Hello All-
Well here is my first post, I have been kind of holding off on posting thinking things would work out, but here it is 2 months later and things are still messed up. I appologize in advance for my writting skill and style, I am afraid I am not that great at getting my thoughts and feelings down in writting. This may become a long post and I appologize in advance for that as well. With that said here I go...
I am 26 years old and was engaged for over 4 years to a 24 year old. We have been together for 9 years now. If you do the math you see we have been together since she was 15 and I was 17. We lived with eachother for 7 of those years.
Through out the course of our relationship we have been through a lot together and have made it an aweful long way. I was headed on the path of destruction with no drive or desire to better myself. With her help I put myself through school and now have a very successfull carreer and live a "upper" class life. We used to be so broke and could barely pay rent and bills month to month but we managed. We used to talk about when we have money what we were going to do and how all of our problems would go away. We moved into a beuatiful house in the suburbs, go on a nice vacation every year, we have super nice things, 2 new cars, etc.. We have everything we once talked about. We are doing far better than ANY of our friends, or even parents. We were just buying a house together like 5-6 months ago (we got turned down from one bank, she insists it was a sign). We talked about our family and childrens names, we planned everything as if we were going to be together forever without a doubt.
Through out the course of our relationship her family, and everyone else would always say how it would never work, and so on. Her friends seem very jealous of what we had.
Well when we moved about 3-4 years ago, we moved 4 hours from her family and friends. She became distant for a while, but we would always make it up there or her family and friends down here. But she did grow a little distant from them.
We got into routine big time. By this I mean, I would come home, go work in my office until bed then go to bed. When she came home, I would greet her give her a kiss and be back in my office until dinner. Every week I would get paid I would sign my check over and she took care of all the bills. She was always free to do as she pleased with the money as she is WAY more financially responsible than I. We stopped doing things together, we stopped being intimate, and I was just ignorant to the fact that she was unhappy. She never came out and said it.
For about a 4-6 months she completely shut me out, she would come home, go up to bed and sleep, watch TV, and eat. Now that I look back I can obviously see she was depressed. Everytime I would want sex or intimacy I would get shut down with "I dont feel like it".
I am positive a lot of my issues had a doing on all this as well. I was controlling at times, I would threaten to leave her when things werent what I wanted, I also have major seperation issues, and I was constantly in fear of her finding someone else. I really took her for granted as well, all she did and has done for me I never appreciated any of it. She cooked, cleaned, paid bills, etc.. Instead I would hold the amount of money I made over her head, and basically I was a big Di**. I mean even recently I have had friends tell me, man you were such a jerk for a while there, it is so fun to hang out with you now, and they also told me they would secretly call me a hermit, because I would never do anything (either did she).
Well about 3 months ago she asked if I wanted to go see her family with her, me hating car rides I said no, she could go alone. She did, and while she was up there she was constantly hanging out with and talking with this one guy. My jealousy came out and everytime we talked it was an argument that weekend. She came home and stated she was goign back the next weekend but this time for 5 days and she didnt want me coming. She went and it was the same thing again, the same guy, and my jealousy / rage ensued. We argued everyday we talked about this guy and her commitment to me. She came home, and the first and only thing she said was "I want a seperation". I tried talking her out of it, but she already knew what she wanted it seemed. After a week of talking she said she may be willing to work on things but she needed time. So again she took off work for 2 weeks and went back up there. During this 2 weeks she was going to decide what she wanted. I talked to her a few times, and aksed her (I cant think of any other reason) if there was someone else, or the thought of someone, she insisted there wasn't but I kept and do still keep hearing rumors about her with other guys. Well she came back and said she did want to separate. I was in hell for that 2 weeks and she knew it.
Well basically from my understanding she wanted to keep living there (with me) and keep me on a string just in case she wanted this back. She openly says she is cinfused and does not know what she wants. After a week of living like that I told her one of us needs to move out because this is not healthy for either one of us, I would just have a bunch of false hope. She also (even to this day) is still wearing my engagement ring, last time I seen her she even took it off for a minute and commented on how she was going to stop wearing it soon because she didnt want people think she was taken, she then put it back on. After I told her one of us had to go, she said she would because she could not afford it on her own. She was then very bitter towards me. Everytime I would tell her I didnt want her to leave or wanted to work, she throws it in my face "You were the one who said one of us had to move out". Well isn't that what heppens when people split up?
So now here we are, she took off work for 2 months and went to stay with her family. She says her intentions are to move back here (I am the only person she really knows here aside from one friend and my family) and get her own apartment and maybe we can work on things. She openly admits she may be running away from things, but states this is what she needs. She said she does not think she is in love with me anymore but is certain she loves me and cares for me. She also said she is very confused, and that the spark is not there. She said she just is not happy and has not been and she is sorry she did not say something sooner. I told her I think we can work this out, and I think we can get the spark back and become happy if she would just give me the chance. I mean we stopped doing all the things we enjoyed together, I was only looking at the negative everyday, I took it all for granted, and I thought she would just always be there. I also told her I know I have anger problems, control issues, and seperation issues and I amwilling to work on those. I actually started seeing a doctor about all of this as well. This is something I never admited or has come out to the open before, also I never ever had to ask for a "chance" from her before. I know we can get the spark back and be happy again.
She left 5 days ago. I am being cival and very nice throughout all this. I am letting her store everything in the my garage (even though I now have a roommate to make ends meet). And I am also letting her keep things in my basement. I have let her take everything she wanted pretty much including our savings.
So far the things that got me through this is, agree with everything (who can fight with someone who agrees), be positive, and act as if everything is perfect the way it is going. I mean I do all good "acting" but deep down inside thats all it is is an act. I wake every morning and open my eyes and think "Why bother anymore". I am at a very low point now, and it kills me that she is so happy and shameless because she never was before. I feel like I was an abusive husband (Never ever even once), or I cheated, or something, because of how I am getting shuned.
I am going out with my friends every weekend trying to have fun, but in all actuallity I am miserable, when I go somewhere I think "I wish Ann was here with me". When girls come to talk to me I say I am engaged (that actually seems to get them to talk more even though that is not my intention). I have dreams about her so real I wake and see if she is there. All the advice I read says "Dont call, email, or send letters or flowers". Man that is so hard, I just wish she would call me. But so far I have resisted.
Now here I am alone, miserable, and so full of self resentment and hatred I want to burst. I am so lost and confused now. I mean I want her to come back, but what if she does, and has slept with 1000000 other guys or even 1 for that matter? Or how can I take her back if she may do this again? I know I shoudlnt maybe, but in the end regardless I would take her back in a heartbeat.
I am scared, I am finding myself not being able to do this. I cant manage money, I cant clean, cook. I am falling into alot of my old ways again to, doing things I would have never thought twice about. It seems to be a downward spiral. I am scared, I am going to crash and burn hard. I know my work and job are being effected big time as well. I really am scared and lonely.
She left me at a very low point as well. My mom is on her death bed, I have my testicular cancer back, and my neice just commited suicide. She knew all of this and didnt even seem to care.
I just want her back, and I want a chance to change, make thing better, treat her the way she deserves and do this right. I want to get her a ring she deserves (The ring I got I thought was snetimental, because I bought it when we were flat borke, it just kind of symbolizes to me what we been though and made it through, but it was like $200.00 cheapo) and get married the way she deserves. All my friends tell me I am nuts, and I should stop letting her walk all over me and I need to throw her stuff out. They say "Stop being nice to her now, look where it has gotten you". When in all actuallity it was the exact opposite that got us here, and I am just tryig to make things better in hopes of working it out.
I dont really know what I expect to get out of this post, but I really do not have many people to talk to about this, and it feels good to get it all down. Should I call her? Should I hope? Is there a chance? Was there another guy you think? Is there anyway to get her back? Is this all hopeless? What the heck should I do? How can I stop this pain and hurt? How can she be so cruel? How can one day she just decide she didnt want this? Am I a moron for hoping and wanting her back? How can someone start a life with someone like that and have almost everything, then basically just end up doing it all over with someone else in a cycle? I mean whats the point? Why build all this then start all over building it with someone else when we could just work on this and fix this? Why was I such a moron and did not see this? Why didnt I fix this before it was to late? Why am I such an idiodic mron for letting the best thing that has ever happened to me disappear? Well either way thanks for reading about my misery, and thanks in advance for any advice or words of wisdom you may have. Feel free to email or message me as well. email removed .
TIA
Thanks Again.
DvS
