Sindy_0311

I think I'm more attractive now that i'm 40 than in my 20s because I have more experience, sexually speaking. Right after my divorce I used to date men between 25 and 35 years old (in fact they were all younger than me). Three of them weren't looking for a fertile woman as they didn't want kids, they just wanted to meet an attractive woman, who is taking care of her herself, had a great body, beautiful face, and was interesting to talk to... They would sometimes say how sex is better with older women because they have more libido and perfectly know how to please men. Some men also look for older women because they like how they treat them and "nurture" them... I'm 40 and really I don't have any difficulty finding someone to date, even casually. I have plenty of OLD matches with men between 25 and 45. I think It all stems on how you present yourself, if you have a great body, if you take care of your skin, have a sense of style and a young attitude. Marylyn Monroe was an Icon partly because she was looking and behaving like a little girl, so innocent and playful. You can be 40 and still be present on the market because of your young heart and the way you take care of yourself. For the notice, Dicaprio never got married with one of his young women, is it because as some point they are boring? 😆

I think it’s not fair to make her believe he was just busy. She opened a door, began a conversation and invited him. he declined and closed the conversation: Not interested (at least for now) Pretending that he might be busy is dangerous because it can trigger the “what if”s and make OP second guess her move: wasn’t it upfront enough, is he really busy, didn’t he get the hint etc etc and lead her to chase a man that is not interested. She tried, he declined. Conversation died. End of story.

This is exactly how I want to approach things from now on and I will adopt your philosophy. This speaks a lot to me! Thank you 🙏

I had a chat today about the topic with one of my girlfriends who is also dating and I came to that conclusion : I think we should date casually with the hope that someday we will click with someone and want to deepen the relationship. I do no longer want to meet men and tell that I’m looking for something serious. It doesn’t lead anywhere and just gives an open door for the lovebombers and guys who have bad intentions… if a guy I’m “casually” dating actually likes me and that we both catch feelings for each other, than I don’t see a reason why not making it official and get into a serious relationship.

This is exactly like the flowers… LOL I hate it when a men gives me his phone number and indirectly asks me to take action and make the first call. I want a men to ask for my number and actually call ME. See I don’t expect a man to show me grand gestures or invite in fancy restaurants or spend money on me. But one thing he has to do : is be proactive. He has to take initiative for me to respect him and appreciate him. I want a man to lead and to invite me in the dance… it might sound old fashioned, but this is how it works for me. To clarify, I didn’t lose interest in my ex-husband, I just didn’t have enough to begin with. But his courting made me think that maybe he was my best option, the most secure one… and I didn’t take the time to really think about our relationship until the day I got pregnant, I told him that for me it was a bit to soon. He told me, if you abort, I’ll leave you. So we got our son and lived happily ever after. I was so young a and naive back then.

It was something else. I decided to divorce because I realized we were not compatible and that I never really loved him. He came so strong in the beginning that he didn't allow me to make my own opinion about him and our relationship. I could have left earlier but we had our son, and I wanted to be sure to make the right decision and handle things the best way for everyone.

Recently I read a book about the evolution of masculinity through centuries. And there something interesting the author wrote I wanted to share here (in regards to the biological apect of the discussion) Genetically, based on chromosomes, women are XX and men are XY. She said that men don’t have their own genetical identity. They have half women chromosomes in their chart. While women are 100% women… just a little thing that I find interesting.

Actually I saw a documentary about prehistoric women and its seems that the roles were not that black and white back then. They found cave paintings representing women hunting and participating in providing for the community in various ways. So I think its a misconception that women were only waiting for men to bring the food and protect them and the children. the same goes with animals: lionesses do hunt. I think it's not biologically written that men are the hunters. Its the society that decided it...

This is such an interesting topic. I am just catching up, and I think you were all digging deep yet. So I’m just going to share my experience. A few weeks ago I had a first date/meet with a guy I met online (the one who seemed a bit controlling through text for those who remember) He came at the date, very well dressed (he told me he had been thinking about his outfit for a few days) he was smelling good, I guess he went to the barber, he bought me a red rose, and he offered to pay for diner. During the evening he was talking about his achievements, his company, his values, how he is a good father and a provider. He said that he bought an apartment for his retirement, he said that he is monogamous open for a serious relationship, etc… It was all "good" on paper. The guy wanted to make a good impression on me. Problem is that we live in 2024, and I truly think women don’t choose men for their achievements, their money, or their masculinity (aka their courting) In fact, when a man tries to impress me, it repulses me. I only see a giant red flag. Him showing so much effort must be hiding something, and I can’t even believe a word he says. He must be trying to lovebomb for whatever goal he has in mind (sex or control) To me a man courting (buying flowers, over texting, overcomplimenting, paying for everthing) is suspicious. I’d rather spend time with someone who takes care of me, asks me what I want to do, tries to genuinely know me and deepen the connection we both have. I hate receiving flowers early stage. It reminds of the day I saw a young guy coming out of a florist with a big bouquet in his hand, wearing it nonchalantly trying to hide it, like if he felt shame for buying flowers. I remember the feeling I got, I thought to myself, poor guy is going out of his way to do something he doesn’t feel ok doing. Also remember that day in the street I was watching at a girl who seemed to be anxiously waiting for someone. Then came a young guy, and they introduced themselves, so I assumed it was a first meet. The guy gave her a bar of chocolate he took out of his jacket and told her, “I’m sorry this is the only thing I had to give to you”. I found this so cute but yet embarrassing, it made me smile. I think young guys try hard to make a good impression on women but somehow the forgot how to do it. Or don’t even know. No one told them how to. Just to say that I think men in general feel embarrassed when they display signs of strong interest, its not coming out naturally, somehow they are overdoing and it feels wrong. Looking back on my marriage. When I met my ex-husband for the first time he invited me out for a drink. I remember how he would just tell me about his life, his funny nights out with his buddies, the stupid things he did when they were drunk, he was just telling me his stories, laughing at his jokes and not really ask me anything. I was here just listening to him. Later that night we had sex and a few weeks later he came to live with me in my appartement. At that time, he didn’t have a place to stay and was just arriving in my country. We ended up in a 10 year long relationship and had our son. He courted me a lot in early stage, showing a strong interest and making me his right away. Would I experience such a first date NOW, no way I would go on a second one with him, he was just a giant red flag I didn’t even see. My standards and expectations sharpened through time and experiences. Courting is not enough. A man must be in a healthy place, have his stuff together, be emotionally available, willing to spend quality time with me and have good communications skills. I don’t care if he buys flowers or brags about his achievements or offers a helicopter ride or wants to tie me down from the jump. I just want deep connection and a partnership. I think women nowadays want that and men don’t get it. I don’t want a man to court me, but I do let him do the work. Like asking me out, reaching out, calling etc… I don’t think we, women, have to do a single thing outside of being receptive and grateful for the efforts and reciprocate. BUT I have been criticized for being too passive and not reaching out in my last relationships… So I wonder whether we are just in the middle of a shift, where women are about to take control of the dating dynamic. Maybe in 10/20 years from now, women courting men will be the new rule. But one thing for sure, there’s a lot of misunderstanding between men and women, that’s why I think it’s important to make it clear from the beginning what are our expectations regarding to the relationship and its dynamic. Me, when I meet someone online or for the first time, I always say something like: “for me a successful relationship is a partnership. I want to find true connection, open and consistent communication and spend quality time together. This is my love language.” If a man wants to court me, he then knows how to do it. (Don't you dare buying me flowers.... 😁)

Last year I decided to give myself 3 month to reframe. Which I did well until last day of the year 2023. Then came january, met someone, hanged out with him until mid-February. It didn’t work out. I had my little accident also in February, which kinda made me derail from my workout routine. I haven’t exercised much since then. I had my complete checkup one week ago, I’m in good health, everything seems fine. I started dating a new guy casually. He is great but I have low expectations about any outcome. I just enjoy his company from time to times. So I guess everything is going good. Still, I find myself very tired and exhausted. I’m anxious and don’t know why. I am not motivated and often feel sad. I think I’m getting low again. I’m considering taking meds again. If there no change after I begin exercising next week, I will take them. I think that the last relationship affected me more than I thought. Now I just need to figure out what I’m going to change to make my life better, to empower myself… I already have some Ideas for the next three month: from 25th of march until 25th of June : Three month to progress. These are the areas I want to develop: Health (exercise, eat healthy, stop smoking, sleep better, stop drinking) Work (change workplace, apply for another job, better paid one) Physical appearance (get my teeth whitened, remove some wrinkles, do more facelift massages, Have my leg surgery done in April, find a new clothing style maybe add some colors to it or just change my minimalist wardrobe for summer) Make more money. Some ideas: sell all the clothes that I don’t wear and all the garbage I have stored, get some freelance jobs, prospect new clients, Be a nanny for some hours in the week when I’m with my son. Social life: try to volunteer somewhere, at my son’s soccer club, my crossfit club or anywhere else. Hobbies Do more of what I like to do: go salsa dancing, paint or craft stuff… find something new. Routine: change some aspects of my appartement, change furniture or rearrange them for a new start.Declutter my kitchen and my closet. Get even more minimalist… Relationships: do not look for anything serious. I will start next Monday with : Going back to the gym, declutter my kitchen and my closet (sort the items I want to sell) maybe rearrange some furniture if I have extra time.

Agree. Another lie on OLD apps: I had many guys lying about the fact that they were smokers. In the profile it’s been said that they occasionally smoke, when for real they are addicted. For me lying about age, having children or not, being single, being unemployed, or their location are all red flags. I next those guys. if you are looking for a woman who is still able to have children, and find out, several month in that she can’t because she is older than she pretended, how would you react?

I agree 100%. When I divorced from my ex husband we both were dating casually other people, and he happened to sleep with a girl I also know. He confessed to me that he only viewed her casually as he wasn’t that attracted to her. On day, a few month ago, I met this girl in a bar and we talked a bit. She asked why he would never respond to her texts in a timely manner, why he wasn’t taking her out on dates, and why was sometimes so rude towards her during the time they were hanging out together (she happened to develop feelings for him) she would always help him and be there for him, so she asked me how I could manage to have a relationship with someone so inconsistent and disrespectful. I just told him that I never experienced this behavior form his part. With me, he has always been a gentlemen from the start. He was all in. So I definitely think men can portray different behaviors or communication styles depending of the woman who is standing in front of him: which is why I suggest: take the f** hint and run…

At least he wasn’t afraid to give you a faux impression about what his intentions are… I definitely would not have gone on a second date according to the sexting + his lame response. I remember the last guy, ´red flag guy’ (the one I had to cut of because he didn’t want to invite me over) after our 3rd date he texted me something like « maybe you deserve a slap on your a… » this text really bothered me, and I called him out about it saying it was to soon for this kind of exchanges… (we had only kissed at this point) when I think about it now, I regret I didn’t cut him off right after that text because it was a clear sign that his intentions towards me were never serious. (Then followed by other strange behaviors that I overlooked because I already was to attracted to him) I cannot grasp the fact that a man having serious intentions towards you would take the risk to make you think otherwise or doubt it. From now on, when a guy gets sexual to early in our conversations, I just take the hint and either cut him of, or date him casually, which is exactly what is happening with my current one… EDIT: was great to put a face on your name @rainbowsandroses You look so beautiful. Giving you my face for a short time too 😉

I agree and operate the same way. If a guy tries to sext before a date, or before we even got intimate, I either next him or address it, it depends on how he presents in general. I also heard of many guys being cautious in the way they physically approach woman, some of them are afraid of rejection or of sexual harassment accusations. Maybe sexting is a way to approach them less directly, as you said to "test waters" to gauge a woman's interest... A lot of them are also afraid of being friendzoned in the beginning which can explain the early stage sexting. The guy I mentioned yesterday, who was trying to sext with me, I wasn't in the mood so I just ignored him for a little while. But today I was willing to do it and we had a few exchanges. He told me how he can't concentrate on anything else, and how he is looking forward to meet again etc... Somehow I think it can build attraction and connection when its done good and in a playful way. But not when you are dealing with a stranger you never met... makes no sense...

Great attitude as you say… we all want that special person… but unfortunately we live in a time where I don’t think it’s a probability. To many options due to social media. When you feel good with someone you think about your other options because you know you can swipe and find a better person. It’s so easy. I’m the first one to acknowledge that I’m thinking of finding better when dealing with someone. Because I know I can meet whoever I want the next day. It’s sad, but the relationship our parents or our grandparents had no longer exist. We live in a world of insta fashion, insta food and insta relationships… Everything is ephemeral. When I met my husband, 15 year ago, things were different. But now… OMG… in 10 years things changed a lot and I realized I had to accept it and I just wish my 8 years old son will experience true love once in his life… 🙏

Dating (especially OLD) is tough nowadays. You better get prepared to never find what you are looking for… Just act accordingly to your standards, and if no one can meet you there, make sure to build a happy life by your own. I gave up on the fantasy of finding my partner… I’m trying to just have the best life I can. If I happen to meet him, then great. If not, I will be fine… I will be ok with casual flings because I think this is what people have to offer nowadays. How could it be different in the world we live in…

I never ghost, but I observe and then decide. Having sex with someone doesn’t imply this kind of sexting. I expect a bit more than the usual “been thinking of what you did to me last night, how and what if etc…” If the only thing that comes out after first sex is this kind of text, yes, I do get distant. without any regret. I think that what a guy says or how he acts after the first time reveals a lot about his intentions. I knew of some men trying to be more delicate after first sex because they didn’t want the women to think it was only about that. If a man is only sexting about first sex, you better assume he wasn’t pursuing you for your brain…

Ok, I didn’t read all the replies, so I might repeat what others said… but this is how I proceed: when I guy tries to sext before we even got intimate I tell him: “as long as I like texting ( or spending time) with you, I reserve this kind of communication for someone I’m being intimate with.” By replying this way, you make him understand that at this stage, you aren’t ok with this kind of exchanges, but neither are you completely prude and open to sexting once the relationship has evolved in something more meaningful. Look, I had sex for first time with a guy yesterday. It was our 3rd date. And tonight he began trying to sext me ( i can sense it even if it’s not that bold) I didn’t reply. I’m not interested in that, have other stuff going on. If it’s just about sex, they better wait or go their way. You don’t have to accept that. I never sext with guys when I’m not comfortable to do it.

As I always say, when you feel you have to protect yourself from someone or something, it’s just your gut feeling telling you that it’s not where you belong… you are doing great. With the right guy, you won’t have to second guess for a second. You both will just click… this is why I still go on dates, because I’m sure someday I will experience this. I wish you will too!

Is this really a red flag? Or is it just a mismatch… I don’t think this guy showed any warning signs outside the fact that his personality didn’t align with what OP was looking for. I think we over use this term, because the guy can easily meet someone more reserved like he is and she won’t see it as such. Red flags, to me, apply to people who pretend to be someone they are not, or who have intentions contradicting to what they pretend… Anyway, I’m glad you made your decision and don’t worry for him. He will be fine. If I can suggest something for the next time you have to « reject » someone, don’t say you didn’t feel the romantic spark… just say that you both seem to want something different from a relationship. Because if you say you didn’t feel the spark, they will automatically assume it’s because of their looks, which is always a hard pill to swallow… just my opinion…

I corrected by saying this: but I do think OP should go on another date and try to see if there is more attraction. For some people, first dates/meets are a bit stressful and they don’t really can figure out whether there is some potential, even more when it’s a short meet… maybe worth it to dig a bit deeper and not having regrets later on.

You do know I don’t let men on their toes. I get intimate pretty quick with them around the 5th date. So I’m not playing games. And if he looses interest because he won the prize, better sooner than later I’m ok with it. I just think that dating is like a dance… you make a move, he makes a move, you open up a bit, he does the same and vice versa while keeping some heathy distance in the beginning. I don’t know how this is playing games…

I agree, let’s not use the “confused” word but rather “trigger interest” or “arouse curiosity”

I do like kissing. As I said I don’t kiss if I’m repulsed, but only to confirm that I’m not feeling physical attraction enough to be willing to go on another date. Sometimes you can kiss a man you aren’t that attracted to and the kiss feels so good that it makes you change your mind… it happened to me once or twice when I was casually dating. And I happened to have second dates with these people.

I know… I’m sorry for you guys. So its better not to assume anything based on a first date. When I like someone, I’m more willing to take my time, let the attraction build and some tension to be created… I like it when you ask yourself whether you are going to kiss them on the second date, what it will be like. I like to leave men a bit confused after the first date and give them a chance to fantasize about the kiss or what is going to happen or not. I think they like that feeling too…