Sindy_0311

I think if OP has such desires she could get herself some regulars/casual relationships to fulfill her needs and still go on dates with serious prospects…

Same for me. I have a hard time waiting for intimacy. But people in this forum made me understand it was a mistake sleeping with guys after 2 or 3 dates. i guess you can only read a man’s interest in his willingness to see you and arrange dates. I don’t mean by that Netflix and chill, I mean going out, restaurant, movies, activities. What he says to you doesn’t matter at all. OMG I have heard so much of crap in the last two years by guys that weren’t really into me. Even guys coming back after two months, double/triple texting to see me, and when they got what they want, silence again. yesterday a young Italian I was dating last sommer for some month texted me out of the blue for the second time. Fist time I told him I was not interested, he reached out again yesterday and asked for a drink together. I told him no thanks and blocked him. He is 25, I’m 40, i imagine he just wanted a hock up, so he scrolled through his contact list and texted me… In the last 5 months, 8 guys I met last year did the same. They just reappeared without any plan or consistency…. They just do that. This usually happens with guys you meet online. They have dozens of female contact and plenty of options. That’s why it’s so hard to achieve in online dating. Maybe time to meet guys in real life after all… 🤷‍♀️

Yeah well, I think that’s the answer. might be to soon. You should wait a bit more, around 6 or 8 dates at least. Try to build connection with the guys before intercourse. guys usually lose interest fast after sex if there was no real connection build before that…

My first reaction would be to say that it’s common. As I’m going through a lot of dating lately… may I ask when or if you sleep with these guys? Because often it has to do with this..

Where does the guy come from? And where do you live?

Maybe you don’t want to answer to protect him, also I asked whether he asked to marry you and your answer was unclear. These important questions would help understand his motivations. See, I have been dating a young albanian guy last year, he came in Switzerland without visa and struggled to find work. In the beginning he was all sweet, didn’t speak my language so we would speak English together. He would come strong and tell me anything a woman wants to hear. After a few weeks, when I already developed feelings for him, he asked me for money. He said he didn’t have and was stressed out. I said I would never give him money and that he shouldn’t ask me again. He said ok, sorry. (I should have blocked him but hey he was so sweet..,) than a few weeks later he tried again. That’s were I blocked him for real After that I wanted to understand what are these guys motivation and how they proceed. As I had some time on my hands I started some conversations with guy from eastern countries (Albania, Serbia, Macedonia….) They would all be charming and so intense. I remember, one guy from Serbia, after a few days of conversation asked if he could come to Switzerland and meet me. I said sure, come during the weekend. And he replied, no I want to stay and live with you, I want to marry you. I asked him, how can you marry me if you don’t love me? He said: if I marry you, I will learn to love you. (love doesn’t matter to him as long as he gets a visa or a better situation… ) I’m not a fan of generalization, but there is a pattern you can easily recognize. Guys would be all sweet and charming in the beginning, they would make you fall in love. They would say they want to work, to provide. But they don’t. Or if they work, they do for some month, and then rely on someone else to pay for them. They would go out a lot, for some errands or to hang out with their buddies. Because they don’t fell like spending time with youat home. But hey, that’s just the beginning. In the best case, you will end up married to a lazy guy, cheating on you and wasting all your money and energy. In worst case, he will marry you, start treating you like sh****, and you won’t be able to get divorce because somehow, he will be intelligent enough to find a way to make you stay and waste your life. See, my best friend is in a bad situation. She’s also swiss (half Macedonian) She married a Macedonian guy when she was 20. He was so perfect for her, we all liked him sop much! They got two kids and after 10 years living together in Switzerland, having earnt enough money, buying some appartements he decided, out of the blue to go back live in Macedonia. She had no choice but to go with him. And now, there she is, married to an awful guy, violent, disrespectful, alone in Macedonia, away from her family and friends. She can’t go away because she can’t leave her children, she’s waiting for their majority to leave. She is depressed, gained much of weight and lost all her self-confidence. Your story makes me feel bad, because of what my friend is going through now. I think you should start seeing him for what he is, a manipulative guy who seduced you for his own benefits. He obviously doesn’t love you and never will. Are you willing to accept that??

May I ask what nationality is your partner?

Of course it was for the visa... I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Did he ever asked to marry you? This is the easy way for a guy to get a visa in Europe. Don’t know it is in your country… I just went the whole thread and for me, this is 100% a guy tacking advantage of you. I can’t find any proof of love from his part. Sorry… You’d better ask him to go away without any “serious discussion”. Only discussion you should have with him now is about the baby…

Ok. I was just curious, because if really 2 years… that would mean we are not that well treated here…

OMG In Switzerland you only have 3month paid 80%. Also, I always found it was unfair that the father couldn’t have the same opportunity to stay with the kid. Meaning, why should I as a woman stay with the kid if I’m not even breastfeeding him? It’s a nonsense and there is no equality in there.

Me neither maybe because it was my wish to divorce. he stayed in the apartment, i searched for one. it was conveyed that we had to share half all our furniture and its basically the only thing we cut half. no kitchen ware, no household tools, no bed linen, nothing. but for me it was ok as i wanted to start a minimal lifestyle. i came in my apartment with only minimal stuff. and now i enjoy this lifestyle so much that i struggle buying anything new. (except for my wardrobe) still, during our marriage he was the one buying new cars (3 in 10 years) buying an expensive barista coffee machine or any other expensive stuff. I remember, once he bought me a 380$ tiny coat, i told him that was to expensive and asked him to bring it back to the store.

I totally agree. I would always pay 50/50 having the same income. And when I got the baby, I had part time job during two years so I couldn’t afford paying 50% But at the end of our marriage, we had same income, we usually took all my salary to pay the bills and I had a card to take from his account whenever I wanted, it was like a shared account. i didn’t like it at all because he used to ask me where the money was spent… Another issue when I came back to my full time job after having the kid is that my ex husband didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to be in charge of the household task alone anymore. It should be 50/50 for the money, but also for the tasks, men sometimes forget about that. So now I’m divorced, i pay the same all alone, it’s not easy but at least I don’t have to make my husbands laundry, diner, cleaning etc… alleluia

He is young and is not done playing the fields… he has a strong desire to know more women before getting a serious relationship. Let him have his experiences, let him go.

Yeah i did, im sorry this happened to him. And I hope he is ok. but what does it have to do with what I said about FWB relationships? are you supposed to take care of him because you are his FWB?

Because you are so attractive that no man can resist you? These guys are not your friends then… I think there is no such thing as FWB. Maybe I’m the only one but I never understood this concept. I’m either in a casual relationship with someone, meaning we sleep together from times to times, chat a bit before and after, know little about each other and that’s it. It’s clear for both of us that we are not friends, we only hangout with each other because we enjoy the intercourse. Or I’m dating someone, learning to know that person and see if there is potential for something serious If he is your friend why would you even sleep with him? This is not a casual relationship you are having. It’s been way too long and to many boundaries crossed yet. You better stop it now before one of you develops feelings. (If not done yet)

Completely agree. But to that, I would add, reach out one last time. make it clear that you are moving on because you have feelings for her and are no longer willing to entertain this “friendship”. So she nows where you stand and in case she really has feelings for you she can take action on it. Also if you tell her that instead of just disappearing you will have it clear. And won’t regret or wonder the “what if I just told her once again… “

None of these things are any of your business. You are not her friend. You love her. She shouldn’t be telling you all this. If she’s not ready to divorce to be with you, she better not string you along. It’s not healthy and it doesn’t help you move on. I suggest you take your distance from now on. You tell her you aren’t supposed to hear about her married couple and that you prefer stop communication as it doesn’t help you it any way.

Saying to someone you would treat me good and we would make a great couple doesn’t necessarily means you love them. Now if she explicitly said “I love you” (and not as a friend) what is keeping from making a move?

You have been thinking about this woman for so long, never knowing exactly where she stands. Did she already tell you she doesn’t view you like you do? Did she made clear she doesn’t want anything more than friendship? If not, I would address the situation. Otherwise you will always have this doubt in your mind and won’t be able to fully appreciate someone else. In this case it’s better to have a discussion that would help you move on. I also have to mention that many men and women get married for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to make presumptions about her marriage but is it possible she wasn’t that in love with her husband when they got married? I’ve know friends loving each other for years, getting married with other people only to find out years later that they both were in love with each other. These things happens, and in fact they often do. I suggest you have a discussion with her. It’s time you get clarity.

She’s right Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings This is how you titled this feed. Feelings don’t go away. Believe me, been there, done that. There’s no way you can handle it casually. My best advice is RUN AWAY. You pretend your needs are being met, but they are not because you like him. Otherwise you wouldn’t leave him have access to you. He is just using you in his convenience. Someday, someone told me something very true: “these guys, taking advantage of you, are just treating you like a free hocker. If they want sex without commitment, let them go pay for it”. Just a opinion, also mine…

I kinda agree with you. In my opinion he showed you some “signals”, maybe he had some kind of interest, but that’s it. It never went further, so just forget about it for now.

Sometimes it’s just no meant to be… You are a smart woman and someday your mister right will come into your life and you will never doubt about his intentions! I wish you the best!

A month of silence is way to much if you have some interest. He could have reached out just to check on you from times to times until you would be able to go for the coffee… he was not pushy at all, I was just off. IMHO

I think mixed signals are very subjective. It depends on how much you like someone, you start to read everything like a signal, that’s what OP is confused about. The hand, the compliments, and the coffee suggestion can easily be interpreted as signals from his part. That is what I was referring to.

Think about what would have happened if you actually had that coffee with him… are you sure that it would have led to something? Maybe you would be at the exact same point, wondering about his interest towards you. As everyone says, when you have to wonder about it, it means there is no interest. That simple. But I know it’s not easy because people sometimes send mixed messages without real intentions.