TeeDee

21 hours ago, Louisee said:

Me and my partner have been together for 4 years now, live together and overall relationship is good. 

No it's not.  If that is your definition of good you have issues.  Get counseling.  Any aggressive or meanspirited unwelcome touching is abusive.  

You need to get out of this relationship.

Going forward if you are not open to sexual activity NEVER get in bed with somebody.  I am not victim shaming or blaming.  I am trying to infuse some prevention & common sense.   That will avoid things like this.  

2 hours ago, ghost72 said:

No one is dragging the office into it. You really think I’m going around work talking to people about this? News flash, I’m not. Like I stated 3 times in this thread already. 

I would hope not.  I am concerned about the other guy who seems to have a comment about everything concerning you & this woman.  

Stop talking to work colleagues about this.  There is no need to drag half the office into your interactions.  If you are going to date a colleague, discretion is required. 

Go on this outing with this woman you fancy & her friend.  See what happens.  That is the only way you will know for sure.  

5 hours ago, ghost72 said:

I was thinking about asking her about her friend? But like I don’t understand how I can. She suggested we hang out outside of work one day with another girl who works here. 

Don't be surprised if the other girl is her friend who likes you.  If that is the case, once she tries to fix you up, she will never date you because at that point it would be disloyal to her friend.  

She made the handholding comment to use humor to defuse an otherwise awkward situation.  She has no interest in escalating. 

If she is talking about setting you up with her friend that is a neon sign telling you that she does not see you as a potential romance partner.  

He shouldn't do anything.  He made a decision to be done with her.  Granted he was trying to wake her up to her abandonment / endangerment of his cats but she can't see that. 

So if she's having  a major crisis like being in the hospital, he can model good behavior by caring for her dog but other than that he gets to ignore her going forward. 

Just because she is old doesn't mean she grew wise or kind.  

15 hours ago, Slothler said:

I am terrified for this new chapter of my life. I have a great support system and I’m trying to give myself time to grieve and heal. Does anyone have any recommendations for books to read to help me? I’m thinking about reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius but I also want to read a contemporary book about relationships and healing.

Don't be terrified.  The only think that happened is you presently don't have a BF.  You are still you.  You have your education.  You have your friends & family.   It will be different.  Change can be scary but you will be OK. 

I wasn't much of a reader around break ups.  Read things that make you feel better. If that is Marcus Aurelius, so be it. 

Do keep active especially when you don't want to.  Go outside at least once per day.  Keep up with your studies.  Take a walk.  Go to the gym.  Surround yourself with positive & supportive friends & family.  

He's not gaslighting you.  He's outright lying to you.  You are gaslighting yourself, making excuses & trying hard to make this not true. 

Let's look at what you do know:  

1.  He lied about going to the club. 

2.  He may have kissed another woman while there

3.  He got blackout drunk which could indicate a serious problem 

4  He deliberately hid another woman's phone # in his phone under a false name

5.  He is gaslighting you about why he did that.  Her "nickname" is not his friend's name. 

6.  He must think you are an idiot or a fool if you will believe such an obvious lie. 

7.  He wants to party & you don't

8.  All his friends cheat; it's their culture.  Birds of a feather. .  

You know you need to end this.  It just hurts & it sucks.  But the reality is this relationship is done. There is no coming back from this especially because he doesn't want to.  If you stay all you are going to get are more lies

I wanted to but back then the event for my demographic kept getting cancelled & rescheduled because not enough men signed up. 

Why do you ask?  

If you can scrape together a few bucks perhaps hire him a life coach.  If money is an issue check some coaching books out of the library.   

You can't find his purpose.  He has to do that himself. There are guides on the internet but he has to do the exercises.  

Of course you did the right thing breaking up with this woman.  Her family sounds horrid & her by extension & by refusing to tell them to stop being horrible.  She enabled all that rudeness. 

My only question is why are you questioning your decision?  

You can break up with him without outing him.  If anybody asks, you just say you "wanted different things."  They don't have to know that you wanted a heterosexual relationship & he wanted a homosexual one.  

I waited 10 years for some guy.  I gave him my 20s but the proposal never came.  By the time  I got out & fell in love with my husband I was too old to have kids.  Don't be me.  

While I generally don't believe in ultimatums, one may be appropriate here.  But you have to be strong enough to fully walk away if you two aren't heading down the aisle.  If you pull this but don't dump him he will know you are not a woman of your word.  He will think you are just a drama queen & he can go on stringing you along forever.  

You basically need to sit him down & say when we started this you knew I was looking for marriage & a family. You told me you were too.  It's been 5 years but we are not engaged & I feel like you keep blowing this off.  I need to know what you are thinking & feeling or if you have a plan / timetable.  I hate to be a cliche ,but I do have a bio clock ticking here.  

If that conversation ends without you being engaged or him saying let's go ring shopping over the weekend, you need to break it off.  If you decide to stay you will be agreeing that marriage is not important to what do you want more:  him or a marriage / kids.  You can't have both. 

You should be aware that 20+ years after the  fact that guy who told he "didn't believe in marriage" is still not married.  He continues to have a serious of long term relationships but that is it. 

Go to the therapy.  Talk to this professional. Make your case to the therapist about why you should get to continue to date your BF.  See if you can get the therapist to advocate for you.  If the therapist tells your parents that its OK for you to date your BF, they may be more open to the idea.  

Your parents love you.  They want you to be healthy & happy.  

You are a 21 year old adult.  It's OK to feel abandoned but you can't stop your mother from pursuing her dream. 

There are wonderful ways to keep in touch & you can always travel to see each other.  

You may find this to be a wonderful growth opportunity for you both

If you care to share that you felt he was inconsiderate and insensitive you are free to do so.  It won't change his behavior in the long run.  He may promise to change but I doubt your perceptions will have meaningful long term impact on his behavior.  

When I was a bit younger than you I went to a movie with a guy who IMO got way too excited & involved in an arson / fire scene.  It really freaked me out because to me his reaction was inappropriate & cause for concern.  I broke up with him that night.  

I am still aware of that guy.  To the best of my knowledge he's a normal person & has been happily married to his wife for 30 years & they have great well adjusted kids.  So even though I was wrong, I never regretted the decision to end things because his reaction didn't sit well with me.  Trust your instincts. 

I'm not sure from your post whether he was laughing at the scene or at you.  Neither is good but the fact that he gets upset easily is a red flag you need to pay attention to.  

He's exploring his sexuality.  You do not have a future with this guy.  Wish him well on his journey but it's time to end things.  

3 hours ago, Slothler said:

. What do I do?

You know what to do.  You just don't want to.  You break up with him because he wants things you, a woman, can't give him. Unless you want an open marriage where he's off having sex with strange men, you can marry this guy.  You also need to get an STD test immediately 

11 hours ago, Mike Robert said:

I want to try to see her every month see how that works out. I'm hoping this is the one my luck has been bad lol

I don't know that your luck has been bad.  I think you make some questionable decisions.  You are already far too emotionally invested in a long distance person you haven't met & don't know.  The fact that you set your match range so broadly is a questionable choice.  Dating locally & conventionally seems wiser to me. 

You haven't met but you are dreaming of monthly dates and having her move back to your state. You seriously need to slow down.  

You owe her honesty, not marriage.  

Make a pros & cons list.  Speak to an attorney on your own about a pre nup & and estate plan.   Decide what you want.  If you don't want to marry, don't. 

Do talk to her about her financial expectations if you are going to marry.  If she can't control her spending & her bookkeeping she could bankrupt you.  

If you decide you don't want to marry tell her that & respect whatever decision she makes even if that is to break up & move out.  

You really need to keep your expectations in check.  Make sure she's staying somewhere other than your house.  

If she's flying in you can meet her at the airport but do not expect to be asked up to her hotel room.   Decide in advance if you two will spend her arrival day together or if she will need time to decompress.  

Plan some public day time activities.  

You have been doing this -- whatever this is -- for many years but never met?  The guy is a time waster.  Stop engaging with him.  Things will never improve. 

What label you put on it doesn't matter.  He's never going to show up in real life & be a good partner.  

Going forward, date locally & meet quickly.  Then & only then can you start to invest.  

You were attracted to her because she was mysterious & exotic.  However, you never really got to know her.  The language barrier was too much.  

Please accept my condolences about the loss of your mom.  

You have this job you love.  Focus on that blessing.  Love will find you.