I know something is wrong with me, but I just don't know what. I have had problems with major depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol for many years now. The alcohol was self medication. It made me feel okay. I drank to excess, and when the depression would hit, I would usually end up back in AA. I have stayed sober for as long as 18 months before. I have had several periods of sobriety that lasted over a year. Today, I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I seldom drink. I was chaptered out of the Army because I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. After I got out of the Army, I continued to have problems. I seemed to keep ending up in the same place-emotionally indifferent, angry, depressed, withdrawn from family/friends/enjoyable activities. I sought the help of another professional and he diagnosed as being bipolar. I'm not really sure this is the problem either. I was put on Zoloft, then Effexor, then Paxil when I was in the Army and it did help some. I am terrible about staying on my meds. When the doc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after I got out of the Army, he kept me on the Paxil and added Lithium Carbonate. I do okay for a while, but I keep getting back in the same place as mentioned before. In addition, I find that I am becoming more and more angry also. I frequently think about being violent towards people that run into when I am withdrawn. For example, if a drunk comes up and asks me for money when I am at a gas staion or somewhere, I usually get furious and cuss him out and tell him to get a *beep* job. I work and you can too. I always want them to be violent towards me so I can let all of my anger go on them. Thoughts like beating them to death with some object like a large wrench or hammer always pop into my mind. I feel really *beep* up. What do I need to do? At work, I feel like I am always behind and I have great difficulty in getting organized and managing my daily tasks. I work as an engineer, so it is imperative that I do my job well or costly mistakes be the result. I am not happy and I want all of this to change. I live in a rural area that I grew up in and it has been reduced to nothing. The economy is dead and there are no women here that I am remotely interested in. I just want to pick up and leave, but I am afraid my problems will come with me. I don't know what to do!