots that prove what he was doing and send them to yourself so you have proof and can show people what's going on. Also, if the police have to get involved, that's futher proof.

I'm not sure what is not right here but it's pretty clear that it's him who is doing all of this. 

I get "Whiffs" here and there of smells. I think I just have a lot of inflammation but I'm pretty confident it will come back and I don't think it will take quite as long. I have already started "smell training".

Definitely getting the booster is a good idea. I don't regret getting mine, although I ended up getting infected before it took effect. 

Planning a trip to Canada in later November. I think I should test negative by then. 

If conventional beauty and attraction was the primary, main factor in dating, then barely anyone above the age of 50 would be getting laid. 

It really does take all types and physical attraction isn't everything. It also is augmented big time by emotional connection. When you care about someone and respect them, you feel more attracted to them on a physical level. 

On 10/8/2021 at 11:58 AM, Seraphim said:

How are you feeling ?

Pretty good. I had a monoclonal antibody infusion. No fevers, no respiratory symptoms, no more chills, and no headaches. Smell is still gone but I get "whiffs" here and there. I am confident it will come back with time. I have some residual fatigue but not much. Gets better everyday. 

On 10/8/2021 at 12:53 PM, Seraphim said:

Yup, always research when heading to another country. But I know many Americans think of us as an extension of the US or forget we exist. It sticks in our national craw sometimes 😬

Honestly, that would make me really annoyed too. It's kind of disrespectful. If you're going to go into another country, it's only the right thing to do to bone up on some basic information re: the laws.

I carry pepper spray and a large knife in my car when I am home in the US. I've had people approach my car and bang on the window before. I haven't had to spray anyone - yet, but displaying them cannister with my finger on the button makes people back away from my car, as they should! I also have some sterile, wrapped needles in my glove compartment - I bought these legally at a pharmacy, no script needed. 

I go to Canada quite often and I have a little "check-list" I go through before I go over the border. I leave the mace and large knife at home. I also take Canada-accepted proof of my auto insurance, should I get into an accident. The only other knife I have is a small pocket knife (it's quite small) so I always keep that in my bag.

Don't get me wrong, I like guns and now am a registered gun owner but I think it's the height of self-centeredness for me to assume that everyone else/ every other country is the same way. Just because we share a land border, that doesn't really mean anything.

I miss Canada. I was planning to go over but had to cancel my trip due to my breakthrough infection. I am hoping to go over in the future, when I'm better and I test negative. I'll be over there soon enough. 

Canada is my "back up" plan. I would not want to work in Canada as I stand to make a LOT more in the US but if the worst happen, I would move, live with Canadian family, and apply for citizenship. I'd rather commute over the border for work.