TeeDee

Just because you think you want to get back together doesn't mean he's ready to trust you.  Why do you want to go back to something that wasn't working in the 1st place?  

Something else is going on with him.  Get him a physical.  He may have a brain tumor or some kind of infection that is adversely affecting his cognitive processing.  

She doesn't sound very supportive.  You are only 22, not 32.  You are allowed to ask for help from parents. 

Talk to your doctors about getting you into an accident survivors support group so you can talk to people who have been through what you have.  

LDRs require a lot of trust.  You already know he's a cheater.  Now you have more evidence & he's gas lighting you. 

What is the draw of staying with this man?  

Give up & date somebody local who shares your views & values.  

Why would you send your wife a whatsapp message like that?  Why wouldn't you call her or wait to discuss things when you got home. 

If your salary isn't paying the bills it's time you two made a new household budget or she gets a job.   Stop shouldering the whole burden yourself.  

I agree DMing him to talk about the book or follow up with the organization he mentioned.  

A technique I liked to use to gauge a man's interest was to mention somewhere I planned to be to see if he showed up.  If you can find a related event, say to him that you will be attending.  See if he asks more Qs or if you can casually suggest he attend too.    Since you run an organization find a reason to have another event & invite him. 

Happy Birthday.  

Here's the thing:  if you two broke up he wasn't The One.  That person is still out there.  

It's ok to grieve the loss of a relationship but that can't go on forever.  4 months after the fact it's time to move your life forward.  What are you doing to keep busy & keep your mind off him?  Be active.  Exercise.  Exercise produces happy endorphins to elevate your mood.  Take up a new hobby.  Get a side hustle or work overtime to earn more money.   Activity is the antidote to what ails you.    Make 22 the best year ever!

You have to start somewhere.  If you don't try now all that will happen is that you will be 33 with no love life.  

My husband is a combat veteran with certain PTSD issues.  His therapist has him doing exercises where he has to be exposed to things that make him uncomfortable.  He doesn't like crowds.  He recently accompanied me to an indoor flea market / bazaar.   The idea is the more you do the scary thing but nothing bad happens, the easier it will be to keep doing that. 

You are investing way too much in a stranger you have never met.  Nothing about this is genuine until you meet in person.  You both think you like the person you think the other one is but you don't actually know the other person 

When you say he's in another city do you mean the next town over, under an hour away or is this somebody on the other side of the planet?  

You are not investing anything by continuing to chat. Continue to talk but keep your emotions out of it for now.   Just don't put all your eggs in his basket.  If you can manage to meet in person then you can assess whether you have something 

16 hours ago, James90 said:

 

15 hours ago, James90 said:

But I wanted to give her closure and then block her without seeing her response. 

You can't give her closure.  Closure comes from within, not from another person. 

Your talk to closure is a modern twist on wishing an Ex Happy Birthday.  It's an excuse to reopen communication because deep down you want to get back together. 

You know getting back with her is a bad idea.  

15 hours ago, James90 said:

I'm really sorry guys, I feel incredibly ashamed.

There's nothing to be ashamed about.  You liked this girl & she took advantage.  Just don't make the same mistake again 

22 minutes ago, James90 said:

Im sick

Just wish I knew you why

ive called her out on things that I'm doing myself

ive projected and blame shifted and not taken accountability and reacted like an injured animal because I haven't been able to get my fix.

i take Ritalin for my ADHD

theres an element of hurting myself here/ self sabotaging.

I don't know if I'm a bad person or not. I do hope she's ok. But I don't feel like I'm aware of what I'm doing. But it is selfish whether I want to believe it or not.

You are not sick.  You are not a bad person.  Wanting to be loved is not selfish.  

Recognize that you & this woman were never a good fit.  She was hurtful & manipulative.  Use this failed relationship & learn to recognize red flags.  When somebody treats you poorly, get out. 

One thing about your behavior did strike me though.   You mentioned something about her making you jealous by mentioning that an actor was "hot" then making you watch a movie starring that actor while you & her were in bed.  It was an actor, not somebody she knows.  If you get jealous over celluloid, that is a problem you need to address.  

You also mentioned something about a mortgage.  Hopefully you are still buying a house.  Put your energy into fixing that up.  Make it a place you can be proud of & use your fresh start in a new neighborhood to see who is around there.  

A 32 year old college graduate who has never had a job & lives at home to support his mom who is too depressed to care for herself is not going to suddenly become ambitious to win a woman's affection.   This guy has zero ambition & never will.  He is tied to mommy's apron strings & likes coasting along being supported by others.  He's already wasted 1/3 of his life.  

Telling him to shape up is almost cruel because it gives him false hope.  

You would have been better off just saying no thanks.  You are allowed to not want to date somebody because they are lazy.  Attraction is more than just physical.  It involved having shared dreams but this guy is just a bum

Has this ever happened before?  It seems odd to me that a family would go on vacation without a family member. 

For now take care of the dogs.  Start making lists.  Think about what you want out of life & how you will go about achieving those goals.   Take some action steps to make friends to ease your loneliness.  

Point is don't wallow.  If you are unhappy with your situation, change it. 

When your family returns tell them how much their behavior hurt your feelings.  

What an awful thing to say.  It makes you sound like a materialistic gold digger.   In his shoes I would never date you. 

When I met my now husband, we were both in our late 30s he had a paper route to supplement his sparse income.  I owned my own business & had a graduate degree.  He was a military veteran having been enlisted but was going to school on line.  His job situation was anything but stable.  But I could see the work ethic & the potential.  

You would have told him to buzz off -- to go make money to prove that he was "good enough" to date you.  I took a chance.  He graduated magna cum laude after we were married.  Soon thereafter he found his calling & now has a great job that makes him happy.  Point is I supported him through it.  

You sent a good guy away for all the wrong reasons.   For his sake I hope he meets a nice person & develops a quality relationship.  He may not have money right now but that is easy to fix with some hard work; you lack compassion, empathy & vision which you may never develop.  

If you think him living at home & not having anything but a side hustle is an indication that he has zero ambition, that is one thing.  In that case you needed to take a hard pass not try to motive him to win you or deserve you. 

Your mother has major boundary issues.  I am troubled by the idea that a grown woman would use her son's phone to call his HS GF & call her a b1tch.   

Since your parents are religious, even though you are not, perhaps enlist some help from their minster to work through things.  

Talk to a guidance counselor at school about your college choices.  If that school is the best for what you want to do, let the guidance counselor help you explain that to mom & dad.  Again if you can get the minister on your side regarding your choice of schools that should also help your case. 

You & your GF may have run your course.  Many HS romances don't survive the transition to college.  Don't let your relationship status derail your goals.  

Stay out of it.   Tell her when the lease is up that you do not intend to renew it so she has time to make other plans.   As for the baby & her relationship, they are not your business.  Keep your mouth shut.   Keep taking care of the dog but leave the rest of it alone.  Support her from afar, period.  

In 9 times neither of you have made a move.   The fact that you haven't made a move told her that you see her only as a friend.  She grew comfortable with that & you can't change it now.  Sorry.  You blew it.  

Women like men who flirt from the start   Your failure to do that doomed this.   You need to be more assertive. 

However, if ShySoul is correct & this woman has already told you that she doesn't see you as a romantic prospect, you need to respect that & move along.  Stop hanging around being an orbiter.  

For a while you two traveled the path of life together but now you are on different paths.  That happens.  Let her go. Wish her well.  Focus on your company & in time you will meet the right woman. 

I think the autism is driving some of this but I couldn't live like that.  I would not feel safe, loved or valued in a relationship like the one you describe; therefore I would not continue it.  

Before you begin this conversation you need to get right with yourself. 

Step one;  Go get an STD test & complete physical.  Let's how much damage drinking has done to your body.  Refrain from sex with your FI until you get the STD results.  If you caught something it's really not fair to pass it on to her. 

Step 2:  think long & hard about whether you need to give up drinking altogether & go to AA.  You acknowledge the problem

Step 3:  tell her.  Just use the dreaded opening line "we have to talk" then spit it out.  Do give her your STD status which will hopefully be negative & then discuss with her whether you need AA.  

Give her time to process.  She may find this unforgiveable & you will have to live with that.  Actions have consequences.  

11 hours ago, D_lutina said:

 Some family members and friends said that he is not that interested or he is playing but honestly I am confused.

There is nothing to be confused about.  Your family & friends are correct.  He's a game playing time waster.  If he was into you, nothing would have stopped him from pursing you.  

Next .  .. 

Yes you are being played.  This was not your fault.  You got sick.  He made the CHOICE to walk out & cheat.  Now he's gaslighting you.   He claims couldn't leave his mistress who he knew for 6 weeks & her unborn child that he couldn't really be sure was even his without a paternity test but he could leave you -- his SO of 20 --  years and his 2 kids.  BS.  He made a choice.  He could have & should have stayed.  

Now he regrets it.  He's been unfaithful to her reaching out to you, making you promises about getting back together & requesting sexy pictures. She knows he is a cheater.  He cheated on you with her & now he's playing you both. 

Legally assuming he is the bio father she can't keep the child away from him.  He can go to court to demand visitation.  You should have told him that rather than lying for him.  

IMO you need to fully embrace your single life.  You don't need a cheater who turns tail & runs when things get tough.  He left you at one of the lowest points in your life when you were sick & he didn't care enough about his own kids to focus on their safety while their mom, his partner of 20 years was struggling.  All he cares about is himself.  Now he has the audacity to blame you for his shortcomings.  How selfish!

Why do you want this jerk back?  Think long & hard about that because mark my words, the next time things get tough he will do this again.  Plus even if he comes back in body he will probably be sending nudes & flirty texts to his other baby mamma, 

He is in the military.   He may not be able to respond for a week or more.  Depending on where he is there may be no cell service.  For operational security reasons he may not be able to contact you.  

If he's interested, he'll get back in touch.  Have a little faith & be patient. 

Back in the old days before cell phones & texting, sometimes you had to wait a week or more to hear back from somebody 

You have been dating your GF for 2 years / 24 months.  Your buddy mixed up somebody else's name 18 months ago & over time your GF told you this buddy gave her an intense vibe.  You are obsessing about this now?  You have to stop.  

1.  Your GF is faithful to you & knows there is something off about the buddy.  She's going to steer clear.  She has solid boundaries.  Trust her.  

2.  Him mixing up the name was a brain fart but it got in his head & stuck.  I have done that.  I think somebody's name is one thing (Chloe) & even though it's really something else (Brittany) in my head they will always be the wrong name.  It is not an indication that he wants to lure her away from you.  You talked & he told you as much.  If you think he was lying, stop being friends with him.  

If you focus on this long ago non-problem your anxiety & obsession will end up destroying the relationship.  Just give this guy a wide berth.  Stop letting anything he does or says matter.  Trust your GF.  Enjoy your relationship.  You are giving this guy too much power.  Once you stop you will feel better. 

I don't think I'd stay.   Being able trust somebody is a core value to me.  I couldn't trust a habitual liar, who lies even when he doesn't have to.  

A little bit.   I talk more when I'm nervous.  If this only happens on the 1st call / 1st date give the person the benefit of the doubt & don't dwell on it