gingertea

perhaps i stated things in a different light than i meant to...this guy already has a girlfriend and pretty much the only times she hangs out with him are at calculus study sessions with another friend (girl) and when he gives her a ride out to the house, or at school...it's not like she is hanging out with him every day...she says she doesn't have any interest in him and he feels the same...i don't want to tell her she can't have male friends...but i don't want her to withhold things from me too...I know positively that she loves me and would remain faithful to me...it's just these little things that make me uncomfortable...she says she didn't tell me about him because she knew that i would feel uncomfortable about it...she knows it was a stupid reason not to tell...the lies magnify and blow out of proportion what was actually happening, and not the other way around...she says he means nothing to her like what i mean to her...she said i'm her forest, and he's just a little withered piece of grass on the sidewalk...but the lies make it seem alot worse than it actually is...hopefully i made things look more clear...i mean, i don't have enough evidence to assume something "more" is going on (besides the lack of truth) i mean, he's not hanging out at her house every night and they don't like do things like that, you know? This is just mainly a dihonest problem..out of fear of being honest...appreciate the feedback

ignoring 100% of what i hear doesn't sound like a good way of keeping the relationship together...i really want to work this out with her...and she is sick of herself for not treating me with honesty...she wants to change...although i already do pretty much ignore what she says, i think the important step to rebuilding trust in communication will require me to bring down that wall a little...any other thoughts? The important aspect to bring in is that she is not cheating on me and never would, so the situation i guess could be worse...but when your left with dihonesty, your mind races with what ifs and might be's...i know i'm doing my part with being jealous and feeling replaced...but she fuels the fire by not being straightforward...thought?

hey everyone, need a little understanding and advice here... my girlfriend and i have been together for about two years now...and in the last half a year or so, I went away to college, so were semi-long distance now...about a year ago she went on some trip in school and when she came back she treated me very different...i was on the backburner...i mean...basically she was walking around with some other guys arm around her, not mine...so this stirred me up a bit for sometime...she tells me their just friends, but it's a little too close for comfort for me...we talked it over and she felt bad for what she was doing and she told me that she would respect my boundaries a little more...since I do that for her...now...fastforward...whooosh...couple weeks ago, she tells me she's been hiding something from me, again...so she's still close friends with this guy...now, what nagged at me was the honesty factor...she broke down again and told me how horrible she felt about all those times she'd lie and say she was doing something...when she was really hanging around him...now...two days later...we're talking on the phone...and she said she's going to a friends house...and i ask if the guys going to, and she hesitantly says yes...then later in the conversation i found out that she had been in his car with him during the conversation...she wouldn't have even told me about it had i not been suspicious...this really hurts me that she continues to not clean up her act and be straightforward with me...it would have been a different story had she told me what was going on and we could talk about it...and be more content...but she acted different...she told me the reason she didn't say anything was because she was afraid of how i react...but time and time again i tell her that my reaction after the fact is probably always going to be worse...right? like if you spill something on someone's carpet, you'd want to tell that person sooner than later...waiting until it rots and molds and then telling them about it doesn't help...i'm just flustered and hurt by her unchanging ways...trying to trust her is like trying to believe that i'm gonna fly tomorrow...this situation would probably not seem bad at all without the secrets and witholding of information...but with the lies and deception, what would you think? She told me that she has never cheated on me and never will...and I believe that...but this behavior still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, makes me feel sick just thinking about it all...i guess i just wish she'd treat me with a little more respect...you know, be honest when you say you're going to be honest...it's been so long, two years of stuff like this...and to make matters worse...she's going on this trip again soon...i don't want to relive the past..if only i could have faith in her...i love her with all my heart and have always been good to her...but this behavior leaves me feeling jealous and unimportant...she says she loves me...but love is an action...and action is what she lacks...words...are what she has...but most of them fail...how do you trust a liar???

the love for her is certainly not an issue...it's more of a matter of finding a way to be vulnerable in the present and be ok with that...it's more of me trying to figure out how to leave the past,...in the past...and give her another chance...my love for her does not need any rekindling, but thank you for your advice...i appreciate it, i really do.

I do believe her...no, i did not threaten to leave...I just told her that we could not go on with all of the drama...yea, I believe her...but my mind has been conditioned to be suspicious...i feel silly about it...but after hearing the same apologies and promises for a better future over and over again, it's hard to be any other way...it's like the boy who cried wolf story...but yes, inside, I know I believe her, I probably would have already moved on from her if I didn't see so much potential for something great...

Hey everybody, I've been going through some rough times in my two year relationship...the last six months have been semi-long distance. My girlfirend has continually treated me not so kindly with her lies, deception, questionable commitment and those disappointing empty promises...when I have been good to her...but now, she's saying no more to all of this drama...This sounds good...but inside, i'm cold as stone because her words mean so little...it's like i lost any and all trust in her...and i've put up a 24-hour wall with her to keep her...and her possible unkind behavior out...I keep wanting to just throw away the last two years and not remember any of it...and start new with her right now...because now, it's something really good...I imagine if I met her now, instead of a couple years ago, things would probably run alot smoother..I really don't want another girl, because it's like she's beginning to come around...and I love her dearly...I truly do...but because of my position, I am mostly stuck with the triggers of the past and hurt and so on...like, I don't even want to look at letters she wrote me or pictures or even listen to songs that remind me of us during the last two years...because those moments, they were happy for me...until they got tainted by some secret or lie again...so they didn't turn out so happy afterall...I just don't want to go back there...so it's almost like I'd rather just throw everything away and move on...move on into now, because she says she is honest and committed to me now...I just don't know how to go about doing this...I mean, I know I'm going to have to rebuild trust with her...but how do you do that...I often can't remove the thick wall I put up to keep myself safe...and the wall also is creating jealous and insecurity problems too...I often find myself insecure or jealous with what she is (or mostly in my mind, might) be doing...it's just been a rough couple years...she was also pretty immature and fickle like a feather...and this is our first big one so we're both just learning as we go along...any thoughts on this? I would sincerely appreciate positive, optomistic feedback...sorry if it's confusing...anyone gone through a similar situation???

thank you so much for your input babylove...it means alot to me...and you have my support too!

ah, i know what you mean...thank you again for your responses! Faith in myself is something that I need to kick up a notch...one more question, if you don't mind, and this is for everyone out there as well...how do you get out of those times when your mind is just stuck in the pain of the past...? you know...even those good memories seem tainted by the bad ones that surround them...my mind just races sometimes...(well, most of the time) about things and betrayals and you know...things like that...especially after doing this for a couple years...wish i could keep the past...in the past...but it's like, i just get these reminders of bad times or whatnot, and then i fall in it...again...it sucks the life out of me...hope you can understand the mind traps that i am talking about...thanks again.

hey there babylove, thank you so much for your response...it's nice to know someone else is in a similar position...what you said about coming to terms with the lies and deception...what did you mean by accepting your part of the responsibility? I really appreciate your story and your honesty with me. I'm glad that you are on your way to a better relationship. Thank you again for your perspective.

thanks for the advice PrincessLinzay. You said some important things about giving her a chance to prove her actions. This is something I know I don't do well. But this is also something I will try working on. Setting aside the past is also a great piece of advice...for me, not easy to do, however, I do agree that it will be a necessary component to moving forward. I truly thank you alot for your insight. thank you again...

Hey everybody, thanks for taking some time to read my question and give some advice...I'm new here, but it seems like a good place to get good advice...and i need some... some background info first.... My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years now...in september of last year I left for college and am now living about an hour away from her. The distance isn't that much of a problem, we usually see each other once or twice a week so it's ok. She is in her last year of high school and this relationship has been...well, an experiment to say the least...she has been my first everything and I have been hers pretty much...now, here comes the thing... I have always been honest and straightforward with her, entirely commited to our relationship and happiness together...she, on the other hand has been pretty immature in her honesty...she has betrayed me and been dishonest pretty much the whole time...some times about big things...but mostly just about little things...anyways...i have a hard time letting go of past hurts that she causes with her lies and so on...especially with the distance between us... After some recent hard times, on the verge of breaking up again, we decided we had to many things going to just throw it all away, so we're trying to work through some things together...she told me she is going to be honest and committed to me from now on, and she is really convincing too, it's just...like the boy who cries wolf story, in that i've heard it all before...and how do i get over the practically 2 years of past and live with no strings attached to her now? I really want to believe her...i just feel like anytime i get close to trusting her again, it somehow breaks...she loves me and i love her...and although i may be making our relationship seem like a very bad thing, it really is something very special to both of us...and also very good! Just a few wrinkles here and there...she is willing to do anything to make me feel secure in her words...to me, her words mean little since they change so often...and because of this, i have built myself a wall in front of her...maybe so i don't get hurt again...maybe a fear of being vulnerable again...being hurt again and again...she says no more...she says she wants a sincere, honest. open communicative realtionship with me...and it all sounds really good...but how can i let down my guard for her...i have become insecure with her because of her dishonesty...you know...the whole "well, if you're not honest and lie to me about this...then you probably do about this too!" kind of thing...it's silly and stupid, i know, but i have become jealous because of this lack of honesty...i really feel in my heart that she means business now...but my mind just keeps playing the same old movies over and over again...help! so sorry about the long post...i should've kept it to a sentence....but it just didn't seem possible...i don't think i mentioned enough, so if you have any questions please let me know...just want to say that i'm looking for suggestions to stay together with her, not to break up...because this really could be something out of this world...thank you all for any advice you have, and have a great day!