Eyre

Ah...but that cuts to the heart of many a conversation. What exactly is the point of dating in the first place? For some it is to have fun. To others it is to latch on (aka not be alone). And then there are the expected levels of future committment considered by all in involved (sex, living together, marriage, and in what order...). While I prefer to find out if I can stand an individual as a person first, I acknowledge that that isn't everyone's method of choice. And there is certainly nothing wrong with that choice. I would be the last to say that. I have experienced the talk where a friend (now happily seeing someone) made a comment about how much he had always liked me. My response that if he had ever asked me out I would have said yes didn't go over too well, despite the fact that he was perfectly happy with his girlfriend. And sometimes it just works out that way (or doesn't, as the case may be). I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. I will spare you the platitudes...I'm sure that you've heard them before. (and they never make me feel better anyway.)

I wouldn't exactly call it ok, but this news flash might explain your feeling the "butterflies" and assorted feelings of crush about someone other than your significant other. If you sincerely care about your current interest then you should not dwell on the ones that are drawing your interest away from where you really mean for it to be.

If he really wanted to be finished with her..he already would be. Don't hang your hopes on him. If you have to keep the relationship you have secret, why is that? Because you know that honestly it isn't something you are proud of. And this life that he is offering...what kind of life is that? Can he support you? Does he have a job (one that makes more than minimum wage?)? You need to consider that though you have these feelings for him that he may just be enjoying the fact that he can have you and his other girl too. If you were truly important to him you would be his only girl. You DESERVE NOTHING LESS!

Also could be that she wasn't sure. Honestly guys, how many of you ALWAYS know what your emotions are telling you. I've said before that I didn't want to date, and in truth I was just unsure as to whether or not I'd be just wasting my time with someone for who I didn't feel seriously about. I never want to date the guys who ask me out, because I don't know them and really don't want to spend months or years with them becoming attached emotionally and then discover that the guy is seriously incompatable with my likes/morals/goals. I've seen it happen more times that I can count with my friends. The best relationships I've seen started out as friendships and blossomed into more...not started out as dating.

And sometimes it seems to get better and then BAM it gets worse. Things will get better. You will hurt less, and enjoy more. If you hit a set back know that even that will pass. (Please lLet's cross our fingers together that it is true, I myself am counting on it.) My ex was so enthusiastic about how much he loved me, and less than 7 months after we broke up he has found a new love and not only had a serious relationship but gotten engaged and set a wedding date. I wish I hadn't asked him how things were going...hearing about the new girlfriend was bad enough.

And to rub salt in the wound... He just got engaged. Guess I'm a really good liar, because he told me and seemed so excited and just kept telling me about how wonderful and kitmet it all was. And I couldn't think of anything to say but how "happy" I was for him, when I really just wanted to cry. We broke up in May, he started seeing her not too long before Thanksgiving, it is now January and the wedding is set for July. And I haven't been on a single date since I moved, because the only guy I think about is him.

My relationships have consisted of "the guy who yelled at me." Hence the end of that relationship... The guy that was insulted by my unsure response to serious dating (I hadn't realized that we were dating...So what, I was a clueless 18 year old)... and hence stopped speaking to me. The guy that I saw right after my mother died and I was in a serious depression and our mutual friends (my roommates) decided I literally wasn't fun a month before the lease ran out and they decided that I had to find a new place to live. You can imagine my trust issues at the time. I haven't been in a lot of relationships. That is because I have been busy, and choosy. Generally by the time I got to know someone well enough to want to go out with them I knew them too well to go out with them. I always see the things that I can't live with. And opening up and sharing my feelings (and thoughts) is very difficult. And I don't feel like I know how to recognize love as compared to say...lust or my desire to stop being single. I want a committment. I want someone who I respect and love and can marry and have babies with...and now I am in the situation where I am stuck in school for 3 more years and then I have a committment to the military b/c they are paying for school and will I be able to find someone to follow me where I must go. But everyone I know has such high expectations for me but I am afraid that I will end up like friends who are with over-aggressive, demanding, or end up just plain crazy men after years of committment from them and they end up heart-broken.

Hey, did I write this and not remember?? While I can't really give advice...because it seems like I'd be talking to myself sometimes you have to just pretend. Pretend that you are one of those people who can talk to people. I come accross as someone that can talk to others because I try very hard to remember that people can't read my thoughts. Some people really feel the way you describe (carefree) but I've found out that many people have a hard time opening up. Just don't give up. Keep trying. Talk about the weather, or a movie, or that you just like someone's hair or shoes or jacket. It may seem cheesy (I feel like a flake all the time) but it may be just the opening you need to strike up a conversation. And if you think you are saying too much. Think about what you are going to say, and then don't say half of it. It is a place to start.

Sad to say.. this is the most serious relationship I've ever had. I made a huge leap for myself allowing myself to open up this much. I just don't trust easily. I know what went wrong. I was half of the relationship. I was open at the beginning that I run. Every time. Never fail. And he didn't even argue with me when I said that I didn't think I was up to a long distance relationship. I didn't see (again) that I was running. But I was. And he didn't even try to stop me. He just looked at me with tears in his eyes and said he understood. I feel like I'm not worth fighting for.

Don't get me wrong about friendship. You can be both. And remember that she may not call. I can't stand calling. Phones suck. You lack that integral component to communication...eye contact and body language. And how much passion are you expecting? A good night kiss or a sleepover? It seems that you two have just begun so don't rush...if she is the conservative girl you paint her to be you will just push her away. Try a sappy movie and start by holding her hand. I realize that is old fashioned, but if she snuggles beneath your arm or doesn't pull away from a little hand holding you will have the answer on if she likes you as a man or just a friend. I got my last boyfriend's attention by poking him. Literrally poking him in the side (just little jabs when he wasn't looking) until he grabbed my hand. You should have seen his face when I didn't pull away. Not that subtle (and a little childish I admit), but a lot safer for my ego (and heart) than just cornering him and kissing him. Lucky for me, he didn't let go either.

I am in the same situation as many. I admit it. And it is all my own fault. I broke up with my ex (the first really serious guy in my life) and I miss him more than ever. I admit he drove me crazy. He was goofier than I can explain, he spent more time gaming than with me, and had (still has) no plans or goals for the future. At 19 that's fine but at 27 it is starting to get old. I have always been goal oriented (you can always change your goal, but you'll seldom get anywhere if you aren't moving), and I was just starting professional school in another city 3 hours away. (It didn't help that my dad whose advice I value very much thought he was a complete slacker. After we broke up he said he couldn't understand why I was with him in the first place.) I thought that I didn't love him...I have always been the one to run away from a relationship, but I never felt like this. Dispite his faults (not that I am flawless) he is a really nice guy, dedicated to his friends and family (I loved them too and the were so great to me). We have remained friends (chalk another one up to him). Every day I miss him more. We never talked (major relationship flaw) and after I broke up with him I went home and cried for hours. School has been going well, but I miss seeing him. We talk on the phone and I have had to lie to him so many times about how I felt because I was unsure and couldn't stand the thought of hurting him again. I remember the first time he mentioned moving on a few months ago when he asked me if I "thought he was ready to date again." I said I couldn't speak for him but that I knew that I wasn't. Recently he has started to see someone and I hate the thought of him with someone else. He said he loved me, and it terrified me...but now that it seems he doesn't anymore I hurt even more. I don't know if I miss him or the thought of him. I never had a huge problem with being alone, but as I look at the people around me dating, engaged, married...I don't know if I miss him or miss not being single. I suppose my main query is that I am doing the right thing by keeping my feelings to myself about this right? I should bite my tongue and let him move on. Right?

I'm not saying to stay, but that "free and single" life isn't that great. Yes it is fun to go out with people, but the goal of dating is to meet someone you can care about. Someone who you trust and love and get along with. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I was moving to start school and at the time he was the more devastated.... Yet as every day has past I miss him more. But it has been long enough now that he has started seeing a new girl. I all of the reasons I used for breaking up are still there...but I miss him anyway. Because we have stayed friends I have to lie to him every time I talk to him and say that I'm glad that he is happy. I am...but it hurts that he has found it easier to move on than I have. I've had opportunities to see other guys, and thought it was what I wanted, but it seems that yet again on matters of my own heart...I was the clueless one. Don't let this keep you from leaving if you really feel that is what you need to do, but sometimes relationships end anyway, consider that sometimes it is better to let a relationship end on its own terms and not early just because you have a few doubts about where it may end up. You may lose a great relationship by worrying so much about where things will end up...consider enjoing the ride while it is still good.

I second the communication issue. But don't push too hard or take offense if she doens't know what she wants. I have missed out on several relationships with people I have truly cared about because I was so afraid of getting hurt that I couldn't think far enough ahead to suit the guy I was seeing. And I'm in professional school and have watched more of my friends navigate successful relationships than I really want to count.

If you want her to open up you have to give her some time. Often what a girl wants in this type of situation is a chance to really get to know you before she starts to really open up her heart to you. Do you trust someone you have known only a little while the same way you trust your best friend?? Keep in mind that you shouldn't be trying to change her (she may not be a night owl) and that her choosing to go home each night is her way of letting you know some of who she is. Try spending time with her in an informal settting as well. Just hang out and have coffee...rent a movie if you want some alone time...or tell her that you want to hang out even if she has to study (find something quiet to do like read something...) that way she knows that you want to be around her even when she isn't entertaining you (and vice versa). You could also try making plans earlier in the day. Also go to the zoo or a museum...or to some sporting event where you can spend time together. Do not make her feel cornered. Even if she really likes you she may think you are going too fast and choose to stop seeing you. It can be really hard for a girl to navigate her way through this early time in a relationship. If she is anything like me or my girlfriends then she also wants to be friends with her boyfriend...not just some girl he is "seeing" who he may get tired of and ditch just as she is getting emotionally involved.