Aschleigh

He pinched and pushed you, that is abuse. As well as the verbal, emotional, mental abuse you suffered.

I am sure we all agree , you were abused.

Are you out of the situation now? are you in a safe place where you can do some counseling?

Don't beat yourself up. It's hard, it's going to be hard some days, not so hard other days.

If you are comfortable with calling him to talk, do so. It won't probably answer your questions. He doesn't even know why he did the stuff he did.

And yes he loves you. But love isn't enough sometimes.

Remember you deserve a faithfull, kind, considerate man, and he's not it.

Moving on is a slow road. Take your time. It's ok to be sad.

it's totally ok and even good to want to develope a friendship with her and want her to be your girlfriend.

Why settle for only some of what you want?

Ask her out.

How old are you? This is good practice for any girl you are interested in?

Be honest. Women love to hear we are the funniest, flirtiest and spunkiest people you know.

Really, the guy that gets the kind of girl this girl is, is the one who will go up to her and talk to her and tell her how cool she is. Learn to flirt yourself.

You may look dumb, but it's better than always asking " what if? "

Ask her to go to a movie. If she says yes, there's hope. If she says no, drop it completely.

I'm that girl:

I remember many other of your posts about the anxiety you have with your boyfriend about his not calling or being distant. Is all that cleared up now? 4months isn't a long time. It seems like you have a lot of discord with this man and now on top of it, he will be a new father.

What is this doing to your kids? Are they getting the healthiest, more attentive mom possible? Are you feeling like you are taking care of yourself and your kids to the best of your abilities?

I think that needs to be the priority right now.

This relationship could go either way, it could prosper or end. But your own health and happiness and your kids well being should be paramount right now.

Let him deal with his drama, the baby , the ex, etc.. And let there be some space for a bit. ( not NO contact neccesarily)

See what he does. Take care of your kids and yourself right now.

I wish my mom had gotten this advice when she was dating and a single mom and involved in boyfriend drama when I was growing up.

Do you think this is true: "My wife complains that she needs to feel intimate before we make love, but I get to intimacy through making love."

Why do men get to intimacy through sex while men want intimacy ( often) before sex?

Is it just our wiring?

I am particularly looking for a man's perspective. I notice men don't express themselves as much in intimate ways as women. Is the physical act of love a way men feel more comfortable expressing love?

Men: when do you know you have intimacy with a women? It is verbal, emotional, physical? Does it feel signifigantly different when you are having sex with someone you also have intimacy with emotionally, mentallly then when you have sex with someone you hardly know?

Men: what is intimacy to you? Ideally , what do you want women to know about intimacy with men?

You could tell him to stop contacting you unless he has something signifigant to say.

He's testing the waters, he still wants to be with you but doesn't want to change.

See other people, let it go and in 5 months see how you feel.

Talk to her. Ask her what she likes, tell her what you like. Get a book : The Kama Sutra. Tell jokes in bed to lighten the mood. Ask her while you are at dinner if you can make love to her later. Figure out what feels good to you and ask for it. COMMUNICATE.

You are lucky to get out of this abusive situation alive. Things could be much worse.

You are now not being hit, kicked, or verbally abused. Isn't that a lot better?

There will be sadness. This is NOT your fault. She is hurting too, even if she doesn't show it. You are free now to have a healthy relationship, a life without abuse, a life!

You have learned much in the last 7 years. They were not a waste.

Live now.

I hear you. I am in a similar situation. But it's only been 9 months. I want a committed relationship, he doesn't. Unfortuantely it takes 2 to committ.

So I still see the guy I love. He knows my feelings. I am open and honest with him. But I have begun to explore my options. I went on a couple of dates . They were nice. I see the main guy less now, Once or twice a week.

It's a day by day thing. I can't make it happen as much as I'd like to. And so I will date and see what happens in other areas of my life.

It raises a flag to me that your guy is now one and a half years into a relationship and he doesn't want to get attached.

I bet if you gave everything some breathing room ( it may take months)

Started talking to, dating other guys, went out with your friends more, conncentrated on yourself for a whiile, he may have some time to think how great you are. Or you may find some one or some things even greater than he is. It's always good to open up your options and stay concentrated on what makes you happy and feeling alive. You can't change him. He may come around in his own time or not. Get on with your life.

He'll know you are serious when you have been gone for a month.

Then he will either committ to change or let you go.

It's time for you to move on.

Just leave, then call him and say you want a divorce and that you will do your best to make sure that he sees his child as often as possible.

Just do it.

Look at you. You've come through the worse. You've learned from your decisions. You are alive. You are ready to make better decisions. You are feelings and thinking and growing. You have had to leave some people behind, but there are so many new people just waiting to support you. You have ( probably) opened your life and your heart to strangers. And we understand becuase we are the going through the same stuff. Relationships, being human, it's all there.

Let's party!

I am affriad that I won't be able to be happy. I have a history of depression. I am much better than I was at my most depressed.

I am unemployed and it's been very hard to find a new job. But a part of me is too depressed to pursue the career I was in. ( TV production) It's really competitiive and cut throat. I don't know what I really want to do with my life other than be with my boyfriend. I am happiest when I am with him. He is wonderful but younger than I am and not ready for an exclusive relationship. I know we love each other but I get so affriad of losing him.

I was very hurt about 7 years ago by my mom who moved away from our home and got married to a new man I hardly knew. It threw me into a major depression. My mom and I get along on and off.

My boyfriend now ( we have been together 9 months) has made me the happiest I have been in so long.

I don't know if I will be able to make good decision in the future. I need to find a job obvisously but am feeling discouraged ( I get unemployment so I am able to pay rent and whatnot) I want to be in a more comfortable place with my boyfriend, things will be so good for a while , then he needs space, gets distant. I am 30, he is 23. I don't know how much of myself to put into this. If I give up on us I will regret I know. If we stay together it may be hard for me to let him have the space or see him see other people. I don't know if I could deal with that.

I am feeling in a real rut and don't know what to do to change things. Maybe this too shall pass.

She can get on some kind of regular birth control, like the depo-provera shot, taken once every three months , it inhibits ovulation for 3 months, or the birth control pill, many other options. You did the right thing. But now think about the long term of preventing pregnancy if you are going to be having a sexual relationship.

Palsey. You have only had married sex. It's like saying I prefer apples over oranges. But I have never had an orange, I just know that apples are better. That is not a prefernce. You have to try both things and with the knowledge of what each it like, make the decision that one is better.

I prefer sex with love over sex without love. I know this becuase I have had both, and I know my prefernce.

And I have seen many judgemental posts like : I don't think teenagers should being having sex so I can't give advice to them.

And yes, I'm only on here when I'm not having sex. Sex is my preference to being online.

I realized that I think it's this prudishness, conservativeness that is actually at the root of the problem people usually write in about.

How many "problems" on enotalone could be solved by accepting that we are sexual beings, we want sex, we don't always want sex with the right person, we don't always want sex with the complications that come with it, but we always want sex.

It's the attitude of "sex as a taboo" that is the problem.

I have had lots of sex, with emotions and without. I prefer the with emotions sex. But there certainly is something to be learned from sex without emotions. What is to be learned from only have sex with one person for your entire life? If that's one's choice fine, I still think it's religious ridiculousness. If you're not gaining favor with god, why would you limit your sex life to one person for your whole life?

I know one person waiting till marriage to have sex, she is a fundemantalist christian.

My point is : all that conservativism, prudishness, that actually IS your problem. Is is ok, even better to make mistakes and learn from them.

I know how to get birth control and I have learned how I react emotionally when I have sex with someone. These are good life skills that I encourage people to get. Even teenagers can start learning this stuff.

It may be harder for men to get sex but it is not impossible. Go to college, drink a lot at a party and talk to every girl you see. That will teach you more than sitting at a computer any day.

It's 2006 and it's hard to believe that anyone still talks about virginity, no sex before marriage, teenagers having sex, homosexuality, S and M, etc.. like there are any taboos left.

I live in the United States, I am a 30 years old women.

It seems to me that in reality people are having sex at all ages in all different kinds of ways.

But still every once in a while I see someone say " I am still a virgin at 22" or that " I'm not comfortable about giving sex advice to a teenager".

IS this willful ignorance? What could one's motivation for not pursuing great sex? Why would anyone be judgemental about another person's sex practices ( if they are between consenting adults, or consenting people)

Is the rest of the world still so traditional and sexist that a really sexual women is still a threat to society?

For a web-site about sex, relationships, etc.. I find a lot of prudish people here. Or is it me, Am I just over the whole " sex is bad, let's be ignortant cause that will makes us better people thing."?

I'd say he's pretty into you. Wants to sleep with you, wants all the benifits of a boyfriend while still maintain the " just friends" line.

What do you want? Do you want to be friends with her or more? Decide what you want and tell her what is it, see if she is into it.

If you want to be just friends, don't let her spend the night or call so much. That's more than friends behavior.

Find a good therapist that deals with addiction and co-dependency. You have just gotten out of a very traumatic situation, it will take a long time to process how his addiction effected you life and heal from it.

If you can find an ala-non group it might help. It's for friends and family of addicts.

Take care of yourself first.

All this girlfriend stuff doesn't matter if you feel depressed, panicky, can't leave the house.

See a doctor ASAP. Get the depression, etc... taken care of. Deal with your finances, get a new job. Do all that before you date again

I hear what you are saying Friscodj , but instead of creating more distance, leaning away from the pain. I lean into the pain. In a buddhist way I try to use this experience to get closer to my fears. My fear of being lonely. My fear than even Love isn't enough. ( which doesn't mean that I have to have contanct with him much) What if I just accept that I love him and want to be able to express that love in some way to him. That I am scared of losing him, so I work on a way of being with him that doesn't involve losing our connection comepletly.

What if I am bold and ever so often remind him, yes I am getting on with my life but no I haven't stopped loving you.

What if I have faith that love is greater than it all. ( while I still do what it takes to take care of myself emotionally, mentally, physically) I can do both, but first most I take care of myself.

Taking care of myself involves being able to open myself to the pain that comes with loving someone so deeply and thereforeee still being open to the love too.

I am trying to stay open to all possibilities.

Where do you live? I'll come over with some Lorazapan. It's an anti-anxiety drug that works for me. I had to take it today becuase my boyfriend again tells me he needs space.

I get it at the free clinic in Los Angeles.

I seriously recomend that you find some professional help ASAP. A clinic if you can afford them a free clinic, even an emergency room will be able to stear you in the right direction.

I think you need anti-depressants perhaps too.

I know what it is to not be able to function under the pressure of depression, amxiety. Drugs help immediately. Then you can do some talk therapy. Also I have a wonderful book called : Radical Acceptance: living the heart of the Buddha.

But first get Help. GET HELP FOR THE IMMEDIATE stuff. Call a family member, friend, tell them you need help right away. You don't have to live like this anymore. GET HELP!

I am so in love with my boyfriend, he's 23 and I'm 30.

He will tell me he loves me, that he likes being with me and yet he needs to see other people and explore him options.

I guess this is typical of 23 year old men. I can't be angry with him.

I just know that you can date and date and explore your options and never find the love that we have. I knew within a week of meeting him I loved him unlike I have ever loved anyone before.

He will tell me, he doesn't know what's wrong, he can't be committed right now.

All I can do is hold him and love him and try to understand. Or give him space. It works amazingly well , he comes to me after just a couple of days of me trying to back off.

But I don't know if this will work anymore.

I am angry becuase he is letting a good, with the potential of great reationship slip away. That's where he is right now, and I need a smarter, more mature boyfriend. I also need a boyfriend that can communicate his confusion, angst, etc.. while still staying connected to me. He's acting distant, but I know he's hurting. I love him and he won't let me soothe him, hold him. I can't do anything about it and it's awful.

Whoa.

First of all, if she really loved you and wanted to be with you none of that other stuff matters. Don't do anything more for her.

Stop and see what it is you need and want. I know you want her right now , but if it comes with all that stuff you think you have to do to "win" her love Is it worth it?

I don't think any of the reasons she gave you for breaking up are true.

I think she spent 8 years with you and now wants to date other people, to see what's out there.

I would siggestion you take a month, or however long it takes and evaluate your life , from the perspective of " What will make me happy?

If being with a girl who needs you to change all that stuff about you to please her is it, then pursue her.

You deserve to be loved for who you are right now, where you are right now.

Your love for yourself has to be greater than your love for anyone else.

Take some time, calm down, evaluate what you really need to be happy, and stop trying to please someone whoo isn't interested right now.

Who knows what the future holds, deal with you first. This relationship isn't as important as your own mental/emotional health. Work on that first.

Good luck!

I love being listened to, understood. A man who seems really interested in me turns me on. Also if he is really nice to me, considerate of my feelings, etc.. If I feel like he loves me, that's the biggest turn on.