Sindy_0311

Hell no 😂

I don’t know if we are incompatible yet… he showed something strange. He is somehow very forthcoming. And I know this might be a red flag. But we don’t know each other yet, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because I do enjoy his personality and the way we exchange over text. He is very respectful and interesting. He’s a Leo, and I know for sure that Leo’s are more pushy when they have interest in someone. You know I also have my flaws, I’m kinda distant with men, I don’t embrace the dating process like some others would… Maybe he was just bothered by the fact that I’m not that into it from the start. Idk… i don’t cut people off just because of one text… but sure, if he shows possessive behavior after we met, I won’t hesitate to cut him off.

To me it’s more like you might miss the right guy while entertaining someone that is not right for you, in terms of compatibility. While you focus on one person, for let’s say 2 or 3 month, you are off the market and not available for the right guy. This how I define it for me…

I also know very early on whether I like someone, see potential or not, i do connect very fast with people that have the same language than me. But as you said, compatibility is something that takes more time to figure out. Maybe 3 month also lol

Well as I said, during the first dates, I do meet other men. But usually after 2 or 3 weeks, if I’m attracted to him, I have no issue focusing on him only. My inner deadline is 3 month, if after 3 month I don’t see any progression in the relationship I cut it… also cut it earlier if I sense that OP isn’t moving at the same pace, I adress it and if I see that he isn’t willing to progress or meet my needs, I walk away.

It’s when you see potential for something serious and both are willing to share their world, bring around their people, be “exclusive”, spend more time together, be more intimate emotionally speaking, be more open, feel like partners, someone you can rely on, be more vulnerable and try to communicate best to fix some issues that might appear…. Etc… not talking about mariage or kids in my case because I don’t want that. I’m in a committed relationship when I can say, this is my man. (Understand boyfriend)

Can you be more specific or rephrase this… (my bad English, sorry) I think that in the future I will avoid any exclusivity talk or agree to it, because obviously it’s overrated. I will try to rely on what we share and whether we are on the same page according to future talks etc… In that sense, do you think it is ok to say something like « I’m ok to be exclusive once (and only once) we are in a committed relationship » or would that be a turn of for a man who has serious intentions towards me?

this guy is not the subject of this thread... I said it before. I'm just trying to understand why I feel uncomfortable with this exclusive thing. I do have a FOMO syndrome... And by giving my time to only one guy in the beginning I also think that I take the risk to waist too much energy on him. I do want to protect myself, like almost everyone does. No one jumps with open arms in the first relationship they get, we are all cautious at some point... He asked whether I was TALKING to other men. I told him I was, I wouldn't be honest by saying no. I didn't mention and I won't mention that I have another date this weekend. Not my style to do that.

I agree. I think it would be better to make sure you want to pursue something with the other person and wait for commitment (or labeling the relationship) to be exclusive and ask for it. I don't think it's more accessible than in bars and clubs. I've been talking with hundreds of guys since two years, only to find out theres something wrong with them after a few days, or that their pictures aren't recent ones, or that they actually aren't looking for anything serious when it was stipulated they were in their profile. You spend three days talking with ten guys only to go on ONE date. The problem is some people don't have enough time to go to bars because they have children, work, have a social life, and their own activities. My usual day is like that: I go to work, I go to the gym and then I go back home because I'm tired and I begin to swipe on my sofa. On weekends, I see my friends, hangout with them, clean my house, make the laundry, go to the grocery, and sometimes have a date. but that's it. I'd rather meet a cute guy at my gym (man they are all so shy... ) or in the coffee shop, where people are stressed out about their day, or in the subway where everyone is just swiping on their phone. I think people don't know what they want. They want a relationship, but "hey let's not label it because I might change my mind someday, so let's just call it exclusive until I actually change my mind about you - no harm done" Do people really need six months to fall in love with someone? If so, can't you at least recognize that you are developing strong feelings after a few weeks? How long does it take to figure out whether you want to try build something with someone? for me, it takes between 2 and 3 month. But I guess everyone is different.

I don’t think safer sex has anything to do with this ‘let’s be exclusive’ manipulation tactic. Most people had casual experiences, with multiple partners, they know exactly how to protect themselves, what not to do to avoid MSTs or undesired pregnancy. Me personally I wouldn’t wait 3 month to get physical with a man, simply because I have needs and because it doesn’t change anything to how I bond. I estimate emotional connection much more… I still believe that asking for exclusivity is a way for some people to take you of the market without making their intentions clear though. If really you don’t want the person you are dating to meet other people and you don’t feel like to either (which supposes that you are developing feelings) then why can’t you just commit to her/him fully? I think people are becoming so cautious in the dating world, they are no longer capable to fully involve themselves in a serious relationship… it’s all calculated, analyzed, premeditated… and the concept of exclusivity without commitment is a reflection of it…

If a man doesn't properly call you his girlfriend, you better not introduce him as your boyfriend.😁

You mean that being exclusive is the same as being girlfriend/boyfriend? This is where there is much of misunderstanding in my opinion. For some, being exclusive means just focus on the person you are dating to see whether there is potential for something serious or official like girlfriend/boyfriend. (no need to introduce the SO to family or bring her/him around friends or social gathering... ) And for others, being exclusive means being yet boyfriend/girlfriend, and the presenting to the family is just a question of time if not done yet... This is why I think it's a dangerous concept because it can lead to misunderstanding... there are people dating exclusively without real intention of making it official. Just because you are exclusive, its doesn't mean you are someones girlfriend or boyfriend.

the same for me... It wasn't difficult being exclusive with the last guy because I didn't want to meet anyone else. BUT, when it doesn't work out I feel like I have lost my time... I have a little FOMO syndrome 😅 Are you talking about the last one? what happened? He seems very similar to my ex husband, he is Spanish too, has a soon, has his own business, he is 47 (way older than me) he seems balanced and is very interesting, I do enjoy our conversations and I think he is pretty attractive for being older than me. So yes I will meet him on Friday (not forgetting about this detail) and we will see...

I wasn’t ending the conversation, I just took sometime to answer to one of his texts. Maybe he got bothered that I m a slow texter 😁

For some clarity, here are his texts: -I wanted to ask you something, these last days have you continued to chat with other men? It's out of curiosity - Ah OK. Not being someone who runs several hares at once, I had put the rest on hold..but I understand - I understand but I'm not like that... if I follow you that means you're going to meet all of us and make a choice. It's a kind of speed dating...I think it spoils the magic of the meeting, even if it's only virtual. At the last one: - Okay, I'll leave you for tonight. You probably have lots of messages to answer 😜... I am teasing you Have a goog night. Talk to you tomorrow 🌛 (google translate)

I know and I'm aware that this one is showing controlling behavior. I'm not trying to make this thread about him, because its not, its just an exemple. I'm also talking with others. but this guy I know him by far, he lived in my city when I was younger and used to go out at the same places, bars, his groups of friends knew my group of friends at that time. We already saw each other without really engaging. I don't think he is a bad person maybe he was feeling to familiar... so I guess I will go on that "date" because im curious about seeing him again. We have been talking for a week now and he seems really transparent about who he is, where he works, shared his social media, and he is very polite (except for that remark)...Maybe this will just turn into a "friendship" as I suppose it will...

Do you mean that being exclusive is the same as being "official" girlfriend/boyfriend?

in fact I usually don't date multiple people. I do it in the beginning when I don't know nothing about a guy or if I'm not sure about my attraction towards him. but once I become attracted to him and see some kind of potential, I drop the "others" because Im not willing to engage with them, but not because I've been asked to be exclusive... Also heard that guys consider woman who are mutlidating like *** teaser or playing the fields, its very pejorative. I know a lot of them who don't like it at all and couldn't even consider dating such women. The question was more about this concept of exclusivity once you are starting to see someone more regularly. I read this somewhere about men: "Unless he makes you his girlfriend, you don't owe him any loyalty... " and I kinda agree with it... Why would he want you as a girlfriend if he already gets all the benefits and knows that you're not going anywhere because you accepted to be exclusive... In my opinion it should be either: A: We are dating and also free to engage with other people if we want to. B: We are in an official relationship and loyal to each other. There is no space for the in-between (understand exclusivity)...

This is a good point! But can you apply this to OLD, because frankly there are a lot of avoidants on those apps… and you can’t really figure it out after one or two dates…

This is also a famous sales technique. The less choice you give the client the happier they are with their purchase… but you cannot expect someone to choose the only one painting that is hanging on the white wall of the gallery.

Sorry I didn’t get it. Yes HE did. And by the time I was posting here he was waiting for my response and double texted me something like: ‘well I’m going to bed, I presume you have many texts to reply to, just kidding… 😜’ This is so annoying.

Hell I didn’t say that. I told him that if someday we happen to feel something special, or that we have a true connection, exclusivity will come naturally. I didn’t mention the speed dating or better option thing.

Yes i told him that I was speaking to other men. Because he asked. I then told him that if he wasn’t comfortable with it I understood and asked him if he still wanted us to meet on Friday. He said he wanted to. He told me multiple times how he is a monogamous type etc etc… but I didn’t ask him to be, so I presume I can meet other guys… 😂

I also know of some people agreeing to date exclusively, but not making it official though. So what’s the point in making it exclusive? IMO It’s like having the boyfriend/girlfriend benefit without having to « commit » or introducing to family or share worlds… if you feel like you don’t want to share your SO with other people, why can’t you just label the relationship?

I just wanted to open a new topic about exclusivity because I have heard many contradicting opinions about it lately. Do you think its a tool for guys or women to take control without having to commit? How is it that people get inconfortable in early stage when you tell them that you are dating others? A man I met online just asked me whether I was meeting/talking to other guys, I replied honestly and he told me by text that I was kinda “speed dating” to choose my better option. We have a first meet planned on Friday and he already brought that up… he pretends he feels uncomfortable about it… Here in Switzerland people don’t speak much about the exclusivity concept, it’s either official or it’s not… that why I’m thinking that it isn’t worth anything at the end… What you guys think? 🙏