Sindy_0311

I already went through many therapies and currently am. I regained self esteem, at least enough to feel good about myself most of the time. But I guess my childhood made me develop these unhealthy behaviors. The journey will be difficult, but will be good 😊

Exactly. Obsession begins when guys show some resistance or inconsistency. In fact the only guys driving me crazy were the players. The ones that showed much of interest were the ones I rejected. I guess my mantra was “you want what you can’t have” hence also the reason why I developed this obsession with the Italian. Would he have been consistant, all in, I would have lost interest very fast. It’s so unhealthy… but it’s how it is…

Well I wouldn’t say it’s a “hobby”. I already knew I had anxious attachment caused by childhood traumas. And it’s not something I enjoy, believe me. My attachment injuries do affect me in many ways. It’s appears to be more serious than I toughly. And I’m so grateful to @rainbowsandroses to have pointed it out. I will take it seriously and start my journey to healing.

By meeting someone else and transferring the obsession 😂

I think I’m going to work on that. Trying to understand where this disfunction comes from. Because it’s true I display every symptoms of a love addict. From extreme infatuation, to controlling, stalking, doing stupid things, to obsess about these guys and loose sight of anything else going on in my life, having a hard time to concentrate, sleep or even function normally on a daily routine. I think it all has to do with this addiction. About my ex husband. I did know him for one year when we decided to move in together, but I never developed those deep feelings for him. In fact I developed a obsession over someone else while we were married, but nothing ever happened. I have been obsessing over this guy for about 2 years. This fantasy kept me “alive” for 2 years. And when it fell down, I decided to divorce to give me a chance to find “true love” which apparently is not.

OMG, this is so relevant. 🙏🙏

yes, clearly... you are right. In fact yes because I usually get bored pretty fast... Also have to mention that except once, I never have been left by a guy. Was always me breaking up because I was beginning to get bored and started to dislike to many things about them. Usually it happens like a sudden twist after one year or so, from one day to another, its dead. and It's scary... Would that be the case if I found the right one? Maybe it was just a sign of me never really finding my mister right? I don't know... What do you mean exactly?

Hi Andrina, Yes in fact I've already decided to change that and give myself more time to discover guys. I will try at least 5 or 6 dates to begin with... and will go on shorter dates, won't invite guys over and will keep texting and calls between dates at minimum... Also will try not show too many signs of interest in the beginning... what else can I implement?

Of course not. I'm not necessarily looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with or start a family with ( I already had that). I'm looking for someone to build a serious and committed relationship, share deep connection and spend time together. be it for one year, 3 years or more, I don't have any expectations. I explained once that I don't want someone to live with, I don't want no more kids, I just want a partner.

As I said, the intercourse wasn't that great. I experienced better connections on that level with guys I was dating only casually. I think the fantasy off what it would be like to have sex with him, would make it even harder to move on... Don't you remember the huge crush I had last year on my coworker during more than 3 month? we never kissed or do anything... but I couldn't help fantasize over him. Made it even worse...

What I wrote above is not relevant to a brake up or a longterm relationship, It's more about what to do to stop obsessing over someone. More likely when you have a crush on someone and that you know it won't lead anywhere... I'm surprised you seem to never have experienced those feelings. I mean I have at least one to two crushes a year. its just who I am, I'm a lover by nature, passionate. Might be because of my astrological sign. I do know of people who never sensed those feelings, and I find it hard to conceive. I have always been like that. Hence also the reason why I divorced because I wanted to fall in love again and experience those deep feelings again. Its weird because now I feel like a special case... Am I the only one being overly passionate? No matter whether 3 month, 2 days, 2 weeks, if the feelings, the infatuation, is intense enough, you just can't let it go that fast and pretend they aren't there. I remember first night when I came home from the first meet, I closed the door and stayed standing against the wall for a moment thinking how amazing this date went... since that moment I already felt something for him and couldn't stop thinking of him. Sure now I know it was the fantasy of him, but the feelings were here and they were real. So I guess its just the loss of theses feelings that I struggle with.

GOOGLE: "We become obsessed with certain people because we have fundamental neural systems that drive us into a state of infatuation, and these can be over-activated at times in our lives when we are vulnerable to the romantic potential of a person who matches our subconscious template of a desirable mate." How to get rid of limerence/obsession: 4 strategies: 1 - No contact (blocking etc....) 2 - Psychological deprogramming (finding flaws - him looking like a rat, being broke, a player, a bad person...) 3- Transference (date someone else, unleash limerence on someone better) 4- Disclosure (last option - address your feelings to the person and in the best case be fully rejected) I'm at stage 2...

I meant help me move on in the sense of asserting my gut feeling that he was a player. You know, with my friend we talk a lot about our dating lives... and she didn't believe he was actually a player.. But would that be a reason to report him on this dating app?

She just tried to gather informations to help me move one...

Just had an interesting call with my girlfriend. She has a profile on that dating app too, she engaged a conversation with him yesterday night, after we have been talking about this case. He essentially told her that he has been single for 6 months, that he didn’t meet any women from the app yet, that he has been completely alone for 6 months as he didn’t find anyone interesting to meet. He also said that he is owner of a food truck company and makes money investments working from home. Also said that he won’t be able to take any day off until august/September… I told her to disengage/block ...enough informations...

I didn't say I don't want to date an unemployed men... What I said is I don't want to date a broke man who isn't taking responsibility for his situation and victimizing himself. Why in hell would you tell a woman you saw 3 times that you made poor silly investment and that you have debts coming from all parts if not to gain her pity or to get a quick exit? I mean in the past I never talked about my financial struggles with men I was dating, was not relevant because I knew I had it under control and there was not enough trust established to talk about my struggles as to talk about my past traumas or opening up to them to deeply. I don't care if they are unemployed, I do care if them being broke is the result of poor judgment or lack of responsibility... Theres another problem with dating a broke man. You will never know whether he chose you because he had no better option... I had a 4 month relationship last year after my divorce with a really really broke man. He was perfect in any other way, was kind, gentle, loving, we had a very meaningful relationship, But at some point I asked myself If he was with me because he didn't have many other options... that made me reconsider it all....

I don't see anything genuine in his behavior. Why would he have just said I don't feel like pursuing with you or Ive changed my mind or I'm not ready rather than telling all his BS. (I know people don't do that, the usually ghost... which makes its easier to understand you have to deal with a bad person, already happened to me more than once... ) Telling me he had money issues was IMO a way to victimize himself and make me more indulgent towards him in case he would reach out for more sex someday. I also noticed he didn't block me which is strange because he told me once when its over, I just block and don't want to hear of them again... (which he kinda did with his ex) A gigolo, you mean a young guy courting women for money?? Now that I see clearer about him, I think he rather be narcissistic person. I remember the post he made on his Food truck Facebook page that is now managed by someone else. He said something like: "new cook(manager) is not at my level, he does many mistakes but let him time to learn". Why would he say something like that if not for his own validation need... He also used to talk a lot about his neighbor, with whom he spends most of his time. he said well he enjoys me so I let him come visit me not that he showed much respect for him. Also he would brag about how everybody knew him and liked him so much when he was still working in his food truck. Him being a narcissist and a liar (IMO), I'm lucky it didn't went further or I would maybe have ended up in a toxic and abusive relationship... The difference here is he lied about his real situation and told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted... he didn't lose interest, his level of interest was low from the beginning IMO.

Now I'm just waiting for a new topic about lovebombing so I can jump on it explaining my recent experience. That's so great!!

Well, In fact I have just been reading some articles about lovebombing.... and it looks like I have been unfortunate victim of it. You were right. I guess he is just some kind of narcissist bad person. He needs validation from women because he feels so ***ty about himself. Hence the fact he lied about his real financial situation and made me believe he had money. (firs time we talked he explained how he has a food truck company, how he invests his money... etc... was all BS.) No reason not to block him... already done. I'm glad I met him because I learnt something new and now I know what lovebombing looks like (never happened to me before... ) The article also said that Is not the victims fault, nothing wrong with me apparently. But I will definitely change how I date, take more time to know guys (also sexually speaking). Head High, lesson learnt... 😊

This inconsistent opinion is just me being slowly changing my mind about him... Will make it easier for me to block him and move on. Its also the reason why I needed your perspective on this guy and his intentions, to help me make the decision and see him for who he really is after his lovebombing and blinding BS. But I have to confess I really hesitated to post this thread because I feel silly about this and I already had in mind the majority of what you all would say about it. But you also pointed out many interesting aspects I didn't thought about... so thank you for that!

At some point I guess it is affecting my decision. I don't understand either... Maybe just to make sure I didn't get played just for sex, money or whatever and that there was something more in the begining or at least genuine interest from his part. You know that feeling when you date people, that you FINALLY find someone interesting you are attracted to, it doesn't go further and you start asking yourself what's wrong with me and feel a bit ***ty... and just have to start again and again and again with theses deceptions that with time will make you even more bitter and lonely and dramatic etc... ahhhhhh LOL

I see. I think he doesn't look very hard either... it's been almost 6 month he doesn't work. he had social income, and now applied to get unemployed allowance. In Switzerland, they give during two years... so he might just scratch his balls for the next 2 years and go back to social again.

He doesn't work hence he was with his daughter most of the time. and when he used to send me pictures or make video calls he was always with his daughter, I could hear her call him... I think his daughter is not the main issue with this guy.

Haha that was so funny, because he does look like a rat... (made me laugh) I don't know whether he would have asked for money, because he never did and I didn't sense he was going to... he just said he couldn't afford to come see me three times a week. But he has been hiding it from me. because he paid for dates, one day he sent me a pictures of shoes he was about to buy, he send me a photo of him eating a pizza at restaurant. Now that I remember, when he sent me the picture of shoes, he said "I was just going out to buy coffee, I'm dangerous when I go to the stores". Makes me think he has a poor money management. I also suspect he went bankrupt with his food truck because on his food truck facebook page he posted a farewell text explaining he didn't make it... Might also be the reason why it went wrong with his ex, because he messed it all and because he is a totally irresponsible man.

in fact I said he blocked her on WhatsApp and social media, they still talk through usual texts or phone calls, because he has part time custody of his daughter > not the issue there.