Daveystu

HI tiger 4, Maybe this will help. I was in a 20 relationship, and married a virgin. She remained faithful, and her personality would not even let her imagine being with someone else coupled with low libido. Me on the other hand, My personality would be able to have one night stands and I would be able to so detach emotionally that It really, and honestly did not mean a thing. Now, to my wife, her personality just would not be able to comprehend this type of thinking. And, I, would have most likely, although knowing her personality would not even had been angry if she did and she told me it meant nothing. Relationships take work and for years I really, really, really felt I loved my wife. She also told me the same, but, one traumatic event and it could trigger lots of emotional termoil and it could be the end. The fact of the matter is there is toxic love and real love and you should knowthe difference. Also, take a personality test with your partner to find out his true feelings, insecurites, good qualities and qualites that you both would like to work on personally. Faith is big and if you are not sure what type of faith, there is a sight called link removed that offers a free quiz. I will give you an example of knowing now vs. what I didnt no back then. My ex was a very very private person. I knew she was private but, I didnt realize how private. I realized that she was a introvert, but did not comprehend the extent of her absolute need for privacy. Me on the other hand, need people in my life and like my personality would not hesitate to invite a couple friends over to my house after the bar closed, or after a ball game and sit around my deck and kick it. Sounds harmless, to a personality like me, BUT, IF I would have known that by doing this, it would be liking sticking a knife in my Wifes heart, I would have been able to make a conscious decision and the very least, gave her a call to see if she would mind, if that was something that was important to me. Compromise, respect and committment and love are words easily spoken but often misinterpreted. Dig down and find both your personalities and remember, all personalities can have wonderful lives together and obviously certain personalities feed off each other, but, if you dont address this early, YOu could end up like me, divorced because of lack of information. ENNEAGRAM Personality tests are easy to find on the internet. Good luck, and I hope this helped. Dave

HI Orlander, Thanks for the Advice. But, me being the 3 personality and all, it is my nature to help the underdog. LOL. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me. Unlike anybody in this world, I know this girl and I will continue to try and develop her emotionally and be her very best friend till death due us part. We might not be partners, but we will be Parents for ever. You call it being a therapist, I call it being a friend, knowing that she is a 5 and, if, like many fives in this world, think they know it all, well, hey, I gave it a shot. I am not bothering, groveling, begging and pleading, as I was months ago. That causes the 5 to withdraw, further and is repuslive. I honestly could tell you that, if she wanted me back today, I would say, OK, but, on the condition that we both try to uncover the inner issues that are sooo apparent with this beautiful, smart, and very capable woman. If she couldnt find the courage to do this, and her know it all attitude would not compromise, then, I would continue to be friends, and my 3, could take care of her needs LOL> But, on the other hand, I would have to be on top of my game regardless, and most of all, she wouldnt want me back if I was sitting home all day, Googling how I can get my Ex Back. lOL. Thanks again, and I wish you all the happiness in everything you do. Dave

After two years of agony, this is what enlightned me personally, and, since you are in the infancy of your relationship, there is no doubt, that you both could live a fulfilling and magical life together if you only knew how. Here is how. Jungs Enneagram Theory. If you havent heard of it, Google Enneagram. There is 9 basic personality types. With sub types, and a boat load of wings, nuances, etc of each. It was fascinating to me, when I read about me the 3 and my ex the 5 and how we could co exist in a 20 year relatoinship, and she could, in my 3s mind, abruptly end it. I realized and truly 100 percent believe, that if I would have known about this even 5 years earlier or 2 years earlier, possibly, and it absolutely wont work unless you both want it, but, I am totally convinced that my marriage would have not only survived, but it would have been everything, that we both could imagine, living happily ever after and having true love for each other. I have read a lot of responses to peoples dillemmas and i have not seen anyone post a thought about Enneagram. My email is email removed if you care to IM or if I can be of any more help too you ( thats my 3 coming out lol) Good luck and oh, to be your age and have this type of knowledge. You will be a dynamic, invincible, true loving, story book type couple. I know it. Dav

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you taking the time and effort. I have recently discovered the Enneagram types and I being a three, and you taking the time to even read my email, means a lot to me. Also, thank you for the poem, I will use it and always remember where it came from. I still will hold out hope, but, I have been telling myself that I do not NEED her, but I am allowed to Desire her. She is a5 personality, and if she refuses to acknowledge long deep issues within herself, committing to someone at this point in her life, is something that, although deep down, she wants and at this time, is kinda giving it a last ditch effort to find that special someone, unfortunatley for her 5 personality, without serious inward focus, she will not be able to form a bond. In that respect, it does give me comfort, and I decided to, since we will always have a relationship as Coparents, I have decided to start focusing on myself, showing love and nurturing my two boys, while giving Laura the privacy she so desires along with becoming a true loving friend to her. My animosity is gone for the most part, and I am beginning to understand that, I did not force her to marry me when I asked her, and I can not and should not force her to stay against her wishes. I am dissappointed, but, like I mentioned, I am not going to totally give up, but, I will put it into Gods hands and treat her, with the respect and dignity that everyone deserves. Thanks again, and hope your Golden Shadow follows you everywhere in life. Dave (Daveystu@link removed)

Briefly, I was dumped after 20 years. The fact is, I have been almost divorced for 2 years and have found many answers to why. IN fact, I am pretty comfortable with most of the reasons and the red flags that I and my ex ignored. The fact of the matter is that we both were unhappy in the relationship for many years. I at times, would bring up things ( she worked 6 days a week and still does delivering mail) like counseling and such and she refused and blew off the notion that she didnt love me or that I felt that she didnt. She used to say things like, it is your imagination. In the beginning of the marriage, she wanted a divorce after two years because of my drinking. I have to admit, I was not really in love at the time and was not completely devastated by the news but, stuck with her and quit drinking for ten years. I began to have success in my business and made a good amount of money. She started to go out after work and would come home with liquor on her breath. I confronted her about this and told her that I thought it was unfair of her, and she came up with the excuse that I wanted sex all the time since I quit drinking and she felt like a piece of meet. She wanted a divorce again. This was ten years into it and two boys later. I asked again to go to counseling and she reluctantly agreed. Went one time, the counselor asked her if she wanted to be married to me and she replied that she did not know. A little info, my ex was a virgin when I married her, and like most guys, I would describe myself as experienced. lol. Anyway, I always thought that this would pose a problem and often at times would bring up this fact and tell her that if that was an issue, that I would allow her to explore men. She was appalled and told me that was not an issue. So, the second counseling session comes and she does not show up. I am there with a counselor who tells me, simply, you have to get a grip and realize that she does not want to be married to you and is not willing to try. I, begged her to stay and told her that with both our salarys, we could by a big house in the burbs and I could compromise on the sex and do whatever she wanted because, from what I have learned, THOUGHT, i loved her. I have since became an expert on relationships while my ex is stagnant to the fact. The one compromise that she had to make, since I gave up the daily sex for three or four times a week, was I was going to start drinking again. I love beer and told her that I was going to try and control it. Anyway, I often wanted to get to the root of the problems and knew in my heart that we had issues. I was willing to go along, I guess, in hindsight because, I did not love myself and was stuck in the world of Material things and such and losing my prize virgin / and by the way she is pretty good looking, and the thought of not having daily contact with my boys was enough for me too stick it out, even though I was unhappy. She finally, one day, says to me, she wants a divorce. It happened after we had a very heated argument, which was rare, we were the couple that pushed things under the rug. During the argument, she called the police, I left before they came, they pulled me over outside the subdivision where we lived and I received a DUI. She used this as a springboard for a divorce. Mind you, I have done worst things before and it did not trigger this reaction. Anyway, I was totally crushed and have been looking for answers. I have really learned a lot and am pretty close to closure. Here is my dilemma. I know for a fact that if my ex gets involved with someone else, that it will not last if she continues to have the personality she has and continues to reject any self help or acknowledge that she has major issues. She had no real interests other then video poker. She ran up about 200 thousand dollars in credit card bills and I had to go bankrupt soon after the divorce. I totally felt used, but, have been through the forgiving stage. Back to the dilemma. Only three things can happen as far as I can see concerning HER future. 1 she ends up alone for the rest of her life. (highly unlikely but possible in my opinion.) 2. Comes to her senses goes to counseling and realizes that after twenty years and two kids and a loving committing person she had and she would be willing, to at least find out if there is anything for the two of us to salvage. Either remarry or at the least become very good friends and great co parents. or 3. Meet someone who will put up with 60 hours of work a week, very limited time for him etc. also, put up with her demeanor, attitude etc. But, what i have seen, is, she is upbeat, lost 10 pounds, is having interests in things she never had with me. And, above all, if she does meet someone who she is attracted to initially, that she would be willing to look at her past mistakes with me, and use it for her benefit, such as counseling and or at the least, talking about issues to the NEW GUY> Should I be angry that she didnt at least give us a shot with counsling with knowing that she is willing to explore things with someone she hardly knows? I have a very strong feeling, that if she would have been willing to go to counsling and address her inner self and issues, that we would have made a great team and we both would have been very happy and the children would have been spared the pain of us divorcing. I know, I can not make someone love me, or even try if they dont want too, but, I dont know what I would do, If I knew that she would be willling to try with someone she hardly knows before at least giving us a shot for the second part of our life. Mid life crisis for her? Grass is greener syndrome? or will she be back?