TeeDee

Since you have already established a pattern of texting every day, changing that now without explanation will distress her.  

Do try to arrange a meeting in person sooner rather than later. 

Can you at least do a video call to speak your new language to each other?  

She doesn't trust you.  Without trust there is not much there. 

9 hours ago, Jaspeniiiinnn said:

Is there a way to get it back? Or am I just hoping it can be built back up? 

Only he can restore your trust by his actions.  But he's not doing that.  

He doesn't sound all that invested.  You feel lonely because you know he has one foot (& maybe some other parts) out the door. 

You will feel less lonely if you stop trying to repair / restore this relationship that he doesn't seem to care about.  Break up.  Being alone is better than this.  It will clear the decks for you to find somebody trustworthy.  

Please accept my condolences about your miscarriage. 

If he blocks the door etc. when you try to leave, don't announce to him that you are leaving.  Leave when he's not there & don't tell him where you went.  

Absolutely do NOT announce that you like him.  That approach is ghastly.  It violates social norms & is generally unwelcome because it's so out of the blue. 

Make conversation. Ask about his summer plans.  See if you can get a phone number.  

My favorite way to gage opposite interest is to casually mention something about where you will be at a particular time, e.g. "my friends & I are going to [place] on [date / day of the week].  It'd be great if you & your friends stopped by to check out the band."  If the person shows up you know you have something.  

He thinks he's all that & that "older" women would be lucky to have him.   

Print out the email & keep it both in paper & electronically as evidence if he doesn't go away.  

As a general proposition women need to feel loved to have sex & men need to have sex to feel loved.  

Stick to your guns.  Find somebody who believes what you believe about premarital sex but understand that will be a small pool of people.  It wasn't this guy.  He may have thought he could abstain because it's the right thing to say but deep down he couldn't so he bailed. 

Either this is the opening scene for some porno or you are being sexually exploited by your employer.  Kissing a subordinate is a violation of the college's sexual harassment policy.  

I suggest you reassess the education you are receiving because if this is a legit Q, rather than a troll who's pot stirring, you have a LOT to learn.  

While you are asking your FI you may also want to get his wife's opinion & let the athletic director weigh in.  

You seem articulate & thoughtful.  That is an excellent foundation.  As a fighter, a carpenter & a firefighter you have to talk to people.  Women are simply people.  Do look too far ahead.   At first all you want is that one initial conversation, nothing more.  Smile.  Say hello.  Make small talk about the weather or the local sports team.  As you get more comfortable in general conversation, then you can work up to asking a woman to coffee or out for a drink.  Keep that 1st date short, under 2 hours & low cost.  You are looking to see if you are comfortable with each other, having anything in common & find each other attractive.  You go from there. 

Until you get more confidence stay off the apps & dating sites.  Those can be brutal.  

No you should not ignore your feelings.  

You are worthy of love.  You simply have a self esteem problem.   

You claim your lack of self discipline is a problem.  OK. What are you doing to work on that?  Start small.  Get up every morning & make your bed.  Once that starts to be a good habit, add in something else.  As you rack up successes it will be easier to tackle the tougher stuff. 

Keep praying.  That is the best thing you can do.  

Good luck.  

University friendships are best when superficial & diverse.  It's a law of large numbers.  Do not put all your energy into 1 person.  Cultivate multiple groups that do not necessarily overlap.  

Join a club or two.  Play an IM sport.  Get to know your neighbors.  Get to know people in your major.  That way you can flit from group to group & have support multiple places especially if one group feels off in the moment.  

In time the friendships will deepen but initially it has to start slowly.  

You said it yourself you oozed a kind of desperation.  You have to become more confident & less reliant on 1-2 people for all of your social interactions.  

I have only seen this be successful once.   They were HS sweethearts.  She dumped him early freshman year of college because he wasn't mature enough.   Around age 22-23 they bumped into each other at a party.   They started dating about a year later.  They dated for 5 & have now been married for 6 years with two cute toddlers.  

I only tried to reconnect once.  We broke up then tried to get back together a few months later.  Something was just off. . .that magic, that sparkle was gone.  25 years later we still sometimes bump into each other at professional industry events.  We can manage a polite conversation for a few minutes.  We sent each other cards when various parents have passed away over the years but we are each married to other people.  

Waaaaayyyyyy too much drama for 3 measly weeks. 

You are also operating under 1 very serious miscalculation;  You think you are both mature enough to be professional at work if you stop dating.  You may be mature enough to do that but that's not in the ballpark of what she's capable of.  Prepare yourself for a real sh1tstorm at work.  Do tell HR or your boss because I guarantee Ava is going to attack the new girl because you mentioned her name. 

You need to change your self-talk, that inner dialogue that is making you stressed.  

3 YEARS ago in a stressful setting your BF said some stupid / mean stuff because he was frustrated & immature.   He wasn't accounting for your virginity.  

Yes what he said was awful but presumably there are good things about this relationship that caused you to stay for 3 years.  That is a long time.  

Instead of focusing on the bad past remember the good things, including that he expressed remorse.   Work on your self esteem / self confidence.  With your doctor work to get off the SSRIs to focus on more holistic ways of coping like mediation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise whatever works for you.  

On 5/12/2024 at 9:50 AM, crazyheart22 said:

I don't want to end my marriage, 

Why not?  Do you really think that being divorced would be more miserable then you are right now?  

On 5/10/2024 at 7:19 PM, Blurry 123 said:

I'm 16

Nigeria

There are resources for you in your country.  Get in touch with them:  

Home - Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (lagosdsva.org)

I think time will tell.  If things are good, you stressing out will damage things, not him. 

She's his EX for a reason even if they share a child.  She is not going to wake up one day & decides she wants him back.  If he is telling you things were over before they made it official & broke up believe him.  Some people process before they act.  I was one of them.  I'd give somebody every chance before I broke up with them so when I finally did, I was well & truly over it.   Especially if they never married, there has to be a reason they could never commit.  That should be a good deal of evidence for you that there is no going back for him. 

You don't know that they didn't try to fix it before they ended it.  You are assuming they just gave up.  You have no proof & I'd bet they did try.  It wasn't meant to be. 

Be nice to the kid but not obsequious.  

I dated one man with a child.  I will share with you what I said to him every time he tried to use me as a sounding board regarding his EX:  "be generous to your son & fair to his mother."  I also worked very hard not to say anything negative about the EX in front of the kid even though I didn't like her. 

1 hour ago, ajackx said:

Today is Friday afternoon. I was going to call today to confirm, but I'm having second thoughts. I'm not into playing games.

She's not playing games.  She bluntly told you she wants CASUAL.  

Yes, you should call to confirm.  

It sounds like you don't want casual so on this "date" tomorrow, tell her you would prefer something less casual but don't press her for a label.  The word probably scares her more than the behavior right now.  Ease into that part but don't settle for less than what you want. 

Me thinks you accepted this job too quickly.  You should have checked with that recruiter before you said yes to this. That level of quick decision making followed by regret & a plan to job hop again makes me question your work ethic.  

Even if you should have listened to your gut, you didn't.  Now you have to honor that commitment, IMO.  

Look at the positives.  View yourself as an agent of change.  Maybe nobody ever educated the CEO or the manager about better ways to manage people.  I'm reading a book about workplace EQ & these people seem to have missed some of that but with a little diplomacy you may be able to elevate the workplace. 

Do plan to stick it out for at least 6 months if not a year.  With the higher salary & better title this position may be a great launch pad for an even better job.  

You don't address it directly now.  

He was off work, bored & seeking entertainment.  You fit that bill in the moment. 

You do need to address this indirectly for a lot of reasons including preventing awkwardness.   To that end, you would have been better served by replying to his message that you had to work because you are busy at work.   Going forward occasionally mention how you appreciate your cordial professional interactions & that you are happy to have met him.  Use words like colleague, friend & acquaintance.   Never touch him.  Don't laugh too much at his jokes.  Try to avoid being alone with him.  Do your best to keep conversations focused on work or superficial small talk subjects.  

If you are open to interacting with her on her terms -- no commitment -- keep doing what you are doing.  

If you want a relationship & daily texting she is not your girl.  

Right now you have a prom date.  

That is a romantic setting.  Go with minimal expectations beyond having fun.  See what happens. 

After prom if you are still confused then you can reach out & ask to clarify.  That is a conversation best had in person.  Do NOT try to deal with something so deep & emotional over text.  It won't work.  You need to be able to look at him & hear his tone & he needs to see & hear you too.  You may have to be brave & be the one who opens up 1st telling him you like him & you want to see where this goes.  

You may get rejected.  Your timing may be off, especially if you are both leaving for college in the fall.   It's worth the risk though 

On 5/7/2024 at 6:34 AM, Haks said:

I asked her to meet the other day but she is dating someone and has been for 2 months, the convo wasn't awkward and I even made a joke afterwards and continued lightly bantering her and the situation.

She said she only dates 1 person at a time, she did say if I asked her a few weeks ago it would have been different, 

She already said no politely.  The most you can do is tell her she knows where to find you if that other guy doesn't work out.  

Doing anything else makes you an unwelcome pest who isn't respecting her boundaries.  Don't be a homewrecker. 

Be open to your second choice school.   That might be the best place for you.  

Volunteering somewhere doing something you care about can be a great way to meet like minded people.   Getting involved with a sports team (to play) can also be fun. 

A warm smile & a firm handshake can be your ticket into anywhere.  It's a skill people learn as we grow. 

It's OK that certain milestones didn't happen for you yet.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  It will come.  

It sounds geographically undesireable even if it worked out unless you have some vague plan about moving home at some point in the future.  

You can talk to him & express what you would like.  Growing up my mom stayed home & my dad worked.  He would call her on a landline telephone mounted to the wall & his lunch time.  Years later when he worked days & she worked nights she would call him at "dinner time."  I'm not suggesting there is anything wrong with staying in touch but you have to be reasonable.  

IMO you will be better served pressing for more togetherness rather than more or more frequent texts. But you can ask for a little check in.  What I don't think you should do is pitch a fit if he doesn't constantly reassure you.